Monday, February 1, 2016

How my husband's bachelor pad almost killed me

Lately I've been on a cleaning kick. This has happened because when Keith and I got married I moved into the house he'd lived in alone for the past 4 years and "bachelor pad" doesn't even begin to describe it. I'm talking skulls and football helmets on the mantel, a deer head on the floor, Star Wars and James Bond posters on the walls, a ping pong table in the dining room, and more. Our home is the exact opposite of "Pinterest perfect" and it's so manified that I'm embarrassed to invite people over.

Want to see some pictures? Ok let's take a tour inside of my lovely Pinterest-y home.

If you need to use the restroom when you visit this is what you'll get. The "Sexy Cats" book is my addition.

This is the mantel. The fireplace doesn't work because of something to do with the floo and being dirty, idk. We basically have "his" and "hers" sections of the fireplace and I think it's working really well for us, wouldn't you agree?

When you first walk into the house, this is the sight which will assault your eyeballs. Super feminine. I've since changed this part by alphabetizing all of the DVDs. The section looks the same but I feel better about it.

All those nooks and crannies are perfect places for dust and cobwebs to collect. Krista told me it's because there are just a lot of spiders in the mountains, and that's annoying. I've been vacuuming like a crazy lady lately because if I can't change the house [yet] at least I can change the amount of spiders in it!


The other night, at about 10:30pm, I was vacuuming in our bedroom right next to the bed. I was just minding my own business and being a clean person when I moved my pillows slightly and GOT ATTACKED. I've always been afraid of being attacked in my home (I blame the scary movies we watch) and this night IT HAPPENED. I moved the pillow and out jumped a spider the size of MY SHOE.

My Barbie's shoe, but still, MY SHOE.

I screamed bloody murder and immediately vacuumed that sucker up, screaming frantically the whole time. Then I stood there, shaking, while I comprehended the fact that I ALMOST DIED. 

"What the [censored] am I supposed to do now??" I wondered to myself, shaking uncontrollably. I gathered myself and walked upstairs to where Keith was playing Elder Scrolls with his friend (virtually, so cool right? -__-) and said, "Um, Keith, I need you to come downstairs RIGHT NOW PLEASE."

To my surprise he obeyed and when he got to the bedroom I basically started bawling.

Through my blubbering, I explained, "I was vacuuming and I moved the pillow and a spider the size of A QUARTER jumped out and I vacuumed it up but I need you to check the rest of the bed and under the bed and the closet and outside and did I mention it was the size of a shoe and I ALMOST DIED."

He responded by saying, "It was only the size of a quarter? That's not bad. Usually they're the size of a half dollar."

So then I slapped him and continued my mature and appropriately reacting behavior by sobbing harder. After he'd sufficiently checked the bed, I vacuumed the bed, between the mattress and box spring, under the bed, under the nightstands, around the baseboards, then emptied the vacuum container into the kitchen trash and then took the kitchen trash to the trash can in the garage,

and then I burned the house down.

Obviously not, that last part, but I don't think that would have been unreasonable. All I can say is at least the spider didn't jump at me, because that has happened before. Remind me why I still live here?? Just kidding. Sort of.

The moral of the story is that if I had a girly Pinterest-y house peonies instead of football helmets on the mantel, I probably wouldn't get eaten alive by spiders in my sleep.


  1. Not too long ago I was sitting on a foot stool holding my 3 month old baby and rocking back and forth. Next thing I know my husband says "DON'T MOVE!". I stopped mid rock while he looked for a shoe. I didn't know what the heck was going on and then I looked down and saw the biggest freaking spider I've ever seen in my life. I'm talking the size of a 10 year old's fist at least. He killed it with the shoe and said "I just saved your life." cracks me up when I think about it, but if I didn't have that baby in my arms I'd have jumped up, took off running, screaming, and looking for matches to burn the house down too. We've also found small scorpions in the livingroom. Not sure which is scarier.

  2. Skulls?! And now spiders?! You are one brave lady.

  3. I am grateful every day that my fiance had gutted his house for a renovation, and basically moved back in it the day I moved in with him. I'm also really grateful to have been in a relationship with him during the renovation, because even though he was basically a grumpy cat for months about the mess the house was, I got to make suggestions about flooring and paint colors (which was awesome because I KNEW I would move in eventually. #winning). But I digress, we essentially moved into the house at the same time, and since my furniture (and decor) was nicer than his, mine moved in, and his (for the most part) eventually moved on. There are still "discussions" on the regular about making sure the decor is not "too girly". I'm not entirely sure why, since I dedicated our basement porch as the man cave. Maybe Keith needs a "man cave", then you can claim the rest of the house :)

  4. hahahahah. Your stories never fail to make me laugh. Love you!!!

  5. My husband has the same Star Wars posters in his office!

    I definitely think burning the house down would have been justified.

  6. So glad that Derek didn't have a bachelor pad before we were married and that he (finally) realized that he actually doesn't care about home decor and I get to have my way with mostly all of the house. He has his whole garage and his office (which he asked if he could paint no!!! This is why I'm glad he didn't have his own place) where he can put things like his NASCAR posters and stuffed raccoons (not the stuffed toy kind). I'll pray for you and the spider issue and also that Keith will see the light soon and let you pinterest-ify your house.

  7. YOU ALMOST DIED OMG. I would freak the [censored] out in that situation, too.

  8. Let's forget the spider story for a second and concentrate on the life size poster of Kramer above the toilet. THAT IS AMAZING!

  9. OMG I hate spiders! I cringed just reading this. I'm glad you already had the vacuum in hand!

  10. I don't know how I missed this post. Those jumping spiders freak me out too. I swear they are HUGE and want to eat me for dinner. Ugh, one downside to the mountains are giant spiders!

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