Thursday, August 14, 2014

Sit your pretentious butt down

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a person in my office who(m?) recently returned from a trip to Paris, and is convinced he now knows everything there is to know about Paris, wine, and the region of Bordeaux. Now that he's back he also insists on calling it "ParEEEEE" and saying "Bonjour!" every morning. However, today I had to explain to him the difference between a macaron and a macaroon and I think that took his level of cockiness down a bit. Maybe. The following conversation was had (thankfully after I had already had my minimum two mugsfull of coffee):

Person: I'm going wine tasting on Sunday.
Me: That's nice.
Person: I'm a little nervous about it.
Me: That's a bummer.
Person: It's just that I drank so much French wine that now I don't think I'll enjoy wine tasting in The States.
Me: That might be the most pretentious statement I've ever heard you say.
Person: [laughs] It's true! I think I'm ruined from American wine. I want a Bordeaux.
Me: Oh I feel so sorry for you, having to drink stupid American wine alongside your caviar and foie gras that your butler serves to you on a golden platter.
Person: I actually smuggled some foie gras back from ParEEEE and have some at my house right now.
Me: [barfing noises] [and also multiple eye rolls]



He then sat there awkwardly for a few minutes while I tried to give him subtle hints that he needed to leave my part of the office, and then I got to thinking about other things I think are pretentious. And guess what? NOW I GET TO WRITE OUT ANOTHER LIST AND PUT IT ON THE INTERWEBS FOR YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME. I'M SO KIND AND GENEROUS.
+ Kanye West.




+ Only drinking one specific type of wine or specific label or something very specific. IT'S WINE. YOU DRINK THE WINE. 
+ "I'm gluten-free." Unless a doctor told you you should stop eating gluten for legitimate health reasons, you are just a bandwagon dieter and whatever because more wheat for me.
+ Using the word "summer" as a verb. Get out of my face.
+ Wearing non-prescription glasses and constantly quoting philosophers.

+ Name-dropping.

+ Hating anything popular. Music, television, books... I mean seriously, do not tell me you hate Breaking Bad or The Hunger Games or Game of Thrones or Orange is the New Black... because it makes me want to punch you and you are a liar and you are not above me.

+ Saying anybody who has seen the Harry Potter movies but not read the books isn't a real Harry Potter fan. COMPLETELY TRUE but pretentious nonetheless.

+ Exclusively eating raw food. YOU ARE NOT A RABBIT.

+ Scott Disick.

+ Using a big word and patting people on the head in condescension when they don't know what that word means. Ex: "Axiomatic."

+ Owning a boat.

+ Reminding everyone you own a boat.

+ Have a Roman numeral in your name.

+ Constantly talk about how things are done differently in other countries. "Well, you know, in BELGIUM they make their waffles this way." "In FRANCE they wouldn't dare dip their fries in ketchup." "Nobody would DARE tip a waiter or waitress in ParEEEEE."

That's all I can think of because I'm tired. This is also not meant to be taken seriously. It's a joke. If you're offended it's probably because you're pretentious and you do some of things. (The Harry Potter one is excusable.)

38 comments:

  1. Hahahaha I love this!!! Pretentious people make me want to scream as I chug my cheap beer and eat all of the gluten I can get my hands on!

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  2. I was being really productive until I saw this and I tried to ignore it and keep being productive, but I couldn't! But I'm kind of happy about that because this was really funny. Also, I'm impressed with Mr. ParEEEE's pretentiousness.

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  3. I would probably be totally on board with how different cultures eat their food, but if someone's using that as an excuse to not tip a server, then we're done. I will not speak to them again. I am pleased with how few of these apply to me. Non-pretentious, 4-evah!!!

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  4. Wow. I have a very similar situation in my office and I have started the ignoring process to see if that helps. Good luck girl!

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  5. haha this is amazing!..is it bad that I secretly think Lord Disick is pretty entertaining!

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  6. Awwww did you excuse the Harry Potter one just for me? :) I'm working on the books, I really am.

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  7. OHHH HELL YES TO ALL OF THIS. i could write an entire post about being gluten free. like please stfu. i get every emotional about this bc I'm weird. but that guy i would want to punch him.

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  8. I am so happy that the Harry Potter one is excusable. I agree with all the others!

