Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Wedding Wednesday: Traditional Registry vs. Honeyfund

I've been enjoying discussing wedding details with friends, family, and the entire internet. I haven't gotten very many shocking or unwelcome opinions, and the ones that I have I've been able to mostly ignore. However, there have been a couple of decisions that have resulted in some debate. One of those things was whether to have Keith and I stand inside the gazebo or outside of it during the ceremony (we're going with outside), if we're going to do a first look, and how we should handle our wedding registry.





Keith and I are currently registered at Bed Bath & Beyond and on Amazon. Going to BB&B and scanning all the silicone and collapsible kitchen gadgets (collapsible funnel! collapsible measuring cup! collapsible dish dryer! collapsible lettuce keeper!) was a lot of fun for me. I've always looked forward to being able to do that. To be honest, I was more excited for that than to go dress shopping. But, in talking about our registry and what sheets, bathmats, and baking pans we should add, we began discussing a honeyfund.

Have you heard of that? It's pretty much exactly what it sounds like: people give you funds for your honeymoon. From what I've read you can create your a honeymoon website and people can go on there and give you money to go toward certain things, like fancy dinners, a sky diving trip, a night in a hotel, and the list goes on and on. Your guests can even print out a certificate to wrap or place inside a card and then they're sort of giving you something tangible for your wedding.

I've heard a lot of differing opinions on honeyfunds vs. traditional registries. The other day someone sent me a link to this article, which is not in favor of honeyfunds. The author, Rachel, says she hates honeyfunds because she wants to give the bride and groom a gift that will stay with them forever. She wants them to use the gift for the next 50 years and think of her when they use it. Rachel argues that when we think back on our romantic dinner we had on night 3 of our honeymoon, we won't be thinking of her.

Rachel is probably right. However, I can't think of anyone who remembers what gift every single person gave them for their wedding. In fact, I can't think of many people who can remember what they gave a bride and groom for their wedding. So why should I make a traditional wedding registry just to appease Rachel? It's not Rachel's day, it's our day, right?

Then there's this article, in which Marianne argues that it's silly and pointless to register for things you don't want or need when instead, you could ask people to contribute to the first trip the two of you will take as husband and wife. She says that for a couple who doesn't need much to build their life together, a honeyfund is very practical. Trips are expensive, especially if you want to go out of the country (like we're planning to do) and be gone for more than a week (which we're also planning to do).

But is a honeyfund tacky? Are you basically just asking your guests to give you cold, hard, cash? Is it greedy? Is it wrong?

I'm conflicted. At first, the idea of a honeyfund seemed really tacky to me and I was just like, "But I want the STUFFS!!!!!"


But now that I've thought about it more, it makes sense. I understand why people would be opposed to a honeyfund, and I also understand why it's a really great idea. But I want to know what you think. Does the idea of a honeyfund turn you off? Do you think wedding registries are basically archaic?

Either way, you're pretty much charging your guests admission to your wedding. (Although I have to say, if someone showed up to our wedding sans gift, I wouldn't be offended at all.) So, since they'll be spending the money anyway, is it really a faux pas to dictate even more specifically what you'd like? Or, are you robbing your guests of the job of purchasing you a gift that you'll be [theoretically, unless it's a pair of ceramic cows or something] using for the next 50 years? How likely am I, twenty years from now, to serve salad with a pair of tongs that Susie gave to me at my wedding? In twenty years will I place salad on a plate and think to myself, "Susie sure was a gem for giving us these salad tongs!!" I mean, really.

I'm pretty sure we're going to end up doing the regular registry and a honeyfund, but I'm really curious now how other people think. Is it just a generational thing? Am I asking too many questions? Should I go to bed now?

Okay.

Also, in case you were wondering, 59 days. #ReamTeam2k15

40 comments:

  1. We have the same dilemma! We'll have lived together for three years by the time we're married so we don't need much 'stuff'. An epic honeymoon would be the best gift, but I'm worried about how it's viewed as well.

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    1. I think we're just going to end up doing both. To me it seems like the best option. Like so many others have said, we'll probably offend people no matter what so we may as well get what we want out of it... or something not so tackily and poorly worded.

