Monday, November 10, 2014

Things I'm more afraid of than coming down with Ebola

I told Keith I couldn't watch any more football with him because I had to work on my novel for #NaNoWriMo, but here I am writing a blog post instead. And on a Saturday night, no less. WHAAAAT IS HAAAAPPENING? My blogging mojo has been really low lately, I think because I feel like I have nothing to blog about since, well, I'm funemployed and lately I spend my days watching Netflix sleeping writing. My system is totally messed up since I moved, but I'm ok with it. Hopefully things on the job front will start looking up soon, and if not, I haven't forgotten about being the first Real Housewife of the Mountaintop.
Regarding the paragraph above: I had every intention of finishing this post on Saturday night and scheduling it for 6am this morning but then I got really lazy and we started watching Amazing Race and well, clearly that didn't happen.
Let's just move on.
Do you remember a few years ago when everybody was terrified of swine flu? It was like, THE THING to be afraid of. I never got swine flu, and I never new anybody who came down with swine flu, even though apparently TONS of people were getting sick and anytime anybody coughed people were like, "DO YOU HAVE SWINE FLU HERE PUT ON THIS FACE MASK SO YOU DON'T INFECT ANYBODY."
And before that everybody was terrified of carbs. Like, everybody was on the Atkins diet. I know this because I worked at Subway when wraps were a big deal and people were like, ordering wraps with cheese and bacon because NO CARBS and they'd get a Diet Coke and I was just like, how is this helping you lose weight??? But really, anything that allows me to gorge myself on bacon and cheese is ok with me so many Atkins isn't that bad.
Then people were like, oh, let's eat paleo and gluten free because everybody else is doing it! I think the gluten "allergy" drives me crazy more than any thing else. Don't get all mad at me for saying that, please. I know some people legitimately have gluten allergies but NOT EVERYBODY DOES. And I think if you want to eat gluten free just to be healthier you should just admit that and not pretend like you have an actual allergy. If I had Celiac disease I would be annoyed by people who were faking it.
And NOW, the fad disease that's sweeping the nation is Ebola. I completely understand that Ebola is a really big deal and it's a big problem and people die,and I'm not discounting that. What I don't understand is people being so afraid of Ebola. I get it if you live in or around the cities where people have contracted Ebola, but to my knowledge, nobody in CA has been infected. And if they have, well, denial isn't just a river in Egypt. So I don't really feel like there's any point in being afraid of it or worrying about it. Remember, worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but you don't get anywhere.
With that, let me just give you a little rundown of things I'm more afraid of than being infected with Ebola.
-The pipes at Keith's parents' house freezing (because winter and snow and mountaintops) and me not knowing what to do and their house getting completely ruined and them hating me and banishing me.
-Being abducted by Jigsaw.
-Slipping my bare foot into a shoe and feeling a massive (and obviously poisonous) spider.
-Stepping on a spider barefoot, period.
-A snake hiding in the toilet and biting my derriere in the middle of the night when I go do my bidness.
-The brakes in my car going out while I'm driving downhill on the curvy mountain road.
-Taking a sip of water and seeing a spider in my cup.
-Accidentally double tapping a picture on an Instagram that I don't follow (oops that happened over the weekend).
-Never finding a job and being unemployed for-e-ver.
-All my teeth falling out.
-Something bad happening to the dogs while I'm with them.
-And probably most importantly: being hit by a bus.


  1. What is Jigsaw? My best friend Caitlin caught real-life swine flu in college and lied that she just had a cold so she could take her brainiac science finals. True story. Even though I live in the epicenter of the American ebola crisis, I was only worried about it for like an hour one night when I questioned whether it was safe to buy a rotisserie chicken from Tom Thumb or if I’d have to actually cook something for dinner.

  2. OMG JIGSAW. I am and have been very scared of that since the first movie came out.. which was 10 years ago BTW. We are old.

  3. I think all you have to do to keep pipes from freezing is to make sure you keep the heat on when it goes below freezing so there's warm air moving through them. Not sure if this is applicable to water pipes. Maybe just run the hot water from every tap once a day when it dips to freezing temps? I dunno actually, you probably shouldn't listen to me.

  4. The double tap on IG is a real fear! When I'm looking at someones pictures from forever ago I'm so paranoid I'm going to double tap a pic and they will realize I was completely stalking them haha

  5. Fakers gonna fake fake fake.

    I love this list. And most of these things are probably more likely to happen anyways, especially being abducted by Jigsaw. (I mean that in the most professional way, as I type this sitting inside a state health department.) Haha but really, as long as everyone continues to be smart about it, we should be fine!

