Thursday, August 28, 2014

My first camping trip is this weekend

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your sweet encouraging comments on yesterday's post. You are all amazing and I can't tell you how much it all meant to me!

HAPPY FRIDAY! Just kidding, it's Thursday. Except for me, it's Friday because I'm taking tomorrow off so I can enjoy a wonderful four day weekend in the most beautiful place in the world: Yosemite. The only time I've ever been to Yosemite was when I was too little to remember anything so I'm basing my opinion of "most beautiful place in the world" completely on hearsay and Google images. But I mean, see for yourself.

Photo from here.
We're going actual camping. Like, in a tent with sleeping bags and with warnings about bears. The only other time I went camping was when I was like 13 and my youth group went "camping" and you had to bring your own food so I brought some sliced turkey, a loaf of WonderBread, 1 liter of Dr. Pepper, and cinnamon Pop Tarts that I thought were S'mores Pop Tarts until I bit into a [cold] one and realized to my horror that I had made a huge mistake.
This camping trip will be different. Mostly because we'll be making gourmet s'mores. I found this post on Buzzfeed and after I wiped the drool off my keyboard and chin I decided we'd absolutely be making Reese's s'mores and then I really wanted to do Nutella s'mores but I kept having these visions of me hiding in some bushes by a tree eating Nutella out of the jar with a stick and then throwing it up on one of our hikes, so I stuck with Reese's and cookies and cream Hershey's bars. Self-control at its finest. You know how else I exhibited self-control? I did not eat any of the s'mores ingredients last night. NOT A THING. I definitely sniffed the packages a lot but I didn't open anything.
When I asked Keith if he wanted me to bring the one wire hanger I found in my closet when I went through and replaced all my mismatched colors with white ones he said, "Oh, I just figured we'd roast stuff on sticks we found at the camp site." I'll definitely be bringing the wire hanger but I appreciate that we're probably really going to be "roughing it." I told him I want to feel like I'm getting a true camping experience so even if the showers are close by I probably won't use them, and he said, "With how much you sweat when you're not even doing anything I'm gonna have to demand that you shower after a day of hiking."
Keith and I are meeting at his parents' house in the Valley tonight and then we're driving up to Yosemite tomorrow. I'm going to get to his parents' house around 8pm and he'll get there around 3am which means I'm going to have to interact with his parents all by myself without him around to act as a buffer. I love his parents and we get along really well, but I've never hung out with them without anybody else around and I'm feeling pretty nervous about it, but I think it will be a good bonding experience so I'm going to try really hard not to say, "Ok, I'm going to bed" at 830 and just hiding out in their guest bedroom.
I started packing for this trip last night and it didn't go well. Partly because most of my clothes were in the washer when I was packing but also because I looked at my little pile of hiking clothes and thought, there's no way this is enough for four days. But like, it IS actually enough for four days. Because we'll be in the wilderness. Hiking. And I don't need to pack my makeup or hair tools or a regular bra or Mr. Quackers and that's just a really foreign concept to me. I absolutely do have to remember to pack a pillow though, because I'm not 25 anymore and I don't think my body would survive a combination of sleeping on the hard ground and not having a pillow.
I think it's time to end this really long rambling post that is basically just telling you that I'm going camping for the first time and I'm going to be eating amazing s'mores. Please keep your fingers crossed that I don't get eaten by a bear or fall off a waterfall or get really sunburned or fall into the fire. Also please keep your fingers crossed that I don't do anything embarrassing at Keith's parents' house like break something or say something stupid or burp in front of them.
Also what is good camping food because so far all I'm planning on bringing is cans of like, chili and stuff.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I'm moving

Recently I mentioned that I have to figure out where to move when the lease at my apartment ends. Well, it's decided. In two-ish weeks I'm moving... back in with my parents.
To be honest, I'm really dreading this. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I am really thankful that they're willing to let me live with them while I figure out my next move (pun sort of intended but only if it made you laugh), but I feel like in the last year, and especially the last three months, I've gotten really good at living on my own. It's just one of my many special talents. Coming home to an empty apartment and doing whatever I want (which usually involves a hike, some Netflix, and then general laziness) is pretty great and I'm sad to be giving that up.
Financially though, this is definitely the best decision. Anything that involves free rent can't be a bad thing, right? (Joke, don't take me seriously.) Living with my parents will allow me to savesavesave which will, in turn, make whatever comes next much easier. I'm just kind of sad. Last night I was going through my closet trying to get rid of old clothes (six bags of clothes are ready to be donated or given to my sister or something) and I ended up just wandering aimlessly around my apartment thinking of all the things I'm going to miss. I reminisced about the memories in the apartment over the last year... some made me really sad but most made me smile, and I just let myself feel sad to be saying goodbye to this stage of life.