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  2. I feel like it's a teensy bit tacky and it kind of deprives your family and friends of the joy of picking out a present for you (I LOVE buying gifts for people). All of that being said...I did a honeymoon registry versus a traditional registry and I don't regret it for a second! I am NOT a stuff person and our honeymoon was an amazing memory that I will remember for much longer that I would remember a blender. I may have bordered on gross wedding etiquette, but our honeymoon was amazing so I don't regret it for a second!

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    1. I really should have proofread that. Ugh. Sorry for the redundancy, but I REALLY DON'T REGRET IT FOR A SECOND! Haha

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    2. We're going to end up doing both, I think. If it were up to just Keith, we would only do the honeyfund but I just can't stomach that!!

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  3. That's actually a really interesting question, and I suppose I haven't thought about it too much because I'm not facing it yet. But I think either one would make me happy as a guest. I can totally understand both, and since I haven't known any couples to do a honeyfund, it actually sounds really endearing and I'd probably be impressed by what I would expect to be their creativity! However, I suppose I can understand why it would get tacky, too. But here's the thing. Everyone you've invited to your wedding (presumably) loves you both and is excited to celebrate with you guys and are going to do whatever they can to make your day and your start to your marriage journey as special as they can. They're NOT going to care what you ask for, and they're going to be happy to contribute in any way they can. If they don't, they're really weird family and friends. I say do whatever makes your heart happy, what works with your relationship and ceremony and family and friends, and just don't sweat it! (Though I bet you already did all that... and now I've got honeymoon funds on my mind! :/ ) haha xx

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    1. I wouldn't have thought twice about it except that I've had people tell me they don't like the idea. That's when I started thinking about it more. We've decided we're going to do both, because that way we aren't forcing people to just throw cash at us to traipse all over another country, you know? I was just very curious what other people thought, and it's been really interesting to read all the opinions!!!

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  4. I am not a fan of the honeyfund because I like to buy gifts and things for people, that's how I show my love and giving money is not the same [I HATE giving gift cards too]. We've been married almost two years and I smile when I use a particular wedding gift. Will I remember it in 20 years? Maybe, maybe not, but I have a bridal book with every gift next to every name and dollar amount so if I forget I can always check. It is your wedding so you do what YOU want, I'd just be the friend that sends you a gift with a gift receipt ;)!

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  5. I am #TeamHoneymoonFund. Mostly because I think people can still consider it as "buying you a gift," if that's what turns them on. It's just (like you said) a more specific gift that you actually want. It's not tacky at all, and ain't nobody got time for matching ceramic cows. But also like you said, I do see both sides – I think the honeymoon fund thing is simply a newer trend, so some (older?) people haven't fully jumped on the bandwagon yet.

    Gotta go now, shopping for aforementioned matching ceramic cows. Check your mail in a couple days.

    LOVE YOU MISS YOU MEAN IT BYEEEEEE FELICIA.

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  6. My opinion is that if people are offended by the "Honeymoon Fund", then you still have a registry for them to buy you a gift from. It allows people to choose which route they want to take!

    xoxo,
    haleigh

    haleighhudson.wordpress.com

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  7. We need all the house stuff (tiny ass apartment right now, no room for anything) since we'll be moving, hopefully, to a larger house one day. But if you already live in a house together, the honeyfund makes sense!

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  8. I've been thinking about this a lot, along with every other wedding thing, not that I'm engaged. Bryan and I both lived on our own at some point during college so started to accumulate all the things, then we moved in together and finally bought a house together two and a half years ago now. We have almost everything that goes on a traditional registry by now so it seems silly to ask for those things. I know there are people who prefer to buy something they can hold and for showers I think it's basically expected that they do, but all of that being said we don't have much to register for so I think we'll do a small traditional one to give those people something to choose from and then add a honeymoon fund (I've been looking at honeymoon wishes since you can have the money go straight to the companies booking the hotel, excursions, meals, etc instead of ending up with cash in your hand) since it's more what we want/need right now than more stuff...

    Long story short, I think it's up to what you want and need. There are definitely some things that are nice to get when you don't have to get it yourself, but if you don't have much you need I'm all for the honeymoon fund registry.

