Monday, January 18, 2016

Marriage is not all fun and games

I've been married for a whopping 114 days, which makes me an expert. Isn't the saying that you have to practice something for 10 years before you're considered an expert? Well I've been mentally preparing myself for marriage since I was about 15 years old which actually makes me even MORE of an expert since I was 15 twelve years ago. So this is 12 years of experience telling you all of about marriage.

Marriage is wonderful, yes, and of course I love it. I'm insanely happy to be married to Keith and I still have to punch myself to make sure it's true. (I meant to say pinch but I think punch actually makes my point much more nicely.) But, you know how they say the first year of marriage is the hardest? THEYRE RIGHT. Whoever they are, they're right. And I don't have any other years of experience to compare this one to but let me just tell you, it's HARD, and nobody really talks about the hard stuff. 

I always thought it would be romantic that Keith gets up for work at 430 and leaves at 5. I thought I would lie in bed with an angelic dozing smile on my face listening to the sound of him rustle through things getting ready for his day, and I thought we would kiss goodbye and I'd snuggle back into the covers for another 2 hours until my alarm went off.

Let me tell you how it REALLY goes: his clock radio starts yelling at us at 4:30 and I passive aggressively groan, roll over, and count how long it takes him to turn it off. Then he sits up but doesn't quite get up. He just sits there so the blankets are slightly off our bodies which lets ALL THE COLD AIR INTO THE BLANKETS WITH ME. So now I'm snuggling down in the covers but not because I'm sweet and angelic, it's because if I don't, I'll get frostbite. Next, the dogs I've to cuddle really close to me. This would be fine except for the fact that they're mastered the art of subtly pushing me out of the bed. I'll start in the middle and by the time my alarm goes off at 7 in like, hanging on to the bed for dear life.

But backing up, usually while he's in the shower I'm wide awake and thinking (STRESSING) over all I have to get done that day both at work and in my personal life (changing my last name is on that list every day but it still hasn't happened ... Is there a time limit on that? Hope not). I hear the shower turn off and I know he's slowly getting dressed and whatever guys do in the bathroom in the morning. I always get excited for the goodbye kiss but I don't know why. I always turn away and so does he. Why?

MORNING BREATH. Our marriage is still new enough that morning breath is still a clear and present danger, and we aren't able to look past it yet. And since he's already brushed his teeth it's just mine we're steering clear from. It's so bad that I myself try to steer clear from it. I have no excuses for this embarrassing part of myself. 

So then we both go to work and go about our days, and I kid you not that every day I think I'm going to cook us a nice dinner that we're going to enjoy at the table using our new dishes and silverware and the placemats my coworker made us. That dream usually lasts until about 10am when I realize I'm always much to tired to cook and plus there are a billion other things to do and football is probably on so really it just comes down to are we eating pizza or frozen tacquitos on the sofa tonight? And we always always always enjoy it, and i always always always say. "One of these nights we're eating at the table" and he just pats me on the head and says "shhhhh the packers might hear you."

It's cute.

But really. We've fought over stupid stuff like.
"You love football more than you love meeeee!" (Guess who said that one)

"How did you break THAT cabinet door??" (He said that when I broke a corner door. It literally just FELL off the hinges when I breathed on it. Not my fault.

I always go to bed first and when he comes to bed he lifts the covers up to wrap them around is feet and it screws up my little cocoon that I've perfected. I've threatened to sleep in the other room because of this so I guess you could say... We're working on it?

One time I broke a controller for his xbox. Don't tell him. He still doesn't know for sure it was me. 

I wouldn't call this next one a fight, but we have a "discussion" about me getting a cat on a daily basis. 

There are some awesome things about being married though, i promise. Do you know how long it's been since I unclogged a drain? Like two weeks, but if I had asked him to unclog the shower drain he would have feigned happiness the whole time he did it. And I KNOW he enjoys all the meals I make him. He may complain about some thing but he never complains about my food. 

The best part is that he's more obsessed with The Bachelor than I am. Every Monday he's like DROP EVERYTHING ITS 7:58 THE BACHELOR STARTS IN TWO MINUTES ARE WE SURE ITS RECORDING?? And it usually takes us about an hour extra to get through it because he's making so many [hilariousi] comments about it. Some day I'll blog about that, but it is not this day (name that movie).

Anyway, I'm writing this in bed when in delirious again so I probably shared some mildly inappropriate stories (but none about s-e-x right? Those are way too inappropriate. I just can't. The TL;DR version is this: marriage is great but it's work. It's like eating a 4X4 from in n out: it's amazing, and you enjoy most of it, but at times you're miserable and wondering why you thought this was a good idea in the first place. Oh but then you get to a perfect bite of meat and cheese and secret sauce and you close your eyes and smile and you're like, "yep, this was totally worth it.

And since you're obviously wondering, YES I would be willing to speak at marriage conferences.


  1. Oh, how I love this post. You should give marriage advice all the time, really. You're awesome! Thanks for keeping it real about the good parts and the bad parts <3

  2. Marriage is amazing but it's daily work for sure. My husband and I go to sleep at different times, me first then him and it sometimes stinks because I'd like to actually go to sleep with him there not fall asleep then wake up when he comes to bed.

  3. Don't share blankets. That's my secret to a successful marriage!

    Seriously though- we each have our own blankets at night which makes life so much better when no one is stealing them!!!

    1. GAME CHANGER. Why have I never thought of this?!

    2. We share a sheet but have separate top blankets... Which he still manages to steal!! Maybe we need separate sheets, too. WHO NEEDS TO CUDDLE.

    3. You can cuddle with separate sheets and blankets. Just not when someone sleeps under and the other sleeps on top of the same sheet. Try it! You'll probably be happier. Or just get super warm and cozy socks and hope it doesn't wake you up when he ruins your cocoon. Jerk.

      Haha jk, Keith!

  4. I would love to see you speak at a marriage conference - it would be the most honest talk ever!

  5. Tim and I went through most of these issues while we were engaged because we lived in sin and I moved into his house before we tied the knot. I'm pretty sure he enjoys the Bachelor because he'll watch it with me but he pretends to not be amused.

    Also, I was told that after 2 years it becomes more difficult to change the name stuff, so I'd recommend doing it soonish. It was actually pretty easy.

  6. So I'm the early riser in the Sean and Allie relationship. I'm nice enough to let my alarm go off once, quietly (using the flashlight on my phone) head to the bathroom, and I remain being as quiet as possible. If Sean ever has to wake up before me, he hits snooze no less than 3 times, he slams doors, turns on the overhead light, and even PLAYS MUSIC ON PANDORA. Seriously... I must love this guy, right? :)

  7. I'm the early riser here and I'm sorry to say that like Keith, my loud alarm blares through the bedroom....usually 4 or 5 times before I actually get up (Andy is so lucky to have me). But let me tell you the morning breath thing? Totally legit. Anytime we have morning romantic times, we both get up and brush our teeth and then get back into bed, or just don't kiss at all. Because morning breath is real.

  8. This is too funny! Totally understand your frustration with the alarm going off before you need to get up and the morning breath. Bahaha.