I just wrote three whole paragraphs about all the little details I'm going to miss, but if I were you I'd probably just skim those paragraphs, so I deleted them. You're welcome.

Probably what I'm going to miss the most is my independence. I won't be able to leave dirty dishes on the coffee table or the counter and just think, I'll get to that later, like I do now. I'll have to actually be clothed when I'm walking around the house. I won't be able to have a bottle glass of wine or a ninja mimosa whenever I feel like it. I won't live .75 miles away from my favorite mountain to hike. I won't live 7 minutes away from Target. But I also won't be woken up at 530 every single morning by that stupid bird and his incessant squawking. Silver lining, right?

Sometimes you have to take a step backward to take some steps forward, or something like that. And even though I know I'm being dramatic about this and it's probably not a big deal and it's for the best and tons of people live with their parents, I'm sad. Last year when I moved out of their house I felt like I was taking this huge step forward and I was finally on my own, but I feel like I'm just backpedaling and I think a little bit of me is embarrassed. Part of me feels like a failure, which is stupid. I know so many people who live with their parents and I've never once thought "Oh, that person failed and that's so lame that she lives with her parents." Not once have I thought that. I guess we just judge ourselves harder than we judge other people.

This weekend Keith and I are going camping in Yosemite (I should have written a post about how I'm freaking out about camping for the very first time and what the heck am I supposed to pack???) and then I only have one more weekend in my little apartment before I officially don't live on my own anymore. It's probably safe to say that the ninja mimosas will be flowing heavily that weekend.

Ugh I'm really sorry this was so depressing. I thought writing was supposed to make you feel better but for some reason this just made it feel more real and I'm still sad so it's probably a good time to take a look at some of my favorite GIFs.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Vlogging Take 2

Last week Keith and I vlogged (finally) and I had a really great time doing it so when he finally came back from Alaska and I got to see him over the weekend I was like, "We're doing this again." I asked you to give us stuff to talk about and YOU DID. So I drank some wine, some expensive French wine (that wasn't very special) and we took some shots of Fireball and we recorded this video and you can watch it if you want but you're under no obligation to do so.

Thanks to the following people for giving us stuff to talk about:
Becca @ Becoming Adorrable
Lindsay @ The Wife in Training
Faith @ Cause You Gotta Have Faith
Kelley @ A Moyer Adventure
Allie @ Allieology
Melanie @ Ribbons and Rotor Blades
Lisette @ Northern Belle Diaries
Rachael @ The Rachael Way
Kelsey @ The Blonder Side of Life
And because I'm so classy I'll just tell you that after this video was finished I proceeded to fall down the stairs, puke up my guts, and punch Keith in the face.
Disclaimer: I am not engaged. The ring is fake and I had been wearing it as a joke earlier and forgot to take it off OOPS.

Chili's at home frozen dinners

Thank you to Bellisio Foods for sponsoring this post and keeping my meals tasty and bold!
I was compensated for this post, but all opinions are my own. This frozen dinner was truly delicious!

I am not a cook. Because I live alone I don't like to spend a lot of time cooking and making a mess. I'm usually looking for great frozen foods that I can heat up quickly, but I usually end up sacrificing flavor for convenience. Well, with Chili's at home meals I no longer have to make that sacrifice!

Located in the frozen dinner aisle, Chili's at home meals come in a variety of flavors that are easy to prepare without skimping on taste! In addition, you can purchase either a single serving meal, a multi-serving meal, or a family-sized meal, which makes it easy to plan a meal for just yourself or for your family and friends. I purchased the multi-serve meal in the chicken fajita rice flavor. It was delicious and I was able to save what I didn't eat so I can have an easy and delicious meal again later in the week! Plus, Chili's at home frozen dinners are super affordable and won't break the bank!

When I'm looking for meals to prepare for myself, the two most important factors for me are flavor and ease. Chili's at home frozen dinners are winners in both areas. All I did was pour the contents of a bag into a pan and heat it on the stove, stirring occasionally. When I was finished I had a fully cooked and colorful meal that left my taste buds begging for more!

Another thing I love is that there are so many different flavors to choose from. The one I want to get next is the bacon mac n' cheese. I mean, bacon, pasta, and cheese.... you can't go wrong! Did this post make you feel hungry? I HOPE SO BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU. If you click here you can see all the flavors Chili's makes and you can get a coupon so you can experience the taste explosion for yourself! What flavors are you excited to try?

Friday, August 22, 2014

A blonde tries to use an elliptical...


Last night I was looking at my legs and I saw a bruise on my left knee from when I fell down that mountain, a bruise on my left shin from when I got beaned by a softball on Monday night, that weird bug bite/rash thing on my right leg, and a couple of other bruises that are mysterious and I couldn't tell you where they came from. The bruise from softball is pretty bad, but the worst part is that it's really numb. Anyway, today I'm going to tell you the story of the worst bruise I've ever gotten. I think it's a pretty good story. 