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  9. We had friends who set up a honey fun and had different "gift" you could buy them. Like, you could give your gift towards an outing on their honeymoon, or you could give your gift toward new furniture they wanted to buy. I liked that a lot!

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  10. I think you could honestly do both! It's your day and what you all want. Wedding registries are nice to get some of those gift you'd like but wouldn't necessarily have bought for yourself, but also perfectly acceptable to get money towards your honeymoon too. Honestly now adays people peer to give money and gift cards anyway, it's all about what's easier on them so the honeymoon fund would be perfect for that!

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  11. I don't see a huge difference in having a registry or a honeyfund, you're asking guests to buy you something either way, what difference does it make if it's a salad spinner or a jet ski rental?

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  12. Nooo don't do it. Honeyfund takes a percentage of the money your guests give you. Why would you want that?!

    Many people give money when they go to weddings anyway -- think of all the cards you see at weddings (in cute Pinterest-y card boxes) ... they have checks in them. Make a small registry with items on it that you DO want, and guests will understand that you (like every engaged couple ever) also wants money. This way you don't end up giving a portion of your gift money to a company (Honeyfund, etc).

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  13. I think tacky or not depends on the size of the wedding you have. I know, stupid and double standard, but this is my take:

    You need to have twice as many things on your registry as the number of guests you invite (or so someone said and is now sort of the "thought" about registries). This is easy for small weddings (or even medium sized weddings). We had a 150 person RSVP and coming up with about 300 things wasn't EASY PEASY, but was entirely doable. So we did it. In this case, I just don't believe in the honeyfunds. I think if someone wants to give you cash or a giftcard, they will, but somehow mentioning a honeyfund seems to be asking for money to go on a vacation that is traditional but not necessary.

    BUT, for large weddings, you can't come up with 500 things you want (much less need). SO, then the honeyfund seems sort of an important option. Again, why not just give cash or giftcards? But honeyfund-ing is then another option. :)

    I think what I've realized is this: the honeyfund option can SEEM (not that it is always TRUE) but can SEEM like the newlyweds aren't able to afford to take an elaborate vacation but think they're entitled to it... And, well, that's just not a good look.

    Also, tradition weirdly plays in too. The idea that the woman's family is in charge of the wedding, the man in charge of the honeymoon still sort of weirdly stands. Weddings are changing so much and tradition is sort of becoming a thing of the past, but I think for older generations the idea of guests helping pay for the honeymoon is still uncomfortable.

    Whoa. I just like wrote an entire lecture. Way to go with big opinions amber.

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    1. Amber said exactly what my Grandma and her friends think. That a honeymoon is not necessary and if you can't afford it, don't take it. We could afford our honeymoon (seeing as we paid for it well in advance) but it would have been nice for people to contribute to it. But my Grandma called me complaining (I guess she didn't remember I did this) going on and on about how my (third) cousin shouldn't be asking for money for a honeymoon because it's tacky and they shouldn't be going if they need help paying for it. "Wedding gifts are for practical items the couple doesn't have but need." When I said maybe they have most of what they need she said "then this is the time to upgrade. Register for newer and nicer pots and pans. Or China of nicer dishes and serving stuff for dinner parties." ....again, older generational mindset. (Although Keith and you TOTALLY seem like the type to host super fancy dinner parties on your china ;) lol)

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  14. I was just talking to my mom about this the other day. Im 30 and everyone is getting married and she is opposed to it. Her argument was that a point of a shower/wedding gift is for items you need to start your life together.

    Totally agree!

    However, these days most of us are already living in sin - i.e. have the stuff we need before the wedding bells! I've lived with my boyfriend for 2 years, as has most of my friends, because well divorce is expensive and holy crap that first year is hard!

