Thursday, February 27, 2014

OMG Karen, you can't just tell people that you blog

My blog is a secret from everybody in my real life except for 3 people. Sometimes that makes things hard. Like, when people ask me certain questions I have to come up with a fake answer really quick because, "OMG Karen, you can't just tell people that you blog." So here. Some common questions.
 
Why are you taking so many pictures? And why are they all selfies?

 
 
How do you know this girl you're going to see in San Diego?
 
 
How did you all of a sudden start getting more likes and followers on Instagram? You've never been popular. Like, ever. (coughstillnotcoughcough)
 
 
 
So.... do you have any hobbies?
 
 
Why are you always tweeting? What's your Twitter handle?
 
 
Who are you always texting? Who are these friends of yours who live far away and who I've never heard of?
 
 
Why did somebody comment on your Instagram picture asking about your blog? What's a blog?
 
 
Really? You're going to take a picture of our food? Why do you take so many pictures of food?
 
 

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

What it's like after you break up with somebody

Maybe at first, you cry a little.
 
 
But then you realize you have so much freedom and you're like...
 
 
And then all of your friends are concerned about you and they're like,
 
 
So you answer honestly
 
 
Because you really are fine, as long as you have your new boyfriend.
 
 
But then your friends think you need to be set up with a new boyfriend, so they try to introduce you to all kinds of new people, but you're just like:
 
 
Because now that you're single you have time for things you really care about, and you don't want anything getting in the way of that. Like this...
 
 
And this...
 
 
And obviously this...
 
 
And inevitably, somebody will ask you if you ever want to get back with your ex, which causes you to react in many different ways.
 
Like, you cringe at some of the memories...
 
 
And then you gag when you remember that your ex used to put lotion in his hair...
 
 
 And then you think they must be joking....
 
 
 
 
But they weren't. And now it's awkward.
 
 
And now the only thing left to do is go home and watch Netflix.
 
 

Monday, February 24, 2014

Don't lie to impress somebody

So, recently I've been talking to a friend, a friend I haven't seen in several years. A guy friend. You know how when you catch up with somebody you haven't talked to in a while (especially a guy) you have to try to impress them? You make yourself sound just a little more exciting than you are, you do just a few more cool things than normal, and you do some fun activities that maybe you don't actually do in real life.
 
Here's what I said on the phone: "I've been staying sooooo busy lately. I go on hikes allllll the time. It's so much fun! I love hiking! The trails are awesome. I go like twice a week because I just love the fresh air and the views and everything. It's so fun. I'm such a hiker."
 
Here's what I should have said on the phone: "I've been staying sooooo busy lately. I go on hikes Netflix binges all of the time. I love hiking Netflix! The trails shows are awesome. I go watch like twice a week day because I just love the fresh air stories and the views outfits Olivia Pope wears and everything. It's so fun. I'm such a hiker Netflix binger."
 
 
WHY AM I AN IDIOT?
 
He is ACTUALLY a hiker. I know this. That's why I even said it, because I was thinking, "Cool, we'll have something to talk about: hiking." Idiot.
 
We've actually gone hiking before, but it didn't work out well. I hadn't hiked in like 10 years and I didn't know I was supposed to wear athletic clothes, so I wore jeans. And about halfway up the mountain a picture was taken, a picture that should never see the light of day. So naturally I'm going to put it on the internet for everybody to see.
It would be so great if I could look like this instead:
 
But I haven't hiked at all yet in 2014. I embellished my life a little bit and it's totally going to backfire on me. And now I have like 11 days to become a hiker. What do you think, is it possible? All I need to be able to do is walk up a mountain at more than a snail's pace and be able to carry on a conversation the whole time. Totally doable. And by that I mean I TOTALLY SCREWED MYSELF.
 

 
Or not. Send me good wishes. And maybe some advice. Or some magical powers, that would work too.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Things I'm bad at

Taking pictures for my blog.
I'm so bad at it. Most of my pictures are vertical which isn't good for inserting into posts, and I always forget to take pictures of the most important things: food, outfits (but that's ok because my outfits are usually leggings and a sweatshirt and gold moccasins), pretty views, funny things I see, or you know, ANYTHING ELSE. Except for this week Jacey took a random picture of me. So that has to count for something.
 
