Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Theater Wine

Last night I saw Divergent. Divergent? Divergent? "Divergent"? I always forget if titles of moves are supposed to be italicized, underlined, in quotes, or something different. Whatever. You know what I mean. So last night, I saw Divergent. At 5:45pm. And it was uhhhhhhhmazing. Or amazing, take your pick. Basically, I was sitting there watching everything happen and since it's been well over a year since I read the book I didn't remember what was going to happen and it was awesome.
 
And at the beginning I was like OH MY GOSH FITZ FROM SCANDAL IS TRIS'S DAD! AND HE STILL DOESN'T HAVE EYEBROWS! Seriously, somebody help that guy out. I feel like he really needs eyebrows.
 
And then I was like, wow, Tris's mom looks super familiar. Why? It's Ashley Judd, in case you're wondering, but that meant nothing to me. I think maybe she looks like Catherine Zeta Jones and I was just thinking of the movie Chicago, maybe?
 
Also, Kate Winslet was in the movie and she definitely did NOT look like Rose like, at all. And it just made me want to go watch Titanic.
 
And then every 3 minutes I was like WHOA SOMETHING COOL IS HAPPENING. And Shailene Woodley has beautiful eyelashes and I would like them. Also she made me want to get a tattoo on my collarbone.
 
And Theo James.
 
And at the end I was so happy with the movie that I basically looked like this girl from ANTM when she almost got kicked off but then Tyra had a heart and kept her.
 
 
Ok, but let's back up a little bit. Have you guys ever heard of Theater Wine? It's probably not what you think. Or it might be, depending on what you're thinking. It is NOT when you go to a theater that serves wine and drink it legally and out in the open. Theater Wine is when you smuggle wine in to the theater in a purse. But not in the wine bottle. You hide it, like they did on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia when they poured the wine into Diet Coke cans. (That was smart because they got to drink Diet Coke and then wine, which are both the drinks of the gods.) I used a 32 oz. PowerAde bottle... which can hold more than just one bottle of wine. You should definitely take Theater Wine with you the next time you go to a movie. Just make sure you have a DD blah blah blah.
 

One thing I did NOT enjoy were the ignorant sluts seated behind us who insisted on talking and laughing loudly during the entire movie and making me think of this clip from Mad TV:


Except it wasn't funny. And I most definitely turned around and shushed them more than once, and then took a sip of my Theater Wine and felt like an old crotchety grandma who should have been at home soaking her dentures and angrily waving her cane at the kids to get off of her lawn.
 
It was lovely.
 
And then I was in bed by 9:30.
 
Have you seen Divergent? Do you sneak alcohol anywhere? Can I have yo' number?
 

27 comments:

  1. What? Who is this poor man and why doesn't he have any eyebrows??? Theater wine sounds amazing, I wish I knew about it sooner. Also let's add Theo James to the cheat list. K? K. Don't tell Andy.

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  2. So I just had to google Fitz's eyebrows and I am shocked he doesn't have any brows! His makeup artists are crappy to let that go on. Additionally, Whoopi has no eyebrows either, just thought you should know that. Also, theater wine is amazing as are premixed theater mimosas!

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  3. Why have I not thought of that brilliant idea before? I am going to see a movie this weekend just so I can do that. Seriously, WHY HAVE I NOT THOUGHT OF THIS?

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  4. I didn't realize til I was at Divergent that 90% of the people there would be 15 year old girls, and then I was super annoyed with the 15 year old girls in my row felt the need to get up and walk by us 5 times before the movie started. But once the movie started it was all worth it!

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  5. Ignorant sluts.. that's all I can think about. Also Fitz is perfect so shut your mouth hole.

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  6. I know about the theater wine, except I do not bother to transfer it to a new container, I just smuggle the whole bottle in. And then when I was seeing the second Twilight with my friends we accidentally knocked an empty bottle down from the back row and it loudly bounced to the bottom (probably why it is a good idea to transfer it to another container). I have also engaged in car wine (not legal in most states) and boat wine.

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  7. Theater wine is epic. Remember this? http://www.pinterest.com/pin/66568900715415652/

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  8. I want to see the movie! And I'm a huge fan of sneaking booze into the movies! It just tastes better when you're not supposed to have it! And screw ignorant sluts ruining movie fun! Hate them!

