Thursday, September 5, 2013

I probably won't get mugged, BUT...

     For the past several months I've been apartment hunting on Craigslist because it's time for me to move. Uh, you guys? Apartment hunting SUCKS. Especially because I live in a college town and OH HEY school is starting this month so everyone is looking for studio/1 bedroom apartments and they're getting snatched up more quickly than free Botox in Beverly Hills. It's a little disappointing that none of the listings I can afford look like this...

...but instead look more like this.
Seriously. Guys, it's an RV listed as a "studio."

     Yep. But that's not the point. The point is that my dad keeps going on and on and on about how unsafe it'll be for me to live on my own. UGH come on Dad (insert rolling eyes here). So I just Googled the crime rate in my city and it turns out I have a 1 in 21 chance of being the victim of a violent or property crime. I'm no math expert but I'm pretty sure that's a little less than 5%, right? That's gotta be pretty low, right?Well, apparently my city's crime rate is 93% higher than a lot of cities in California but I'm going to pretend I didn't read that because ignorance really was bliss in this situation.

     Anyway, Dad (who doesn't and never will read this), I came up with a list of things that are more likely to happen to me than getting mugged or burgled. And if you're a creep reading this and you're planning on breaking into my apartment you should know that not only do I have exactly zero valuable items but I also plan on getting a really huge vicious dog and having pepper spray on my person at all times so don't even bother.

1) I'll have to spend all my money on rent and utilities and not be able to afford food so I'll have to start going on dates just to get dinner, and I'll have to order really big meals so I have lots of leftovers. Genius plan.

2) I'll forget where I live and get lost on the way to my house and waste so much gas and that will have a direct correlation to #1.

3) I'll buy canned food only to realize that I don't own a can opener and I'll try to open the can using a knife and probably sever another tendon.

4) I'll get so used to peeing with the door open that when I'm in public I'll forget that some people don't want a show.

5) I'll forget to close a window at night and a raccoon will find his way into my bed.

6) The landlords will hate me because I'll have to keep calling them to fix things since I am not a repairman. Toilet, sink, shower, window, lock, door handle, open a jar of marshmallow fluff, etc.

7) I'll wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and I'll forget where I am and I'll run into the doors and walls and get black eyes and my dad will think I actually got mugged.

The End.
PS who wants to pay my rent for me?
 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png


  1. Lol. My fiance and I are going through the same thing, apartment hunting and it's the WORST. The ads either show the place as a total dump or a palace and either way it's a lie. Ugh. Safety is a big thing for us too but I told him as long as we find a place either busy enough for people to hear me scream or safe enough for me not to have to worry about it, we should be fine. Lol Good luck on your hunt!

  2. So frustrating! I'm looking for a new spot and I hate that to live somewhere nice I need roommates. To live alone means be in a sketchy area ha. Why is rent so expensive?! (I keep reminding myself I'm paying less than I did living in California but it's still annoying)

  3. I couldn't help but laugh at your list! Good luck finding an apartment though! It's frustrating trying to find a nice place. The few times we have looked for places to rent I always look at the fancy places out of my price range then have temper tantrums because I can't afford it ha ha.

  4. When I first moved to Columbia #2 on your list really did happen to me, I got lost coming home from the store! Then a week later I had a breakdown because I couldn't tell the pizza delivery guy what neighborhood I lived in!

  5. Lemme just tell you, I live alone and it's blissful. But probably get a dog because they keep you from hearing scary noises. Good luck on the date thing.. I still have to pay for my own dinner soooo ya. But I do get lost on the regs.

  6. Oh my gosh moving is the worst! I just (finally) finished my apartment hunt and I am moving into my new apartment today. I like it but, you're right, rent is just ridiculous in the city. You have to be a millionaire to get a place that doesn't look like it belongs in some seventies trailer. Ew.

  7. apartment hunting is terrible but I really loved living by myself. I can dance whenever I want! no one judges me! judge-free zone dance party for one!

  8. Living on your own is the tits. I mean you can do whatever the hell you want 100% of the time. If you wanna walk around butt ass naked, go right ahead. If you want to eat cookies for dinner, 3 times in one week - that's fine too. And you NEVER have to share the remote. I say this all as I'm moving back home with my parents. cool.

    Oh but #3, a wine bottle opener works just as good.

  9. You're telling me... when I was looking for my old apartment, I had the hardest time and anything on the "good side" of town was insanely expensive. And I definitely did the thing where I woke up and didn't know where I was a few times, except without the running in to doors part. Well, not too often anyway.

  10. #5 happened to me 2 nights in a row. It was 4am, I panicked and called 911. I had the sucker cornered but he climbed up my curtains and busted through the screen, breaking the screen might I add.

  11. #3...victim. Also trying to open a bottle of wine with a knife. I loved my apartment more than anything though. All by myself.

    Also, think of the RV as your chance to travel more...? No? Fine.

  12. DYING at that last gif.
    And I hear ya. I'm in freaking suburgatory and want to move so bad. But #helpmeI'mpoor and don't want a double wide. wah wah.
    My mom is so paranoid too. I leave a window open and she's all "WE COULD'VE BEEN MURDERED!" sure mom. sure.

  13. we have a spare room.
    you can move in. i'll charge you $5 but you'll be responsible for all the booze buying.

  14. just come live with me. that would really just be best for everyone, cause we both know I'm awesome.

  15. Haha! Your reasons for not getting mugged are absolutely AWESOME! Especially the opening the can reason! So terrific :)
    Good luck with your new place!!

  16. Had a huge laugh at that list. But as you said, if you're armed and dangerous, you're less likely to get mugged. Anyway, it's great that you did some research though. Other than budget and space, security is really something to consider. And don't worry about bothering the landlord. As long as it's reasonable, it's part of their job to deal with it.