I've really been enjoying writing these Wedding Wednesday posts. It's been a lot of fun to have this great outlet for everything that stresses me out and everything that's just ridiculous about planning a wedding, and I truly appreciate everyone who has given me suggestions, pointers, or just laughed along with me! Sometimes it's really difficult to plan a wedding from 300 miles away and without having our family or close friends nearby, but it's still been largely enjoyable and I feel like I've learned a lot about a lot of things.
Also, I want to just take a second to express how truly excited I am to marry Keith. I really never thought this would happen, but I'm so happy it has, and it's still pretty surreal that our wedding is in just over four months. (We still haven't made the date "official" but I feel confident in saying that September 26 will be our day.)
OKAY now that the mush is out of the way... I mentioned that I've learned a lot about myself through this process. The biggest thing I've learned is just how much the opinion of others means to me. We haven't really committed to anything (except Chipotle) yet, and over the past few days I started to really think about why. Why do I not want to tell people our colors or that we aren't serving alcohol or that we don't want a unity candle or communion? Here's the answer: because I really care about what people think, and I don't want anybody to think we're doing something dumb or wrong. I'm terrified of people thinking that my colors look stupid, or ugly. I have a real concern about people telling me to my face that my ideas are "so pretty!" "so original!" "so artistic!" when they're really wondering why I want a blue cake stand or why I want to do my own makeup or why I want the bridesmaids to wear totally different dresses.
Everywhere I look I'm bombarded with people saying, "I don't care what people think," or something to that effect. It feels wrong to care. It feels weak. But it's the truth. I do care what people think, and that's why even though it's our wedding, it doesn't really feel like it's our wedding.
If we only use the plastic utensils that Chipotle provides and their cardboard bowls, will people think I'm not classy? Will they think I don't care about nice things?
I'd better give a corsage to every single woman in both of our extended families so no one feels left out.
How am I going to choose in what order to place the bridesmaids without making someone feel bad about having to stand at the end?
My Grandma loves hymns, so if we don't have a hymn during the ceremony will she be offended and disown me?
Will anyone think I'm being disrespectful for wearing sandals? Are sandals even disrespectful?
If we don't invite the girl who babysat me twice when I was five will she unfriend me on Facebook?
I know I'm being ridiculous. Trust me, I know. It feels wrong to share this on the internet, because it's not inspirational, or uplifting, or brave, or even funny. It feels pointless to be writing it. But it also feels honest, and it feels real. I care about what other people think, and I always have. Usually I can fake it and pretend like I don't care and I can just "do me," but not with the wedding.
The wedding is too important to us for me not to care. Not necessarily the actual wedding, but what it represents. The two of us making those vows to each other in front of the people who matter most to us is the important part. Maybe I should get that tattooed on myself so whenever I start getting insecure I can remind myself that September 26 is not about cake stands or cardboard bowls.
But then ... would you make fun of my tattoo??
Do you have any words of wisdom? When you planned your wedding, or a friend's wedding, or a birthday party, did you share any of these concerns? How did you get over them? Please provide me with a detailed list, complete with index and bibliography, thanks.