Wednesday, May 20, 2015

I care what you think about my wedding

This is a feelings post, not a funny post.

I've really been enjoying writing these Wedding Wednesday posts. It's been a lot of fun to have this great outlet for everything that stresses me out and everything that's just ridiculous about planning a wedding, and I truly appreciate everyone who has given me suggestions, pointers, or just laughed along with me! Sometimes it's really difficult to plan a wedding from 300 miles away and without having our family or close friends nearby, but it's still been largely enjoyable and I feel like I've learned a lot about a lot of things.

Also, I want to just take a second to express how truly excited I am to marry Keith. I really never thought this would happen, but I'm so happy it has, and it's still pretty surreal that our wedding is in just over four months. (We still haven't made the date "official" but I feel confident in saying that September 26 will be our day.)

OKAY now that the mush is out of the way... I mentioned that I've learned a lot about myself through this process. The biggest thing I've learned is just how much the opinion of others means to me. We haven't really committed to anything (except Chipotle) yet, and over the past few days I started to really think about why. Why do I not want to tell people our colors or that we aren't serving alcohol or that we don't want a unity candle or communion? Here's the answer: because I really care about what people think, and I don't want anybody to think we're doing something dumb or wrong. I'm terrified of people thinking that my colors look stupid, or ugly. I have a real concern about people telling me to my face that my ideas are "so pretty!" "so original!" "so artistic!" when they're really wondering why I want a blue cake stand or why I want to do my own makeup or why I want the bridesmaids to wear totally different dresses.

Everywhere I look I'm bombarded with people saying, "I don't care what people think," or something to that effect. It feels wrong to care. It feels weak. But it's the truth. I do care what people think, and that's why even though it's our wedding, it doesn't really feel like it's our wedding.

If we only use the plastic utensils that Chipotle provides and their cardboard bowls, will people think I'm not classy? Will they think I don't care about nice things?

I'd better give a corsage to every single woman in both of our extended families so no one feels left out.

How am I going to choose in what order to place the bridesmaids without making someone feel bad about having to stand at the end?

My Grandma loves hymns, so if we don't have a hymn during the ceremony will she be offended and disown me?

Will anyone think I'm being disrespectful for wearing sandals? Are sandals even disrespectful?

If we don't invite the girl who babysat me twice when I was five will she unfriend me on Facebook?

I know I'm being ridiculous. Trust me, I know. It feels wrong to share this on the internet, because it's not inspirational, or uplifting, or brave, or even funny. It feels pointless to be writing it. But it also feels honest, and it feels real. I care about what other people think, and I always have. Usually I can fake it and pretend like I don't care and I can just "do me," but not with the wedding.

The wedding is too important to us for me not to care. Not necessarily the actual wedding, but what it represents. The two of us making those vows to each other in front of the people who matter most to us is the important part. Maybe I should get that tattooed on myself so whenever I start getting insecure I can remind myself that September 26 is not about cake stands or cardboard bowls.

But then ... would you make fun of my tattoo??


Do you have any words of wisdom? When you planned your wedding, or a friend's wedding, or a birthday party, did you share any of these concerns? How did you get over them? Please provide me with a detailed list, complete with index and bibliography, thanks.

Also, send wine.

35 comments:

  1. This is what I dread about planning a wedding! I care too much about what people think, but I always just want to be happy. I like things to be pretty, but I'm not exactly classy. I'd worry too that people would go home and talk about the cardboard bowls from Chipotle, but would Chipotle even taste the same without them?! No. It wouldn't.

    My ideal wedding would be one where I could just show up, get married, and leave. I don't want to worry about useless stuff. Like favors! Why are we supposed to give people a tiny token of appreciation for showing up to watch ME spend a whole lot of money and get married? Being INVITED to the wedding should be my token of thanks. It says you mean something to me! Otherwise, you're not on the list. Favors are stupid. Weddings are stupid.

