Friday, May 29, 2015

Happy Birthday Keith

Today, my favorite person turns 28. Keith doesn't like people to make a big deal out of his birthday, so naturally I'm posting about his birthday on as many social media outlets as possible. Well, except Tumblr. I've never really understood Tumblr, I just know that Taylor Swift has one and she's really popular on there.

Back to Keith. I'm not good at all the sap and romance so I'm not going to write something all sweet and mushy. I tried to, and I deleted like 5 paragraphs because I'm a sarcastic person, not a sappy and romantic person. However, I will say that Keith is the most amazing man ever and I'm so #blessed to be marrying him. He's a genius, he's hilarious, he's super handsome, he's good at everything he tries... I could go on and on but I won't.

Happy birthday, Keith! I love you!

Thursday, May 28, 2015

I need answers and I need them NOW

Yesterday Natalie asked a question that got me to thinking about some things. She asked how often you're supposed to clean your toilet. I think this is a great question that doesn't have one right answer. I'm willing to bet NONE OF YOU clean your toilets as often as you probably should. And if you do, well maybe you have too much time on your hands and you should probably start wasting more of your life on Netflix.

Anyway, her question reminded me that I've got a lot of questions that I just don't know the answers to, and since it's your lucky day I'm going to ask my questions and give you all a chance to answer them, because whenever I try to answer them myself I feel like Joey from Friends:

~What am I supposed to do with the toilet brush after I clean the crusty toilet? Like, how do I rinse it off? Do I do it in the sink or in the bathtub? Because that seems disgusting. And do I just put it back in the holder while it's wet? That seems disgusting but like what other choice is there???

~At what age am I supposed to start using fancy face creams? Most things I read online say 25, and I'm past that line and I still wash my face and moisturize with Up & Up products from Target. I just don't want to spend $30 on face cream. I don't really want to spend $30 on anything really, unless it's dinner, and really only if it's dinner, drinks, AND dessert. And what kind of fancy face cream should I use? What about under eye cream? (This is where you offer me your suggestions)

~If you use that Biotin stuff to make your hair and nails grow, what else grows? I'm assuming that when it says it "makes hair grow" it can't only be referring to the hair on your head, right? Like, if I start using that stuff will it make my beard thicker? And my mustache? And what about the four little hairs on my big toes? Will I get SIX little hairs on my big toes??? THE HORROR.

~Where should I keep my toothbrush? I keep reading articles talking about all the nasty particles that get on your toothbrush if you leave it on the sink (FECES! EW!), but if you close it in a drawer or a medicine cabinet then it can get bacteria on it that way, too. Storing it in a little container seems worse and like it will get covered in mildew. What is the cleanest way to store a toothbrush??

~How does the iCloud work? I honestly have no idea but I'm pretty sure I have two iCloud accounts and no idea how to access them. 

~What's the best way to freeze meat? I'm mostly asking about chicken boobs and ground beef. If I find a good deal on meat, I want to buy it, but I don't necessarily want to eat it right away. One time I loosely wrapped a hunk of meat in some aluminum foil but that sucker got horrible freezer burn. The same thing happened when I put it in a Ziplock bag. WHAT DO I DO?

~How much damage am I really doing do my hair by trimming it myself? More damage than I'd be doing by letting the split ends hang out and get comfy? Because I trimmed it last night and I don't feel like apologizing for it.
~What's the difference between a vase and a vahz? Also how do you spell vahz? Do you just say "vahz" when you want to be pretentious? Are you only allowed to say "vahz" when you're drinking tea while having your pinkie up in the air?
Also, all these questions make me feel like Joey. ALL OF THEM.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Wedding Wednesday: When we almost lost our venue

Last Thursday was one of the scariest days of  my life. Or at least one of the scariest days of wedding planning. Most of you have enjoyed reading about how insane I'm going with all of this wedding planning, and you know how much of a royal pain in my honkeytonk to find a venue. You also know that we finally found a venue, and our wedding is now less than 4 months away.
Except that last Thursday, I thought our wedding wasn't going to happen because some people are incompetent think it's funny to ruin my life.

Let's back up: On May 12th I booked our venue. To book the venue you just have to say, "I want the venue on this date," and then it's yours. Then, within ten days you have to pay the deposit fee and you're totally set. I was told by someone whose name I will not share (mostly because I forgot it) that she would call me by May 25th to collect the deposit fee and then we'd be set. I told her, "That sounds great. I'd also like to set up a time to come view the venue on May 29." We're going back up there for Keith's cousin's wedding so the timing to view the venue worked out perfect. Anyway, she said I should call them by May 22 to set up the viewing time.

