Monday, June 6, 2016

So, when are you going to have a baby?

For me, the first time it happened was less than 24 hours after Keith proposed. I've heard it inevitably happens sooner or later, but never not at all. It always happens, because people just can't help it. The hard part is knowing what to say.


"So, when are you going to have a baby?"

People excitedly and inevitably as this, and they will ask this until you're pregnant. And then, they'll ask you about a second. And a third. And if you're going to go back to work, or cloth diaper, or homeschool, or every other question on the planet until they're blue in the face.

At first, I'd be excited to talk about it and discuss the future, even with strangers. It wasn't a big deal to me. But after a while I just started giving a standard answer: "Oh, we're going to wait a few years. We want to travel first and just enjoy each other." That's usually met with a nod of understanding and a quip about how "it's so good to wait and really get to know each other." And I'm not lying when I say we want to wait so we can travel; that's really true. We have travel plans, and we have other reasons for wanting to wait a few years.

Of course, I've had a few people tell me about their second cousin's neighbor who waited about 5 minutes before having kids and now they've been married for eleventy-seven years and have thirty-twelve children/grandchildren/great-grandchildren and they couldn't imagine life to be any different. And I'm not lying when I say we want to wait so we can travel; that's really true. We have travel plans, and we have other re

Good for them, I think, but I don't say it. I just nod and smile and change the subject, because there's no point in continuing the conversation. People really just want to hear your answer so they can't say what they've been thinking about. It really doesn't bother me much when people ask about babies. I know it's just normal and nobody is trying to be insensitive or lessen my value as a woman byt reminding me that I don't have any kids and by the way your life means nothing until your uterus pops out a tiny human. 

No, they don't mean it like that.


For as long as I can remember, I've wanted children. I never wanted to have a career outside of the home, and that's part of the reason why I didn't really mind leaving my job and moving 229 miles away to be near Keith. We had a plan, and we still have a plan, and it just involves time and patience [for me].

We both want kids and we know that in the future we will have them. I mean hello, we (I) bought a high chair a few weeks ago! But we're not naive enough to believe that life will go exactly according to plan. Obviously there's truth to the phrase, "Write your plans in pencil." I know that in a few years when we decide we're as ready as we'll ever be, there could be problems. That's just life. And I have to accept it.


So for now, I'm praying for peace, contentment, and patience. Even though I desperately want to be a mother, I don't want that to be where I find my joy or my worth. I don't want to be constantly thinking about "a few years from now" when our family grows by something other than four legged animals. I don't want to wish away the now, because I know when the future I've wished for gets here, I'll get nostalgic about what has passed.

So, if you ask me about babies, now you know what I'm really thinking when I say, "In a few years. We want to travel first."

14 comments:

  1. Beautifully written post. You're such a good writer! :) I relate to this on a different level because I'm single (and, I can admit to you that I don't really want to be, but I've accepted it) and think about my future husband and kids a lot. People ask when I'm going to meet someone and I just smile and say when the time is right because, well, how am I supposed to know?

    So yeah. <3

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  2. Good for you guys! I've been 27, and I have yet to be in a serious relationship, and people STILL ask me when I think I'll have kids.. Truth is, no one really knows. If you're doin the deed, there's always a chance. ;) But seriously, good for you guys for wanting time for yourselves & to travel. My parents waited three years, which isn't much, but they tell me they LOVED those three years on their own.

    I can't wait to see where your travels bring you, and when the time is right, I'll be excited when you have babies, too. :)

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  3. I feel like it just goes from "when are you getting engaged?" To "how's the wedding planning going? Are you almost done?" to "how's married life?" to the baby question. It never ends, and when you are pregnant people ask you every five seconds how you are feeling. It does bother me when people ask because like you said you never know what's going to happen. It took us five months to get pregnant (which I realize is nothing compared to so many people) but every time someone would ask me during that time it was so hard, and I would literally use the same travel line. Funny thing is when I told my parents my mom was so surprised because she said she thought we weren't done traveling 😉.

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  4. I'm glad that you have the forethought to know that it may not be easy when you do decide. I waited until til I was able to convince my husband to start trying and while we fell pregnant quickly we lost the baby. Hopefully I'll be pregnant before the end of the year.

    The questions you talk about are insensitive because of situations like mine. I haven't been asked that since my miscarriage but I know that my response will be completely honest when they ask, and we shall see how they respond to my answer.

    Anyway, travel the world and enjoy being newlyweds!!!

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  5. I'm glad that you have the forethought to know that it may not be easy when you do decide. I waited until til I was able to convince my husband to start trying and while we fell pregnant quickly we lost the baby. Hopefully I'll be pregnant before the end of the year.

    The questions you talk about are insensitive because of situations like mine. I haven't been asked that since my miscarriage but I know that my response will be completely honest when they ask, and we shall see how they respond to my answer.

    Anyway, travel the world and enjoy being newlyweds!!!

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  6. Girl, I feel ya! I want babies SO bad, like right now! But my husband and I have a plan to save a little money, go on a big last hurrah trip and then maybe start actually thinking about making a kid. But when somebody asks, I feel my blood boil. Our plan is nobody else's freaking business, even our mothers and crazy coworkers. I tell myself when we do have children I'll try to be more sensitive to the childless couples and not be nosy because you never know what another person is struggling with!

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  7. The first time someone asked about me having a second child Quinn was three months old and fussing. I SNAPPED at the guy, who is someone I actually really like and respect, but dude. What I'm doing with my uterus is nobody's business but me, my husband, and my OBGYN.

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  8. Yes, this is so perfectly said! I just got married in April and feel like this is asked constantly, but I do really want some time to just get to know each other and take trips and such. Thanks for stating it so well!

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  9. People are just so funny and really think it is their business. I only asked so i could figure how many future wine nights we would have... Which I think is a grand total of three in a year!

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  10. I can totally relate, being engaged everyone has mentioned it somewhere along the way. I know they are all just asking to ask and not be insensitive and I totally can't wait to be a mother, but am with you on wanting to wait a few years and travel first :)!

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  11. girl, yes. sometimes i wonder if when people asked it would make me ALL THE MORE impatient for "the time" to arrive. like, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME HOW MUCH I WANT A BABY BECAUSE I HAD JUST GOT OVER THAT BABY FEVER THAT LAST A MONTH. but then, Jason was a genius and bought me a needy puppy that cried through the night for three weeks and suddenly babies seemed like THE MOST RIDICULOUS idea known to man. ANYWAYS, people stop asking after a certain point... I think partly because they've realized there are so many other fun things to talk about (like traveling) and partly because they're worried you don't know that making babies involves sexy time or something because it's taking you SO LONG to get on the bandwagon.

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  12. Hey, just be glad they don't start rambling about what age your eggs start dying (yes, that happened). I think it's a pretty normal question to ask... First comes love, marriage, baby in the carriage and all that. It just kind of sucks that sometimes the answer is actually "WELL I WANT TO BUT MY BODY IS TOTALLY FAILING ME." Things definitely do not always go according to plan, but a lot of times, they turn out way better.

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  13. That's what I say, too. Even though I don't really know what the answer is. I feel like it's almost impossible to really plan.

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