Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Bachelorette

I kept saying I didn't want a bachelorette party. I felt bad about asking all the girls to travel somewhere and give up another weekend and spend more money and I just kept saying, "it's fine I'm fine I don't need or want a party." They planned one anyway, and it happened this past weekend and now you get to read all about it. 

We all met in Santa Barbara and when I wasn't in traffic I was pretty excited:

Don't worry, I was at a standstill on the freeway when I snapped this picture. It was one of like 47 times traffic was so clogged that n o  o n e was moving and there's really only one way to entertain yourself in that kind of situation and it's staring you in the face.

Lisa, Cortney, and I all met in SB to do some shopping before dinner. If you haven't ever been to Santa Barbara, well, there's shopping and food and shopping and probably other stuff but I usually  just stick to the shopping and food.

And photo ops. Obvi.

I was searching for something to wear to the rehearsal THIS FRIDAY and also for some long and stretchy denim shorts for the honeymoon, but none of the stores were helpful. However, I did succeed in finding a snake.

A snake. A boa constrictor. Which I first referred to as a "restricter" because sometimes words are hard. The snake was some kind of Columbian ball python, I think, and my two lovely friends forced me to put it around my neck.

They're so great.

"So, you want me to put a snake WHO KILLS ITS PREY BY STRANGLING THEM TO DEATH around my neck and just let it chill?"

Snake guy:
"Well, actually what the snakes do is they attack and bite their prey and then pull it toward them and THEN they strangle it."

"So.... Basically I'm just doing half the work for him."

Snake guy:
"Here, hold the snake."

....it went well.

He told me to relax and I did my best.

And then I felt like Voldemort, basically.

Then, we went to this Mexican restaurant for dinner and YOU GUYS I ate a burrito. I haven't eaten anything like a burrito since AUGUST and my taste buds were like "THIS IS MAJESTIC PLEASE ALWAYS FEED US BURRITOS." and I was like "OK HERE'S SOME MORE BURRITO AND LET'S JUST ADD A DOLLOP OF GUACAMOLE WHILE WE'RE AT IT."

If I had been thinking I would have taken a picture of my burrito because you guys, it was a really really really good burrito. 

Or maybe I'm just hungry. But I'm pretty sure it was just a really majestic burrito.

My two sisters and my sister-in-law were also there and here is a picture for your viewing pleasure. 


It was everything I've been dreaming of for the past 3 weeks. And everybody in the restaurant kept telling me "Happy Birthday!" which was very nice but also WRONG. But their intent was good. 

After the cake we left the restaurant and headed down to a hotel in Carpinteria and I opened some very special gifts that I am not planning to discuss on the internet. Just use your imagination. Lisa and Cortney had to leave after the gifts and then my younger sister declared that we were going on a mission to find alcohol.

We're totally related.

First we went to this sports pub thing that was filled with people in their 50s and 60s who were watching sports and playing pool and I felt extremely out of place in my heels and flashing sash. So then we drove around and looked for a liquor store and after like, 20 minutes we finally found one. It had a meat section which just looked like it was begging for me to take a photo in front of it.

The guy who worked there kept asking if it was my birthday, and my sister-in-law Amy kept saying, "B A C H E L O R E T T E  P A R T Y" but he didn't understand. How do I know this? Because he asked me how old I am and when I said, "27," he got all confused and then handed me three free mini bottles of alcohol.

Beggars can't be choosers!

Angenette decided we needed to take shots and I decided we needed to pour vodka in the champagne and at first everything was super normal.

...but then things got weird.

We ended up just staying up talking until after 1am and it was seriously so much fun. Yes, it got weird but you don't get to hear about how weird our conversations were. Sorry but some things get to stay private.

The next morning we all had to leave but first we went to this little diner called The Working Bee and their food looked SO GOOD but I had to go back on my diet of sadness and depression so I just watched everyone else eat their scrambles and breakfast burritos and I only drooled a little bit.

And that's how you have an awesome bachelorette party.


Thursday, September 17, 2015

A whole lotta nothing

Sometimes I stop by this space to write words that don't have to do with the wedding or how hungry I am. This, you'll be disappointed to know, is not one of those times. I miss the blog but it's hard to sit and write because there's just so much happening in my head that it feels like when I post, it's basically word diarrhea. I'm sorry for that and I'm sorry for using the word "diarrhea." It's a gross word.
Before we go any further I just want to say that I've never seen anyone look as cute picking her nose as that little almost 2 year old up there. If she picks her nose the whole way down the aisle in 8 days the only thing I'll be mad about is that I don't get to witness it firsthand.


First, it was that blonde ^^

but now, it's THIS blonde..