Back in January of 2011 I was pretty into fitness. So into fitness that I even joined a gym. SO into fitness that sometimes I'd go to the gym twice in one day just to feel the burn and the sweat and also maybe because I'd heard that the gym is a great place to meet a man. I usually did my cardio on the treadmill because I could set it at a high incline and just walk and still feel like I was getting a good workout even if I wasn't because I was going like really slow. Sometimes I'd jog on the treadmill because I wanted to be "a runner." Whenever I saw pictures of people falling on treadmills I'd roll my eyes because I mean, how dumb do you have to be to fall off of a piece of gym equipment? Ugh. PEOPLE.

One evening I went to the gym around 7pm (because that's when Jeopardy! was on and I wanted to watch it while I worked out) and apparently e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. goes to the gym at that time because it was packed. There were 0 treadmills available, but there were a few elliptical machines, so I was like UGH FINE and I got a magazine and my headphones and set to work on the elliptical. I hate the elliptical because it's way too easy to half-ass it and not actually get a work out. That's probably mostly because of my inherent laziness though. So anyway, Jeopardy! was on a commercial and I was reading my magazine and both of my hands were on the magazine which left nothing to give me balance on the elliptical. Then I started going faster, and faster, and all of a sudden

That's not what happened. I've just been searching for a GIF of somebody falling off an elliptical and I can't fine one. What happened was I was going pretty fast and I wasn't using my hands and...I slipped. My left leg went in between the pedals and the pedals weren't about to be stopped by something as stupid as my leg, so they kept going and going and going like the freaking energizer bunny and my leg was just stuck there and nobody came to help me even though the gym was packed and there was a guy on an elliptical two machines away from me who I know saw me because we made eye contact. I finally got the machine to stop and I pulled my leg out and tried to compose myself and then got mad that nobody came to help the dumb blonde with her leg stuck in between the elliptical pedals.

I had to go up to the front desk and explain what happened and you guys I swear the girl was trying her hardest not to laugh because really who falls off an elliptical machine?

" fell off the elliptical? How did that even happen?"


They gave me ice and I went home and took this picture.

I sent a text to my nurse aunt who told me to RICE it (rest, ice, compression, elevation) and that my whole leg would probably bruise because of all the blood and gravity or something. I was like, "Yeah, ok. That's not going to happen."

Ha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa. Ha.

A few days later, my leg looked like this.

And then a few days later, it looked like this.

And then later is the best picture I have of it, which still doesn't even show the full amount of disgusting my leg was and I'm pissed because I had lots more gross pictures on my old Android but I took it out to the pool one day while I was sunbathing and my phone like, got cooked from the sun and it stopped working.

My entire leg was a bruise. It was bruised all the way around and down on my foot and I had a huge cankle and a lump where the elliptical pedals had pushed and shoved my leg so much that they deformed it and one of the girls I was nannying said, "Wow, you look like the guy in Beastley," and another girl said, "You're not going to get a boyfriend with a leg like THAT."

It's been 3 1/2 years and I still have that lump on my leg BTW.

I really wanted to go back to the gym and ask if they had any video of the incident on their security cameras but I chickened out and I'm really regretting that now because I think that could have been my ticket to getting made into a GIF.

So anyway that's the story of my worst bruise ever and this is also a PSA to be very careful if you ever use an elliptical. You don't even really have to be that careful, you mostly just have to keep at least one hand on the machine because it's embarrassing for somebody to say, "Why is your leg so lumpy?" and to have to reply with, "Oh... uhhh I fell off an elliptical 3 1/2 years ago," and for them to laugh at you because they think you must be joking.


Happy weekend Keith and I are vlogging tonight.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Fiddy fiddy fiddy

Allie told me I have to answer these 50 questions and at first I was like, "NO I DON'T WANT TO" but then I was like, "Actually I don't have a post planned for Wednesday yet sooo..." and here we are.

You know how I'm not above blatantly asking you to click things for me? Just click this link. And then this one. And that's all.

The other thing is that I had so much fun filming that vlog with Keith that I want to do it again. I've always loved watching vlogs where people answer questions, so if you want to give us something to talk about you can go ahead and ask something. Something like, "How come you haven't burned that jacket that Keith wore in the first vlog yet?" That would work.

SPEAKING OF QUESTIONS LET'S DO IT TO IT (what does that even mean).

1. What are you wearing? This. This picture is from a year and a half ago and it was when I thought I could be a fashion blogger and I probably totally missed my calling because I am rocking that tan cardigan like NOBODY'S BUSINESS.

