Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Crankypants

I am so cranky today. I think it's just one of those weeks and every little thing is getting on my nerves. Please join me in feeling sorry for everybody who comes into contact with me this week because I don't think it will be a very pleasant experience for anybody... especially for a certain passive aggressive person who insists on asking me to get him or her a cup of coffee by saying, "Do we have any of that coffee left?" or "I sure could go for a cuppa joe right about now!"

I'm sure the best thing to do would be to just ignore my blog today and work on my attitude buuuuuut I'm never one to choose the most logical course of action so instead I'm going to share all the things that are getting on my nerves right now so you can either be like, "OMG you totes have reasons to be annoyed," or "wow you really need to just loosen your bra and take a chill pill."
+ Every time I take a shower, I feel like I'm back in college*. My mom's style of decorating is "bare and minimalist," which means she likes the house to basically look like nobody lives there. Seriously. My parents kitchen has a lot of counter space on it and the only things on the counter are: a bottle of hand soap (in a pretty bottle that matches the main color of beige), a towel on a hanger, and a basket of bananas. I think it was a fight to get my mom to agree to the basket of bananas but I'm pretty sure my dad was like, "Look, if you want me to make your breakfast every day -- your breakfast which includes bananas -- you're going to have to let me make the bananas easily accessible to me and that means letting them stay out in the open on the counter so that everybody who comes into our home will see them." And my mom was like, "Ok fine." She even likes the inside of the fridge to be as bare as possible (food? who needs chilled food?) and she's constantly going through it saying, "Juel, do you really need this half of an avocado or can I throw it away?" and I'm like, "Mom, that's like $1.50 worth of avocado right there, please leave it," and she's like, "Well ok but how about these 6 cans of Dr. Pepper, can I throw those away?" and I'm like, "Mom those aren't mine but I would leave them there because they're brand new cans of Dr. Pepper and throwing them away would be wasteful," and my mom's like, "I just want things to be bare and empty and pretty." But weirdly, she likes to have like 12 throw pillows on the sofa which totally contrasts with her "bare and minimalist" decorating style.

All of that to say that my mom doesn't like to leave shower things in the actual shower. I'm allowed to leave my loofah in there because I replaced my hot pink one with an off-white one (again with the beige color scheme), but my bottles of lotions and potions? They're locked in a cupboard until I decide my body reeks enough to take a shower. So when I go to take a shower I have to take my towel and clothes to change into and set my shower up and then when I'm done I have to wipe of the glass shower doors (WATER SPOTS ARE THE DEVIL) and dry my bottles and put them away and then get dressed while my skin is still damp. Normally I would just walk around in my birthday suit but well, now I live with my parents and I don't really think it's appropriate for any nudity to occur and is it just me or did this blog post just take a turn into awkwards-ville?
So anyway, I feel like I'm back in college because I have to share a bathroom and I can't leave all of my stuff in the shower when I'm not in there. And I just miss the days where I didn't have to plan so much for my showers.
+ Bikers and college kids and people who generally don't know the rules of the road. Can we all just agree that bikers are the worst? If you're a biker it's ok to be offended, but could you also just agree that it's true? Now that college classes have started there are all these bikers trying to get to school and they're cutting me off and I'm terrified that when I'm trying to turn one of them will just come out of nowhere and I'll barrel into them and I don't know who would be at fault in that situation but I really hope it wouldn't be me. Also I hope that it never happens. PSA to bikers: There is a BIKE LANE for a reason. USE IT. If people using the road were parts of a loaf of bread, drivers would be the middle pieces that everybody uses first, motorcyclists would be the heel, and bikers are the crumbs that are left over that you don't even feed to the ducks at the pond when the bread goes stale.
+ I had a dream last night that my landlord gave me back my security deposit and he gave me $8,000 because I'm such a nice person. Obviously this one is self explanatory.
That ostrich is a b-word, just like the fact that I don't have $8,000.
+ I'm getting wrinkles. Crows feet, forehead wrinkles... and I don't know what to do about that so could you please recommend a good anti-aging or wrinkle cream or whatever that won't break the bank? And that I can get at Target? And that smells good?
+ I keep shilling and shilling and asking you guys for stuff. I have several sponsored posts coming up, and I know a lot of people hate those, and I'm sorry. The reality is that I'm trying to save save save for something that's coming up and I'll tell you about it soon but for now I just have to be vague and ask you to click here and here and here and here because if you don't click, I don't get paid. And if you hate that I'm asking you for stuff, well we can just skip right over that and still be friends. Does that sound ok to you? I hope so. Click.
+ I have a lot of cleaning to do. I haven't had time to really clean my room since I moved home because I've been really busy catching up on The Blacklist and playing candy crush. My brothers and sister-in-law are coming into town this weekend for a family birthday celebration and I have to give up my bedroom (which is fine, that's not bugging me) and I have to actually clean it but there's so much to clean and organize that all I can do it just lie down and stare at the ceiling and let the overwhelming feelings wash over me like a flood. Maybe later I'll explain why I'm such a procrastinator.

