Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I JUST WANT TO BE A WIZARD

 
     I am SO late to this Harry Potter linkup but I promised myself (and Ashten) that I was going to have a post to link up and I've been trying to figure out what to write for what feels like HOURS and I almost said "forget it" but then I remembered what Blanche always said (better late than pregnant) PLUS I realized this post is about WIZARDS and one of the greatest wizards of all time has a perfect quote to go with this ridiculously long-winded run on sentence of an intro:
 
     Juliette, that's Gandalf and he's from Lord of the Rings not Harry Potter what the eff do you think you're doing??? Well sir or ma'am, I would like to kindly ask you to chill because I know exactly what I am doing. Plus, Frodo from LOTR and Harry from HP look alike and Gandalf and Dumbledore look alike so REALLY I'm just telling you things the rest of the world already knows.
 
Elijah Wood AKA Frodo Baggins:

Daniel Radcliffe AKA Harry Freaking Potter:
 
     What am I even talking about anymore....are you even still reading? I hope so, because the wizarding world of Harry Potter is magical (duh Juliette, we GET IT) and I think everyone should read the books, or, at the very least, watch the movies. ALL OF THEM. IN ORDER. But books first.
 
     To convince you of this, allow me to give you examples of ways that wizards are so much better than stupid Muggles. (Bazinga! You don't have to allow me to do anything. This is my blog, I can post what I want, I can say what I want, I can write what I want, yeah yeah.) And then I'm going to give you some scenes that will make you cry. Should I warn you that there will be spoilers ahead? There will be.
 
     //Wizard can fix shit without using dumb stuff like duct tape krazy glue actual tools. If I had the ability to fix my own glasses it would make life so much less stressful. Also if I had the ability to fix our toilet by just flicking a wand I would save so much time because currently we have to double tap our toilet and it's a huge waste of time and water.
 
 
     //Wizards' Halloween costumes are ALWAYS the best because they have polyjuice potion. If I had polyjuice potion I would probably become Jennifer Lawrence and then Chris Hemsworth. Of course, to do that I'd first have to have some of their hair or something so mayyyyyybe I'll start out with something a little easier. Like Ashten since I'll see her on Sunday. Is that creepy? Probably.
 
 
 
     // I am convinced that one of the most powerful kinds of magic used in HP is whatever magic it took to transform Neville Longbottom from boy to HUBBA HUBBA HOTTIE.
 
 
 
     //Their methods of transportation are like 93740383 times superior to ours. We have cars scooters and stuff, but wizards can invent FLYING cars. Or if they don't feel like being that obvious they can just travel through fireplaces via floo powder, turn any inanimate object into a portkey, or my favorite: apparate (just don't get splinched!) WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO TRAVEL LIKE THAT.
 
  
 
     //HOUSE ELVES. If I had a house elf I would never have to cook, or do dishes, or clean at all, and I'd always have a companion who could levitate cakes and make them drop on the heads of people I hate. Obviously my house elves would be free elves but they'd stay with me because I would provide such a fun living environment. Plus, I'd pay them (in sticks of gum). And I bet they would rub my neck for me.  
 
Let's move on to part two:
Harry Potter Will Make You Cry 
 
     Yer a wizard, Harry. I didn't get emotional during this scene when I first read/saw it, but now when I think about it I get a little teary eyed. Those four words give Harry a new identity, one apart from the awful Dursley's. It's like Hagrid is giving Harry a key (one of those cool olden keys with all the filigree) and saying, "You're way cooler than stupid Dudley (stupid, fat hobbit!) and your life is about to be way better than anything that would happen in the confines of number 4 Privet Drive."
 
Not my daughter, you bitch! Actually this one didn't make me cry so much as it made me laugh. But it also made me heart swell because a mother's love is a special thing.
 
 
Dobby. If you'll excuse me I'll just be in a corner crying and wondering what Dobby ever did to you, J.K. Rowling?!?!?!?!??!!
 