2. Ever been in love? Yes. Especially with carbs.
3. Ever had a terrible breakup? Yes, but what you think is terrible when you're 17 isn't actually terrible when you look back on it at 26.
4. How tall are you? 5' 9" and the weather up here is fine thanks for asking.
5. How much do you weigh? Less than I did 4 months ago but more than I want to 4 months from now.
6. Any tattoos? No, but sometimes I draw a dainty heart on my wrist with a Sharpie so I can look like one of the tattooed girls on the internet.
7. Any piercings? I have 8 in my ears and I used to have my tongue and belly button pierced but I took those out because my rebellious days are o-v-e-r.
8. OTP (one true pair, favorite fictional couple)? Nathan and Haley from One Tree Hill and Adam and Kristina and Adam on Parenthood.

9. Favorite show? Scandal, Revenge, Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Parenthood, The Mindy Project, Parks and Rec, How I Met Your Mother, Friends, etc etc etc etc.
10. Favorite bands? I don't know. I saw Lady Antebellum in concert and they were amazing so I choose them.
11. Something you miss? Being able to get my tragus piercing out of my ear.
12. Favorite song? No.
13. How old are you? 26.
14. Zodiac sign? Gemini, which apparently means I'm two-faced. Which makes sense because sometimes I talk to myself on Twitter.
15. Quality you look for in a partner? Hmmmmmm. BUT THERE ARE SO MANY. Probably the most important thing is a good sense of humor. Like, Keith and I have fun and laugh even if we're watching the history channel (his choice not mine, I have way more interesting taste).
16. Favorite quote? "I love you Juliette, you're the best ever at anything you try."
17. Favorite actor? Christian Bale.
18. Favorite color? Pink, because I am a cliche.
19. Loud music or soft? Soft.
20. Where do you go when you're sad? I curl up in a ball in my bed and stare at the wall and hug Mr. Quackers.
21. How long does it take you to shower? Usually like 9 minutes.
22. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? Thirty minutes from the time I get out of bed to the time I walk out of the front door.
23. Ever been in a physical fight? Yeah last weekend when I punched Keith in the arm and left a bruise. He asked me to. It was fine.
24. Turn on? I like Lindsay's answer: "Three + glasses of wine."
25. Turn off? Food stuck in the teeth and/or a negative attitude.
26. The reason I started blogging? I first started when I was 17ish and Cristen got me into it. I started this blog because I was reading blogs all day long and I wanted to join in on the fun.
27. Fears? That when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night a snake will be in the toilet and he'll bite my arse.
28. Last thing that made you cry? When Keith's plane took off for Alaska on Saturday. Stupid.
29. Last time you said you loved someone? Yesterday, to my grandma. (Awwwwww)
30. Meaning behind the name of your blog? Whenever people meet me and hear my name they say, "Like Romeo and Juliet?" and I always say, "No, the other Juliette." and it confuses them and it's hilarious why aren't you laughing.
31. Last book you read? Uhhhhhhh... I think it was some David Baldacci book and it clearly made an impact on my life.
32. The book you're currently reading? Full Disclosure by Dee Henderson and if my brother hadn't made snarky comments in the margins I wouldn't be able to finish it because it's terrible.
33. Last show you watched? Parks and Rec.
34. Last person you talked to? Out loud? The cashier at Trader Joe's last night.
35. The relationship between you and the person you last texted? It was Keith. Have I mentioned Keith before?
36. Favorite food? Sandwiches.
37. Place you want to visit? EVERYWHERE ALL THE BLOGGING PEOPLE LIVE. LIKE YOU AND YOU AND YOU. Also the Tower of London to see the torture stuff.
38. Last place you were? The bathroom.
39. Do you have a crush? Geez could this get any more MySpace-y??
40. Last time you kissed someone? Saturday.
41. Last time you were insulted? Yesterday when my Grandma told me she's glad I'm dating Keith because was starting to get worried I'd "never find someone."
42. Favorite flavor of sweet? Well that just totally depends on my mood. Sometimes sour skittles, sometimes pretzel m&ms, sometimes hershey kisses melted in a bowl that I eat with a spoon, sometimes sour ropes, sometimes bubble gum.... this question just isn't fair.
43. What instruments do you play? The piano. I was going to be in a huge piano competition in high school but then I smashed my hand through a window and my dreamed were kicked to the curb.
44. Favorite piece of jewelry? My dainty gold bracelets ... I wear them like every single day.
45. Last sport you played? Softball on Monday night. I got beaned in the shin by the ball and I have a lovely bruise.
46. Last song you sang? "Bartender" by Lady Antebellum.
47. Favorite chat up line? I don't understand the question. Like pick up line? I hate them all.
48. Have you ever used it? Actually I have used pick up lines just to be a smartass.