It sounds easy, right? Yes. Yes, it SOUNDS easy.
Last Thursday, May 21st, the venue called. I was in a work meeting (such important, so professional), and this is (basically) the message I listened to when the meeting was over:
Hi Juliette, this is Riley from the blah blah blah. I'm calling to collect the remaining balance for your event here next Friday, May 29. If you don't pay us we'll have to cancel your event. Your event next Friday, May 29. Please call me and give me money or else you can't have your event on May 29.

At first I only freaked out a little bit. I called Riley back and left a message saying, "Hi Riley, you're super wrong and I need to talk to you." Then I called him again, and got his answering machine. Then I called him again and got his answering machine AGAIN. Then I sat in the parking lot of Stater Bros and felt my body go numb because I'm nothing if not dramatic. I also had to pee a little bit. Then I called him and he FINALLY answered and I said, "RILEY, THANK GOD." And this is is how our conversation went:
Riley: Who is this?
Juliette: It's Juliette, returning your call about permit number blah 8675309 (<----- please tell me you see what I just did there). I'm calling to tell you that your information is like, really wrong. (Nervous laughter)
Riley: [sounding snooty] Oh, really? And just how is it wrong?
Juliette: Because my wedding is on September 26, not May 29. We're reserving the place for September 26. I called last week and spoke to a woman and she wrote it all down and took care of it.
Riley: Oh... interesting.
Riley: Well, what's your last name?
Juliette: [Juliette's last name has been removed because of privacy and safety from inter web stalkers]
Riley: Hmm... and what's your fiancé's last name?
Juliette: [Keith's last name has been removed because of privacy and safety from inter web stalkers]
Riley: Hmmm. Nope, you don't have September 26 reserved.
Riley: Unfortunately I cannot give you that information because of privacy.
Juliette: Well, unfortunately for that person they're going to have to switch their date because September 26 is MY date and you have no idea how much hell I've been through finding my date and I AM getting married on September 26 and you WILL be fixing this because that is MY date and you WILL FIX IT DAMMIT.
Riley: Unfortunately you don't have a reservation on September 26.
Juliette: When did this other person reserve that date?
Riley: Yesterday.
Juliette: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? [trying not to cry and suddenly feeling very hot] Well, I don't know how you're going to do this but you WILL be fixing this and you WILL be calling me back by the end of the day and letting me know where you are with fixing this. If you don't you'll be ruining my wedding. I reserved that date. It's MINE. If you can't fix it I'll be expecting to speak with your supervisor about how you're ruining my wedding because THAT DATE IS MINE.

Then Riley said "ok" and I went into the grocery store to use the bathroom and try to find cheap boneless chicken breasts. Instead of finding chicken breasts I walked out with 10 yogurt cups, string cheese, Diet Coke, wine, and chocolate chips. And then I sobbed all the way home and I'm not kidding you when I say that I thought I was going to pass out on the road.

I didn't pass out. Instead I went home to drown my sorrows in Chardonnay and chocolate chips. Then I tweeted about my problem and texted people complaining about how hard my life was and I stared at the clock for like 4 hours. It was miserable.

THEN the heavens opened and angels sang and Riley called me back and said that the woman I had spoken to originally had gone on maternity leave the day after I spoke with her and he doesn't know what happened but he fixed everything and September 26 could be my wedding date again.

And then I cried, but this time from happiness. 

And that's the story of how I was a bridezilla for a moment and almost had to go all Bride Wars on somebody's butt and then in the end it always works out and isn't it a good thing I'm not dramatic?

And now, I have some questions. I've tried googling these things but I don't like the answers I've been getting, plus I trust all you readers way more than OTHER internet strangers. So please help me out with your opinions, either from your own bride experience or something you know from a friend or family member's wedding.

What one thing do you wish you could change about your wedding?

What was the best advice you've either heard or given regarding the wedding day?

What's one thing you always remember from weddings you attend?

Is it ok to wear my engagement ring while I'm washing dishes? What about while I'm showering?

What do you think is currently the most overdone wedding trend? Please be brutally honest, I can probably take it. And if not it's fine because I have wine.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Mountain High Yoghurt: Simplify Your Life

Life is busy. It's always busy. It was busy when I lived in San Luis and worked 40 hours a week while having an extracurricular activity almost every night, and it's busy now that I'm only working 24-30 hours a week and planning a wedding and taking trips almost once a month back up to visit family and oh my gosh are you getting as tired reading that as I am just typing it?

The point is that life is busy, for all of us. I'm constantly searching for ways to live more simply and I'm willing to bet you are too! Today I have some ways to simplify your life using just one product: Mountain High Yoghurt.

