Thursday, March 20, 2014

I went shopping: an inner monologue

Okay Old Navy, let's do this. I just need some workout pants. Please have some on sale. Ugh, but like why do they always have to put the itty bitty shorts and sundresses right at the front of the store? Thanks a lot OLD NAVY, you're setting me up for a loss already. Ooooh! Chambray! I wonder how you're actually supposed to say it? Sham-bray? Shame-bray? Clam chowder? I could go for some clam chowder right now. Why is that girl carrying enough clothes to feed all of the Von Trapp children for a year? Why does she need all of them? I wonder if she'd buy my clothes for me if I asked her to? I wonder if she won the lottery? I wonder what my chances of winning the lottery actually are? *Googles it* 1 in 175 million. Huh. I should probably not buy lottery tickets and buy Starbucks, instead. Oh, that girl works here. That makes sense. I wonder if she hates her job? I would hate my job if I worked here, I think.
 
Ohhhhhh, here we are. Pants, we meet again. Okay, let's see... compression... active compression... yoga compression... I hate yoga, it makes me have to fart... compression mesh... shorts... NOPE NOPE HARD PASS...
 
 
Track pants... compression leggings... tennis skirt (what?)... compression zip leggings... active control max pants (makes me think of maxi pads and no thanks)...
 
For the love, Juliette, just pick some and try them on! Ok. Active Compression Mesh Capris... in a pretty seafoam green color. Is that seafoam green? I hate the word seafoam. Sea foam is gross. And it's not even green. It's a nasty dirty white color. The Color Police clearly know nothing, or they've just never been to the beach. Ok... sizes... WHAT THE CRAP who can actually wear an XS? What are these, capris for ANTS?
 
 
Whose idea was it to hang sizes L and XL in the very very back?? My arms are getting sore from trying to move everything... oh I get it. It's like a workout... in the workout clothes section. Touche, Old Navy. I hate you. Go play in traffic.
 
FINALLY. $22.94, not bad I guess. I GUESS. Oh! Sports bras! Does that sign say 2 for $10?? Because if it does this is the best day of my entire life. Oh of course it doesn't... it says BUY two and they're $10 EACH. Tricksy hobbitses, these Old Navy people. Whatever, I need a new sports bra. I could probably get away with a medium. My boobs aren't THAT big. I'll get a large too, just in case.
 
STAY AWAY FROM EVERYTHING ELSE, JULIETTE. DON'T GO LOOK AT THE BABY CLOTHES FOR BABY KATE. DON'T GO LOOK AT THE SHOES. GO STRAIGHT TO THE DRESSING ROOM AND NOBODY GETS HURT.
 
Whoever decided to use fluorescent lighting in dressing rooms probably makes other questionable life choices. It's just rude. This is the worst lighting ever. And why is this room so small?? I don't need to be all up in the mirror's grill. Don't these people know the most flattering angle is when the mirror is slanted and you're checking yourself out from at least 7 feet away?
 
Just...
pull...
up...
the...
(gotta take a break because I'm tired from trying to get these pants over my honkeytonk)
pants.
 
Hmm. They don't feel that bad. Time to look in the mirror. Let's face the music.
 
Ummm... I guess it's not that bad... I mean, when I'm standing on my tip toes and sucking everything in (why can't you suck in your thighs I mean seriously that would help so much) it doesn't look that bad I guess... turn to the side... now the back.... oh shit.
 
 
I feel like I am seeing every french fry and breakfast burrito I have ever eaten. They don't feel like they're going to fall off though... and they don't have any holes in them... definitely a step up from my current workout pants. Ok fine, I'll get them, even though they make me question every food choice I've ever made.
 
SPORTS BRA TIIIIIIIME.
 
Medium first. That's what "start small" means, right?
 
Oh... um... I may have made a mistake. I ... can... get ... it... over. ... these... knockers.
 
*Out of breath* WHY WAS THAT SO DIFFICULT? WHY CAN'T I BREATHE? I don't think the medium fits me right now. How the eff am I going to get this off??? Pull... don't rip it... oops. Oh well, keep pulling ... *gets stuck on face* uhhhhhh great now I'm that asshole who got makeup all over the clothes. It's not my fault and at least it wasn't a white bra.
 
WHY WAS THAT SO DIFFICULT. Well clearly the large is the way to go. I'll get two larges because of the sale.
 
Get me out of this tiny room with the fluorescent lights. I mean seriously, this could be a form of torture. Like, the next time I think I want to eat cheesy bread with a side of bacon I think I'll come into Old Navy and stand naked in a dressing room for 5 minutes. It's enough to question every life choice I've ever made.
 
No time for jewelry. Need to get out of here.
 
Somebody needs to tell this girl ringing me up that she doesn't have to ask me 11 times if I want an Old Navy credit card. SSSSHHHHHHHHHH.
 
That was exhausting. I think I deserve a Diet Coke.
 
And some pretzel M&Ms.
 

28 comments:

  1. DYING. This is my kind of monologue.

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  2. Your inner dialogue is hilarious! I laughed so hard at the 'nasty hobbitses' part, I just made John watch all of the LOTR movies with me :D Going shopping for workout pants is always painful.

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  3. Shopping experiences like this are the reason I drink so much wine. Also, you made me snort coffee through my nose from the hysterical laughing and what not.

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  4. "why can`t you suck in your thighs" hahaa that would be the BEST

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  5. Why can't they get it through their heads that I DON'T WANT A CREDIT CARD. NO THANK YOU.

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  6. This is hilarious! I love it. AND SO TRUE. Clothes always get stuck on me.

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  7. Wow, I could literally feel your pain! You should write a whole book in inner diolouge! Do it do it do it! Also, even when sports bras fit they are a bitch to get off. True story, youre not weird. Love you!

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  8. The word "compression" scares me. They look so much smaller on the hanger. I feel like I'm not going to fit into any of them and I get scared and just grab a size and hope it fits when I get home.

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  9. oooooooooooooh my gosh... I'm so book marking this for whenever I need a laugh. I'm dying at work with tears of joy coming out of my eyes..... I just love you so much more for this post.

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  10. hahahahahahaha. cannot stop laughing. seriously.

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  11. Thank YOU! You just made my day 100 times better. When you figure out how to suck in your thighs, please let us all know! Also, this is why I never try clothes on - the dressing room mirrors are so awful.

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  12. YES everytime I go shopping..this is me!

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  13. Amen. Old Navy's dressing rooms are terrible. Seriously terrible. I hate trying their clothes on for that reason alone.

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  14. THIS. This is genius and now I want your brain.

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  15. Cracking the hell up. Omggg hahaha.

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  16. And this is why you're my favorite!!

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  17. Okay, so I have a dressing room strategy that I'd like to share. I always, ALWAYS try on the largest sizes first (L, then M, then S) because it keeps my dignity in tact. Then you think, "Oh, this size is too big for me... I'll have to go smaller."

    If I start small and have to go larger, it ruins my whole day.

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  18. oh my god. hysterical, but also the reason i hate shopping in brick and mortar stores. online shopping it is! ;)

    xo. jenn @ hello, rigby!

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  19. Get out of my head! I swear I had these thoughts the last time I was in there. And I mean come on with the lighting already!!!! Aren't you TRYING to sell clothes not run people off?

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  20. BRILLIANT. And also the most accurate Old Navy shopping description I have ever heard. And can we talk about those dressing rooms? I have never looked more fat in my life than I have in an Old Navy dressing room mirror. Every time.

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