49. Last time you hung out with anyone? Ummmmmmm I guess if we're being honest, it was yesterday with my grandma at lunch. I AM SO COOL.
50. Who should answer these questions next? Erryone. You and you and you.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

My first vlog

Do you remember when Lindsay, Allie, and Faith did that whole "Accent Vlog" linkup and I told you all the reasons why I couldn't do it? Guess what.... I DID IT. And I made Keith join me. I feel like I need to make excuses for this entire video because it makes me really uncomfortable to watch it back and I feel like my head looks giant and like I'm just SUPER annoying sooooo I'm really sorry.

But I mean, if you came over to my apartment at like midnight after I'd been drinking lots of wine and was really tired, this is what it would be like. Lots of giggling and some yelling.

I will absolutely apologize for Keith's outfit. He brought that jacket and hat specifically for all of you. He doesn't wear them in public.

I guess I'll just quit rambling so you can go ahead and watch. Or don't. Either/or. Also, I have no idea why I pronounced "aluminum" the way I did. Actually I do: wine.

OH and that flask Keith has? It's filled with butterscotch Schnapps and the stuff has been in there for MONTHS. Vom dot com.

Words we pronounced:
New Orleans

K that's all thanks for watching don't be mean.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Mostly food.

I like writing about my weekends so you'd better like reading about my weekends. First of all let me just say THANK YOU to all of you who showed such concern for my leg. It's much much better than it was on Friday morning. I had my nurse aunt take a look at it and at first she was like OMG GO TO THE ER LIKE RIGHT NOW and I was like nahhhhhh and then Saturday she was like, "Ok you're probably fine let's just keep it moist." She didn't actually say the word moist, I just put it here to get a reaction because most people hate that word. But now I'm keeping Neosporin on it and it's not hot or itchy anymore so I think the chances of it being a flesh eating bacteria or a botfly maggot are very very slim.

Ok so let's just talk about some things. On Friday I took a half day at work because Keith was coming into town and I wanted him to have lunch with me and my mom, sister, and niece. I didn't take any pictures but at one point I did just plop the baby on his lap to see how he reacted. He looked extremely uncomfortable and they both just kind of sat there and then she reached for a knife and he succeeded in taking it away from her and not dropping her. It was adorable.

Then I was able to talk him out of hiking in the middle of the night so we hiked in the afternoon instead. We went up the really really steep way because I wanted to impress him but after about 15 seconds of walking I had to stop because I was pretty sure I was dying. I got myself together and proceeded to stop about every 20 seconds because you guys it was SO STEEP. And then later we thought it would be fun to go off the trail even though there are a million signs saying "DO NOT GO OFF THE TRAIL" because 9 years ago a guy died by doing that. But we just blatantly ignored the warnings and climbed over bushes and rocks and stuff and then we got stuck and couldn't go any higher so we went down and I didn't take any pictures of that because I was too focused on not dying.

Then we made pizza.

Actually first we went shoe shopping. For Keith. Because he needed new shoes. We've gone shopping for him like four times and you wanna know how many times we've been shopping for me? That would be zero, which is fine with me because I don't really even like shopping.


We drank wine and beer (guess who drank which) and talked and ate pizza and you guys this pizza was AMAZING. I can't even tell you. I don't know how I succeeded in only eating a little bit of mine (because bread) but I controlled myself and I have like 70% of it left in the fridge and it's really hard not to eat it all.

So we ate pizza and drank the beer and wine and talked and didn't take pictures and then around midnight WE TOTALLY VLOGGED. And I'm going to try to post it tomorrow so you better come back. And then after we vlogged I let him read a little bit of my blog and I was really nervous but he said he really liked it so that's good. But I probably won't let him read it again unless I've had more wine.

I took Keith to the airport on Saturday to catch his flight to Alaska and um I cried twice which is stupid. First of all you should know that the airport in my town is TINY. Like, the check in, security place, and everything is in one room. It's so small. So we were sitting there waiting and then he had to go so we hugged and I just started crying and I couldn't stop and then I waited outside for his plane to take off and it was super hot and I was sweating (what's new) and when his plane went into the air I was just standing there feeling like super lonely and abandoned and I cried again. And then I left.

I made the cake and the icing again on Saturday but because it was really hot outside the icing kind of melted but it all ends up in the same place so I don't even care what it looked like.

We were celebrating my dad and aunt's birthdays and everybody was there but if we're being honest nobody cared whose birthday it was because we were all just obsessed with my niece. You guys, she's not even 11 months old and she's WALKING. By herself. She has exactly zero teeth but she can walk like nobody's business.

You guys this post is starting to feel really really long.

Sunday I was like really tired because after church I went to lunch with my parents and brothers and had a bacon avocado cheeseburger and I just knew I should probably work out because I did NOT have a healthy weekend but instead I just kind of laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Then I decided to go on a run so I ran a mile and a half WITHOUT STOPPING which is still a huge accomplishment.

Then I went to Trader Joe's and bought all fruit. See?

