Wednesday, July 12, 2017

I am so dumb. I am really dumb. For real.

Back in May Keith's parents told us: "For your birthdays we'd like to take you to a very fancy magic show."
"OKAY!" We replied enthusiastically.
"It is very fancy," they emphasized.
"Yes we are ready and prepared. It is May. The show is in a month and a half. We are prepared."
"Ok but just so you know, it's REALLY fancy. Men must wear suits. Women must wear dresses. No denim is allowed. IT IS VERY FANCY."
"Lol yes ok parents, I think we, as grown adults who know how to do things, will be able to go to this magic show."
"VERY FANCY magic show. On July 13th."

So, on the night of July 12th, Keith tried on his suits and I tried on my dresses and the end result was basically just this:

But literally really though. My dresses are either too short, too small, or show WAY too much cleavage for a night out with my in-laws or even a night out of my house because WOW it's a lot to deal with.

And Keith had like 4 suits that are almost right but not quite and this is the kind of place where, if you don't match the dress code, you don't get in. And that would really suck.

So, at 9:30 this morning I'm going to race down the hill to Macy's and pray that the perfect dress and shoes are there because THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. I have never felt so stressed in my life. I also feel like I should be lectured by somebody. Like... Antwon Dodson, probably.

I know, Antwon. I deserve every word of the lecture. I don't even deserve it in the autotune version.

So if you think of me, pray for me, because I am very nervous about finding a pretty dress in a dark color that covers my knees and shoulders and most of my arms. And also I need shoes that aren't too tall.

SO THAT'S IT. THAT'S WHY I AM AN IDIOT. AND KEITH IS TOO. But hey, at least I got this blog post out on time.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Parts of Titanic that we all just need to get over

-Why did Old Rose throw the diamond into the ocean at the end? Why didn't she give it to her granddaughter?

     While The Heart of the Ocean could have succeeded in maintaining Rose's granddaughter's highlights, the truth is that Cal probably never would have succeeded in letting anyone in Rose's family keep the diamond. Though Cal Hockley killed himself in 1929, he almost definitely would have put something in his will about that special diamond which would have cemented its place in his family's fortune. So even if Rose's granddaughter had been given the diamond, it would have been taken away immediately. The only way for Rose to make sure Cal or his family ever saw the fortune 
of the diamond was to make that stupid noise and toss it into the ocean.

-How did Rose harbor all those feelings toward Jack for her whole life without telling her her husband or children about her lost love?

Well, you guys, a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. There are probably a million things Rose never told her husband about. Also, what would the point be? "Hey, Mr. Calvert, FYI I don't actually love you. My heart lies with a guy who's frozen at the bottom of the North Atlantic. But you know, thanks for the memories and the kidz n' stuff.

-How did Molly Brown just "happen" to have her son's wardrobe with her on the Titanic?

Well, there are several explanations for this. First, Molly's son could have passed away recently and she wasn't ready to let go of him, so she took his clothes with her to America so she could stay connected with him. Secondly and most likely, her son had never left America. Molly had gone to Europe and had bought many, many expensive suits for him and was taking him back to the states for him to wear. She was just so taken with Jack that she decided to let him use some of his never-before-worn suits.

-Why did Rose promise Jack she'd "never let go" and them promptly LET HIM GO into the freezing Northern Atlantic?!?

     This one irritates me the most. YOU GUYS. Rose wasn't talking about "never letting go" of the literal Jack Dawson. If you watched the movie at all, you'd know Rose was promising Jack she'd "never let go" of her promise to him to live a full life. Rose made the most of her life and found loe, happiness, and fulfillment, because she knew that's what Jack would have wanted. She promised Jack she'd live her life and THAT'S WHAT SHE DID.

-Two of them could have fit on that door.

     YEAH I'LL NEVER LET GO OF THIS ONE. They both could have fit on that door, period. Rose took the door AND the life jacket? SELFISH B.

**Did I miss any? Do you agree or disagree? Let me know in the comments**

Sunday, June 25, 2017

June: trucks, birthdays, showers, oh my!