    Anyways through the last 2 years (totally 4 years dating) we have acquired most of what we need. Christmas' and Birthday's we don't really need toys, cuz we not 12 years old, we generally ask for really exciting things like a new knife set, or pots and pan - Its really excited being an adult! - However because most people live with their significant other before getting married you don't need a lot. - And My argument is wouldn't you rather get me things I need? Than just things to fill my register with, cuz we all know everyone's next argument will be - "she doesn't have anything on her registry to get them" So either way your going to get bitched at! lol

    Another thing that one of my friends is doing is him and his future wife have a lot of home repairs they want to do, again they have everything for the house,but they want things like drywall, and more excited stuff like that that comes with being an adult. He told me about a house-fund I dunno if this is a site on line like the honeymoon fund but thats what they are doing. You can't really ask someone for nails and drywall so they are creating a house fund for their wedding. Which again my mom thinks is weird/greedy but thats all they really need/want.

    My vote is times have changed and in the end everyone has the same argument " i want to get them something they need, and they will think of me when they use" Well when my friend is done building his addition with that he will invited us all over to enjoy it :)

    Do what you want - someone will always disagree, so at the end of the day at least make yourself and Keith happy! :)

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  15. I don't really have an opinion one way or another. We personally didn't have a honeymoon fund, but (almost) blatantly asked for cash on our wedding website (it was worded somewhat nicely but I'm to lazy to look). There are always going to be people who think asking for money is tacky and there are always going to be people who would rather give cash as a gift AND there are always going to be people who ignore your registries all together and give whatever they want (usually "personalized" gifts). So I'm just going to go with, do whatever makes you and Keith happy!

    But, like Christina mentioned, if you do decide to use a "honeyfund" website, make sure they won't take a percentage of the amount!

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    1. Addendum: I don't think having a honeymoon fund is tacky. I DO think posting frequently on facebook to "please donate to our honeymoon fund!!!!" throughout your engagement is VERY tacky. Yes this is actually something I've witnessed.

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  16. My friend who just got married did sort of a hunnyfund - but to help them buy their first home together. I thought it was such a cute idea! They also had a small traditional registry as well. I meant to do their fund thing for my gift but then the day of rolled around and I was near Target and.... well a gift card was easier. But that is far less personal to me than the hunnyfund would have been. It's just like giving a gift card (which lots of people do for weddings!) but it's customized to their trip. Sounds pretty dang awesome to me. If I ever get married I'm going to be really torn between to the two ideas, because I really want to go scan all the things for the registry!

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  17. Ugh, I just typed a nice long comment and the computer ate it. I'll give you the cliff notes of what I said.

    I agree with what some of the others have said. Today people are getting married later in life and are living together before they are married. This gives you plenty of time to collect things for your home. This isn't like it used to be where wedding gifts were really needed in order to start a home. Now they are just added bonuses. I really like the idea of the hunnyfund. I would much rather give someone an experience than a stupid salad bowl. I have to think that people are much more likely to remember your gift if you give them the opportunity to do something really cool during their honeymoon or have a amazing meal over giving a generic gift.

    In the end though it really only matters what works for you the two of you. If you want to ask for loads of gummy worms and wine I see nothing wrong with this. This is your day. For one day it gets to be all about what you want. Don't worry about what everyone else thinks.

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  18. A honeymoon fund isn't tacky, it's realistic. I just went to a wedding shower for one of my boyfriend's family members and they asked for honeymoon money. They didn't use the website, but put, "We know it's not traditional, it's not the way it's done, but instead of a wedding list, we'd like a bit of sun. So if you'd like to help us celebrate, some money towards a honeymoon, we'd much appreciate!" on their shower invites. They've lived together for a while and have everything they need, but were planning to put the honeymoon off because they couldn't afford it right after their wedding. Close family members and friends still gave meaningful gifts that they'll be able to keep forever. Just remember that it's your wedding, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

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  19. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, I love the idea! It's definitely something that would be useful, and those are the types of gifts you're supposed to get!

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  20. I am so conflicted over the honey fund versus the traditional registry. On one hand, hello awesome honeymoon that you don't have to go broke over, but on the other hand I think it could be considered tacky. I personally hate giving to the honey fund and prefer to give actual money to the bride and groom. It gives them the option to go buy a mixer or to put it toward their honeymoon. Also I don't want anyone to ever think of me after 50 years while using a whisk... I would hope you've gotten a new one by then!