Then I got all artsy and took this picture of the pineapple. I don't even know why I bought the pineapple. I mean, I like pineapples but it just feels like it's going to be a lot of work to cut it and make it edible. Also after I Instagrammed this picture I realized that in my effort to get a cool plain background I got a little bit of my doorknob in the picture. And now I can't unsee it and a large part of me wants to delete this picture but I just can't. I feel like this could be a really good metaphor for LIFE like how you try to make everything seem great but sometimes there are little pieces that you try to hide that start to sneak onto your life stage and you can't help it and I'm going to stop rambling now because I need some coffee goodbye.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Dogs, wine, and injuries

Yesterday at work I got to hang out with a shitzoodle. I don't know if that's the technical term for a shih tzu/poodle but I think it's adorable and I make the rules or are you not aware of that? For a long time I was very adamant that I REALLY DON'T LIKE DOGS because they slobber and when I was 11 a Jack Russell Terrier chased me down a driveway and attacked the bell bottoms of my jeans (thank God skinny jeans weren't in style in 1999 because if they were I probably wouldn't have any ankles today) and then a Rottweiler attacked the Jack Russell and saved my life. BUT since dating Keith and his two dogs (you don't just date the guy, you date the dogs too) a fondness for furred canines has grown in my heart so yesterday when some people were going to lunch with my boss and they said, "Oh, do you think our dog is okay in the car for an hour?" I said, "YOU CAN'T LEAVE A DOG IN THE CAR I MEAN COME ON PEOPLE, BRING THAT DOG IN HERE AND I'LL WATCH HIM FOR YOU BECAUSE I'M SUCH A GREAT PERSON," and that's why I have a picture of me with a dog who sort of looks like he's being strangled and definitely looks like he wants to GTFO of my lap.

All of that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Oh so you know how yesterday I posted about pretentious things? Well, add me to the list because the person who went to ParEEEEE for the past few weeks had some Parisian wine from the region of Bordeaux (that still means nothing to me) and all of us in the office got to drink some Chanel wine. CHANEL. As in Coco. I mean, I don't really care about Chanel except that the perfume no. 5 reminds me of my grandma. Oh and then this person brought in a bottle that had been in the cellar for years and years and had sort of started to burst and had leaked and the wine was DEFINITELY bad. But this person poured us all a glass of the nasty rotten wine and yours truly didn't know that the nasty taste meant it was bad wine... I just thought, "Oh, maybe this is what really expensive wine is supposed to taste like," and that's why I'll be sticking to Trader Joe's Pinot Grigio from here until forever.

Ok so what I really want to discuss today is this affliction on my lower leg. I noticed a bug bite the other day, and then on Wednesday night it was a little redder, and then last night it was really red. Like, the redness is spread all the way to the back of my leg, and it's kind of swollen, and it's really hot. Not sexy hot, it's temperature hot. My extensive googling has led me to believe it's MRSA or cellulitis (not to be confused with cellulite, which I KNOW I have and I don't need Google to tell me that), both of which make me really nervous and both of which require a medical professional. So I called my medically professional aunt last night (she's a nurse) and she said I should see a doctor. THEN she texted me and said, "If I could I would take you to the ER right now," which made me a little bit nervous but I just shrugged my shoulders and continued reading my book for 11 seconds and then I went to sleep. So if you want to see some pictures then keep looking and give me your opinion. It's not THAT gross.

Thursday night.
Friday morning.
Thursday during my hike. The diseased leg is the one on your left. Can you tell that it's a little swollen? I can but I stare at my legs every day so if there's ANY small change I'm like "YOU ARE DIFFERENT WHAT IS WRONG." Also I feel like my body is a mess because my right leg has all of that going on, and my left knee is scabbed and bruised, my left foot is bruised from being hit by a softball, and my left elbow is all scraped up. Super cute.

If you made it to the bottom of this post then I thank you very much and now I'm going to blatantly ask you for more favors. I've been writing some sponsored posts lately and these sponsored posts are worthless unless the links in the posts are clicked. Since I'm not above flat out asking for things, I'm going to ask you to go to this post and this post and click the links you see there. If you don't we can still be friends, like I've said before, but if you do I really appreciate it. I hope you're not annoyed by me asking you to do this. I'm trying to be as up front about it as I can be so you don't feel duped. But like I said, you can just ignore this and not do anything and I'll still like you.

