Thursday, June 4, 2015

Keith's Blog: AKA The Muhammad Ali of Blog Posts (Like Rocky and Rambo, it only goes downhill from here)

Today I was super lazy so I'm blessing you all with the wit of my fiance. I'll only read him the nice comments so be as brutal as you want.

Hello all you weirdos.  I’m going to start this blog by saying blogging is dumb.  Since blogging is mostly enjoyed by women and the path through a woman’s brain is a quick spiral into madness, I have decided to live without understanding the allure of your online diaries.  Although I have no desire to write this, Juliette pestered me enough to make me give in just to get her to stop.  This is probably setting a dangerous precedent for our upcoming marriage.

Unlike Juliette, I don’t spend my time thinking about cool topics for a blog post so you guys are going to have to live with whatever pops into my head.  Some guy who follows Juliette on Twitter gave me some ideas, so whoever he is gets a few points in my book.

His first idea was to tell a dirty joke.  Juliette was concerned about this so I wrote down my joke and let her judge if it was “appropriate.”  She is a prude so naturally I was censored.  I refuse to waste your time with a sub-par joke, so you can blame Juliette for this waste of a paragraph.

The other idea that the guy had for me was that I should live tweet the Clippers game.  Remember all those points I gave this guy for giving me ideas?  He lost them all and is now in the negatives.  I will never voluntarily tweet anything, and unless you are Stephen Colbert or Jaden Smith, neither should you.

Now I am on my own.  I decided that I will list some interesting/funny things about Juliette that some of you may not know, and if you do it is probably still funny.

-When she gets hungry, she just starts whispering the names of foods that sound good to her.  This can go on for quite some time.  It feels pretty strange when we are sitting there watching tv or a movie and I just hear her whisper to herself, “flautas.” It happens more often than you would think.

-I call the following events the 9 steps of emotional chaos.  This is one of the most entertaining things that Juliette does.  If Juliette is watching tv or a movie, there is no telling what is going to strike an emotional chord.  Obviously the most common catalyst is the death of a beloved character.  Two instances come to mind; the death of McDreamy in Grey’s Anatomy and the death of the old guy in Parenthood.
     Step 1 Complete silence.  This is the stage where she is desperately hoping that what she fears is going to happen won’t happen.
     Step 2The Gasp.  This happens when it is clear that the death is unavoidable.  This is usually my first sign that I’m in for a wild night.  When she is still in step 1, I don’t question the silence.  I just enjoy it.  When I hear the gasp, there is nothing to do but hope that it was caused by making a mistake in candy crush and not related to the show.  (This has happened multiple times so it isn’t unrealistic to hope for)
     Step 3: Intermittent Crying.  I’m usually sitting at my computer when these events are unfolding, and this is the moment I know that the show is about to begin.  Every fifteen seconds or so she lets out a little sob or a sniffle.
     Step 4Craziness.  Once the guy actually dies, it is time for everything to fall apart.  This is when the heavy weeping and sobbing begins.  At this point I am sitting next to her just staring at her because it is fascinating that her world is falling apart because of the death of a fictional character.  I lose track of time in this step so I don’t really know how long it goes on.  I’m going to estimate 30-40 minutes.
     Step 5NO-stradamus.  This stage is impossible to predict.  She will randomly switch between steps 1, 3, and 4.  (Imagine that scene in Friends where Monica is telling Chandler about the seven places that women like to be touched.  It is like that, but not sexual)
     Step 6: Demanding Answers/Offering Explanations.  During this time she calls out (to God? I don’t know) demanding to know why?  How could they do this?  Don’t they know how much Grey has been through?  She already lost her sister and her mom and now her husband, how is she going to get past this?  Eventually I can’t help myself and I start asking questions because stupidly I think there is a way to understand this.  This leads to a mostly unintelligible recap of the entire show squeezed into about 30 seconds.
     Step 7Physical Abuse:  If I have made it this long (and I usually don’t) without laughing, this is when I lose it and she begins to hit me.  Luckily she is too sad for her heart to be in it.
     Step 8: The Cooldown.  We return to step 3.
     Step 9:  It is never that easy.  Only a guy will think a girl’s emotions will follow a logical path.  She is weeping again.
     Step 10: Who Knows?  Nobody knows how long it will take for things to return to normal.  Usually it takes a day or two.  She isn’t ready to laugh about it yet but the crying is pretty much over.  If you want to avoid this catastrophe, you need to deflect her attention while still in step one.  I’ve never managed to avoid this, but I need to believe that it is possible.    

