Yesterday I was having a conversation with a person in my office who(m?) recently returned from a trip to Paris, and is convinced he now knows everything there is to know about Paris, wine, and the region of Bordeaux. Now that he's back he also insists on calling it "ParEEEEE" and saying "Bonjour!" every morning. However, today I had to explain to him the difference between a macaron and a macaroon and I think that took his level of cockiness down a bit. Maybe. The following conversation was had (thankfully after I had already had my minimum two mugsfull of coffee):
Person: I'm going wine tasting on Sunday.
Me: That's nice.
Person: I'm a little nervous about it.
Me: That's a bummer.
Person: It's just that I drank so much French wine that now I don't think I'll enjoy wine tasting in The States.
Me: That might be the most pretentious statement I've ever heard you say.
Person: [laughs] It's true! I think I'm ruined from American wine. I want a Bordeaux.
Me: Oh I feel so sorry for you, having to drink stupid American wine alongside your caviar and foie gras that your butler serves to you on a golden platter.
Person: I actually smuggled some foie gras back from ParEEEE and have some at my house right now.
Me: [barfing noises] [and also multiple eye rolls]
He then sat there awkwardly for a few minutes while I tried to give him subtle hints that he needed to leave my part of the office, and then I got to thinking about other things I think are pretentious. And guess what? NOW I GET TO WRITE OUT ANOTHER LIST AND PUT IT ON THE INTERWEBS FOR YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME. I'M SO KIND AND GENEROUS.
+ Kanye West.
+ Only drinking one specific type of wine or specific label or something very specific. IT'S WINE. YOU DRINK THE WINE.
+ "I'm gluten-free." Unless a doctor told you you should stop eating gluten for legitimate health reasons, you are just a bandwagon dieter and whatever because more wheat for me.
+ Using the word "summer" as a verb. Get out of my face.
+ Wearing non-prescription glasses and constantly quoting philosophers.
+ Hating anything popular. Music, television, books... I mean seriously, do not tell me you hate Breaking Bad or The Hunger Games or Game of Thrones or Orange is the New Black... because it makes me want to punch you and you are a liar and you are not above me.
+ Saying anybody who has seen the Harry Potter movies but not read the books isn't a real Harry Potter fan. COMPLETELY TRUE but pretentious nonetheless.
+ Exclusively eating raw food. YOU ARE NOT A RABBIT.
+ Scott Disick.
+ Using a big word and patting people on the head in condescension when they don't know what that word means. Ex: "Axiomatic."
+ Owning a boat.
+ Reminding everyone you own a boat.
+ Have a Roman numeral in your name.
+ Constantly talk about how things are done differently in other countries. "Well, you know, in BELGIUM they make their waffles this way." "In FRANCE they wouldn't dare dip their fries in ketchup." "Nobody would DARE tip a waiter or waitress in ParEEEEE."
That's all I can think of because I'm tired. This is also not meant to be taken seriously. It's a joke. If you're offended it's probably because you're pretentious and you do some of things. (The Harry Potter one is excusable.)