  6. I have an irrational fear of stepping on a slug in my bare feet. I get the spider thing.

  7. Kinda like today.. when I found a snake in the library, and it disappeared only to reappear an hour or so later. I will be checking that dang toilet EVERY DAY.

  8. It's like you read my mind... I keep meaning to write a post on the ridiculousness of fearing Ebola. I mean, yeah it's a real and awful disease in Africa (and what's happening there is definitely serious and tragic) but as of right now, no one except for people working directly with Ebola patients has come down with it in the US! I'm just not that scared of it right now, and for a while I felt like I was the only one and that maybe something was wrong with me for NOT being afraid of it.

  9. hahaha this is awesome! #firstworldprobs

  10. I have thought the snake thing too. I feel like I saw it in a movie as a child or something.

  11. I am seriously contemplating putting "professionally unemployed" on my resume. Guh!
    Beardy Heart Beauty

  12. Snake in the toilet! I'm glad I'm not the only one hahaha

  13. I THINK ABOUT SNAKES IN THE TOILET ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. - I'm pretty convinced that people on gluten free diets become healthier because they are eating healthier. Because a lot of junk food has gluten in it. It's like MAGIC. Magical gluten. Do they even know what gluten is?
    - I hear from northerners (and my old apartment complex, and the news during #Hothlanta #snowpocalypse2010and2014) that if you leave the faucets dripping, you reduce the risk of burst pipes from freezing. Snow is scary.
    - My dad got bitten by a spider on his foot once when he put on his "yard work" tennis shoes that he left in the garage. He never wore socks with them (ew). It got really swollen and really gross looking and he actually slept in a cot in the living room because mom was so grossed out by it.
    - I haven't stepped on a spider barefoot but I have stepped on a roach barefoot. This usually happens right after the exterminator comes, because the roaches die at night and lay on their backs with their feet wiggling. And feet wiggling is what you feel when you step on them. At night. In the dark. Turn on your lights when you go to pee.
    - Stalk instagram profiles in grid mode so you don't risk double tapping. If you must see the picture up close, proceed with caution and scroll down by grabbing either above or under the picture.
    - that dog looks kind of like Gee from Venus Trapped in Mars

  15. I'm SOOOO glad you said the snake one because that is one of my absolute worst fears in the history of forever. Wasn't there a movie or something where that happened?

  16. Yes to the spiders and to the snake in the toilet.
    I actually watched an episode of Cops once where the snake thing happened and they were called to come get the snake out of the toilet. Ever since watching that episode I always ALWAYS check the toilet before sitting down.

  17. Ha! Did you know that losing all your teeth is a very common fear and nightmare? Go figure, I never had that dream until I started dating my dentist (now husband). Regardless, SUCH. A horrifying nightmare! Apparently it has something to do with losing control?

  18. First, if it's supposed to get below freezing, leave your faucets dripping. Second, JIGSAW SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Third, my ridiculous fear is that Derek is going to smother me in the night, which really isn't out of the question since he has punched me a few times.

  19. Ooh goodness. All these diets.
    I have coeliac disease. Gluten makes me sick and gluten free food is my medicine. Period. And all these people who think they will be healthy by eating gf do annoy me. Well, not even that. They offend me. They have all the options in the world to eat whatever that is better than gluten free, and here am I, and I have no options at all. I have to eat gluten free. If I don't I will have chronic inflammation in the gut which leads to a higher risk for certain cancers. Nothing to play around with.
    Gluten allergies don't exist. I promise. There is wheat allergy and gluten intolerance=coeliac disease but science doesn't know anything called gluten allergy. Seriously, and people who eat gluten free without being coeliac scare me, because they won't care about bread crumbs in the butter or traces of gluten or proper handling of food, because little crumbs won't make them sick. It makes me sick in the long run, so if the respect for keeping gluten free food truly gluten free decreases in the food industry, it's like taking the Metoprolol away from those who have irregular heart rhythm, or the insulin away from those with diabetes. Because the gluten free food is our medicine and people need to respect that.

    I guess this is my way of saying that I loved your post and that I ahree with it and all that. I'm so fed up with all these weird diets. By the way gluten free food isn't healthier because it's usually higher in sugar and it lacks fibres and certain vitamins.

  20. OMG one time I put on my shoe and was walking around my house continuing to get ready. I kept feeling something weird in my shoe so I finally sat down and took my shoe off. AND OUT POPPED A GIANT ASS GRASSHOPPER!!! I was so disgusted. But my question now is, how on earth was there THAT much room in my shoe for a giant grasshopper to be moving around and how did I not squish it when I put my foot in there?! OMG it was almost 10 years ago and it still creeps me out

  21. AH now I'm going to think about spiders in my shoes biting my bare feet ALL THE TIME!!!!!