Keith and I like to snack. We like to snack a lot. Keeping Mountain High Yoghurt in the house makes it extremely easy for me to whip up a delicious and healthy snack without having to worry about keeping dozens of different products in the house. Smoothies, yogurt bowls, fruit dips, or a sour cream yoghurt substitution are just a few of the ways you can use one product in an extremely versatile way!

The other day I made this amazing smoothie using Mountain High low fat vanilla yoghurt. For this smoothie you will need:

-Any flavor of Mountain High Yoghurt
-Frozen fruit (I used a mix of strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, and blueberries)
-Fresh fruit (I used bananas)
-A blender
-A fun straw

To make:

Here are two important things I learned: 1) If you use frozen fruit you don't have to use ice, and your smoothie will have an amazingly smooth consistency, and 2) Put the yoghurt and milk in at the bottom of the blender, because if you put the frozen fruit right next to the blades it will not be simple to blend your smoothie.

Next, blend! Next, pour into a glass and use a thick straw to slurp the simple deliciousness down.


Another simple snack you can use with Mountain High Yoghurt is a yogurt bowl. Simply pour your favorite kind of Mountain High yogurt into a bowl and mix with your choice of fruit (my favorite is strawberries, and Keith's favorite is peaches). 

Another thing I love about Mountain High Yoghurt is that their name is unique and meaningful. Are you wondering why I've been spelling "yoghurt" with the "h"? It's because that's the way it's spelled in many European countries. Back when Mountain High Yoghurt was first produced in the 1970s, it was being made "The Old World Way." This means that the yoghurt was slowly churned while sitting in the cup. So, Mountain High has been making their yoghurt this special way for around 40 years, and it's clearly a tried and true recipe!

Mountain High Yoghurt wants to help you simplify your life with their product. All you have to do is visit this website and subscribe to their newsletter, and you'll be rewarded with a coupon so you can try Mountain High Yoghurt for yourself! Try this smoothie recipe, a fruit bowl, or use yoghurt as a substitute for sour cream in your favorite burritos or tacos! Enjoy!

*Today's post is sponsored by Mountain High Yoghurt, but my love for their delicious product is all my own!*

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

I care what you think about my wedding

This is a feelings post, not a funny post.

I've really been enjoying writing these Wedding Wednesday posts. It's been a lot of fun to have this great outlet for everything that stresses me out and everything that's just ridiculous about planning a wedding, and I truly appreciate everyone who has given me suggestions, pointers, or just laughed along with me! Sometimes it's really difficult to plan a wedding from 300 miles away and without having our family or close friends nearby, but it's still been largely enjoyable and I feel like I've learned a lot about a lot of things.

Also, I want to just take a second to express how truly excited I am to marry Keith. I really never thought this would happen, but I'm so happy it has, and it's still pretty surreal that our wedding is in just over four months. (We still haven't made the date "official" but I feel confident in saying that September 26 will be our day.)

OKAY now that the mush is out of the way... I mentioned that I've learned a lot about myself through this process. The biggest thing I've learned is just how much the opinion of others means to me. We haven't really committed to anything (except Chipotle) yet, and over the past few days I started to really think about why. Why do I not want to tell people our colors or that we aren't serving alcohol or that we don't want a unity candle or communion? Here's the answer: because I really care about what people think, and I don't want anybody to think we're doing something dumb or wrong. I'm terrified of people thinking that my colors look stupid, or ugly. I have a real concern about people telling me to my face that my ideas are "so pretty!" "so original!" "so artistic!" when they're really wondering why I want a blue cake stand or why I want to do my own makeup or why I want the bridesmaids to wear totally different dresses.

Everywhere I look I'm bombarded with people saying, "I don't care what people think," or something to that effect. It feels wrong to care. It feels weak. But it's the truth. I do care what people think, and that's why even though it's our wedding, it doesn't really feel like it's our wedding.

If we only use the plastic utensils that Chipotle provides and their cardboard bowls, will people think I'm not classy? Will they think I don't care about nice things?

I'd better give a corsage to every single woman in both of our extended families so no one feels left out.

How am I going to choose in what order to place the bridesmaids without making someone feel bad about having to stand at the end?

My Grandma loves hymns, so if we don't have a hymn during the ceremony will she be offended and disown me?

Will anyone think I'm being disrespectful for wearing sandals? Are sandals even disrespectful?

If we don't invite the girl who babysat me twice when I was five will she unfriend me on Facebook?

I know I'm being ridiculous. Trust me, I know. It feels wrong to share this on the internet, because it's not inspirational, or uplifting, or brave, or even funny. It feels pointless to be writing it. But it also feels honest, and it feels real. I care about what other people think, and I always have. Usually I can fake it and pretend like I don't care and I can just "do me," but not with the wedding.

