Sunday, June 11, 2017

Stuff My Husband Says



Husband: I love you so much, you're the prettiest girl ever!
Me: Aww, I love you too!
Husband: ...I was talking to the dog.


Me: Please don't buy anything from the store except salsa. I went grocery shopping and I have lots of healthy food and I have meals planned.
*One hour later*
Husband: Look! I bought Hamburger Helper!


Me: Hey, did you wash this bowl?
Husband: Yeah.
Me: Did you use soap?
Husband: Yeah.
Me: Did you use a sponge?
Husband: I used my fingers. Isn't that the same?

*One week when we were on a healthy eating kick*
Husband: No, don't put any salt on my vegetables. We're being healthy.
*Two hours later when I found him eating Reese's Puffs out of the carton on the couch and accused him of being a hypocrite*
Husband: What? It's healthy. It's cereal.


*After I asked him to please bring home a cucumber*
Me: Why did you bring me a zucchini?
Husband: ...what's the difference?


Husband: You know, before you I used to keep the same spoon in my work truck and I'd use it every day to eat chili out of a can and I'd clean it with spit.


Me: Are you really watching soccer? AGAIN?
Husband: Yes, I'm trying to get into it.
Me: *large groan*
Husband: What?
Me: It's just... there's always some kind of sport on.
Husband: That is literally the point.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

You must be pregnant

Let me list for you some conversations I've had with people who either really want me to be pregnant owho are really convinced that I'm already pregnant. PSA: This is never okay. DO NOT BE THIS 'PERSON.'

Person: Huh, you look tired today.
*Pauses, looks around room, then leans in and whispers loudly:*
ARE YOU PREGNANT


Person: Are you pregnant?
Me: No.
Person: Want some candy?
Me: Yes.
Person: A CRAVING. YOU'RE PREGNANT, I KNEW IT!



Me: I have a pimple.
Person: OMG PREGNANCY HORMONES.



Person: How long have you been married?
Me: A year and eight months.
Person: OMG YOU MUST BE PREGNANT.



Person: Why aren't you pregnant?
Me: It's not the right time and it's also NOYB
Person: LOL OK BUT U R PROBS PREGNANT RN



Me: None of my clothes fit me anymore.
Person: Because you're pregnant?
Me: No, Deborah, because I've been eating too much ice cream and I've gotten too chunky.
Person: PREGNANT PEOPLE EAT ICE CREAM OMG YOU'RE PREGNANT.



Me; Wow does anybody else smell that?
Person: YOU SENSE OF SMELL IS GETTING STRONG U MUST BE PREGNANT.


TL;DR: I am not pregnant; please stop making assumptions.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Things nobody told me about owning a cat

I've been a *proud* cat owner for over a year now, and a year is a long enough time that you realize all the things you never knew you never knew. So here are all the things nobody told me about owning a cat



1) Your cat might try to kill you. I routinely wake up with my cat sleeping on my neck. His paws are always poised so that he can gash my carotid artery should I piss him off enough. So far we've both survived, but I think that might just be from luck.



2) Your cat might try to kill you (pt 2). My house has lots of stairs in it, and when I come home from work I usually find Patton rolled all over one or some of the stairs, in what I can only assume is an attempt to trip me and break my neck



3) Your cat will want breakfast at 4am. Or he will want to play. Or he will just want to sit and meow incessantly and make you wonder why you ever loved him in the first place. 



4) Your cat will slow blink at you, and cuddle with you, and present himself to you, and purr at you, and will make you wonder how you ever had this capacity to love (and don't tell your husband that.)

5) Your cat will get whatever he wants because a) you want him to be happy, but mostly b) you REALLY want the meowing to stop. 

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

What are you putting out there?

I try not to reveal too much about myself on the internet. I know, that seems strange since, being a blogger, I like to document my life for the whole internet, but it's true. My name on my blog profile is "Jay T," I only have my first name on Instagram, I don't really talk about my job, and I don't think I've ever listed the actual city that I live in. I do this for safety and to keep people I know "IRL" from accidentally stumbling across my blog. So, last month when a man found out where I lived based on some Facebook pictures (that weren't mine) and left a note on my front door, I was slightly unnerved.

Let's back up.

A couple of months ago Keith witnessed an accident on the highway leading toward our house. A car was stopped and was hit by another car who didn't notice the flashing hazard lights. Being the good citizen that he is, he left his name and phone number with the driver who was hit just in case the police or an insurance company needed to get in touch with him. He told me about the accident but when he didn't hear anything from anybody after a few weeks we both just kind of forgot about it.

Then, in April, Keith left for China for 3.5 weeks. I was alone and was pretty nervous for the first few nights, so I kept a baseball bat next to my bed just in case. One day, about a week and a half into Keith's trip, I came home and found a note on my front door. I figured I had forgotten to pay the water bill and it was a notice that if I didn't pay up (I'm forgetful, okay??) our water would be shut off, or something like that. When I read the note I found that it was from the girlfriend of the man whose car had been hit on the highway several weeks back. The man's insurance company had been trying to get a hold of Keith but had been unsuccessful so they wanted Keith to call them.

I just assumed Keith had (for some reason) given the man our address. I called him to let him know Keith would call the insurance company in a couple of weeks, and when I told him who I was he was ecstatic.

"I'm so glad you called! This is the best phone call ever! I'm so glad I figured out where you guys live!"

....hold the phone, please. You figured out where we live??

It turns out that the guy found Keith on Facebook and looked through his pictures to try and get some identifying info. He saw some pictures of the outside of our house that Keith had posted and realized it was the same street he lived on and he drove by our house every single day. He recognized our driveway, our cars, the house across the street... it kind of creeped me out.

