Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Dogs are the worst

Clementine and Nostril.
I did not name either of them.
When I married Keith, I also married his dogs. I've never been a dog person but his dogs were pretty cute and when I watched him with them I kept picturing him with babies instead, so I tolerated them pretty well. I would even venture so far as to say that I love them. But just because I love them doesn't mean they don't annoy the crap out of me on a daily basis. Want to know why? Thought so.

They are the biggest pains to share a bed with. Did you know that when a golden retriever sleeps on her side and stretches her feet out she can take up nearly an entire queen sized be? I've almost gotten pushed off by her on multiple occasions. And when I tell her to "GET OFF THE BED NOSTRIL!" she completely ignores me. But when Keith simply says, "Nostril, off," she hops right off like it's no thang. And when Clementine sleeps she frequently dreams about being active (chasing rabbits? cornering raccoons? fighting a dragon?) and she runs. when her feet are on my back. And then when I try to wake her up so she'll stop being the most annoying thing on the planet she just gives me this pathetic whimper/whine and continues her shenanigans.

Also, Clementine likes to sleep like a person, with her head on the pillows and her body under the blankets. It's not adorable at all.

They look at me like this 90% of the time.

They like to lick. FACES.

Nostril almost kills me on a daily basis. We have a lot of stairs in our home and she likes to walk right in front of me and just STOP when I'm in the middle of walking up or down (which is hard enough by itself). Or she'll just try to weave in between my legs when I'm walking ... it's like she's a cat but with a lot less condescension and resentment. I keep telling her that a 60 lb animal is not made for weaving in between feet but she doesn't listen because I think she literally wants me to trip and fall to my death so she can have Keith all to herself.

They're obsessed with Keith and the literally walk all over me. Both of them routinely crawl over my head to get to Keith and I have had their butts in my face too many times to count. Do you know what it's like to have a gigantic golden retriever crawl on top of your face to get to your husband? It's like being suffocated and stabbed at the same time. And she thinks she's really dainty but she's just a lumbering fool so it's sometimes hard to be mad at her when she looks like such a buffoon, which is even more annoying.

They smell. Actually, Nostril doesn't smell bad. Clementine, on the other hand, smells like a garbage factory. According to Becca is's a "musky scent that requires weekly baths" but in my opinion it's plain old high maintenance.

They lick their butts. Like, way too often for me to be comfortable with it.

I can't wait to get a cat who will hide behind corners and jump out and terrorize them the way they've been terrorizing me all this time.




  1. So I've always liked dogs, but I was never like that animal lover who would adopt 15 dogs if they could. Well then we adopted Daisy and I SO could not imagine life without her. I feel the same about her and Sean as you do about Keith and his dogs... well at least the baby party. He tells her she's pretty and holds her like a baby and if I ever sneak into the house to find them napping and snuggling together - I JUST DIE.

    However, she is a bed hog and somehow only hogs my side of the bed. Last night, I felt her lay in between my legs and when I moved - she huffed at me... SASS

  2. Oh and can you tell me why Keith named his dog Nostril? I don't see any extra large nostrils or anything?

  3. This is kind of how I feel about Tim's cats because I'm allergic to them and they get "hairballs" (they puke) and meow at me all day and then rub their furry poisonous bodies all over my pants. Anyway, seriously, pick up some deodorizing (specifically) shampoo for Clementine. Since I assume she's not literally rolling in dirt whenever she wants like Tinkerbell, you might be able to do a bath every 2-4 weeks and keep her smelly okay-ish. We don't let any animals on our bed anymore (except Tres, because if you piss him off he retaliates by not coming home for an entire week and making us both cry) so we don't have any dog legs kicking us in the back... Just each other's.

  4. I like dogs. And I like my roommate's dogs. But I'm definitely more of a cat person.

  5. I'm definitely a dog person--I just love them all. but this is hilarious. I especially love the picture of Nostril glaring at you.

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