ONE LAST THING. Keith will be at my house tonight and he wants to go on a hike up a rocky mountain (the one I tripped down) in the MIDDLE of the night tonight. I think he might be trying to kill me.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Sit your pretentious butt down

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a person in my office who(m?) recently returned from a trip to Paris, and is convinced he now knows everything there is to know about Paris, wine, and the region of Bordeaux. Now that he's back he also insists on calling it "ParEEEEE" and saying "Bonjour!" every morning. However, today I had to explain to him the difference between a macaron and a macaroon and I think that took his level of cockiness down a bit. Maybe. The following conversation was had (thankfully after I had already had my minimum two mugsfull of coffee):

Person: I'm going wine tasting on Sunday.
Me: That's nice.
Person: I'm a little nervous about it.
Me: That's a bummer.
Person: It's just that I drank so much French wine that now I don't think I'll enjoy wine tasting in The States.
Me: That might be the most pretentious statement I've ever heard you say.
Person: [laughs] It's true! I think I'm ruined from American wine. I want a Bordeaux.
Me: Oh I feel so sorry for you, having to drink stupid American wine alongside your caviar and foie gras that your butler serves to you on a golden platter.
Person: I actually smuggled some foie gras back from ParEEEE and have some at my house right now.
Me: [barfing noises] [and also multiple eye rolls]

He then sat there awkwardly for a few minutes while I tried to give him subtle hints that he needed to leave my part of the office, and then I got to thinking about other things I think are pretentious. And guess what? NOW I GET TO WRITE OUT ANOTHER LIST AND PUT IT ON THE INTERWEBS FOR YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME. I'M SO KIND AND GENEROUS.
+ Kanye West.

+ Only drinking one specific type of wine or specific label or something very specific. IT'S WINE. YOU DRINK THE WINE. 
+ "I'm gluten-free." Unless a doctor told you you should stop eating gluten for legitimate health reasons, you are just a bandwagon dieter and whatever because more wheat for me.
+ Using the word "summer" as a verb. Get out of my face.
+ Wearing non-prescription glasses and constantly quoting philosophers.

+ Name-dropping.

+ Hating anything popular. Music, television, books... I mean seriously, do not tell me you hate Breaking Bad or The Hunger Games or Game of Thrones or Orange is the New Black... because it makes me want to punch you and you are a liar and you are not above me.

+ Saying anybody who has seen the Harry Potter movies but not read the books isn't a real Harry Potter fan. COMPLETELY TRUE but pretentious nonetheless.

+ Exclusively eating raw food. YOU ARE NOT A RABBIT.

+ Scott Disick.

+ Using a big word and patting people on the head in condescension when they don't know what that word means. Ex: "Axiomatic."

+ Owning a boat.

+ Reminding everyone you own a boat.

+ Have a Roman numeral in your name.

+ Constantly talk about how things are done differently in other countries. "Well, you know, in BELGIUM they make their waffles this way." "In FRANCE they wouldn't dare dip their fries in ketchup." "Nobody would DARE tip a waiter or waitress in ParEEEEE."

That's all I can think of because I'm tired. This is also not meant to be taken seriously. It's a joke. If you're offended it's probably because you're pretentious and you do some of things. (The Harry Potter one is excusable.)

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Lists are easy. What/When?

I wasn't sure about what to post today, but then Allie borrowed this idea from Kalyn and I figured they probably wouldn't mind if I joined in on the fun too. Right? Sweet. Cool. Thanks.

What/when was the last...

...recipe I made? Grandma's seven minute icing. I'm making it again on Saturday and have to try and control my taste testing because this stuff is pure refined sugar and corn syrup, two of the best and worst things ever.

...good decision I made? Probably to not run after my hike yesterday. Lately I've been really enjoying lightly jogging (slow like a sloth, fo' real) after I hike, but yesterday I could tell my body was begging me to just calm down and eat dinner instead of doing anymore physical activity. place I went? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I guess to a Dodgers game? I don't know. I don't go very many cool places. Although I did go to Target last night and that was pretty cool. I watched? Parks and Recreation, on the recommendation of Lindsay and Lauren, who know their TV and definitely steered me in the right direction with this show.

...awesome thing that happened? Why are these questions so hard? Cool places, awesome things, and I'm having trouble thinking of answers... I guess maybe I need to go on more adventures and have a more blog-worthy life. Oh, ok I was going through my closet trying to see what clothes fit me and what clothes I need to get rid of, and I couldn't find a dress I bought a few years ago, so I looked for it at my parents house. The first awesome thing that happened was that I found it, and the second awesome thing was that IT FIT. I was legitimately worried. Sorry about the quality of the picture. This was from 2011 when camera phones were way more remedial than they are now.

...thing I bought for myself? Food. Lean Cuisines at Target last night. After I finished eating mine, I licked the container clean. Don't even act like you never lick your dishes. Liar.

...good photo of me? Definitely this one of me and my niece.

...bad decision I made? Eating four pieces of bread and like 17 pounds of tri tip on Sunday. I'm STILL working that meal off.

...time I was really excited? Probably on Sunday, to eat that cake. Oh and I should say I'm excited now to see Keith on Friday but like, that's still two whole days away and being all excited is just going to make the time go by SO SLOWLY. So, cake it is.