The wedding is too important to us for me not to care. Not necessarily the actual wedding, but what it represents. The two of us making those vows to each other in front of the people who matter most to us is the important part. Maybe I should get that tattooed on myself so whenever I start getting insecure I can remind myself that September 26 is not about cake stands or cardboard bowls.

But then ... would you make fun of my tattoo??

Do you have any words of wisdom? When you planned your wedding, or a friend's wedding, or a birthday party, did you share any of these concerns? How did you get over them? Please provide me with a detailed list, complete with index and bibliography, thanks.

Also, send wine.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

It's Inevitable

This post was inspired by my trip to the grocery store, where I walked in for some yogurt and walked out with approximately 17 other items. 

It's inevitable...

...that if I go into the grocery store with only yogurt on my list and a basket in my hand, I'll walk out with 8 containers of  yogurt, one pie crust, two containers of cool whip, two things of coffee creamer (it was on sale! $1.99! You try saying no to creamer that cheap), four oranges, three pears, seven banans, one Clif bar, and an emptiness in my heart because my favorite Snyder's sourdough pretzel bites were out of stock.

...that if we're going to be taking our engagement pictures the next day and I decide to paint my nails myself, I won't be able to. They'll smudge and I'll cry and say everything is ruined.

...that when Keith says, "I'm going to take a shower please DO NOT turn on the faucet in the kitchen," I'll get so focused on repeating in my head, "don't turn on the faucet don't turn on the faucet don't turn on the faucet" that I'll forget that I'm not supposed to turn on the faucet.

...that when I decide I'm finally going to start #sheddingforthewedding (and get rid of those 12 pounds I've gained since I moved last October) I'll go to the grocery store for some yogurt and somehow cookie dough, chocolate bars, ice cream, movie theater butter popcorn, and wine will somehow jump into my card without me noticing.

...also that when I've finally decided to start #sheddingforthewedding I'll decide to go for a run or a brisk walk and I'll only be able to find one of my tennis shoes. It's been a month and I still haven't found the other one.

...that when I finally make a beautiful and almost symmetrical egg white omelette...

...I'll get impatient and not let it cook all the way on the inside.

...that when I actually get out of bed at my first alarm and give myself enough time to get ready for work and stop for my favorite 7-11 coffee and still be 2 minutes early to work, one of two things will happen: 1) they'll be out of the hazelnut coffee, which is stupid because obviously the hazelnut blend is the best blend so WHY do they only make ONE container of the hazelnut???? and my whole 7-11 trip will have been pointless, or 2) I'll get my delicious cup of liquid crack but get stuck in line behind the elderly lady who wants to check to see if her scratcher was a winner, and when the checker says, "No, sorry," the lady goes into her whole speech about how she could have SWORN she had a winner and the whole thing will last for like 5 minutes and I'll be late for work.

...that I'll have a good idea for a blog post and 95% of it is about food.


Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Wedding Wednesday: What have we done so far?

Hi. We haven't gone crazy, I swear.
But I just spelled the word "swear" like "swaar" on accident
so maybe don't quote me on that.


We're perfect for each other....clearly.
Are you all ready for another installment of Wedding Wednesday??? I hope so, because I sure am. Something really great happened last weekend and I'm going to tell you about it. You see, I've been looking for a Wedding Wednesday link-up because I just know I've seen them in the past but for the life of me I couldn't find one. I kept googling things and my normally above average googling skills weren't helping me out at all and it was really frustrating. But then Erin told me about a Wedding Wednesday link up on this blog and all became right in my world.

But don't worry, I still have a wedding-planning-appropriate ecard for you today:

Today I decided to just write an update about what we've decided on and what we haven't decided on. I know what you're thinking: But Juliette, aren't you going to complain about everything????? and don't you worry, I sure will. But we've also actually decided on some things so I'd like to keep a record of that.
And actually nothing is 100% decided but 99.9% is basically 100% so you know what I mean. So today what I've done is just asked myself wedding preparation questions. I didn't look them up for a website; they're just things I've thought of. If there's anything you can think of that isn't on here I need you to tell me, because I haven't done anything on the online wedding checklists because every time I look at them they make me want to stab my eyeballs with a dull pencil.
Has the date been set? This is one of those things that is 99.9% sure. Originally we were looking at a date in October or November. My ideal date was October 17 for a few reasons: it was the one year anniversary of the date I moved to the mountain, it was my grandpa's birthday (he died when I was a baby but it's still super special), and there isn't a home football game at my dad/aunt's Alma Mater. Don't laugh, it's a big deal. But now we're looking at September 26th which is like WAY sooner. Like 4 1/2 months away. Which is basically tomorrow.
Have you found a venue yet? Let me tell you a story. Back when we first got engaged I started googling venues immediately, because I knew we'd have a short engagement and things fill up quickly. Well, nothing was available. Like, until April of 2016, and neither of us wanted to wait. So we started looking at some other venues and then I basically started looking up the price for just about every venue within a 90 minute radius of San Luis Obispo, CA. Did you know that wedding venues usually start at $3k? Or, if they don't start at $3k, they trick you with hidden prices. Like, you HAVE to buy aaaaalllllll the rooms in their B&B, or you HAVE to use their catering service for which there is a $5k minimum, or you HAVE to cut off your left leg or offer them your firstborn child. 
It's insane.
So, last weekend I finally caved and said, "Ok fine, I will get married and have a ceremony on the military base with the ugly carpet because I love the LOCATION and the price." It was a huge concession for me. BUT THEN. Then, I called the base and they said, "Oh, we just changed our policy three months ago, and due to national security threats we don't allow people to have weddings here unless either the bride or groom is a veteran or on active duty in the armed forces." Then there was a pause and he said, "I can tell by your silence that isn't the case." So I came back with, "Well, in the late 60s or early 70s my dad worked in the WHITE HOUSE and fifteen years ago I went to a wedding there and decided that's where I wanted to get married and did I mention my dad is a PASTOR and could you PLEASE make an exception???" I believe his response was something along the lines of, "LOL, no."
So then I cried a little. Kay fine, a lot. Then the next day I decided to resume my search, and I thought, I may as well call our first choice venue and ask them to put us on a list of people who they'll call if somebody calls off their wedding. Let me be clear in saying that I was NOT hoping a wedding would be cancelled. I was merely being smart and practical and proactive. So I looked online, did a double take, and called and said, "EXCUSE ME BUT DO YOU HAVE SEPTEMBER 26 AVAILABLE? YES I WOULD LIKE IT." And it's basically meant to be and it isn't set in stone but there's a very good chance that our wedding will be here.
What are your colors? I keep saying "pink and blue" and when I say that I picture these things that I pinned:

But I think mostly it will be pinks and gold. Maybe some hint s of blue but not too much. And the guys will probably be wearing khaki or grey but don't quote my on that. Keith's still holding out for a baby blue suit which would actually work really well with the colors but don't tell him I told you that.
Have you chosen your wedding party? Keith has asked all of his groomsmen to be in the wedding in the time it took me to come up with the caption and post our announcement to instagram. I have chosen my bridal party but so far I've only officially asked two of the girls to stand up there with me. Pinterest has made life really hard and made me feel like I have to be adorable, so I ordered some cards and I'll be sending them out next week.
What will you be having for dinner at the reception? Chipotle. Did you know when you have Chipotle cater an event guac is INCLUDED in the price??????? SCORE.
Do you have your dress? No, but Faith showed me a website where I could get a dress for $50 so I feel like things are really moving along in that area.
Who will be officiating? My dad, if he can get through it without crying. And we're trying to convince Keith's grandpa to do the beginning part where he asks the "Who gives this woman," thing. He says he's really nervous for it but I think we'll wear him down.
What shoes are you going to wear? I want gold sandals. I don't want to wear heels because we'll be on grass, and I hate the way my feet look in flats, so I want sparkly gold sandals. Do you have any suggestions? Feel free to google stuff and send it my way. I'm totally open to things. Also I'm sick of googling and I'd like other people to do it for me.

What's been the worst part about planning the wedding so far? By far it's been finding a venue. I've cried so many times out of anger ad frustration and irritation. I mean, what makes these people think they can automatically charge $10,000 just because it's FOR A WEDDING? I feel like that's price gouging and I also feel like it's double you are oh en gee ee WRONG. 
Where are you going on the honeymoon? We want to go to Europe. Like Italy, Germany, England, Ireland... basically anywhere in Europe. One trip we looked at gave us a 12 hour layover in Moscow so if we did that then we'd get to see part of Russia, too. Do you have ideas? And by that I mean do any of you have hookups where you can get us a European honeymoon for free? That's not too much to ask, is it?

Realistically speaking, both of us just want to go somewhere w wouldn't normally go. People have suggested places in California but that feels like a trip we could take on an extended weekend. We want to go somewhere COOL and cheap, but not a beach,. Neither of us like the beach so please don't suggest that. Or, if you do, suggest a beach that has lots of other stuff to do like hiking, ziplining, cage diving with sharks, etc. THANKS.

And I think that's about it. I really just want to have the venue set. I'm so sick of looking at places and emailing people! Make. it. stahp!! Can we just be married already? PLEASE?

