I really wanted to title this "Domestic AF" but I have a hard time using "AF" because I don't love the "F" word and I don't really want it on my blog. So you got what you got instead. Classy af.
I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but on Monday night I spent three hours making a pie that had rum in it and it involved cooking things on the stove and I did NOT burn the house down and as of 11pm Monday night the pie was still the gelatinous blob it was always meant to be. AND I shaved chocolate very finely and didn't slice off ANY of my fingers. Here is my black bottom pie:
I know I know I know, it doesn't really look like anything except foggy snot but I am extremely proud of this stupidly difficult stupid pie. Let me explain how this all happened:
Last week my manager asked me, "Do you want to make the dessert for Bev's birthday next week?" And I was like "Yes!" (Because I am stupid and an over achiever and a people pleaser and also I didn't think Bev would ask for something that involved words like "use your Kitchen Aid mixer" and "candy thermometer" and "ice water bath" but apparently what do I know) and then my manager said, "OK! Great! She wants a black bottom pie."
And I was like WUT.
I used this recipe from Martha Stewart because how difficult could it be, right? Martha Stewart is known for making things easy and fun, right? WRONG. Martha Stewart is a life ruiner who ruins peoples' lives. Martha Stewart is the Regina George of the cooking world. Martha Stewart didn't go to prison for insider trading; she went to prison for lying about how easy it is to beat your egg whites into gentle peaks.
You can see more on my Snapchat (@ notthatjuliet but only for a few more hours! Hurry! Go now!) but basically I felt like the whole thing was a trap to see if by the end of the recipe I dumped more than the allotted 2 tablespoons of light rum into the pie. (I stuck with the two tablespoons. Nobody needs to know what happened with the rest of the bottle *Gulp*)
By the way, I had no idea what "light rum" was. I had to google it while I was in the grocery store and then I felt stupid for not being able to figure out that they meant "light in color" not like, "light in calories." Anyway. I digress a mundo in this post apparently.
I thought I was doing great by reading the recipe ahead of time and getting everything prepared in little bowls so while I was mixing one thing I could melt another and so on and so forth. Toward the end of the recipe I realized that Martha had clearly told me I needed two things: a Kitchen Aid mixer and a candy thermometer. I glossed over both of those things. I did survive without the mixer (I used a stupid hand mixer that peasants use) and I just eyeballed making the syrup... and I think I burned it. But now it's a pretty bronze color so who's the real MVP?
So anyway, I'll let you know tomorrow if Bev actually likes the pie or if I'm fired. Either one is possible.
ALSO in other non-Martha news: we got our tree and I am SO happy with how the decorations turned out!!! I basically threw everything I owned on that tree. Lights, candy canes, balls, sentimental ornaments, bows, a stormtrooper ornament, beads, gold sparkly ribbon... and oh my gosh. You guys. I can't handle it.
And that's all for now because it's basically midnight and I have sleeping to do and I'm not going to go back and re read and edit this post so don't judge me too harshly. A little harshly is fine, I can take it. Just not TOO harshly.