There's actually quite a bit to catch up on, so I hope everybody is prepared. I celebrated my 29th birthday on June 17th! I have been having a hard time with the last 20s. I was very unhappy to turn 28 and then this past birthday I kept forgetting how old I was because I'd been saying I was "almost 30" for so long. 

On my actual birthday Keith and I drove up to SLO for the day (it was a 5:45am leave time to a 2:15 end time which almost killed me) for a combination celebration: we celebrated my sister's briday shower and then the cumulative birthdays for me, my older sister, Keith, my brother in law, my soon to be brother in law, and we also celebrated Father's Day!

My sister Angenette is getting married on July 29th. She and her boyfriend have been together for like, 8 years so I mean IT'S ABOUT TIME GUYS, RIGHT?

Katelynne is going to be one of four (yes, I typed that right) flower girls, and don't tell anybody but I think she might be the star of the show. She's starting to be such a little ham! She recently started taking ballet classes and she's obsessed with being a "bannerina." It's pretty adorable.

Keith's birthday was on May 29th, and for his birthday I allowed him to buy a new truck! We took his truck up to SLO for my birthday - I didn't want to drive, and I'm not ready to drive his brand new truck so this seemed like a perfect solution.

On an unrelated note, do you know anybody who wants to buy a 2010 green Toyota Tacoma?

Over this past weekend we went to see a friend's band play at Big Bear Lake. It was at this performance that I made a new friend, Rebekah, and realized I looooove vodka sodas. Ordering a vodka soda sounds really grown up. IS THIS WHAT BEING 29 HAS DONE TO ME?

And that's it, for now. Thanks for reading about my life and stuff. bye.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Stuff My Husband Says

Husband: I love you so much, you're the prettiest girl ever!
Me: Aww, I love you too!
Husband: ...I was talking to the dog.

Me: Please don't buy anything from the store except salsa. I went grocery shopping and I have lots of healthy food and I have meals planned.
*One hour later*
Husband: Look! I bought Hamburger Helper!

Me: Hey, did you wash this bowl?
Husband: Yeah.
Me: Did you use soap?
Husband: Yeah.
Me: Did you use a sponge?
Husband: I used my fingers. Isn't that the same?

*One week when we were on a healthy eating kick*
Husband: No, don't put any salt on my vegetables. We're being healthy.
*Two hours later when I found him eating Reese's Puffs out of the carton on the couch and accused him of being a hypocrite*
Husband: What? It's healthy. It's cereal.

*After I asked him to please bring home a cucumber*
Me: Why did you bring me a zucchini?
Husband: ...what's the difference?

Husband: You know, before you I used to keep the same spoon in my work truck and I'd use it every day to eat chili out of a can and I'd clean it with spit.

Me: Are you really watching soccer? AGAIN?
Husband: Yes, I'm trying to get into it.
Me: *large groan*
Husband: What?
Me: It's just... there's always some kind of sport on.
Husband: That is literally the point.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

You must be pregnant

Let me list for you some conversations I've had with people who either really want me to be pregnant owho are really convinced that I'm already pregnant. PSA: This is never okay. DO NOT BE THIS 'PERSON.'

Person: Huh, you look tired today.
*Pauses, looks around room, then leans in and whispers loudly:*

Person: Are you pregnant?
Me: No.
Person: Want some candy?
Me: Yes.

Me: I have a pimple.

Person: How long have you been married?
Me: A year and eight months.

Person: Why aren't you pregnant?
Me: It's not the right time and it's also NOYB

Me: None of my clothes fit me anymore.
Person: Because you're pregnant?
Me: No, Deborah, because I've been eating too much ice cream and I've gotten too chunky.

Me; Wow does anybody else smell that?

TL;DR: I am not pregnant; please stop making assumptions.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Things nobody told me about owning a cat

I've been a *proud* cat owner for over a year now, and a year is a long enough time that you realize all the things you never knew you never knew. So here are all the things nobody told me about owning a cat

1) Your cat might try to kill you. I routinely wake up with my cat sleeping on my neck. His paws are always poised so that he can gash my carotid artery should I piss him off enough. So far we've both survived, but I think that might just be from luck.

