Friday, August 22, 2014

A blonde tries to use an elliptical...

THERE ARE GROSS PICTURES OF A BRUISE IN THIS POST, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

Last night I was looking at my legs and I saw a bruise on my left knee from when I fell down that mountain, a bruise on my left shin from when I got beaned by a softball on Monday night, that weird bug bite/rash thing on my right leg, and a couple of other bruises that are mysterious and I couldn't tell you where they came from. The bruise from softball is pretty bad, but the worst part is that it's really numb. Anyway, today I'm going to tell you the story of the worst bruise I've ever gotten. I think it's a pretty good story. 

Back in January of 2011 I was pretty into fitness. So into fitness that I even joined a gym. SO into fitness that sometimes I'd go to the gym twice in one day just to feel the burn and the sweat and also maybe because I'd heard that the gym is a great place to meet a man. I usually did my cardio on the treadmill because I could set it at a high incline and just walk and still feel like I was getting a good workout even if I wasn't because I was going like really slow. Sometimes I'd jog on the treadmill because I wanted to be "a runner." Whenever I saw pictures of people falling on treadmills I'd roll my eyes because I mean, how dumb do you have to be to fall off of a piece of gym equipment? Ugh. PEOPLE.


One evening I went to the gym around 7pm (because that's when Jeopardy! was on and I wanted to watch it while I worked out) and apparently e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. goes to the gym at that time because it was packed. There were 0 treadmills available, but there were a few elliptical machines, so I was like UGH FINE and I got a magazine and my headphones and set to work on the elliptical. I hate the elliptical because it's way too easy to half-ass it and not actually get a work out. That's probably mostly because of my inherent laziness though. So anyway, Jeopardy! was on a commercial and I was reading my magazine and both of my hands were on the magazine which left nothing to give me balance on the elliptical. Then I started going faster, and faster, and all of a sudden


That's not what happened. I've just been searching for a GIF of somebody falling off an elliptical and I can't fine one. What happened was I was going pretty fast and I wasn't using my hands and...I slipped. My left leg went in between the pedals and the pedals weren't about to be stopped by something as stupid as my leg, so they kept going and going and going like the freaking energizer bunny and my leg was just stuck there and nobody came to help me even though the gym was packed and there was a guy on an elliptical two machines away from me who I know saw me because we made eye contact. I finally got the machine to stop and I pulled my leg out and tried to compose myself and then got mad that nobody came to help the dumb blonde with her leg stuck in between the elliptical pedals.

I had to go up to the front desk and explain what happened and you guys I swear the girl was trying her hardest not to laugh because really who falls off an elliptical machine?

"...you fell off the elliptical? How did that even happen?"

SHUT UP LADY. IT HAPPENED BECAUSE I WAS BEING VERY INTENSE AND FIT.

They gave me ice and I went home and took this picture.


I sent a text to my nurse aunt who told me to RICE it (rest, ice, compression, elevation) and that my whole leg would probably bruise because of all the blood and gravity or something. I was like, "Yeah, ok. That's not going to happen."

Ha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa. Ha.

A few days later, my leg looked like this.


And then a few days later, it looked like this.


And then later is the best picture I have of it, which still doesn't even show the full amount of disgusting my leg was and I'm pissed because I had lots more gross pictures on my old Android but I took it out to the pool one day while I was sunbathing and my phone like, got cooked from the sun and it stopped working.


My entire leg was a bruise. It was bruised all the way around and down on my foot and I had a huge cankle and a lump where the elliptical pedals had pushed and shoved my leg so much that they deformed it and one of the girls I was nannying said, "Wow, you look like the guy in Beastley," and another girl said, "You're not going to get a boyfriend with a leg like THAT."

It's been 3 1/2 years and I still have that lump on my leg BTW.

I really wanted to go back to the gym and ask if they had any video of the incident on their security cameras but I chickened out and I'm really regretting that now because I think that could have been my ticket to getting made into a GIF.

So anyway that's the story of my worst bruise ever and this is also a PSA to be very careful if you ever use an elliptical. You don't even really have to be that careful, you mostly just have to keep at least one hand on the machine because it's embarrassing for somebody to say, "Why is your leg so lumpy?" and to have to reply with, "Oh... uhhh I fell off an elliptical 3 1/2 years ago," and for them to laugh at you because they think you must be joking.

Jerks.

Happy weekend Keith and I are vlogging tonight.

21 comments:

  1. Ouch. That definitely looks painful. But I guarantee you're not the first person to do it. Oh, and I can't wait for the vlog!!

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  2. See, physical exertion of any kind is actually really dangerous. I can’t believe no one helped you. If I’d been there I would TOTALLY have helped you…right after I finished laughing. Oh and those bruise pictures were really terrifying, thanks for sharing them with the internet.

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  3. I think bruises are signs of bad-assery. But maybe you should create a cooler, more 'I'm a badass' story to go along with the badass bruise. I bruise easily, and often. Sometimes I like to make up stories because saying I ran into a door frame for the 11th time is lame.
    PS. I was laughing so hard at that first treadmill gif

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  4. HOW CAN THIS EVEN HAPPEN?
    You win for bruises, my friend. I thought MY legs were bad, because I have 4 bruises right now and usually average 6-8 bruises at any given time.. but this... this is on a whole new level, which I hope to never reach.

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  5. WOW, I've never seen a bruise that bad! I'm glad you survived.

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  6. Ouch!!! I have fallen off a treadmill before, but it hurt my pride more than it hurt my body. I can't believe no one came to help you or even asked if you were alright!? Most people are too nosy at the gym so I can't believe there was no one all over you! If it makes you feel better I have a perma-bump and bruise on my leg too from where I hit a foul ball in softball into my shin. Yeah that really happened... anyways thanks for sharing!

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  7. I think you should reenact falling off an elliptical for gif purposes.

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  8. hahaha I'm sorry I don't mean to laugh because I'm sure it was painful as shit but that's a really good story. Hey at least it makes for a good story now :)

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  9. Holy jeez. Now THAT is a bruise... I am super accident-prone (I cut my hand open on a SHAMPOO BOTTLE once) but I don't think even *I* have had a bruise that big!

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  10. Wanna know why you couldn't find a gif of someone falling off an elliptical? BECAUSE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. JK that was a little mean and rude and I'm sorry you were hurt and bruised like that. But I will say, if you have difficulties like that, I suggest you stay away from those stair machines... those... i just can't do them.

    And. when are you and Keith vlogging? I need to make sure to send my questions at just the right time.. after 2-3 cups of wine, but before you start the taping

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  11. I am so so so sorry, but I laughed, like had tears forming laughed from this! If it makes you feel better I have witnessed people falling off of a treadmill and an elliptical all in one night.

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  12. hahahaaa holy cow. your aunt is a genius.

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  13. omg ouch! that looks so painful, and i love how many pictures you have of it. i may or may not photograph some of my more "interesting" injuries too.

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  14. That is something that would happen to me! I am not coordinated on those machines at all! Looks freakin painful.

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  15. I needed to read this post. I just started to get back to the gym and I am so clumsy, so I can see myself doing the same thing.

    Tiffancy

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  16. ouch! Treadmill and elliptical machines freak me out. I have a major fear of falling off.

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