 
...Always. What post about Harry Potter would be complete without a mention of this scene? For the entire series I hated Snape with a passion (just like everybody else did). Sure, I figured he had a reason to be such an ass but I also figured his reason was totally stupid and that I'd continue to hate him with the passion of a thousand suns. But with those five words...really with that one word... my heart got whiplash and the tears came hard and fast (even though it's still hard for me to wrap my brain around how a guy can love a girl so much but that's just the cynic in me and also that's a whole other post for a whole other time) and it was like everything I'd ever known was a lie but it was beautiful and magical and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS.
 
     That's all I have. Too many emotions were felt during the putting together of this post and I need a nap to recover. 
 
 Harry Potter link-up
  
 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png
 

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

That's the ish I like

     Last week I wrote about things I don't like and I wasn't prepared for the amount of people who would 1) tell me I don't have a soul, and 2) question our friendship (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE). Honestly I think you just don't understand how good it is for you that I don't like certain things. You don't ever have to share puppies with me and you can have all the beer in the room when we're together...YOU'RE WELCOME. I'm just really good at sharing so excuse me for being polite. (J/K sort of not really nope not even a little.)
    
     So today I'm hoping maybe we can bond over some things I do like because contrary to popular belief, I don't actually hate everything....only most things. And only on days that end with -ay. That was another fake joke.
 
//Sweater weather and all that it encompasses. Give me sweaters, give me boots, give me warm drinks (just not the PSL), give me a fireplace, and give me rain, and you will have one happy Juliette on your hands.

 
//Popsicles. I could eat popsicles all day erry day. When I was little we spent every Sunday at my Grandma's house and she ALWAYS had popsicles for me. One day I ate an entire box of 36. Actually I've already discussed this here.
 
//Bubble gum. I LOVE bubble gum. I used to carry packs and packs of Bubblicious with me in my backpack in college. I love it so much that my old roommate Cortney made me a gumball machine cake for my 23rd birthday.

 
//Candy in general. Give me all the candy. This is really the only part of Halloween that I like. 
 
//Margaritas. But this isn't new information.
 
//Red meat. Like, I could never be a vegetarian because asking me to give up my medium rare steak would be like asking me to give up my right arm. I love it. I can't get enough of it. Chicken or steak IS THAT EVEN A REAL QUESTION?? Moo.
 

 
//The humor section on Pinterest. Or just laughing at things on Pinterest. Like this. Or this.

//Brad Pitt. I sometimes forget about him because he's been around for so long, but then I tried to watch World War Z over the weekend and I wanted to keep watching it just so I could stare at his perfectly chiseled body face for 90 minutes but then zombies started happening and I was like "uh, no thanks, not right now." Although I'm still mad at him for dumping Jen for Angelina. Rude.


//Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and Harry Potter. But like WHY CAN'T MAGIC BE A REAL THING.



//Shots of jaeger and Fireball. Those are the only shots that I can do straight. No tequila, no vodka, no thanks. Except I haven't done a shot of jaeger in a while and the last time I remember drinking it was at a Jersey Shore party when a guido sang to me when I got sick in the bathroom.

//Sweatpants (or yoga pants, whatever you want to call them).
 

 
 //Jeopardy! The hardest part of not having cable is not being able to record every single episode of Jeopary! every night...but that's why God invented YouTube...right? 
 
 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png

Monday, October 28, 2013

Tequila, bubblegum, wine, and movies

     Introductions are hard so let's just jump on in. Ready? I hope you're wearing floaties.
 
     Friday was awful and I couldn't wait to be done with work and start the weekend. Do you ever have those days where everything in the world bothers you? That was my day. Even the way someone opened a door bothered me. I needed the weekend BAD.
 
     If you don't like babies, skip this part. My sister brought Baby Kate over to my apartment for a little bit after I got off work, and we tried to get her to do her latest trick: smiling. Apparently she doesn't give out smiles easily. Diva baby, ugh. (JK I approve. If you're good at something, never do it for free.) (Did I just use a JOKER quote for my niece? Yes. Huge digression.) Cutest double chin I've ever seen.
 