2) Your cat might try to kill you (pt 2). My house has lots of stairs in it, and when I come home from work I usually find Patton rolled all over one or some of the stairs, in what I can only assume is an attempt to trip me and break my neck

3) Your cat will want breakfast at 4am. Or he will want to play. Or he will just want to sit and meow incessantly and make you wonder why you ever loved him in the first place. 

4) Your cat will slow blink at you, and cuddle with you, and present himself to you, and purr at you, and will make you wonder how you ever had this capacity to love (and don't tell your husband that.)

5) Your cat will get whatever he wants because a) you want him to be happy, but mostly b) you REALLY want the meowing to stop. 

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

What are you putting out there?

I try not to reveal too much about myself on the internet. I know, that seems strange since, being a blogger, I like to document my life for the whole internet, but it's true. My name on my blog profile is "Jay T," I only have my first name on Instagram, I don't really talk about my job, and I don't think I've ever listed the actual city that I live in. I do this for safety and to keep people I know "IRL" from accidentally stumbling across my blog. So, last month when a man found out where I lived based on some Facebook pictures (that weren't mine) and left a note on my front door, I was slightly unnerved.

Let's back up.

A couple of months ago Keith witnessed an accident on the highway leading toward our house. A car was stopped and was hit by another car who didn't notice the flashing hazard lights. Being the good citizen that he is, he left his name and phone number with the driver who was hit just in case the police or an insurance company needed to get in touch with him. He told me about the accident but when he didn't hear anything from anybody after a few weeks we both just kind of forgot about it.

Then, in April, Keith left for China for 3.5 weeks. I was alone and was pretty nervous for the first few nights, so I kept a baseball bat next to my bed just in case. One day, about a week and a half into Keith's trip, I came home and found a note on my front door. I figured I had forgotten to pay the water bill and it was a notice that if I didn't pay up (I'm forgetful, okay??) our water would be shut off, or something like that. When I read the note I found that it was from the girlfriend of the man whose car had been hit on the highway several weeks back. The man's insurance company had been trying to get a hold of Keith but had been unsuccessful so they wanted Keith to call them.

I just assumed Keith had (for some reason) given the man our address. I called him to let him know Keith would call the insurance company in a couple of weeks, and when I told him who I was he was ecstatic.

"I'm so glad you called! This is the best phone call ever! I'm so glad I figured out where you guys live!"

....hold the phone, please. You figured out where we live??

It turns out that the guy found Keith on Facebook and looked through his pictures to try and get some identifying info. He saw some pictures of the outside of our house that Keith had posted and realized it was the same street he lived on and he drove by our house every single day. He recognized our driveway, our cars, the house across the street... it kind of creeped me out.

I immediately felt nervous that I had told him I'd be alone in the house for the next couple of weeks because um, hi, I watch way too much true crime and have you ever seen The Craigslist Killer? so I kept that baseball bat by my bed for the duration of Keith's trip just in case.

Nothing bad ever happened and I'm sure that man and his girlfriend are wonderful people and were really just being resourceful, but it still got me thinking: what information am I putting out there that could be unsafe for me and my family?

What information are you putting out there? Do you post pictures of the outside of your house? Do any of your pictures ever include your street address? Your license plate number? Your employer?

I'm sure if somebody wanted to find me and figure out all of my personal information, it could be done. But why make it easier than it should be?

(PS: This campaign ends on March 29th!)

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Let's talk television: what can go vs. what can stay

Five TV shows that jumped the shark

1. Grey's Anatomy. 
This is the number one show that needs to end. It jumped the shark long ago, even before Derek was killed off. How many more tragedies can the employees and patients of Seattle Grace, I mean Seattle Grace Mercy West, I mean Grey Sloan Memorial, endure? A shooting? Check. A bomb? Check. A plane crash? Check. An almost plane crash? Check. I still watch this show every week but only out of obligation and a fear of having multiple episodes pile up on my DVR because I know I wouldn't make it through all of them. I was pretty disappointed to find out this show had been renewed.

2. The Big Bang Theory.
How many scientist jokes are there in the world?? Apparently enough for this show to have been renewed for two more seasons. We get it, CBS, Sheldon is a socially awkward genius, Leonard is too good for Penny, and Raj's soulmate is Cinnamon. LET IT GO.

