Tuesday, March 4, 2014

My boyfriends have seen me do awkward things

I know what you're thinking: But Juliette, you're like the least awkward person in the history of ever! How do you have material for this post? Well, my friends, I have a secret: I'm pretty awkward and clumsy. Like this one time, I was standing on my two feet and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground. BAM. No warning, nothing. I literally tripped over NOTHING. It's a talent, really.
 
 
What's better than stories of embarrassing stuff? Stories of embarrassing stuff done in front of guys you're dating, obviously!! Ready? And go.
 
Technically this one was before the relationship... but the way I got my first boyfriend was by following him home from work and then offering him an ice cream sandwich. This is the secret boyfriend I had when I was in high school who was just a little older than me. By seven years.
 

 
This one time my newish boyfriend and I were at Panera Bread and I wanted to get to know him better so I pulled a piece of paper out of my purse. I then proceeded to ask him 25 rapid fire questions. "If you could do anything, what would you do?" "What's your favorite childhood memory?" "What are your fears?" "What's your favorite ice cream flavor?" It was like a boyfriend interview, and it did not go well.
 
One time I went mini golfing with my boyfriend and his parents I took a whack at the ball and it flew into the air... and straight into his mother's crotch.

 
 
(TWO crotch shot GIFs because I'm feeling generous for a Tuesday.)


In college I was visiting my boyfriend (long distance FTW) and somehow I ended up with a bunch of hickies on my neck. The next morning I was supposed to meet his dad and brother for the first time, so I tried wearing a scarf to hide the evidence of our make out session. Well, it was like 80 degrees and my scarf did NOT hide anything, but I didn't know that until we left and his dad texted him saying something like, "Tell Juliette next time she should wear a bigger scarf." And then that year his parents gave me a scarf for Christmas.

We went to the beach for breakfast and somehow I ended up with bird poop on my butt, which he pointed out to me. And then he laughed and laughed and laughed and it was stupid and embarrassing.

I went to a frat party with a guy, drank a bunch of Smirinoff Ices (I have refined taste), and fell out of a doorway into a driveway.


 
We went bowling and I had been talking up a big game (because I took two semesters of bowling in college... obviously I was cool) ... and then I completely ate it.
 
 

 
 That's all. For now. 
 
Not awkward.
 

29 comments:

  1. Ha. Hah hah haha. Hahahahahahaha. I have to stop reading your posts at work, I’m laughing way too audibly for the corporate world.

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  2. But Jennifer Lawrence made falling totally acceptable/trendy... right?!

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  3. This is so great!! I totally agree with the comment above me too, being clumsy is so in right now!

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  4. I bet you looked great while doing it!!

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  5. They gave you a scarf. That made me laugh.

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  6. I got a hickey once and it was HUGE like disgustingly huge. My mom asked what happened and I said I got bit by a bug. Her response: "must have been a big bug"

    That's hilarious they bought you a scarf afterward!

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  7. hahahaha hilarious. when i was in grade 9 and the most awkward ever, i sat on a lawn chair at a backyard party and in front of these cute boys, my chair fell backwards because it was slightly angled downhill and i fell off and rolled down the fucking hill while they laughed their asses off. embarrassment for days.

    -kathy | Vodka and Soda

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  8. Um you forgot PIE. Also, I have a story for you, but I'm not sharing it here. KTHANKSBYE

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  9. When boyfriend's parents are involved is the worst! That is HILARIOUS that they bought you a scarf for Christmas - it just never ends, does it?! ha

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  10. Um, those gifs though... HILARIOUS!!! I nearly died over the one with the girl who fell off the steps. And i've been there with you on the hickey thing... whoops. I told my parents it was a curling iron burn and i don't think they bought it for a second.

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  11. Those crotch shots are awesome. And I'm still waiting to hear about the secret boyfriend. I ran into a sliding glass door once because I thought it was open. Smashed my face and my nose wouldn't stop bleeding. Everyone is still laughing about it.

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  12. Oh gosh, I keep staring at the chick falling off the stair! That would entertain me for a while, I swear. I think everyone has done the hickey thing. My sister told me she could "cover it" with make up...I ended up with an even worse looking, obviously trying to hide something patch on my neck >.< Should have just kept the hickey haha

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  13. Those are all pretty dang hilarious.. thanks for sharing :D Those gifs are hilarious too!

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  14. But did you fall down a flight of stairs, BECAUSE I HAVE.

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  15. Haha this only makes me want to be your friend in real life b/c who doesn't love an awkward best friend!! (Usually it's me so it'd be nice to be the normal one for a change lol)

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  16. The hickey!! I had the exact same situation happen to me, except it was MY VERY CONSERVATIVE MOTHER who told me my scarf was too small and I'm still humiliated.

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  17. Haha I'm right there with you girl! I wouldn't date me...

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  18. hahah! Dating is the best and by best I mean most awkward. I had a bird poop on my head on a first date. It was so romantic.

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  19. You just put the biggest smile on my face after an incredibly awful crying session I just had.

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  20. Perfect nighttime read. I appreciate the gratuitous crotch shot gifs <3

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  21. This is seriously hilarious! And I love your ampersand ring!

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  22. First day I met my boyfriend I farted in front of him. I didn't care, as I was drunk. Hehe.
    I love these gifs, that girl falling off the stage has me cracking up! XD

    <3
    Harlynn
    mindyourmadness.blogspot.com

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  23. bahahahahahahaha. I cannot stop laughing - and now Casey is staring and this is REALLY problematic, J.

    Also, the scarf one killed me.
    The GIF's were perfection.
    You followed him home with an ice cream sandwich. Gold. Pure gold.

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  24. OK the GIFs are hilarious, but your stories girl...you kill me.

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  25. These are too funny! I like the hickey one the best.... but probably because the exact same thing happened to me haha.

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  26. Everytime I ever saw a cute guy in high school, i tripped. it was like automatic. i tripped up stairs, down stairs, over back packs, over nothing. It's a wonder I ever got any at all!

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  27. Hot damn! How embarrassing. I'm a weird tripper too...I can be standing perfectly still and trip.

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