Instagram.
I average like one instagram photo a week. And if it's more than that it's because I saw Baby Kate and I grammed a picture of her. But apparently I need to be careful about that because if your Instagram is full of pictures of a baby guys will assume that you have baby fever when you really really don't.
 
Keeping my room clean.
I'm not sure if this has something to do with the fact that I don't have a dresser or if it's just because I'm insanely lazy and disorganized and it's way easier to just throw my clothes in a pile on the floor than put them where they need to go. Don't judge me for this. Or fine, judge me. Whatever. Just know that if you judge I'll never invite you over for ninja mimosas.
You guys will love me through this, right?
 
Ordering new contacts before I run out of the ones I have.
I am SO bad at this. I just like to put off spending $100+ for as long as I can, and that usually results in me wearing my glasses for two weeks straight because I'm stingy. And forgetful.
 
Calling people back.
I'm the worst at returning phone calls. I just ignore and ignore and ignore because I really don't enjoy talking on the phone. Texting I can do all day and all night, but ask me to talk on the phone and it's like pulling teeth.
 
Dealing with problems as they arise.
One time, at a job, I made what I thought was a detrimental mistake. I had trouble sleeping at night for over two weeks until I somehow found out that the "mistake" I had made didn't matter A BIT. So ignoring actually DID make the problem go away. And now I still avoid avoid avoid and it's been working out really well for me. 
 
 Just having one drink.
If I tell you, "let's go have a drink!" You should know that I mean "Let's go to happy hour and have a drink every 30 minutes and a couple of shots so that by 7pm we're ready to go home and go to sleep because I can't hang." Unless it's a giant wine glass. I'd be cool with just one of those.
 
Come on now, don't make me feel like the only person who's bad at stuff... what are you bad at? 
 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

So you've never actually been to a real school before?

No. I've never actually been to a real school. I was homeschool through high school and then I went to a small private college. Ok. I know what you're thinking. No trust me, I know. You think I'm a homeschooled jungle freak who's a less hot version of Regina George, right?

Well, I wasn't a jungle freak. We don't even HAVE jungles in California. You'd probably know that if you were homeschooled. Ahem. Anyway. For the most part I loved being homeschooled. Sometimes I hated it, because I never got to pass notes in class (although I did have an imagination and I'd sit at my desk in my room and pretend like I was in a classroom and pass notes to myself) and I never got a locker. I REALLY wanted a locker. Even though I don't know how I would decorate it because the only male celebrity I could think of in middle school was Ricky Martin.


BUT, it was great because while you were busy being at school looking presentable at 8:30 in the am I was busy being at the kitchen counter for breakfast at 8:30 in the am and hardly even being awake. Our rule was that we had to be "dressed" for breakfast, and if we weren't then we couldn't eat anything until noon. My siblings and I got around that rule by throwing on a sweatshirt over our pajamas and coming to the counter for breakfast. I'm sure my parents knew what we were doing but they followed the whole "choose your battles" rule. And I'm glad they did. But trust me, there were a few mornings when I didn't wake up in time for breakfast because I was too tired from staying up late reading in the bathroom and I didn't feel like waking up for breakfast.
 

 
Also I had a 9pm bedtime until I was like, 15. Also when I got in trouble my parents threatened to not take me to the library. But like I said, not a jungle freak.

Anyway, where was I? Whenever I tell people I was homeschooled I usually get variations of the same few reactions:
 
"But you're so NORMAL!" Thanks. I try. I never know whether to be flattered or offended by this question.
 
"How did you have any FRIENDS?" Um, this cool thing called opening my mouth and talking to the other kids on the block or playing sports and interacting with regular human beings. Also my county had several homeschooled families and we'd all get together and have our own classes. Cooking classes, research paper classes, art classes, sewing classes... and this one time we got to all have fake wounds put all over us so we could help a hospital practice how they would act during a mass tragedy. Look at my cool yellow shirt and leggings.

 

 
"Did you like, grow up on a FARM?" No. But I did go to this lady's house and feed the calves with a bottle on several occasions.
Did you know that technically a "heifer" is a cow who hasn't given birth yet? So hi, I'm a heifer.
 