3. Once Upon A Time.
This show confuses me. I skipped a couple of seasons in the middle and didn't watch any of the ... spinoffs? Is that what you call the "Once Upon A Time In Wonderland" type of shows? I don't care enough to find out. Sadly, I think this show is going to continue for a long time because there are a bunch of characters who haven't been introduced and why would ABC skip out on an opportunity to make more money?

4. Arrested Development.
I just saw that another season of Arrested Development is coming in 2018. NOOOO. America, this is why we can't have nice TV shows: because once we find a TV show we like, we run it into the ground and then beat up on it until it's unrecognizable. I loved seasons 1-3 of this show, and I was excited when season 4 came out but I couldn't make it all the way through. It wasn't good at all! I'm dreading season 5.

5. Law and Order.
This show is only on here because I really want to watch every episode of this show and as long as new episodes keep coming out I'll never be able to fulfill that dream.

Five TV shows I'm loving

1. Survivor.
CBS is winning with this show. I love it and look forward to every season! When a show has been on for as long as Survivor and it's still drawing people in every week, you know you're doing something right. This season was especially good with all the new twists that were added. If you're not watching this show, you're not living your life the right way.

2. Better Call Saul.
YOU GUYS. I loved Breaking Bad and this show might be just as good. I'm especially loving the introduction to characters we knew from Breaking Bad. I get so excited when I recognize somebody and realize how everybody was connected before Walter White became Heisenberg!

3. The Handmaid's Tale.
Ok, technically this is a Hulu original, but I'm still adding it on here. I renewed my Hulu subscription specifically for this show. It's fascinating! And creepy. I thought it was set in colonial times and was shocked to find out that wasn't the case. I never read the book or saw the movie that came out in the 90s, so this whole story is new to me. It's different from anything else that I'm watching.

4. Jeopardy.
Yep. I love this show and I record every episode. Keith and I even have a drinking game!
Drink whenever:
-Alex Trebek is condescending
-Alex Trebek speaks in an accent
-You answer a question incorrectly
With only those three rules it's a dangerous dangerous game.

5. This Is Us.
Yep, I love this show. I'm hoping it doesn't go the way of Grey's Anatomy and that I continue to enjoy it. I don't mind that every week is a cliffhanger and that we still don't know how Jack died. That's fine. It still sucks me in every episode! I could do without the Mandy Moore is a singer storyline, though. WE GET IT, MANDY. YOU CAN SING. OKAY.

Do you agree with my lists? Are there any shows you would add or remove?

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

10 Random Facts

Why did I take this weird picture? Find out here.

-I don't mind the word "moist." I actually find it to be quite accurate most of the time.

-I am becoming more and more like my mother every day, and find myself more and more willing to admit that.

-My job working at Disneyland has caused me to be quite averse to ever going back to a Disneyland theme park.

-I grew up right next to the beach, but I don't like going to the beach.

-I prefer to wear socks when I sleep, which makes the summertime really uncomfortable for me.

-I worked at Subway from ages 16-18 and since then have claimed sandwiches as my favorite food. HOWEVER. For the last 6 months or so I've been craving crispy beef tacos over sandwiches and I think my new favorite food is tacos. I feel like a total traitor to my beloved sandwiches. But I mean, have you HAD a Del Taco before???

-Laundry is my least favorite chore.

-When I was young I always had a stack of books ready to read. When I'd get in trouble my punishment would be "You're not allowed to go to the library for two days." But now? I haven't read a full book in about a year. I'm ashamed.

-Only two members of my immediate family know that I have a blog. I've kept it a secret from everybody else for over 4 years.

-I have an addiction to candy. When I was little I would ask my mom to take me to the drugstore so I could get deodorant, shampoo, etc., but I would always buy a big pile of candy (to eat while I read that big stack of books). My mom always waited for me in the car and never questioned me when I said, "They didn't have the deodorant I wanted." I literally just told her about this deception a couple of nights ago and she was shocked. Then I felt guilty for lying 20 years ago.