Blonder than I've been in like, years. AND I AM THRILLED. I'm just supposed to be blonde. There's a girl who works at the local grocery store who had her hair done and I asked her who did it, and she gave me the number of my new best friend. My new hair girl does my hair in her kitchen, and the first time she did it she fed me freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, and the second time (yesterday) she let me cuddle a four week old kitten. I died. And then the kitten purred and I died all over again.

I found the filter that makes your hair look really dark.

I HAVE AN IPHONE AGAIN. The prices for the iPhone 6 dropped last weekend so I finally got a new one, and while I'll always be eternally grateful to Renee for getting me through the dark time of hardly being able to text, I must say I'm super thrilled to be back among the blue text bubble people.

I really can't believe how soon the wedding is, and how completely unorganized I feel! People keep offering to help and I'm like, "Thank you but I don't even know what to have you do..." which just ends up making me feel really bad. My mom and I were making so many lists that we ended up having to make a list of the lists we have to make.

No, not overwhelming in the least.

On a totally separate and unrelated note, one of my coworkers told me that when we get back from our honeymoon she's going to make me a loaf of homemade French bread. She told me that yesterday and I've been salivating over it for a solid 24 hours at least. Only 24 days to go until the homemade French bread...

Another of my coworkers keeps saying to me, "You're basically starving yourself and when you get to Turkey you probably won't even like anything!" to which I reply, "Gwen, by the time we get to Turkey I'll be so hungry I'll probably eat a roasted rat on a stick and think it's the best thing ever." Then we all guffaw and chortle.

OH and here's something else: last night I was at Keith's house and he was at Wal Mart and there were these a-hole raccoons out on the back deck, and the dogs were inside and they were going INSANE. I mean these dogs would not shut up and it was really interrupting my important task of rewatching Parenthood (if you've never watched it then start NOW) so I really had no choice but to storm over to the sliding glass door and shoot those a-holes with a BB gun.

And then they ran into the BB gun bullets. They ran into the BB gun bullets nine times.

Just kidding, was only three. But I really didn't want to miss an opportunity to quote Chicago.

One last thing: click here for me pretty please. And yes of course I did shill pads throughout the rest of this post and I didn't tell you 'til now. 

Saturday, September 12, 2015

U by Kotex: #BringComfyBack

When it comes to comfort, I'm extremely picky. At night before I crawl into bed I make sure the fitted sheet is perfectly smooth, and I rearrange the top sheet and blanket so on one side it hardly comes over the edge but it's hanging off a ton on the other side (Keith is in for SUCH a treat in two weeks). Otherwise I just don't enjoy going to sleep and I lie awake tossing and turning. If I'm wearing tennis shoes, the tongue has to be perfectly centered and if it gets off kilter it's all I can think about until I have a chance to fix it. I have to have a particular kind of lip balm with me all the time or my lips feel uncomfortable, and I hate feeling like my lips look dry and cracked. And when it's that time of the month, I hate nothing more than a bunch and uncomfortable panty liner.

I know I'm not alone.

This may be crossing the line into TMI, but I have a favorite pair of underwear. It's a certain pair that fits just right and doesn't bunch or sag or give me a wedgie. If I'm wearing underwear that's too small (i.e. if I've been eating a lot of bread that week) I unconsciously furrow my brow and I've actually started to get a little wrinkle right there in between my brows.

Yeah pretty much just like that. Attractive.

Thankfully, with U by Kotex, I don't have to worry about my panty liners adding to that little brow wrinkle! The Kotex Curves Liners make me feel like I'm not wearing anything extra, and they allow me to wear my favorite pair of underwear with confidence and no fear that I'm going to feel some uncomfortable bunching!

Do you ever suffer from this feeling? If you do, you'll be thrilled to know that U by Kotex is offering $1 off U by Kotex Lightdays Liners OR U by Kotex Curves Liners to anyone who's read to #bringcomfyback! All you have to do is click here to accept your coupon. Did you do it? Did you click here for your coupon?

U by Kotex would like you to share your #uncomfyphotos along with the hashtag #bringcomfyback in order to spread the word about these comfortable liners! Wearing something comfy always has me like:

...don't you want to feel like that too?

This post is sponsored by U by Kotex® but the content and opinions expressed here are my own.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

I don't have a wedding dress yet

Before we go any further I'd like to take a moment to tell you all about this amazing book that I found for $2 at a yard sale over the weekend. I haven't read the whole thing yet; some things you just have to savor.
Now we can move on. Back in June I wrote about finding my wedding dress. If you didn't read it or if you don't make it a point to remember every little detail about everything I share about my wedding, let me remind you: I had to order a the dress a size and a half smaller than the size I actually was in order for the dress to arrive in time. Remember that last part; it's important.

Well, about a week and a half ago I realized that if I kept eating bread and candy and drinking soda and wine my dress would probably need some serious alterations. When I bought the dress I thought it would be super easy to lose 15ish pounds in 2.5 months, so I wasn't worried. I never planned on being a "crash diet" bride and I really thought I had my ish under control.