Friday, May 8, 2015


Hi. I'm clearly thrilled to be here today, can't you tell? I really just want you to tell me how impressed you are that I've blogged four times this week. The last time that happened was probably when I was unemployed, but I don't really remember. I saw Becca do this post where you give four answers to questions and it looked like fun and it also looked like something that wouldn't require a lot of effort, and if you know me then you know I love anything that requires little to no effort. SO. Here was are.
4 names people call you:
1. Juel
2. Juels
3. Jay T (only my dad calls me that)
4. Fiancee
4 jobs you've had:
1. Subway sandwich artist (this is where my love affair with sandwiches began)
2. Traffic controller at a college graduation
3. Princess
4. Nanny
4 movies you've watched more than once:
1. Baby Mama
2. The Dark Knight
3. Titanic
4. About Time
4 books you would recommend:
1. Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult
2. Bossypants by Tina Fey
3. Harry Potter collectively
4. On Mountain High by Lindsay Hess
4 places you've lived:
1. Carrollton, Texas
2. San Luis Obispo, California
3. Brea, California
4. Twin Peaks, California
4 places you've been:
1. Yosemite National Park
2. Chicago
3. West Virginia
4. The camp where they filmed the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap movie (it's right down the street from where I work #humblebrag #jkjustanormalbrag)
4 places you'd rather be now:
1. In bed asleep
2. On the couch asleep
3. Hanging out with Baby Kate and shoe shopping
4. In Los Osos
4 of your favorite foods:
1. Sandwiches
2. Cheez Its
3. Bacon
4. Symphony chocolate bars with toffee nuggets
4 tv shows you watch:
1. Gotham
2. Nashville
3. Dig
4. Modern Family
4 things you're looking forward to this year:
1. Getting married. Did you know I'm getting married? And entertaining the idea of wearing 17 veils?
2. Highlighting my hair
3. Going to Canadia
4. Fourth of July fireworks at Lake Arrowhead
4 things you're always saying:
1. "No
2. "Let me show you this thing I saw on the internet..."
3. Tv show/movie quotes
4. "No we don't have anything decided for the wedding yet"
4 tags:
1. You
2. You
3. You
4. You

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Kitchen Fails (with gross pictures)

I'm pretty sure I've never claimed to be a very good cook. If I have, it was definitely in jest and if you believed me well, sorry. Growing up my homeschool group would get together and some of the parents would teach some classes. A few of my favorites were: cross stitch, quillow class (that's where you make a quilt that has a magic pocket that makes it turn into a pillow), baton class, drama (what? me? dramatic?), and cooking.
The only thing I remember from cooking class is something called "enchilitos." It's a cross between an enchilada and a burrito. You make a bunch of burritos and put them in a casserole pan and pour enchilada sauce and cheese and whatever on top and when I was 12 it was really delicious.
But since then my skills in the kitchen have mostly declined and today I decided to help you lose your appetites and show you some pictures of my fails. You're so welcome. I'm just so generous and caring and if you throw up in your mouth a little bit from some of these pictures, well, I did warn you.
Here we have my attempt at making banana chips. I read online that if you dip slices of bananas in lemon juice and put it in the oven you'll have delicious banana chips. I don't know what I screwed up but it was really hard getting these banana slices off of my pan and they were disgusting.
Half the time when I make Grandma's 7 minute icing I do a great job. The other half I end up with a melty mess which results in what we like to call "earthhquake cake."

One time when I tried to make muddy buddies in my old apartment I succeeded in getting powdered sugar aaaaallllll over the kitchen. Oh and did you know powdered sugar is also known as "confectioner's sugar"? I learned that the hard way when Keith's mom gave me a recipe for one of his favorite desserts and I hunted all over the grocery store looking for something called "confectioner's sugar" before I finally decided to google it and then I was both embarrassed at myself and annoyed that she didn't just write "powdered sugar."

One time I dropped a brand new carton of eggs on the floor. I think one of them stayed intact and I'm also weirdly proud of that one yolk that didn't crack.

I tried to make jalapeno poppers and failed miserably.

HARD BOILING EGGS IS LIKE THE HARDEST THING EVER. I've never been a fan of hard boiled eggs (unless they're deviled eggs) so when I tried to hard boil eggs for the first time I actually googled how to do it. Unfortunately the instructions didn't tell me not to use a lid. Did you know when you use a lid the eggs explode?

Finally, Keith showed me his fancy egg timer he has. You put it in the water with the eggs and it turns colors and you take the eggs out when the egg timer reaches the color that corresponds with the hard boiled-enss of the eggs you desire. This works great when I remember there are eggs on the stove. But this one time I forgot for like, an hour, and the only thing that reminded me about the eggs on the stove was the loud "POP!" which was the teflon or whatever part of the pot exploding.

The egg below is just a mutant egg. The other three in the pot turned out just fine but this one decided it doesn't like rules or order or looking normal. Nobody ate it.