 
     Later Jacey and I went downtown with our friend Molly and decided it was our job to make her drink all the alcohol. She didn't object. We went into a bar and each ordered a drink...
 
...and then we decided Jacey and Molly had to do tequila shots, because earlier Molly had told us that she liked them a lot "Because they're interactive!!" I hate tequila shots so I just took 47 pictures of them. Literally, I took 47 pictures of them shooting one shot of tequila. Obviously I should be a photographer.
 
 
     We checked the time and realized it was getting late so we decided to leave (it was 7:15) and the two other people in the bar (an elderly couple who were drinking what I'm assuming were dirty martinis) seemed like they wanted to be alone. So we left and headed to get pizza and breadsticks because #drunchies.
 
     On the way to pizza we stopped by Bubblegum Alley because Jacey and Molly had done  interactive tequila shots and I wanted to do some interactive bubblegum chewing. Bubblegum Alley is exactly what it sounds like and it's gross. So gross.
     If I was a better blogger I would have taken a picture of all the junk food we brought home with us. Ice cream, nutella, cheez its, goldfish, teddy grahams, powerade, champagne, pizza, breadsticks... it was a lot. And we hardly ate any of it because we were watching Molly watch Bridesmaids for the first time and that was hilarious.
 
     The best part of Friday is that we were home by 8 and in bed by 10. That is my favorite kind of night. Hashtag grandma hashtag no hangover.
 
     Saturday I did my ritual of cleaning and drinking too much coffee and then my friend Richae came in to town. We were way too busy on Saturday and Sunday to be bothered with taking a lot of pictures, so I don't actually have any pictures of me and Richae together. Since bloggers are visual learners I went into my Facebook archives to find the only two pictures of me and Richae that I have. I had more on MySpace but Justin Timberlake ruined everything and got rid of all the pictures so I can't show you the ones of us dancing in a club in Hollywood, I can only show you pictures of the graduation party Richae had.
 
     When we were in college we would go dance in Hollywood on Saturday nights and have the best time ever...sober. This was before we were 21 and we would just hang out and dance and get hyphy (actually I never got hyphy because I'm still unsure what it even us) because twerking wasn't even a thing (thank god) and we never once thought about alcohol.
 
     Oh, how things have changed.  
 
     So I showed Richae around San Luis and she kept calling it a paradise which is actually pretty accurate. Even Oprah called SLO the happiest city in America. The weather was in the high 70s and it was just perfect! I took her to Edna Valley Winery because it has the best view of all the wineries, in my opinion. If you visit me I'll take you here and we'll taste all the wine.
 
 
     Neither of us wanted to go out that night so we bought a tray of cheese and crackers, stocked up on wine and movies, and settled down on the couch. We turned on The Stranger Within which was easily one of the worst movies I've seen in my entire life. The story was stupid, the acting was horrible, and I don't even really understand what happened. Don't watch it, EVER. But we sat through all 90 minutes of it and I really wish I could get those 90 minutes of my life back.
 
     Next we turned on World War Z, and sat through 7 minutes of it before we found out it's about ZOMBIES (oh THAT'S why it's called WWZ) and no amount of Brad Pitt's hotness was going to make our buzz-faced selves sit through zombies at 9pm. Nope. I mean, I love Walking Dead but I don't watch it right before I'm about to go to sleep, that's just dumb.
 
     Finally we turned on The Words thinking the third time HAD to be the charm and GUESS WHAT? It was. Seriously, watch this movie. I can't believe I hadn't heard of it until Richae randomly pointed it out in the video store. I loved it and I want to buy it not because of how beautiful Bradley Cooper is but also because the story is wonderful.
 
     Then, we slept.
 
     I didn't take any pictures on Sunday either, but we had breakfast at the beach and then Richae left. It was so much fun having her here! I took a great Sunday afternoon nap and then Jacey and I went and saw Gravity. It was basically the outer space version of Cast Away and it definitely cemented my feelings of never wanting to become an astronaut. But Sandra Bullock and George Clooney were amazing and I'm glad I saw it in 3D and it was a matinee so it was only $10 so basically I was just winning all over the place this weekend.
 