That's all. Don't you love it when I'm so open and honest about things?
*I love my mom and I know that anything I do is far more annoying than her "bare and minimalist" tendencies.

17 comments:

  1. I would never, ever shower if I had to go through all that nonsense. Isn’t showering by itself work enough? Let alone having to clean the shower afterwards and put away all your gels and lotions and potions. Good Lord. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. I vote you incentivize yourself to clean with a nice, strong sneaktail waiting for you at the end of the cleaning sesh.

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  2. Slather coconut oil all over your face post high maintenance shower. And also cut up little capsules of vitamin E oil, that stuff is amaze balls too. Then split the imaginary $8000 with me as compensation for my recommendations. I'm willing to go halvsies.

    PS I will always go click crazy on your sponsored posts because that's how I got me some free tampons that now make up my purse stash. #winning cause tamps are expensive.

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  3. Anyone who uses crankypants is a kind person in my book because I usually warn Jason by saying that I'm teetering on the edge of crazy, raging bitch and please just don't speak or anything because I'll bite his head off then shoot him with lasers out of my eyes.

    Also, I clicked every link to make sure that you know we're friends. Actually, I told you about clicking the links to make sure you know we're friends.

    Finally, I am not crankypants or teetering on the edge of bitchdom today, instead I am incredibly sarcastic and think I'm the funniest woman to walk the face of the earth. And with that, I sign off.

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  4. LOL at your mom's bare and minimalist tendencies. She means well...? hahaha! Also, I would totally die if I had to fetch someone's coffee at work, so I give you a pass on your cranky-ness!

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  5. I'm so intrigued by your mom's obsession with the beige minimalist aesthetic. I think you should provide some photos so we can picture in your current habitat when you tell these amusing antidotes. PS. The asshole ostrich gif is hilarious!

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  6. Your mom would HATE ME! I'm pretty sure she would cringe just walking inside my house -- stuff everywhere. COLOR everywhere. And I leave my things in the shower. Sometimes, I even find a completely empty shampoo bottle ... next to the one that's half empty and being used. Oops. But if she wants to come help me figure out how to declutter my kitchen counters, that would be AMAZEBALLS.

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  7. Clicked for you girl! Curious to hear what you're saving up for though ;)

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  8. Oh, crankypants. I use that word with my husband a lot. I taught him that word actually. Everyone should get back $8,000 just because. And let me know your ways of how I get people to help me save. Clicked the links of course!

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  9. I don't think I could live in a house with your mom. She would absolutely despise my bathroom counter, and our shower that sometimes has two or three of the same KIND of product in it! Yikes. That sounds awful.

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  10. One of two things is happening with your mom. 1) She is really OCD and a not a "bare minimalist" because you are totally right a minimalist would NEVER have that many pillows. 2) Your mom is trying to get you to move out.

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  11. I need to know your secret life changes happening. I have a suspicion. Please email me back and let me know. Since, you know, I can't text you. #cries

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  12. I'm sorry. I couldn't make it past the shower story. Like I was so shocked that you have to dry the bottles off and put them in a cabinet after every shower. I hate having to do that when I'm going on vacation, I couldn't imagine EVERY SINGLE DAY. Tell Kathy (can I call her that, or should I still call her Katherene?) that's really inconvenient.... ALSO... CLICK CLICK CLICK <3

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  13. As I was reading this I was nodding my head and thinking "I'm really cranky today, too!" I don't know why, because I was able to see Chicago Fire first thing in the morning (fell asleep early last night). We can all be cranky. It took me a bunch of texts and reaffirming messages... my crankiness began to dissipate though. Hope you're feeling better!

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  14. Okay – dealing with that shower routine would drive me apeshit. You want me to take the bottles out and bring them to the shower, and then I have to take them all out in 5 minutes when I’m done AND wipe the shower door? I’m too lazy for that. Your mom would hate living in my house. I have empty shampoo bottles from last month sitting in there because I’m that lazy (yes it’s pathetic).

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  15. Can you take photos of your house because I'm very intrigued by all this beigeness. If I lived there your mom would kick me out because I'm the clumsiest person and therefore I cannot have beige or white things.

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