Monday, May 8, 2017

If I didn't have a job

I am currently in the midst of not really working. My office (I work for a doctor) is going to be closed for a couple of weeks so I've been able to go in to work for a couple hours a day but then come home and do lots of things that I don't normally get to do, like go to Wal Mart at noon! Watch Good Morning America! Wear sweat pants all day! Take naps! Cuddle General Patton! Tweet!
It's been reeeeeally nice and I think I'm going to have a bit of a hard time going back to work for real on the 19th. On Wednesday I'm going to visit my family in San Luis Obispo and I'll be there for SIX DAYS! It's been quite a while since I've been there for longer than 36 hours and I'm really looking forward to playing with my nieces, going to the bluffs at Montana de Oro, and visiting family and friends that I rarely get to see. Watch out Instagram, I'll be on you a LOT.
Having this time off has given me an opportunity to think of things I'd be really good at doing if I didn't have to go to work all day. Since I'm loving and generous, I've compiled a list for you. You can thank me later.
-going to Wal Mart. I'll be honest, I used to be a Target snob, but recently I've been way more excited about Wal Mart. They have the Pioneer Woman products and they have the wax melters that I'm obsessed with (the scent is Hello Sunshine and it's citrusy and beautiful). They also have WAY better prices on everything. Plus you don't have to brush your hair before you go.
-Tweeting. If I didn't have to go to work I could just tweet the crap out of my whole day and nobody would be wondering what I'm doing at 10:37 on a Tuesday morning ever again.
-Washing my hair. I feel like I would probably wash my hair more than once or twice a week if I didn't have to go to work. I know that logic seems kind of flawed but in my universe it makes a lot of sense.
-Combing my carpet. Our vacuum is a piece of trash and it doesn't suck up the animal hair so I usually get down on my hands and knees and comb the carpet with a dog brush to get it clean. It's a really good work out and it might not be great for the carpet but the carpet is really old so does it really matter? No.
-Working out. 
-Commenting on blogs. I would be SO MUCH BETTER AT THIS if blogging was my day job.
That's it the end goodbye.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Do Your Thing

-Did you know that your appliances and gadgets are using energy even if they're not being used, just by being plugged in?
-Did you know that LED light bulbs use at least 75% less energy than a regular light bulb, and can last up to 25 times longer than a regular light bulb?

-Did you know it's possible to cool yourself down by simply changing your clothes instead of just automatically reaching to turn the a/c on?

-Did you know that washing your clothes in cold water saves energy and will likely keep your clothes from shrinking?

Energy Upgrade California is committed to doubling energy efficiency and reducing greenhouse gas emissions by 40% before the year 2030. This might sound like a daunting goal, but if everybody in California pitched in a little it's easily attainable! I've compiled a list of easy yet effective ways to save more energy in places you may not have thought of before.

1. Use natural light. This is always a hard one for me since I have a lot of wood in my house and things tend to be a little darker, but I've been making it a point to open all my blinds during the day and let the beautiful, natural light fill the room instead of turning on a bunch of lights.

2, Speaking of lights, changing your light bulbs to energy efficient LED bulbs will save energy and save you money! Since LED bulbs can last up to 25 times longer than regular bulbs, you won't need to replace them as often!

3. Unplug. If you're like me, you tend to leave your cell phone charger plugged in when you're not using it. Well, did you know that's still using energy? Other things that use energy when they're plugged in but not being used are: microwaves, toasters, computers, and curling irons (which should DEFINITELY always be unplugged because of the risk of fires). Just a quick unplugging of these appliances can save you (and California!) so much in the long run!

4. Stay cool, naturally. I love being cold, so the idea of an air conditioner is very appealing to me. However, it's not a good idea for the environment. During the hot summer months I try to wear shorts and tank tops and open the windows and use a box or ceiling fan to cool down instead of turning on the a/c.

5. Don't use all the hot water. You can wash your clothes on the cold setting so you use less energy with your washing machine! And those lengthy hot showers you take while you're contemplating how you're going to solve world hunger? Stop! Give yourself 5 minutes, or two songs on your iPod to keep the hot water on, then turn it cool, or be done in the shower!

Join me in committing to making one small change in your daily life in order to save more energy, and #LetsGetCharged.

This post is sponsored by Energy Upgrade California, but the content and opinions expressed here are my own.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

It's almost over


Keith comes home from China on SUNDAY. He's been gone for over three weeks and now he's finally almost home! I'm very excited for this because it means we can finally clear off the DVR... we've been at 2% space for a while and that has meant I wasn't able to hoard my Jeopardy recordings. *sight* the sacrifices I've made...