Crock pots are like, the best invention ever. So whenever I see cheap chicken at the grocery store I'll buy it and toss it in the crock pot with BBQ sauce or salsa and that makes a few meals. Well, the other night I found some SUPER cheap chicken that was already marinated. It was "asada pollo [some other Spanish word]." It tasted great right when I cooked it but then I put it in the fridge and then the next night I looked in the container and saw what you see down there.

I think that's fat. I still mixed it with other stuff and I served it to Keith and he thought it was delicious until he found some cartilage in it.

Another time I tried to crock pot some pork but it turned purple. Legitimately purple and I'm an idiot who didn't take pictures.

And finally we have this lemon onion chicken barf. I found a recipe that told me to dredge the chicken, and after I googled "how to dredge chicken" I chopped up some purple onions and some lemons and looked for dill and parsley and the other spices the recipe called for and tossed some salt and pepper and chili powder on it and stuck it in the oven and when it came out it looked like vomit.

It tasted ok but it was SUPER slimy, and the leftovers the next day were really HEAVY. Apparently vomit weighs more the next day.

BRB gotta go order take out because I don't belong in the kitchen.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Wedding Wednesday: Weird Wedding Traditions

It's Wednesday, which means it's the day where I come to you complaining about how hard wedding planning is and how every day I become a little more open to the idea of eloping. Last week I wrote all about how difficult it's been finding a venue, and for those of you who are emotionally invested in this process you should know that we still haven't found a venue. It's super fun being in limbo like this.
Lately Keith and I have been talking about the ceremony and reception, and the things we want to do and the things we don't care about. Actually, it's been more of me telling him what we will not be doing. Like, "Keith, we aren't doing the garter. I don't want you sticking your head under my dress in front of 125 people," and, "Oh, when we feed each other cake you are NOT allowed to smash it in my face." Then he says stuff like, "Wow this will be such a fun day for me," and he's totally deadpan and makes it seem like he's being sarcastic but I'm sure he's probably not.
In discussing the things I don't want to do, I decided to check the origin (or supposed origin, in most cases) of some of what I think are the more strange traditions. Once I started Googling I couldn't stop, and I feel like this information really really really needs to be shared.
1. The garter. This is the tradition I'm the most opposed to. Maybe I'm a prude, but the idea of sitting on a chair and having Keith stick his head under my dress and remove the garter with his teeth while my parents and 99 year old grandmother and other people watch just makes me really itchy all over. And I know people usually remove the garter with their hands now but do you know Keith at all? He likes to do whatever is the most embarrassing option. Anyway, when I checked the origin of the garter tradition I became shocked and appalled and even more against the tradition than I was before.
Here's the story: apparently, hundreds and hundreds of years ago, it was considered "good luck" to own a piece of the bride's wedding dress. Right after the ceremony was over and presumably while the bride and groom were still at the altar, the guests would rush the altar and rip her dress to shreds in order to keep a piece for themselves. There was also a think called "fingering the stocking" where the bride's undergarments would get checked the next day too make sure they consummated the marriage. Do not google "fingering the stocking." Just don't do it. Or do it and tell me what you find because I'm too afraid to do it myself.
2. Carrying a bouquet down the aisle. I'm not really opposed to this, but I was really curious about why we do it. One website said that one reason brides used to carry the bouquet was to make sure they smelled nice. Apparently Chanel fragrances didn't exist back in the Middle Ages (Chanel sounds pretty selfish to me), so they would use flowers as perfume. Not baby's breath, though, because I recently learned that baby's breath doesn't smell great for long periods of time. Another thing brides carried was spices, or dill and marigolds. Why? Oh, because it made people get filled with lust.
So obviously the people who fingered the stocking didn't go to weddings where the bride carried dill and marigold, because if they did their stockings wouldn't have needed to get fingered. Or at least, not in the way I mentioned above. LET'S JUST MOVE ON.
3. Matching bridesmaids dresses. I don't want my bridesmaids to wear matching dresses. Cassie pulled this off flawlessly and this post she wrote about mismatching dresses (and all her other wedding posts) is permanently bookmarked, and was even before I got engaged. So anyway, I decided to look up why people have bridesmaids and why they always wear matching dresses, and do you have any idea what I found out? Do you? Maybe I won't tell you.
Just kidding, I will. In the olden days the bridesmaids not only wore matching dresses, but they wore dresses that matched the BRIDE. Down to the veil. The idea was that a bride was prone to evil spirits, and if there were multiple women dressed the same, the evil spirit would get confused and not know which one he wanted to enter and infest or whatever. Also, the best man was to serve as armed backup for the groom in case he had to resort to kidnapping his intended bride away from disapproving parents. "Best" referred to his skill with a sword.
4. It's bad luck for the bride to see the groom before the ceremony. This goes back to arranged marriages, when the bride and groom often didn't meet before the wedding. The groom wasn't supposed to see the bride because what if he thought she was ugly and refused to marry her? Awkward for everybody, and also the reason for the veil over the face.
I won't be wearing a veil over the face, and I would love to do a first look instead of waiting to see each other until I walk down the aisle. Keith doesn't want to do a first look because it seems like too much pressure, and that doesn't make sense to me. Wouldn't there be more pressure if 125 people are watching your reaction to seeing the bride for the first time? "Nobody looks at the groom," Keith says. To which I reply, "YES THEY DO!" And he fires back with, "Ok fine, only people who've seen 27 Dresses look at the groom." And that's the end of our conversation.