    But I'm sure yours is going to be fabulous, and I'm just bitter about not being engaged. ;)

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  2. I just recently got married (November) and it was my second marriage. My first I allowed other people's opinions to affect me and I did what others wanted me to do and it didn't feel as personal. My second one, my husband was of the opinion that it really didn't matter what others thought and he kind of helped me to not worry so much about that, and focus on the fact that it was OUR day and what we wanted for it was what mattered. It felt good to let go a little.

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  3. First, breathe, just breathe! Inhale and exhale....woooosaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

    Okay, now that we are bit more calm, I will tell you I totally get it. The day is about you two but you want other people to GET IT and to have fun. No one wants their wedding to be talked about as 'that wedding'. I've only been to one where it wasn't that great, the cake was dry the cupcakes were dry and the videographer was all up in people's faces and it made a lot of us uncomfortable. Do I always 'agree' with other people's choices for their wedding? No, but I got the wedding I wanted to so it doesn't really matter.

    When other people's thoughts come into play the only people that really had a say were my parents because they were paying for 90% of the wedding. Other than that it was what my husband and I wanted, that's it. I had always dreamed of a traditional ceremony and that's what we did. We even served communion which most people loved but a I think a few didn't understand why. But, oh well, it's our day and that's what mattered.

    Here are some thoughts. 1] You don't have to invite everyone. Invite those that know you and your husband to be. Those are the people that matter. Everyone has different family dynamics, but we invited all family. 2] Tell your bridesmaids it's about height and that way no one gets mad, easy peasy. 3] I think corsages for mothers and grandmothers are plenty. 4] Sandals aren't disrespectful, where are you getting married? If that worries you maybe heels for the ceremony then change right after into sandals?

    Okay, sorry for the novel, hope it helps.

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  4. GIRL. I put my foot down hardcore when it came to the wedding. I just accepted that no matter what I did, someone was probably going to be upset with the decision. For that reason, I made the decision to be very vague with my plans. It can feel weird to do that, especially to the person or people helping to pay for it, but in my experience, they respected my boundaries (even if it did lead to a disagreement). I had to remind people a few times, that I was doing something a certain way because it made the most sense for us, etc. etc. For us, the hardest part was the guest list, but at the end of the day, I'm so happy we were selective because the people that I just couldn't get married without were there, and the other people weren't. I think everyone feels these things when planning a wedding! Let me know if you want to talk more :)

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  5. It's your day- do what you want (and send some chipotle my way) but at the end of the day people are going to talk about it for a day or two and then it's on to the next one but it will always be your (and your future husbands but whatever) special day that you look back on. I couldn't tell you what any of my friends served at their wedding or what they wore or who did or didn't have a corsage. Keep in mind the opinions of those who really matter but in the end you are the only one who's going to be creeping back at your wedding pics years from now.

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  6. I'm not planning a wedding but I totally think about this! We hear people bash weddings ALL OF THE TIME and when I'm thinking about what I like or don't like at a wedding I feel like part of the problem. But the truth is that even if I wouldn't do something some way, it doesn't change how I feel about the people I love that are getting married. It just means I would want to spend my money differently because something seems more or less important to me. So while I say "to each his/her own" I'm sure I'll sound more like this post when the day comes.

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  7. Order your bridesmaids in the order that you met them. No one can protest/get mad at that!

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    1. This is genius! My sister is having the same debate, and I suggested height. But that doesn't work because the best man is the shortest, and the maid of honor is the tallest. Must pass on this brilliant idea, immediately!

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  8. I think if you are ABOSLUTELY you, people will remember that wedding and say "that was SO Juliette!" And it will be fantastic because YOU are fantastic.

    And I'm still showing up in the rainbow foo foo dress and I'm going to rock it and eat Chipotle. Even if guac is extra. Or free. Or whatever.

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  9. @thepaulhagan and I will be awaiting our wedding invitation, as your wedding is during our anniversary week and we needed a place to go to celebrate. Plus we love Chipotle and plastic utensils.