The first couple of weeks he was gone went by really quickly because I was busier than normal. I had a friend come stay with me for a weekend, I went to visit my brother and sister-in-law a couple of different times, Keith's parents were in town, I worked late... it was kind of exhausting. The past week had a much slower pace though and that has been really nice. I did some redecorating and ate a lot of carbs. I washed some dishes and organized some cabinets and also succeeded in breaking our champagne flutes we were given as a wedding gift. I bought some ant poison. I decided I like artificial greenery.

I figured out that while I can live without Keith, I really don't want to. He and I have never been attached at the hip, and we've never been the couple who has to spend every waking moment with each other. But even so, it's sucked being apart for so long. A couple of days apart is one thing, but nearly a month? Nope! Not for me! I don't know how military spouses do it... you guys are the real MVP and I have so much respect for you!

So, to end this super rambly and pointless post: I can't wait 'til Sunday. And I really appreciate everyone who has been so encouraging during the last few weeks! 

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

On showing the beauty

Tonight I was browsing Instagram and before I knew it I found myself coveting the closet of a my college roommate's cousin's ex-husband's sister's mother-in-law. Okay, maybe it wasn't quite that far removed, but it was the closet of someone I don't know. After I had drooled over the closet for a while, I scrolled through the rest of the feed (being careful not to double tap from way back, 'cuz I know that's where the trouble's at #namethatsong) and felt myself getting more and more jealous with each passing photo. Creamy white walls, rustic open shelving, interesting and unique light fixtures, and pops of color placed more perfectly than anything I'd ever seen! It looked perfect, and I thought, why can't my life be that perfect?

On Sunday I went to church with my in-laws and we sat behind the most perfect family. A mom, a dad, a daughter, and a son. Dressed nicely and well groomed, the children sat quietly through the whole service, seeming to hang on every word of the sermon. Every time I see this family they're smiling and laughing and so put together, and every time I see a post by their mother on Instagram or Facebook it's beautiful, uplifting, and inspiring. And I think, why can't I be that perfect?

At lunchtime I was catching up on the Snapchat stories I'd been missing and I watched a blogger do an "unboxing." She had been set boxes of makeup, clothes, accessories, clothes, and fun kitchen gadgets for free! As she pulled out tubes of mascara and bottles of perfume I thought of my faded yellow mascara tube that I haven't gotten around to changing out, and how the only perfume I wear are little sample perfumes that come as a free gift every so often at Sephora. I watched her pull out shirts in a tiny sample size and pants that came in a single digit. I thought of that girl and how perfect her life must be to be given such beautiful things. And I thought, Why am I not that perfect?

When I'm scrolling social media it's so hard to remember that nobody's life is perfect, even though some of them seem pretty close. It's hard to remember that the people behind these perfect, beautiful pictures have struggles you don't know about. When I see that living room with the high ceilings and the flowy curtains and the shiny floor, I don't know what's going on behind the lens. I forget how easy it is to curate your social media and only show the good things. I forget how easy it is to buy white posterboard for fifty cents and use it as a background to cover up the dirty dishes in your kitchen sink, the chair in your bedroom that is covered in laundry, or the floor in your dining room that is covered in paw prints. I forget how easy it is to use a filter to cover every blemish, scar, and stain.
On the flip side, I think showing the beauty in your life can be a good thing. Here's why: because even when life gets messy, it's still beautiful. When you're going through something hard or painful, it's important to focus on the good things. If you only focus on the stains and the mess and the heartache you'll never be happy.

So, there's a balance. Life gets messy and difficult, but it's also beautiful. Sure, there's sickness and hurt and some seriously ugly stuff, but there's also beauty and joy and happiness. It's like a symphony: there are high notes meshed with low notes, quick tempos followed by lingering stretches, times of rest followed by frantic staccatos, and it takes everything meshing together to create something so beautiful that you're moved to tears. Showing beauty doesn't necessarily mean you're covering up the pain or the mess; sometimes it just means you're choosing to focus on the good instead of the heartbreak.