If you're reading this, then I actually got my shiz together and scheduled a post before I leave to visit Keith. Either that or he gave me the password to his computer and I'm blogging in my pjs while he's at work, but it's most likely the former. What am I doing today? Well, I'm taking 51 copies of my resume with me all over the mountain towns and telling unsuspecting business owners/managers, "HERE I AM HIRE ME I AM VERY HIRE-ABLE AND STUFF HIRE ME HIRE ME HIRE ME." And then I will go back to Keith's house and watch tv until he gets home at like 8pm.
What businesses am I going to go to? I don't know, specifically. Anywhere and everywhere that is closed on nights, weekends, and holidays. So if you could all say some prayers for me that I get the perfect job sometime like, this month, that would be awesome. Either that or I'll just go ahead and elope and stick myself onto Keith's insurance plan and be a Real Housewife of the Mountaintop. I'd be great at it, I bet.
Speaking of things I'd be great at, I took the liberty of coming up with some things that I really wish I could get paid for. Like, paid enough to make a living.
I'm pretty good at googling. I used to have a friend who would text me things because she knew I'd google until I found the answer, and that way she didn't have to do any work. Like, I'd get a text asking, "What's the population of Nigeria?" and four seconds later I'd send her the answer. Or, "What's that song that about the starships and stuff?" and I'd find it. I'm SO good at googling. Plus, I can google while I watch Netflix. (Say "google" one more time, Juliette.) This actually segues really well into my next ideal job...
Professional Netflix Watcher.
But I want to be the kind of watcher who just tells you which shows are worth your time. I don't want to have to sit through seasons of shows I totally hate... I want to watch things like Dexter, House of Cards, Gilmore Girls, etc etc etc and so on and so forth. So if somebody wants to pay me to write reviews of Netflix shows I like, you can e-mail me at email@example.com and we'll talk pricing. Also are you providing me with popcorn or do I have to get that myself?
Who doesn't love a good GIF? WHO? EVERYBODY loves GIFs. I could spend all day searching for GIFs, and I think I should, because when I googled "best GIF ever gifs" this is the first thing that popped up:
I just really want to know what that guy said to piss that cat off so much.
And the runner-up for "best GIF ever gif"? Ladies and ladies, I present to you:
I don't even ... a cartoon trying to seduce me with his dance moves? With bullets strapped to his chest? And is that a fanny-pack or a gun attached to his hip? Maybe it's a cell phone... or a pager? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY DID THAT POP UP?
If we're going to watch a sexy dance, it should probably be something like Jermaine from Flight of the Conchords. Dude nails it every time.
Is Jeopardy on Netflix yet? I bet if somebody paid me to watch Netflix I'd know the answer to that question. OH WAIT, I could just google it! I googled. It's not. And I didn't even get paid for that. WHAT A STUPID RIP-OFF.
Professional people-watcher and outfit-critiquer.
I would just love to get paid to sit outside of Starbucks or anywhere else with food and/or beverages and watch the passersby and critique their outfits. Not "judge," that sounds to negative. I just want to notice if people are following the trends, or creating new styles, or if it's possible for anybody to actually wear overalls and not look like Blossom or one of the Mowry girls from Sister, Sister.