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  10. So we ended up doing a destination wedding because of all of that stuff. It took us a long time to realize that the wedding wasn't for us, it was for everyone else attending. The MARRIAGE is for us, so as long as you have people there that will help support and uplight your lifelong relationship with each other, that's the ultimate goal. Also, I wore a short dress, made my bridesmaids wear totally different dresses (and colors), and my husband and I wore matching converse. And I wore those ALL DAY.

    A thing I TOTALLY recommend - some alone time with you two and maybe a photographer. We had our photographer for five hours before the wedding even started: we had a first look and the getting ready pictures, sure, but we also had time to take pictures ourselves and really (REALLY) enjoy some time with just us, being excited about getting married, and laughing a lot. HIGHLY recommend.

    Also - you will live through it. It's weird and crazy and some people are mean but at the end of the day, you're marrying the person you want to be with forever and that's really exciting.

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  11. I wish I had some great wisdom to share, but I think it's very natural to feel that way, especially about such a big event in your lives!! I think we all at times care about what others think in some fashion, so you are not alone!! I bet it's going to be this best day of your life after it's all said and done :) xoxo

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  12. I can really relate. I really made the wedding my own and I didn't really let other people pick what was right or not right. I bought traditional shoes for a wedding and ended up in sandals or barefoot the entire time. I think a wedding should represent you and your soon to be husband! I had so many people who felt the need to be rude or judgemental but it's not their wedding and that's the best part, you can do whatever you want! So excited to read about your journey, it makes me miss planning my wedding!

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  13. You're going to stress yourself out a billion times more if you worry about what everyone else thinks. And if that's the case, then I definitely would keep all your ideas in your head until the big day. Once the big day comes, you can't change anything and it'll be the absolute last thing you're thinking about. And honestly, once the wedding is over - no one will think about your wedding beyond the hangover ;)

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  14. Girl. You’re like, the nicest, most caring, best bride ever. The fact that you care so much about your family’s feelings and opinions is so incredibly thoughtful and considerate of you. The day is going to be perfect no matter what happens, no matter whether all the ladies have matching corsages, no matter whether you wear sandals and no matter what order the bridesmaids stand in. It’s going to be perfect, because at the end of it you will be married to Keith.

    Also I totally don’t care either way if the silverware is plastic or if you get tattoos. No judgment. And I’ll put a case of wine in the mail for you.

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  15. All of these thought are SO understandable. I feel that same way with caring what people think. It's so hard to remember but I keep reminding myself that I want to have a marriage that is more beautiful than my wedding. I won't remember every single detail 10 years down the road, but I will remember that I married my best friend and that we have forever to spend with each other. I hope this helps, even the slightest bit. Happy Wedding Wednesday and thanks for linking up with us!

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  16. Oh. My. Goodness. I just got married less than a month ago and I TOTALLY GET IT. It wasn't my wedding. I mean, it was because I'm the one who got married, but it definitely was not MY wedding. I could write you a novel and tell you all the things, but I won't because you're probably getting it from every side. Just know this: When the day comes, you will not care about the details. You think you will, but you absolutely won't. You'll be in your bride bubble and you won't be able to stop staring at Keith long enough to notice ANYTHING. People will always have opinions. I had someone come up to me at my wedding and complain about the music. You know what? Whatever. I'll leave it at that, but definitely email me if you have questions or are interested in the novel I could write you. Anyway, congratulations times a million. It will be your day in the end and it will be amazing!

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  17. My mom was a really good mediator for me. She would tell me when my thoughts were insane and she would tell me when I could demand a gold glitter table cloth, because it's what I wanted. She also had a really good insight on what the older generation would think. We used the plastic silverware that looks like real silverware and the heavy duty plastic plates from Sam's because they're middle of the road. I definitely suggest finding someone who you can have honest conversations with you!!

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  18. Ok, all the answers and feelings here. But this, this is what logically worked for Jason and I.