     Next weekend I get to see Ashten and I'm so excited which means this is going to be the longest week of my entire life but I'll be able to handle it as long as I don't have another stupid day like I had on Friday.
 
     BYE.
 
Sami's Shenanigans

 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png

Friday, October 25, 2013

Don't buy me sushi

     At least three times a month I'll be trying to make dinner plans with somebody and during our lengthy process of deciding where to eat, it will be revealed that I DO NOT LIKE SUSHI. That declaration is almost always met with a gasp of shock and then I'm peppered with questions like, but have you TRIED the crispy salmon roll with minced eel?? or ok, but I think if you have five shots of sake before you eat it you'll change your mind. No, I don't think so, and I'll tell you why in a minute. But when I was thinking about this I also thought about other things I don't like and that was fun so I made a list READ IT AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M NOT ALONE IN MY DISLIKE OF SUSHI AND STUFF. Also, I keep typing "sushi" as "shushi" so obviously I need another cuppa coffee.
 
     If I had any computer skillzz at all I'd make a cool header or something that said, "A list of things I don't like," but I'm not good at that so...sorry but I know you didn't come here to see my lack of graphic making skills. No, you came here to see if I've put any googly eyes on stuff lately. I have, by the way.


Things I Don't Like


//Sushi. BECAUSE in 2007 I had sushi for the first (and last) time before a night of drinking 6 Smirinoff Twisteds. That night ended with me getting to see the sushi again and now I won't eat it, the cooked or the raw kind. KEEP ITAWAYFROMME.

//Beer. I wish I liked beer, I really do. I try to, and sometimes I take sips of it, but I haven't acquired the taste yet. I'm still sticking with my hard ciders and margaritas until somebody can invent a beer that doesn't make me feel like I'm drinking feet.



//Yoga. No thanks. I did it once but I had to hold in a fart toot butt whisper the whole time and at one point I succeeded in not noticing that I was facing the opposite direction as everyone else and then the instructor had to come over and help me figure out how to turn around and HE USED HIS TOES TO GRAB MY ACHILLES HEEL AND TURN MY FEET.


 



//Twitter. JK. Fooled you.
 
//Krispy Kreme donuts (or glazed donuts in general). In Jr. High I was going to Catalina Island for science camp (stop, I don't know why I'm so cool) and our fundraiser was selling Krispy Kreme donuts. We had to pick up the donuts about an hour away from where I live and I walked into a room in a church where twelve thousand Krispy Kreme donuts were being stored and it was like I was being hit by a wall of glaze and it was disgusting. I had to spend all day trying to sell those damn donuts and at the end of the day I was STARVING so I took a bite from one and it tasted awful and I spit it out no I'm not dramatic.  
 
//Bauble necklaces. I think they're pretty on other people but they're too big of a statement for me to wear.
 
//Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Give me pumpkin smelling candles or even pumpkin pie (PIE!) but don't even try to stuff a pumpkin flavored drink down my throat. But when the red cups at Starbucks come out you can bet I'll be all about the peppermint white mochas.
 

 
//Bangle bracelets. I LOVE bracelets but I hate hearing them whenever I move my arm and I hate it when they bump against the desk/steering wheel/computer keyboard/etc etc etc.I have a bunch though so I'll usually start out the day wearing one or three and take them off 5 minutes into the work day.
 
//Dogs. In elementary school I was at a birthday party and a jack Russell terrier chased me down a driveway and attacked the bottom of my pants (THANK GOD FOR BELL BOTTOMS FLARES) and a Rottweiler came and saved me. And I hate dog slobber. And fur. And how much energy they have. Go ahead and tell me that I don't have a soul but I'm ok with it.
 

 
//Fantasy football. This was never a problem until I got a blog twitter account and seriously every other tweet is about fantasy football and trades and stats and I'm just like I'M STILL PISSED ABOUT BASEBALL.
 