-Juliette has probably written about how she is horrible with directions.  I enjoy testing her when we are driving places on which direction we should go.  She guesses correctly about 20% of the time.  I tried helping her by having her create a mental compass and keep herself oriented by that, but she thinks north is pretty much whatever direction she is facing so I have given up.

-She will watch videos of Baby Kate over and over again.  She will just sit there replaying the video and laughing out of control.  I’m learning how to handle my disappointment when I’m in the middle of telling her a story and she gets one of these videos.  I guess it keeps my ego in check to know that I’m number 2.  (Gross)

-She won’t get mad when you laugh at her when she falls down the stairs for the first time, but if you laugh when she falls down the second time she won’t speak to you for four days.  I learned that the hard way.

-Juliette has improved a lot in handling her reactions to spiders and bugs.  Every once in a while she has a relapse and turns into a screaming banshee.  I’m usually in the other room when this happens and my initial thought is still that a murderer is in the house.  When this happened a couple of nights ago, I caught the spider and had it in a plastic container so she could see how big it was.  She freaked out and was almost in tears because the spider “might want revenge.”  She will feel phantom spiders on her skin for 10-15 minutes.  The most infamous story related to this is the “flying cockroach” in Fullerton.  Ask her about it. 

-She has a very strange fear of getting her potholders and hand towels dirty.  She really likes the ones she has and she just about had a heart attack when she saw me start using her favorite potholder.  Apparently some are just to look at.

I will cap this off by sharing one of my favorite things with you.  If you were bored to death up until now, maybe this will make up for it.  I enjoy watching women in high heels fall down.  My favorite part is the leg wobble when they still think they can save it.

Sincerely,
Keith

14 comments:

  1. Can Keith guest-write a chapter in your next book? HE HAS AN EXCELLENT VOCABULARY.

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  2. Juels. I love ya. I really really really do, but Keith is a freaking natural at this and if you don't start pressuring him into doing this more often, our friendship might end. Just saying. Cause holy cow I'm in tears from laughing so hard.

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  3. This is amazing. I'm almost in tears from laughing so hard!

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  4. This was hilarious! And he referenced Friends. WINNER.

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  5. Oh that was a good one!!! And can I just say I love the Friends reference! He should totally guest post more often....but of course you still rule :-) xoxo

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  6. I mean is Keith funny.. ya I GUESS SO. However I am most impressed by the detail in his stories. If someone asked Brian how I reacted to a fictional character dying he would just say that I cried.. alot. Also, both characters that he mentioned were gut wrenchingly sad and deserved the reaction you had over them. The end.

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  7. This is brilliant!!! You need to have Keith post more often, the description of you crying is so in detail! I think he secretly likes it! Also, flying cockroach..let go! I gotta hear this one!

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  8. Oh, Keith. Marry me instead, cause home fry, you are hilarious. And like, this whole blogging thing? You got it down.

    Just kidding. Marry Juliette. But like do you have a brother or something?

    Also, "I don’t question the silence. I just enjoy it." This. I'm pretty sure everyone I know says this about me.

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  9. Keith is hilarious, I officially want him and Andy to become best friends. Please and thank you.

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  10. Keith is awesome!!!! Hiiiiiii. This post was awesome!!! love youuuu juliette!

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  11. This is probably the funniest thing I've read on the internet all week. I think we all go through those stages of character death grief, don't we. Don't even talk to me about Dumbledore.

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    1. DUMBLEDORE DIES?!





      ... Just kidding. ;)

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  12. This is hysterical! Keith def needs to post more often!

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