    It was our wedding and we wanted to honor our wishes, but we also continued to think where is the money that's paying for the wedding coming from? We had one person who insisted all kids be invited to the wedding, but wasn't willing to help us pay for ALL THE KIDS (which adds up to 55 between both sides of the family). I was worried about being bitchy at the time, but I realize it was logistical. And, well, that's important to remember -because as many emotions and love are involved, the $$ still matter.

    Other than that, people will remember one or two things and that's it. We went to a wedding shortly before we got engaged and all Jason remembers from it is how the ceremony was less than 3 minutes long. Our wedding was remembered for the live band and pies for dessert. So, do what you want and remember, it'll end up being some random thing like your best man's toast or your shoes that people remember.

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  19. I worried about these things at first... Buuuuuut then stress got to me and I threw up my hands and set "I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE THINGS" and a lot of small details that usually happen just didn't happen. No one ended up caring. All anyone talks about is the yummy mac & cheese, the open bar, and the dancing.

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  20. Aren't there just FAR too many choices for weddings?? It's CRAZY!! The one you mentioned about the order of bridesmaids was definitely a hard one for me - I didn't want anyone to feel like I was making them "last," so at our bridal party weekend away, we told the girls and guys to match themselves us and choose an order. It worked ridiculously well haha

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  21. The only thing I care about at other people's weddings is does the cake taste good. I don't care what their colors are. I don't care what the bridesmaids are wearing. I don't care if there's favors or not. As long as the cake tastes good, I'm good. The biggest things I worried about for my wedding was the location, the photographer, my dress, and the cake. I'm not going to tell you how much my parents spent on everything for our wedding because you'd probably flip out, but we got the best compliments about how great it was from everybody who attended and still even get compliments almost two years later. We didn't have alcohol, we didn't have dancing, we didn't have a fancy sit down meal (we had a buffet), I didn't go crazy with flowers or decorations. We had the ceremony in a pretty chapel at a golf course and the reception under a big tent pavilion on the property. As soon as the ceremony was over, I put sandals on. The most important thing to us was everyone just having a good time. We didn't worry about what they thought about all the small details because that stuff didn't really matter that much to us so why would it them?

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  22. I'm planning mine right now, too, and I feel the same way sometimes. Then I get in these "F everyone else" moods where I just don't care what others think. I think it's an up and down type of thing. Just know that you can't please everyone, no matter how hard you try!

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  23. Basically you have to decide what and who are the most important to YOU (and Keith). That is what really matters. There will be always people that don't "get it" when it comes to the decisions you make in your wedding. There will always be people who insist on telling you their ideas - let them, they may actually have some good ones! If they aren't good ones, they will at least feel good about the fact that you listened. You care about these people's opinioins because (I'm guessing) they are important to you, which probably means you are important to them to, and though they may not understand your reasoning behind the decisions you and Keith have made, they still love you and will generally support whatever you decide. For example: I wanted flowers in my hair and was neither here nor there on wearing a veil (I ended up without one). A TON of people didn't get it - a lot more than I expected actually because I didn't think it was a big deal what I did or did not put on my head. You would have thought I was saying I didn't want to kiss the groom at the end of the ceremony or that I'd be wearing a black dress. I had a few people even kind of try to talk me out of it (even my own mom) but then, on the day of the ceremony, it all came together and I got tons and tons of compliments on everything. Basically the whole point of this story is, listen to the opinions of others, carefully think them over and if you think they have a valid point about something, then by all means, do it! If they don't, tell them thanks for the input but I'm already doing XYZ for that. They may not understand, but if it is important to you and you have a vision or a gut feeling or whatever about it, then they'll get it on the day of the wedding. It will be like "Oh, she was right, those flowers are absolutely gorgeous in her hair and I couldn't imagine it any other way."

    Sorry for the novel and also Chipotle sounds awesome!

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  24. First and foremost do what YOU want – last year I cared a lot about pleasing others then let it all go because it was my day! The bridesmaids (and the groomsmen) we did in height order tallest closet to us, shortest on the end because I too was nervous about the order and everyone was really okay with it!