I did not have it under control. So, starting the Sunday before last, I started my crash diet. Lots of veggies, water or unsweetened iced tea (I steep plain black tea for a long time and then refrigerate it), fruits, egg whites, and basically no food parties in my mouth. Guys, do you know what sucks? That kind of diet. I've been making Keith delicious food like milkshakes and french toast and sandwiches and I literally go to bed dreaming of devouring a giant loaf of warm French bread from Albertsons. Not just a slice or two, but the entire loaf. Slathered in butter, and maybe some garlic salt. Also steak. And bacon.

And we need to move on or this will basically become a list of all the foods I want to eat.

So, last week I was sleep deprived (because I'm also hardly sleeping because of the wedding stress) and starving, and then a horrible horrible thing happened.

I had been planning on going back to SLO last weekend to try my wedding dress on. It was supposed to come in on August 28, and then it got delayed, but "don't worry!" they told me, it "should" be there by September 4th.


I called the store on Thursday to ask for an update and the girl who answered said, "Uh.... I'll have to have somebody call you back." Obviously that didn't freak me out at all. Nope. Not one bit. Just kidding. I definitely texted like 10 people saying, "MY DRESS ISN'T IN I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE A DRESS AND IF I DO I WON'T HAVE TIME TO HAVE IT ALTERED AND I'M GOING TO BE A NAKED BRIDE AND THIS IS LITERALLY A NIGHTMARE I'VE HAD." So on Friday I finally got a call back (after I called them two more times) and was told by the store owner that my dress had arrived somewhere but it wouldn't be at their store until the following week and not to worry because it would be totally fine.

EXCEPT NO. Because I'm a little dramatic and also sleep deprived and starving. So I go back to work at the doctor's office where I work now and started telling my coworkers what happened. I was trying to laugh it off because I know it will all work out. I know that. But then it started getting really hot. And then I started breathing a little more quickly, and then even more quickly. And then I started hyperventilating, like a lot. And then the shaking happened. Then the tears.

So I'm sitting at my work having a panic attack and crying and blowing snot all over my face and being really concerned about everyone seeing my snot and also about, you know, not having a wedding dress, and then the actual doctor gets called out of his office because one of his employees was totally freaking out.

The girls looked for a paper bag for me to breathe into but couldn't find one, so they brought me a plastic bag. Later when I said with shock and horror, "I was panicking and you tried to put a plastic bag over my head??" she replied with, "Yeah well, we just wanted to put you out of your misery." I still laugh about that.

So after what felt like forever I stopped freaking out but I couldn't move my hands because there was snot everywhere, and also I really was hoping that the ground would open up and swallow me because I was mortified. Thankfully though, I work in an amazing place and everyone was SO nice and told me not to be embarrassed and then I got some Ambien so I was able to sleep.

The moral of the story is this: I basically starved myself so I'd fit into the dress I had to order too small so that it would arrive in time for alterations, and then it didn't come in but my diet had made me crazy and I almost had a heart attack.

WEDDINGS ARE INSANE. My mind and body are so wacky right now and I've never felt this way before. It's really weird and hard to describe. Everything is so important and every little thing matters so much and just about anything make me cry. Even in public, professional places.

The dress still isn't in, but it should be by this Thursday. I'm still dieting and dreaming of bread. I still have this horrible fear in the back of my brain that the dress won't come in or there's no way it will fit. Also apparently I forgot to send invitations to multiple family members because I am the worst.

During the next 17 days my crazy is going to show like, well, like crazy. I just want September 26 to come so I don't have to figure anything else out and I can just enjoy the fact that I am marrying Keith. But like, when my dress still hasn't come in I can't help but be nervous, and try and figure out if the bridal salon owes me any monetary compensation.

If you need me I'll be staring into a bowl of lettuce and dreaming of french bread.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

It's Wedding Month

It's officially Wedding Month and I'm trying not to freak out all of the time. Lately I've been having a really hard time falling asleep because my mind goes a million miles an hour and just won't shut off. I struggled with this when we first got engaged but thought I had gotten through it. WRONG. This time is my life is so wonderfully strange and it's even stranger to think that I only have 3 1/2 more weeks of "this time" left. Marrying Keith is quite literally a dream (or a hundred dreams) come true. I wanted this so badly for so long but never thought it would actually happen, and now it has. Oh geez, now I'm getting all emotional.

Another reason this time is strange is because getting married is something I've dreamed of for my whole life. Every girl dreams of her wedding. When I was a child getting married seemed so far in the future, and then there was a time when I couldn't see myself getting married and I was okay with that, but now here I am getting married. When something you've wanted for most of your life actually happens it's hard to know what to feel. I have spent so many dozens of hours looking at cute Pinterest-y ideas for being engaged and had so many conversations with friends about my dream wedding, and now it's here, and I have fears.

