Once, I had a dream, a dream of living alone. And in this dream I was very very skinny and I would come home from work and put on my perfectly stylish yet extremely comfortable loungewear and pour myself a glass of red wine and curl up on my overstuffed sofa with a cashmere blanket and either read a thought provoking book like, I don't know, War and Peace, or I would watch a TV show that would not rot my brain. And I would make a lovely dinner for myself and it would be healthy and I would go to bed at a very reasonable hour, and then the next morning I would wake up with the sun and go for a workout and I would be smiling the whole time. And birds would be chirping and I wouldn't want to shoot them with a BB gun.
Oh and my teeth were white even though in this fantasy I drank all the red wine and coffee.
But, is life a fantasy? I asked Jordan Belfort and he was a dick about it and said:
Except for one part of that fantasy is like, super true and super exciting: I live alone. And even though it's not exactly how I pictured it, I still love it. Well, most of it.
Like, on Monday night I baked cupcakes and I left all the dishes out overnight and all day Tuesday because I knew they wouldn't be in anybody's way so I didn't feel bad for being a slob.
I can also go to the bathroom without having to close the door. (Oh wait, I did that even before Jacey left.)
If I want to watch all three Lord of the Rings movies in one night, I can do it and I don't have to worry about anybody but Twitter judging me or asking if we can maybe watch ANYTHING else, like maybe Bridesmaids or When Harry Met Sally.
It won't bother anybody if I leave my hair all over the shower walls. Not that I'll do that, because it kind of grosses me out, but it's nice to know that if I did it wouldn't piss anybody off. Also now when I go to clean out the shower drain I know it's all my hair that I'm pulling out and I don't have to worry about there being mystery hair in the drain. Hollaaaaaa.
I can eat ice cream out of the carton without judgment or worry that somebody else has already done that and I'm ingesting his or her germs.
I can go to bed at 9pm and not have to worry about getting woken up by somebody coming home at 930 or 10. I mean I know this doesn't bother like 98% of the population but I am the pickiest sleeper ever and it's annoying. I really should invest in earplugs again.
So like, all those things are super cool and stuff, but did you know that living alone is also kind of hard?
I have to buy all the toilet paper and paper towels myself. Like right now I'm on my last roll of paper towels and I really have to remember to get more today or else I'm going to be pretty sad when I run out. Same with toilet paper. You do NOT want to put yourself in a situation where you desperately need a significant amount of toilet paper but you can't yell downstairs to your roommate to go bring you some from the downstairs bathroom. It just wouldn't be pretty.
I only have one closet now because Jacey decided she actually needs her clothes this summer. SELFISH.
If I decide to drink in the evenings after work I sometimes feel bad, because does it make you an alcoholic if you're drinking alone? I'd like to think no.
The fridge is nearly empty. There's half a bottle of champagne, some grapefruit juice, a Brita pitcher, and some eggs in there. Oh and 3 bell peppers but they might be really old and questionable. Who knows? Oh and there's also a container of rainbow chip frosting.
I have to remember to refill the ice cube trays. I suck at making ice cubes. My ice never comes out in one piece, it's always in stupid broken chunks and it's ugly and I hate it.
Sometimes I can't remember if I turned off my hair straightener or curling iron, and now that I live alone I can't just rely on my roommate to go check for me. I have to physically go and check to see if I almost burned the house down.
I think that's all. If you need me I'll be watching Harry Potter movies and drinking mimosas.