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  25. You just have to decide what matters to you and then make sure you have your non-negotiables. For me, that was a good photographer, good DJ and open bar. Some of the other stuff I wanted - like chair covers and nice plates (bc the chairs that come with the venue are black) I just totally decided against because I was like, I'm not paying hundreds of dollars for something noone remembers. I am going to use "fancy" plastic plates and forks, because no one is going to remember it. And it doesnt matter. As long as they can eat, who cares. I just think about the weddings I had the most fun at/the things I remember and it's always just dancing and laughing and how much fun I had!

    I am SO jealous SO SO SO jealous you're having chipotle! Our venue has a list of approved caterers that we have to use . . .but maybe chipotle for the rehearsal! haha!

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  26. The wedding should really be about you and Keith -- who you are, what you like, and what you've decided together. Don't worry about others' opinions, although I definitely understand why you are. I will probably be the same way (if I ever get married) even though I'd like to say, "I don't care." Just remember that at the end of the day, it's your day. And, really, all anyone will remember was how much fun they had and how happy you and Keith looked.

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  27. This post is real and honest and reminds me of why I truly look up to you so much (#truth).
    Obviously we are in different stages of life, but I struggle with this a lot. I care so much about people and what they think of me it can be exhausting. I don't really have advice, just to tell you that you're in my thoughts and I'm so excited for you!
    Also, I feel like a bad friend but i had no idea you had a tattoo... #whoops

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  28. I've never planned a wedding, or any huge event so I can't give any real advice.I do love your honesty and I don't think there is anything wrong with caring about the outcome of your big day. I think in the end, you want to be happy with all of your decisions and you want people to have a good time. Probably everyone feels that way, whether they admit it or not. Great honest post!

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  29. This does not sound ridiculous AT ALL. In fact, to me it sounds perfectly normal!! I have more to tell you - but don't want to put it out on the internet. I totally understand what you are going through!!

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  30. I feel you right now! My fiance & I are currently planning our wedding ceremony (slowly, but surely) also. I am finding myself changing my ideas on what we should do because I'm slightly worried about what someone will think. For example, we talked about getting married on a Friday and then having a reception on a Saturday. I've been thinking we need to just do it on one day because I don't want to explain to people WHY. Silly, I know. It shouldn't matter what people think but it's such an important day that it's hard not to! I've also been to weddings where I feel like it's all a show -- like its not really "their" ideas. Which, I blame Pinterest for that :)

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  31. I LOVE reading your wedding Wednesdays. They keep me laughing on the days I feel so down and out. Currently my Fiance' is 6000 miles away on a deployment. I am planning a move from VA to CA for September. Trying to furnish our brand new, first home and figure out how to get the furniture from here to there. All while planning a wedding for November 7th in Virginia, on a pending schedule that he is SUPPOSED to come home in October. Most days I feel like I'm losing my head. If I had a penny for every time someone asked me about the wedding, my plan for this that or the other, the move, Brendon overseas, or any thing else related, I could retire. Oh and on that subject I am working two jobs currently. HA! Losing my marbles over here, missing my guy and sick of making decisions on my own! Thanks for always providing the laughs! You're awesome!

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  32. I can absolutely identify with these feelings. These feelings are the number one reason that wedding planning was sometimes unbearable. So many people with so many opinions. And you know what...in the end none of it mattered AT ALL. Did things go wrong? Sure. Did people (maybe even every single person in attendance) think there was at least one aspect of things they would have done differently? You can bet on it. But...at the end of the day, we were married. And honestly, most people won't remember all the little details you analyzed and stressed over. I without a doubt know that it is easier said than done, but just try to enjoy as much as you can with the planning phase. You can't control the thoughts of others and no matter what you do or don't do there will be someone that thinks it should have been different. Toward the end of our planning, we were just hanging onto the thought of being away from everything and everybody on our honeymoon :) Oh, and for the bridesmaids...I really struggled with that as well. I decided to put them in order of how long I had known them. It made sense and they seemed pleased with that idea.

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