Am I doing it right? Am I making the engagement time as special and memorable and Pinterest-y as possible? Am I forgetting anything? Will I look back on all of this and have any regrets?

I know, all that matters is that by 4pm on September 26, Keith and I will be married and it won't matter what things went wrong or what things I forgot. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter if my chalkboard signs are perfect or if we have enough flowers or if I trip down the aisle (this will probably happen and I'm willing to bet money on it). I know it doesn't matter ... but at the same time it does matter.

I know I'll probably be able to look back at this laugh at the things that went wrong or how many times I cried out of exhaustion and being overwhelmed, but right now? Right now it's hard and it's overwhelming but I'm too overwhelmed to make it less overwhelming. Does that make sense?

It's really weird to be this happy but to also cry almost every day. And I can't even drink my sorrows away because I'm crash dieting to fit into my dress!

On another note, I'm doing my own makeup and possibly my own hair for the wedding and I think I found the winning style.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

My Great Wedding Meltdown

People keep asking me: "So, how are you feeling about your wedding being so soon?" I've been answering with a pretty confident, "Good, I can't wait!" and I was patting myself on the back for being such a calm, cool, and collected bride.

And then last weekend happened.

Things have been coming together really smoothly. My mom has been making all the vases, we got an amazing deal on invitations (and have almost sent them all out), my in-laws-to-be have been making wood cookies for the centerpieces, and the eyelash steroids I've been using have been making my lashes look like they're fake. I keep saying, "Sure, I don't know how everything will come together but I know it will all come together," and sort of shrugging.


My bridal shower was last Saturday and I started getting nervous about opening gifts in front of everybody. It just felt like way too much pressure. I mean, what  if somebody crocheted me a toilet seat cover with gigantic flowers on it and I had to pretend to like it?? That situation is entirely plausible, too, because it actually happened to my sister 5 years ago.

Then, I realized I had left all the invitations I was going to hand deliver back on our mountain. So I told like, 14 people over the weekend, "Your invitation is in my car! I'll give it to you at church on Sunday!" and then I discovered that I actually didn't even take them with me so it really just looked like I was a huge liar.

AND THEN, the questions began.

Have you called the florist?
Do you need immunizations for your honeymoon?
When are you getting your hair highlighted?
What do you want to write on this sign?
Do you want to use all of these 5 million different little tiny chalkboards?
Did you send out your invitations yet?
Are you going to register for more than 4 plates?
Did you book flight tickets with your maiden name?
Have you called the florist?
What color will you paint your nails?
What shade of lipstick will you wear?
How's your foot fungus doing?

At one point my mom and I were out in her craft room looking at all of the vases and she was asking me questions about frames, vases, and paper flowers and I just broke down.

"I don't want to do it anymore!" I wailed as I sobbed into her collarbone. "It's too much! We should have just eloped!"

And she did what mothers do best and she gave me a safe place to let all of my emotions out. She knew that I still wanted to get married but I was just overwhelmed. She knew the questions were too much. And just knowing that she knew made me feel a hundred times better.

Then we went inside and Keith saw my red and puffy eyes and when he asked if I was okay, I pulled him outside and cried into his shoulder as well. He held me and rubbed my back and said it would all be ok, and after I'd cried for a little bit, he told me I didn't have to do anything else that night.

"Yes, I do!" I practically yelled. "I have to set up a mock table and see how the centerpieces look and I have to make a list and choose the music and pick out all the chalkboard things and write on some of them AND I'M NOT GOING TO FIT INTO MY DRESS!"

He told me he'd help me and then he didn't say anything while I stuffed my face with leftover cucumber and chicken salad sandwiches. By that point, everybody at my parents' house knew I was having a meltdown, and they were all kind of just letting me melt, staying far enough away to not be within range of my misdirected anger but close enough that it didn't look like they were avoiding me.

THEN, we set up the centerpieces on a table so I could see what they looked like.

AND I HATED IT. "The table looks so empty! Why does it look so empty? Why aren't the vases taller? Why are the flowers so short? Why does it look so ugly? My wedding is going to be the worst!!!!!" My sister-in-law and mom were basically my saviors, because they fixed it and now I'm excited again, but for most of Saturday I was kind of a beast.

I did learn something through this though: on my wedding day I don't want anybody to ask me ANYTHING. We're having a family friend do the day of coordinating and I said to her, "Lynne, I'll go insane if people ask me things on our wedding day. Seriously. I don't care how things turn out, I just don't want anybody to ask me anything." Apparently I hate questions.

So basically this post just lets you see how crazy I've become. Keith is so lucky.

IF YOU HAVE ADVICE, PLEASE SHARE IT NOW. The comments have been my favorite thing about these wedding posts. You all have so much wisdom to share and I appreciate it more than you know.