I immediately felt nervous that I had told him I'd be alone in the house for the next couple of weeks because um, hi, I watch way too much true crime and have you ever seen The Craigslist Killer? so I kept that baseball bat by my bed for the duration of Keith's trip just in case.

Nothing bad ever happened and I'm sure that man and his girlfriend are wonderful people and were really just being resourceful, but it still got me thinking: what information am I putting out there that could be unsafe for me and my family?

What information are you putting out there? Do you post pictures of the outside of your house? Do any of your pictures ever include your street address? Your license plate number? Your employer?

I'm sure if somebody wanted to find me and figure out all of my personal information, it could be done. But why make it easier than it should be?

(PS: This campaign ends on March 29th!)

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Let's talk television: what can go vs. what can stay

Five TV shows that jumped the shark

1. Grey's Anatomy. 
This is the number one show that needs to end. It jumped the shark long ago, even before Derek was killed off. How many more tragedies can the employees and patients of Seattle Grace, I mean Seattle Grace Mercy West, I mean Grey Sloan Memorial, endure? A shooting? Check. A bomb? Check. A plane crash? Check. An almost plane crash? Check. I still watch this show every week but only out of obligation and a fear of having multiple episodes pile up on my DVR because I know I wouldn't make it through all of them. I was pretty disappointed to find out this show had been renewed.

2. The Big Bang Theory.
How many scientist jokes are there in the world?? Apparently enough for this show to have been renewed for two more seasons. We get it, CBS, Sheldon is a socially awkward genius, Leonard is too good for Penny, and Raj's soulmate is Cinnamon. LET IT GO.

3. Once Upon A Time.
This show confuses me. I skipped a couple of seasons in the middle and didn't watch any of the ... spinoffs? Is that what you call the "Once Upon A Time In Wonderland" type of shows? I don't care enough to find out. Sadly, I think this show is going to continue for a long time because there are a bunch of characters who haven't been introduced and why would ABC skip out on an opportunity to make more money?

4. Arrested Development.
I just saw that another season of Arrested Development is coming in 2018. NOOOO. America, this is why we can't have nice TV shows: because once we find a TV show we like, we run it into the ground and then beat up on it until it's unrecognizable. I loved seasons 1-3 of this show, and I was excited when season 4 came out but I couldn't make it all the way through. It wasn't good at all! I'm dreading season 5.

5. Law and Order.
This show is only on here because I really want to watch every episode of this show and as long as new episodes keep coming out I'll never be able to fulfill that dream.

Five TV shows I'm loving

1. Survivor.
CBS is winning with this show. I love it and look forward to every season! When a show has been on for as long as Survivor and it's still drawing people in every week, you know you're doing something right. This season was especially good with all the new twists that were added. If you're not watching this show, you're not living your life the right way.

2. Better Call Saul.
YOU GUYS. I loved Breaking Bad and this show might be just as good. I'm especially loving the introduction to characters we knew from Breaking Bad. I get so excited when I recognize somebody and realize how everybody was connected before Walter White became Heisenberg!

3. The Handmaid's Tale.
Ok, technically this is a Hulu original, but I'm still adding it on here. I renewed my Hulu subscription specifically for this show. It's fascinating! And creepy. I thought it was set in colonial times and was shocked to find out that wasn't the case. I never read the book or saw the movie that came out in the 90s, so this whole story is new to me. It's different from anything else that I'm watching.

4. Jeopardy.
Yep. I love this show and I record every episode. Keith and I even have a drinking game!
Drink whenever:
-Alex Trebek is condescending
-Alex Trebek speaks in an accent
-You answer a question incorrectly
With only those three rules it's a dangerous dangerous game.

5. This Is Us.
Yep, I love this show. I'm hoping it doesn't go the way of Grey's Anatomy and that I continue to enjoy it. I don't mind that every week is a cliffhanger and that we still don't know how Jack died. That's fine. It still sucks me in every episode! I could do without the Mandy Moore is a singer storyline, though. WE GET IT, MANDY. YOU CAN SING. OKAY.

Do you agree with my lists? Are there any shows you would add or remove?

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

10 Random Facts


Why did I take this weird picture? Find out here.

-I don't mind the word "moist." I actually find it to be quite accurate most of the time.

-I am becoming more and more like my mother every day, and find myself more and more willing to admit that.

-My job working at Disneyland has caused me to be quite averse to ever going back to a Disneyland theme park.

-I grew up right next to the beach, but I don't like going to the beach.

-I prefer to wear socks when I sleep, which makes the summertime really uncomfortable for me.

-I worked at Subway from ages 16-18 and since then have claimed sandwiches as my favorite food. HOWEVER. For the last 6 months or so I've been craving crispy beef tacos over sandwiches and I think my new favorite food is tacos. I feel like a total traitor to my beloved sandwiches. But I mean, have you HAD a Del Taco before???

-Laundry is my least favorite chore.

-When I was young I always had a stack of books ready to read. When I'd get in trouble my punishment would be "You're not allowed to go to the library for two days." But now? I haven't read a full book in about a year. I'm ashamed.

-Only two members of my immediate family know that I have a blog. I've kept it a secret from everybody else for over 4 years.

-I have an addiction to candy. When I was little I would ask my mom to take me to the drugstore so I could get deodorant, shampoo, etc., but I would always buy a big pile of candy (to eat while I read that big stack of books). My mom always waited for me in the car and never questioned me when I said, "They didn't have the deodorant I wanted." I literally just told her about this deception a couple of nights ago and she was shocked. Then I felt guilty for lying 20 years ago.