 That's all for now because all of this is making me go crazy. Check back next Wednesday because I'm either going to complain about how everybody says the wedding is about you two but it's really NOT just about you two; how people are really bad at pretending they aren't judging you for wanting a buffet; or how I think I'm going to do my own nails and my own makeup because I'm low maintenance and super picky about my eyeliner.

Bye and please send Xanax or money.

Monday, May 4, 2015

How to avoid spoilers for all your favorite tv shows

Warning: this post may contain spoilers for some shows.
A couple of weeks ago I was walking down the street with Keith when I read a text from Sami. It said something to the effect of: I just saw a huge spoiler for Grey's Anatomy tonight, so stay off Twitter if you don't want it to be ruined. I literally gasped and then made her tell me what happened. When she did (this was from the April 23rd episode from which I still haven't recovered) my hand flew to my mouth and I choked, "This can't be real!" And then I watched the show that night instead of the next morning because I just had to find out if it was true... and then I sobbed for twenty minutes. Like, sobbed. Like, Keith came over and just stared at me half amused and half like, "I can't believe you're crying this hard over another man."
ANYWAY. All of that to say, it would have been way too easy for me to have accidentally read a spoiler from the show and then been super made about it. I'm sure you've all experienced that too: you're excited for a show and then you sign on to the internet or turn on the radio or just go out in public and your show is totally and completely ruined and you scream for hours and hours.
Haven't you ever wished there was a foolproof way to make sure you never read or hear another spoiler ever again? Well, don't worry, because I have the best plan ever for you. Seriously, you should all just thank me now.
Here's what you do:
Move to New Hampshire and build yourself a little cabin in the woods. Don't get cable or even electricity. Live off of water from streams and nuts and berries from the woods. Never interact with anyone ever again. And BAM! You'll never find out another spoiler ever again. It'll just be you, some snow, and a barrel filled with hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Ok, obviously that isn't a real suggestion. So, how do you really avoid spoilers? The answer is easy: you don't. It's pretty impossible. The other day I was watching Friends, and it referenced the ending of a movie I've never seen (I don't remember the movie so don't ask), and now that movie is ruined and I never have to watch it again. Another time, Jeopardy! ruined the ending of a movie. Another time a pastor ruined the ending of a movie in one of his sermons. Another time I read a Buzzfeed article called, "The 30 tv show deaths we'll never get over," and it spoiled Walking Dead, Sons of Anarchy, Game of Thrones, and others. But that was seriously my own fault. So you have to remember:
BUT. I think people should take some precautions when it comes to spoiling things. For example, don't spoil a tv show or movie in a blog post title. Just don't do it. You'll probably get more clicks if you're vague, anyway, fyi.
In my opinion, people should be allowed to live tweet tv shows. LIVE TWEET. This means you can tweet about what's happening as it's happening. Don't go doing it if you're catching up the next day. Like, you can tweet about it but you have to be vague. So if I had been catching up on Grey's Anatomy the Friday after the worst episode ever, instead of tweeting, "OMG SHONDA RHIMES YOU KILLED DEREK AND YOU CRUSHED MY SOUL," I would instead tweet something like, "OMG SHONDA RHIMES YOU HAVE NO SOUL AND I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID." See the difference?
Also, if I'm not able to watch something live, I'll stay off of Twitter (and probably Facebook and Instagram, but definitely Twitter) while it's airing, because I know people will be posting about it and I'm taking responsibility for the information I let myself see. Don't blame other people because you're on the internet basically asking for it. And here's something you have to remember: TIME ZONES. Like, on Mondays if I don't want anybody to spoil The Bachelor, I can't get on Twitter starting at 5pm PST. It's just me being responsible.
So for the TL;DR version: only post spoilers as they're actually happening, and if you don't want things to be spoiled then stay off the internet while your show is airing in any time zone.
 Ok gotta go, it's like way past my bedtime and I think I've done enough rambling.
What do you think? Am I totally off base? Have you gotten shows ruined for you in some other way? Are you going to move to New Hampshire?