Thursday, May 7, 2015

Kitchen Fails (with gross pictures)

I'm pretty sure I've never claimed to be a very good cook. If I have, it was definitely in jest and if you believed me well, sorry. Growing up my homeschool group would get together and some of the parents would teach some classes. A few of my favorites were: cross stitch, quillow class (that's where you make a quilt that has a magic pocket that makes it turn into a pillow), baton class, drama (what? me? dramatic?), and cooking.
Cooking.
The only thing I remember from cooking class is something called "enchilitos." It's a cross between an enchilada and a burrito. You make a bunch of burritos and put them in a casserole pan and pour enchilada sauce and cheese and whatever on top and when I was 12 it was really delicious.
But since then my skills in the kitchen have mostly declined and today I decided to help you lose your appetites and show you some pictures of my fails. You're so welcome. I'm just so generous and caring and if you throw up in your mouth a little bit from some of these pictures, well, I did warn you.
Here we have my attempt at making banana chips. I read online that if you dip slices of bananas in lemon juice and put it in the oven you'll have delicious banana chips. I don't know what I screwed up but it was really hard getting these banana slices off of my pan and they were disgusting.
Half the time when I make Grandma's 7 minute icing I do a great job. The other half I end up with a melty mess which results in what we like to call "earthhquake cake."

One time when I tried to make muddy buddies in my old apartment I succeeded in getting powdered sugar aaaaallllll over the kitchen. Oh and did you know powdered sugar is also known as "confectioner's sugar"? I learned that the hard way when Keith's mom gave me a recipe for one of his favorite desserts and I hunted all over the grocery store looking for something called "confectioner's sugar" before I finally decided to google it and then I was both embarrassed at myself and annoyed that she didn't just write "powdered sugar."


One time I dropped a brand new carton of eggs on the floor. I think one of them stayed intact and I'm also weirdly proud of that one yolk that didn't crack.


I tried to make jalapeno poppers and failed miserably.


HARD BOILING EGGS IS LIKE THE HARDEST THING EVER. I've never been a fan of hard boiled eggs (unless they're deviled eggs) so when I tried to hard boil eggs for the first time I actually googled how to do it. Unfortunately the instructions didn't tell me not to use a lid. Did you know when you use a lid the eggs explode?

Finally, Keith showed me his fancy egg timer he has. You put it in the water with the eggs and it turns colors and you take the eggs out when the egg timer reaches the color that corresponds with the hard boiled-enss of the eggs you desire. This works great when I remember there are eggs on the stove. But this one time I forgot for like, an hour, and the only thing that reminded me about the eggs on the stove was the loud "POP!" which was the teflon or whatever part of the pot exploding.

The egg below is just a mutant egg. The other three in the pot turned out just fine but this one decided it doesn't like rules or order or looking normal. Nobody ate it.

Crock pots are like, the best invention ever. So whenever I see cheap chicken at the grocery store I'll buy it and toss it in the crock pot with BBQ sauce or salsa and that makes a few meals. Well, the other night I found some SUPER cheap chicken that was already marinated. It was "asada pollo [some other Spanish word]." It tasted great right when I cooked it but then I put it in the fridge and then the next night I looked in the container and saw what you see down there.

I think that's fat. I still mixed it with other stuff and I served it to Keith and he thought it was delicious until he found some cartilage in it.

Another time I tried to crock pot some pork but it turned purple. Legitimately purple and I'm an idiot who didn't take pictures.


And finally we have this lemon onion chicken barf. I found a recipe that told me to dredge the chicken, and after I googled "how to dredge chicken" I chopped up some purple onions and some lemons and looked for dill and parsley and the other spices the recipe called for and tossed some salt and pepper and chili powder on it and stuck it in the oven and when it came out it looked like vomit.

It tasted ok but it was SUPER slimy, and the leftovers the next day were really HEAVY. Apparently vomit weighs more the next day.

BRB gotta go order take out because I don't belong in the kitchen.

16 comments:

  1. I'd just like to correct you by saying that those poppers look amazing. I don't require the bacon and the cream cheese and the jalapeno to be joined together in order for them to be delicious.

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  2. HAH we all have these mistakes! It is okay! I bet you make amazing food most of the time!

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  3. I love cooking and trying new recipes, but your post makes me want to only eat salad today.

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  4. OMG this is hilarious. I am also terrible in the kitchen and have taken a few photo fails as well. And I had to laugh when I saw your egg picture (where they all cracked) because I JUST did that a few weeks ago. This is why I order takeout.

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  5. This is why you can't have nice things. Also, this is me.

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  6. This is amazing! I should blog about the macaroons that almost burnt my house down, because clearly we have that in common.

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  7. I'm going to come teach you how to cook.. and we will drink wine which will mean you probably won't remember anything I teach you but whatever.

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    1. I would like to be a part of that, please.

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  8. Oh my goodness...you are a pro! That is too funny, I'm sure with time you'll learn. Your story about muddy buddies reminds me of when I was going to make some and I dropped the whole container oh the powdered sugar, some chocolate and everything else on the floor. It flew up everywhere!

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  9. These pictures are disgusting. I should've known not to read this during lunch.

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  10. hahaha we have similar skills in kitchen and for some reason the egg coming out is freaking me out the most (no wait...the chicken swimming in yellow fat is). i had NO idea that you shouldn't put a lid on when you hard boil eggs! cooking is hard.

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  11. I am so intrigued by the purple pork chops!

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  12. I've done the same thing with boiled eggs - just forgot about them. My mom said it was the first time she'd ever even heard of burning a boiled egg. And one time, I was making pecan pie (which is now "my thing" for pot lucks) but it was one of the first times and I misread the amount of flour I was supposed to use (1 tbs) and used one cup and ended up making something more like pecan cake in a pie crust. But the worst part was that you couldn't tell from just looking at it before it was cut. So I took it proudly to my parents and all their friends (we were having our weekly dinner party) and everyone laughed when they realized. It was truly traumatizing for an 11-year-old.

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  13. Wow. I think I'll do the cooking if we ever have a dinner party. :-)

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  14. Wow....I want to come give you lessons or something...
    I don't cook, because I don't like to clean up my kitchen and Boomer is picky as hell (her favorite phrase I SWEAR is 'mommy I don't like this') but I CAN cook....I'll give you lessons.

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