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  9. UGH I loathe stupid wine snobs. When they say they "only drink such-and-such wine" I want to fill their glass with something else, watch them drink it and be like HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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  10. Bahahaha, I love this list. And you!

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  11. We own a boat. Actually if you want to get specific, two boats, three jetskis, and one racing stand-up jet ski. Also my parents have two boats. Boats boats boats. BOATS AND HOES.

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  12. That person needs smacked in the face with a stapler.

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  13. Hahaha this is great! I think I might have been slightly guilty of some of the gone to Europe pretentiousness when I got back a few years ago, but this guy is something else! I also couldn't agree more about the Harry Potter one. It IS TRUE and I will be pretentious about it!

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  14. BUT the HP one...I did rant about this girl once who said she was a HUGE HP fan and even had it tattooed on her, but she didn't like Dobby and hadn't read the books...it just ahhh.

    But yes to everything else ha!

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  15. WHAT. Do people like this really exist? Where do they come from? You mean if I were to offer this gentleman a sip of my Yellow Tail Pinot Noir he would say NO? I don't understand.

    Also I was like "YES, YES, AMEN" to this list until I saw Scott Disick. Completely disagree. I love The Lord.

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  16. Yep. Definitely Kanye West and hating popular things "just because".

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  17. Ha ha ha I love the rant posts! Btw you finally made me realize the difference between macaroon and macaron....

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  18. If someone who hasn't read the books and has only watched the movies tries to talk Harry Potter to me I get stabby. And give me the cheapest wine on the shelf and I'm a happy camper - no wine snobbery here

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  19. Haha the Harry Potter one is probably the only one that I do. But I don't know that I've ever said it, just thought it...

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  20. Anytime someone tells me they are gluten free I want to throw bread at them.

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  21. I really love this, like ALOT it makes me want to hug you♥ I think the only thing I never do is drink red wine, but I'll drink all the white and blush wine possible... that ok? LOL . And I know 2 people (cousins) that are actually allergic to Gluten and basically have to live in a bubble with all of their allergies. LOL

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  22. I appreciate Sassy Juliette SO much. How funny is it that two of the three significant others of the Kardashian sisters are on your list? Cowinkydink? I think not. (also, people who say things like cowinkydinky can be added to said list)

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  23. Hahaha, oh how I love this! I am sure said co-worker was only there for two weeks maximum? I do have to say Scott Disick is my very pretentious item on your list. He takes the cake.

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  24. How does one use summer as a verb?

    Anyway, I love wheat. Bread. Gluten. YUUUMMM.

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  25. You are so right. About all of it. Especially the gluten thing!

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  27. People that say they're "going travelling" when in fact they are just going on vacation like the rest of us!

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  28. I went to see the final Harry Potter movie with some friends who were MOVIE fans not TRUE fans and the cried at the end (because, um, hello, it's sad/touching) and I yelled at them like "YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE CRYING. I SHOULD BE THE ONLY ONE CRYING HERE BECAUSE I HAVE LOVED THIS SERIES SINCE I WAS 10 YEARS OLD AND THIS IS THE END OF MY CHILDHOOD. SHUT YOUR FACE." But luckily, they are used to my dramatics. Point being, there are some things I am proud to be a snob about and Harry Potter is one of them.

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  29. Yes to all of this. And kudos to you for calling the dude out on being pretentious instead of feeding into the pity or awe (not sure which) he was obviously fishing for.

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  30. Unfortunately I am guilty of a few of these: I can't stand anything but fruity red wine. I sometimes name-drop because for half of my life I lived among famous people and now I live among cows. No, like literal cows. And I am guilty of talking about how things are done in different countries. I lived in southern Mexico for a while so I tend to get stabby when people think Mexican food is Taco Bell or when they pronounce the Ls in Tortilla ... and as for one of the comments above WHO THE HELL DOESN'T LIKE DOBBY?!?!?!

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  31. I don't believe anyone who tells me they don't like Orange is the New Black. OBVIOUSLY they're just trying to be disagreeable by saying blasphemous things like that!

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  32. if it were office appropriate i would have dick punched him.

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  33. I choose my wine based upon price, the name (funnier always wins), and the label. I like ones with cool labels. I actually just bought one because it had a sticker that said "PICK ME!" I felt obligated to pick it. And it was only $8. And guess what? It tasted wonderful!

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