...time I had a free weekend? This past weekend. Mostly. Except for Sunday. I don't work weekends but between family commitments and weekends with Keith (hashtag long distance is inconvenient and I hate it) my weekends where I'm totally free aren't all that common.

Okay the end goodbye.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Grandma's seven minute icing

Hey guys, Juliette Crocker here to share the recipe for the most delicious icing you will ever eat in your entire life. If you like sugar and corn syrup you've come to the right place because those two ingredients make up the majority of what you'll be putting in your mouth hole if you make this icing, which you had better do because have I mentioned how amazing it is? My Grandma has been making this icing for as long as I can remember. Then, when she got to be too old to do it, my aunt started doing it, then my older sister. Once my older sister had a baby she became too "busy" to be bothered by such trivial things as making icing, so it fell to me. And now, I'm the MASTER OF THE ICING. And as the Master of the Icing, I need to inform you that this is icing, not frosting. What's the difference? Nothing except the way they sound. I feel like icing sounds more decadent. Like, before Kate Middleton married Prince William she ate frosting, but now all she eats is icing (which is a lie because in reality she probably eats neither). Ok, let's get this party started. I apologize in advance for the horrible pictures. It's really hard to pour and mix and click at the same time. And by hard I mean impossible. You will need a double boiler to make this icing. I got mine for either my birthday or Christmas when I also received potholders and a vegetable steamer. I think that was when I felt the most like an adult. If you don't have a double boiler, the internet has lots of ways to make your own, but I've never tried any of them so do it at your own risk.
What you need:
2 egg whites
1 cup of sugar
1/3 cup of Karo corn syrup (make sure you fill it to the top, maybe a little over the top if you're feeling generous)
2 TBSP water
1/4 tsp cream of tarter
1 tsp vanilla
You can use any kind of cake mix you want, but if you want to do it the right way, you need a box of Betty Crocker French Vanilla cake mix. Get the kind that says "WE ADDED PUDDING!" on the box because I swear it's the best. And use sunflower seed oil instead of vegetable oil. Ever since I've been doing that my family has been commenting on how moist (sorry if you hate that word but it's accurate) the cake is, even if I've left it sitting out all night before I make the icing.
I used three 6" cake pans for the cake over the weekend, and since they all rose perfectly and had rounded tops, I had to slice the tops off of two of them so the cake would stack evenly. And then I had to eat the tops of the cake, obviously.
Another tip: Once you've filled the pans, bang them on the counter to make sure you get all the bubbles out. Just don't go crazy because you don't want to get cake batter everywhere.

Step One: Prepare your ingredients

I get everything ready while the water in the double boiler is heating. Once you've started mixing things you can't stop mixing or you risk burning the icing, so it's best to have it all ready to go at once. DO NOT ADD THE VANILLA YET. I mix the two egg whites, water, and corn syrup in one bowl, and the sugar and cream of tartar in another. You should know that I'm exceptional at separating egg whites from the yolk. There's some cool way to do it with a water bottle but I feel more badass when I do it with just my two hands. Ok, so you have everything ready and it should look like this. Also, take the top off the vanilla extract. You can either add an actual teaspoon or you can just add a few drops straight from the bottle, it's up to you.

Step Two: Set the timer for seven minutes and start mixing.

Your water should be boiling, and once you pour everything in you just start mixing. Mix on at least medium speed. I usually vary between medium and high because I'm indecisive. When you first start it will look like discolored milk, kind of.

Step Three: Keep mixing and call yourself Sir Mixx A Lot if you're feeling corny.

Step Four: Kind of guesstimate. And add the vanilla extract when you have one minute left on the timer.

USUALLY after 7 minutes the icing is done. You'll know it's done when you take the beaters out and it's kind of stiff. Like, it forms peaks that hold their shapes. Once it's done, TAKE THE POT WITH THE ICING IN IT OFF OF THE BURNER. If you don't, it will keep cooking and your icing will be lumpy. Make sure you taste it, but be careful because it's hot. You can start icing your cake right away. I like to put gobs and gobs of icing in between each layer of cake, which caused my cake on Saturday to need to be held in place with wooden skewers and even then it was sliding like the cake in Sleeping Beauty.

You should definitely put colored sprinkles on top to add some color. I usually do pink sprinkles but my aunt likes red more than pink and it was her birthday so I sacrificed my own desire for what I thought she would like.

Things you should know:

This icing is STICKY. Really sticky. So try not to get it everywhere. And if you get it on your clothes, wash it off immediately.

Don't eat too much plain icing or you will get sick. It will be delicious, but you will get sick.

This icing is not healthy in any way, shape, or form. IT IS CORN SYRUP AND REFINED SUGAR.

It's better to cook it too long than not long enough. If you don't cook it long enough, it will melt and you'll have icing everywhere. If you cook it too long it will be a little lumpy but it will still taste great.

This stuff is basically crack.