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  9. Im going to the movies this week and smugglig wine in with me. I feel like I learn so much from you. Youre my Yoda :)

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  10. Can I have yo number?? That shit cracks me up every time!
    I really, really, really want to go see Divergent really, really, really bad. I'm hoping to con my mom into watching my son so I can go :D Glad it was good!!

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  11. I did not like Divergent because it deviated SO insanely much from the book. It was entertaining, but I was pretty much annoyed the entire movie. Also - theater wine is awesome. And another also - I hate when people talk during movies, and girl, I would have been yelling at them with you!

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  12. I have only read the first sentence of this post and had to comment immediately to tell you that I totally agree on how amaaaaaaazing the movie was. I'm so obsessed. Back to reading...

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  13. When I went to see Catching Fire, there was an OBNOXIOUS amount of teenyboppers in there and my husband I were like 2 of 6 adults and THANK GOD the other 4 were sitting right in front of us because one of them was just as annoyed and yelled out, "OKAY CHILDREN. IT'S TIME TO SETTLE DOWN AND WATCH THE MOVIE NOW, SO SHUT UP." She was a blessing.

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  14. Theatre drinking is my favourite. Oh, the stories I could tell you about smuggling beer and vodka into theatres in my purse. This is why we need to live near each other. I'll work on convincing Justin to move to California with me to be close to you and... Kevin.

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  15. theatre wine is an excellent idea. Except I went to a 12pm showing so I think that my friends might have looked down on me if I had brought in wine.

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  16. HEY. You're my absolute favorite. The ending questions are genius. I'm an underager, so yes I sneak alcohol everywhere. Still. For casual wine nights when I would be studying at school I put it in colored reusable water bottles (complete with straws). Bang.

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  17. I actually went and saw that movie last Saturday and thought it was pretty good. I usually just bring the mini bottles in my purse when I go to theaters. A lot of theaters around here have full bars, but the prices are way to high. Then again, I'm also the one sneaking tots in the theater in a ziploc bag. You want to know what heaven on earth is? Hot tots and wine in a theater.

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  18. Theater Wine! That is THE MOST GENIUS idea I have ever heard in my whole entire life. I am doing that next time I go to a movie.

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  19. I NEVER drink Jack & Coke. But when I go to the movies, I always do. Jason insists it's the only alcoholic beverage that's worth sneaking in in travel coffee cups. The only problem that occurs is the PSHHHHHH sound from all the carbonation bouncing around in my purse. And, yes, I carry a purse big enough for TWO travel mugs.

    The upside: I get a buzz because I NEVER drink whiskey and I ALWAYS get popcorn.

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  20. I tried to bring theater rum and coke one time.. well more than once but thats irrelevant. This one time I'd drank a couple before the movie and ended up in the wrong theater. It took me 20 minutes to realize I was watching the wrong movie.

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  21. "Where yo boyfriend at?" I can't wait to see Divergent next weekend and I'm definitely gonna be hitting up my tervis collection to smuggle in some moscato. You're a brilliant lady. :)

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  22. I always read your posts super fast. It feel like that's the correct way to read them because that's the way you'd be talking. So do you? Talk real fast that is? Lol
    I haven't read the book or seen the movie yet. Hoping to do so soon. They have this amazing new theater around my way that has reclining leather seats. I'm thinking theater wine and PJs are needed.

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  23. I only started reading the trilogy recently. So sadly the book was still fresh in my mind when I watched the movie. And it totally ruined it for me. Cause like it really didn't show why she hated Peter so much. And that whole scene at the end where she saves Four is completely wrong.

    And now I'm really just regretting starting the books, cause I think I would have loved the movie if I hadn't read them.

    But the books are totally awesome. And I'm reading Allegiant, and I'm definitely going to have withdrawals when I finish it.


    Also, I'm wondering if I could get away with having theater beer.

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  24. I got to go to the london premier of Divergent this weekend in UK! It was amazing! I also got to see Theo James with my own eyes...and yep he's just as beautiful in real life. It's sickening and unfair! I've even blogged about my time on the red carpet...

    Laura Jane
    http://modernbonnet.blogspot.co.uk/

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