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  21. I like the idea of a honeyfund. Honestly, if I ever get married, I won't need a lot of housewares. I've been living on my own for more than 13 years and it's likely my groom will be the same. I'd rather have people contribute to our honeymoon.

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  22. I'm all about the Honeyfund. Here's my thing, I have lots and pans and a vacuum and a crockpot and dishes and everything else. I live in an apartment. I needed those things. I don't need new ones, except maybe a vacuum. Soooo I'd be asking for a Honeyfund because that would be more useful for me. This girl CANNOT afford her dream honeymoon on her own

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  23. I don't think it's tacky at all. In fact, as a frequent wedding guest, I'd much rather contribute to the honeymoon than buy yet another set of bowls.

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  24. I would do both! If you keep a small registry people may just give cash anyways and you could use it towards a honeymoon, too. Also, definitely register for things you think you may want later, not just the things you need right now. I actually wish we would have registered for a few more things. For example, we had a lot of kitchen appliances but they definitely weren't the nicest and I keep upgrading them. I wish I would have just registered for the nice stuff and replaced it all when we got married!

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  25. I love the idea of a honeyfund! Here is also a little insight about Bed, Bath, and Beyond. They used to offer regisrants cash back on purchases they returned. Apparently they don't do that anymore, but after our wedding we took a LOT of stuff back, argued that the only reason we registered there to begin with was because of their awesome cash for returns policy, and ended up getting a lot of extra cash to take with us on our honeymoon. So if you have returns from your registry (I'm sure you will), try arguing the same case. Hopefully it will work for you too!

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  27. Definitely a generational thing. My grandma and great aunts and family friends my grandmas age are always appalled when they're invited to a wedding and they have a honeyfund. But I don't think our generation is too much. We had both the traditional registry and a honeyfund so that way people could decide which they'd rather do. Out of 240 invited guests, only FOUR gave to the honeyfund lol. So my advice is definitely be able to afford the honeymoon if no one contributes. (We paid for our all inclusive honeymoon months before the wedding so it wasn't a huge deal when no one contributed to it.)
    One thing I do suggest is make the honeyfund to where the guests can give whatever they'd like. My cousin had a honeyfund but it was set amounts such as "$100 for dinner" "$75 towards snorkeling" etc. I was a poor college kid and I couldn't give anything more than $40 but that was not an option for their honeyfund and that's the only registry they had. So they just got a check from me in a card lol.
    I say do both. Can't go wrong! But you're right. (For the most part) I don't remember what people gave me and I usually don't remember what I have someone. Nor do I care if they remember what was from me (unless it was handmade but let's be real. I'm lazy & far from crafty. I usually go the gift card route anyway.)

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    1. For the sake of not getting gifts you didn't register for, a traditional registry is a good idea. My grandma hated the honeyfund and because she's old and sassy, her and her posse (my great aunts) bought my cousin gifts anyway....obviously not any that they registered for since they only had a honeyfund lol. Oh grandma hahahaha

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  28. People get so upset about this! I personally don't find it tacky, nor would I be offended by it. Many resorts are even adding registries like this for couples! I think it's a really neat idea. That said, I doubt we would do it. I'm trying to avoid side-eyes, even if they're unwarranted.

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  29. I would do both! If I had gotten married straight out of college (which I didn't), I feel like I would have NEEDED stuff that traditionally goes on a registry. But I'm pushing 30 and have lived alone in a house for years, so a lot of those registry items are things I've already purchased for myself. Sure there are things I COULD put on a registry, but they aren't all things I think I would actually use.

    As someone who LOVES to travel, I would much rather give someone the opportunity to make memories together as newly weds. Will you remember that I helped pay for the honeymoon? Probably not. Will you remember I gave you a blender? Probably not. And let's be real, if I buy you something off a registry, it should be because I WANT you to have it. Not because I want you to remember ME giving it to you.

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  30. The first time I saw a fund for a honeymoon I thought it was kind of odd, but that was 2007 and now I think they're awesome! I went to a wedding recently where they just asked for cash to go to their (still unplanned) honeymoon. I thought that was tacky and would have much rather been able to buy them a bottle of champagne or something.

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