Instead of going to school for 6 hours a day, we could finish our work as quickly as possible and on most days I was only working from about 9:30 to 12. After that we had to learn how to entertain ourselves before our friends got out of school. We got pretty creative, like one time one of our rabbits had babies and the dad rabbit ate all the babies except four so we took the four in the house and brought the mom in every 4 hours to feed the babies. 


We played games...
 
And eventually I decided to become and entrepreneur and I had a lemonade stand and sold lemonade to all the tired and thirsty kids as they were walking home from school. I was pretty successful and I think one month I made a whopping $17.
 
Other common questions:
 
"Did you go to prom?" Yes. I begged and begged my parents and they finally let me go with my friend Kim. After prom somebody told me my picture was in the school newspaper and everybody was like...

 
"So you didn't have a graduation?" Oh no, I did. It was in a church and my graduating class was three people. They played pomp and circumstance and I got a diploma AND EVERYTHING.
 
 So let's recap: not a jungle freak, got to sleep in, didn't miss out on "regular kid" activities, had lots of friends from our homeschool group and sports, and passed notes to myself in my bedroom to feel like I was a part of a classroom. Also I had a secret boyfriend when I was 16. He was 23. It was totally scandalous and that's another story for another day. 
 

I'm the kinda girl who...

 
I'm the kinda girl who...
 
...gets emotionally involved with characters in books.
 
...has a teeny tiny bladder and has to get up anywhere between 2-6 times a night to pee.
 
...feels empathy.
 
...has a dry, sarcastic sense of humor that can be taken the wrong way if I'm not careful. I usually forget to be careful.

...holds on to bitterness and hurt from past relationships (romantic or platonic) for way longer than I should.

...doesn't really like dogs.

...can't sleep if I can hear my watch ticking.

...looks forward to putting makeup on every single day.

...hates feet, which is why I never saw Ben's.

...considers myself a realistic idealist. I wish life were perfect but I accept that it's not. Although I've definitely been called a pessimist and a cynic on more than one occasion.

...doesn't have a pair of jeans that fit me right now. Not kidding. None of them fit me.

...likes to drink coffee just because I like the act of sipping. I don't care for the taste, but I drink coffee for the same reason a smoker smokes: it's the act of bringing the cup to my mouth and sipping that takes me to the Keurig day after day after day.

...will just have water if I'm eating at a place that serves Pepsi instead of Coke.

...could easily go an entire day without speaking out loud. Texting, gchat, or e-mail is fine, but I wouldn't mind not having to open my mouth to speak. Cough introvert cough cough.

...loves to be right. All of the time. It's annoying. 
 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

What I'm loving

 SCANDAL
 
 
I started watching on Saturday and I. am. so. hooked. I'm partway through season 2 and it just keeps getting better and better! I'm obsessed with Olivia's clothes, the name Fitzgerald, Millie's chin dimple, everything that has to do with the beautiful specimen that is Harrison.... I can't get enough. Give me more PLEASE. Although what does it say about me that I relate more with Millie than Olivia? Maybe I don't want to know.
 
Eyebrows
 
 
I've been filling in my brows since college but lately I've been obsessed with looking at peoples' eyebrows. I don't know why but everywhere I go I'm staring at eyebrows. So if you're hanging out in San Luis Obispo, chances are I'm staring at your eyebrows. Also if you don't fill in your brows, START. Go to Sephora or somewhere and ask them to show you how to do it and then just keep doing it but if you start to look like Mia Thermopolis pre Genovia royalty then stop and just CHILL.
 
Vino2Go
 
 
I just really want one of these but I keep putting off buying one. It just looks so convenient especially because I spill things alllllllllll the time. I'm just a little curious why anybody would want the smaller one instead of the larger one? That doesn't makes sense in my head.
 
 
Figure Skating
 
 
I mean duh, it's the Olympics. But since we don't have cable and I can't really watch any of the figure skating I just YouTube old stuff like Tara Lipinski and Scott Hamilton and then it takes me back to when I was younger and my sisters and I would dance around on the linoleum to the music in the Zales commercials.
I'm in the middle.
That's all I have for today. Oh oh oh but honorable mention goes to Diet Coke, Bubble gum tape, fine tipped pens, sea salt hair spritzing stuff, white wine spritzers, and not wearing a bra. What are YOU loving?
Glossy Blonde