//Ryan Gosling. I. Don't. Get. It. And don't get mad at me, this just means more Ryan for YOU. (You're welcome.) 
 
HE'S SO CHEESY.
 
     So if you would like to come over for some tri tip, sprinkle cake donuts, cats, and baseball, that'd be great. 
 
 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I'm bad at Halloween

     Growing up, my family never celebrated Halloween, partly because Halloween just happens to be my sister's birthday and they didn't want her to feel gypped (wow that looks horribly wrong but I googled it and apparently that's how you spell gypped), but also because the church offered "alternative activities" for families who didn't go trick-or-treating. Coughcoughthatwasuscoughcough. We still got to dress up and come home with candy though, so it wasn't like we really missed out on anything. In fact, I think the church fall festival was maybe a little bit more fun than wondering if there's a razor blade hidden in that homemade popcorn ball (is there ever?).
 
     So when Helene and Sarah first announced their Halloween linkup, I was like I have nothing to contribute. Here's a secret: I'm not a big fan of Halloween. I'm not creative and I don't like wearing short skirts ever in October and I'd rather just stay home and eat the candy myself and watch Titanic. But then I was thinking of the last few Halloweens and I started searching for pictures and I found some so obviously I'm going to come up with a way to post them on the internet you're welcome.
 
     When I was younger I was weirdly obsessed with being a baby. Not so weird that I have a segment on TLC's My Strange Addiction sleeping in a crib and drinking out of a bottle at age 25, but, well...here's a picture. This is easily one of the most embarrassing pictures ever taken of me.

 
     THANKS, mom, for buying my sister an actual costume and letting me fend for myself and ending up leaving the house WITH A PACIFIER IN MY MOUTH. Although I do remember winning a prize for "best costume" at a church's fall festival so maybe it wasn't all bad.
 
     No. It was definitely all bad.
 



     In 2007 I went to a Halloween party at a frat house. I was a "baseball player." AKA I had just ridden on a train for what should have been 6 hours but ended up being 8 hours because the train hit a person and we had to wait for the cops and medical examiners to come and uh, pick up the pieces. That's a story for another time. But at the frat house I drank exactly ZERO glasses of alcohol because 1) I had to drive home and I wasn't 21, and 2) I didn't (don't) like beer. But the night was still really fun because I got to pretend to be drunk without being drunk, and I specifically remember going up to a guy who was dressed as Tarzan and telling him, "You look strong, do you think you could rip my shirt with your teeth?" He tried and he failed but then he ripped it with his hands. Luckily I was wearing an undershirt so HA.
 
     When I was 14 and 15 I was obsessed with being a rockstar. AKA I had a zebra striped skirt, go-go boots, and a pleather jacket and I wasn't afraid to use them. That's the picture in the middle. It was a train wreck. Oh, and a side pony. Apparently the only rock stars I'd ever seen were from the 80's.
 
     The last picture wasn't technically Halloween, and I've posted it before (Lizzie McGuire you are an outfit repeater!) but it was around Halloweentime and it was the sluttiest costume I'd ever worn. Look at me being sluttly with my two shirts leaning up against a wall painted like a sunset.
This one was a good one. It was Halloween weekend 2010, and some work friends and I went to this party in Hollywood. It was 6 bars/clubs that had all joined forces and were throwing one big party. I think Adam Lambert was supposed to be there but we never saw him, and even if we had I wouldn't have remembered.
 
     I spent days and days working on this costume and I had a full body picture on my old Android but that little bitch died randomly and I lost the picture. I was a bird and I had gold strappy heels, orange leggings, and a yellow dress. I sewed a yellow boa around the bottom and yellow feathers al over it, and I made a yellow feather headpiece. People said "you look like Big Bird!" but I drank too much champagne and replied, "I'm a SWALLOW," and I winked. I drank more champagne than I've ever had and I met Barack Obama. Or at least, that's who the guy in the photo ^^ told me he was. I also met a pig and then I sat in a chair and got sick and we had to leave and I lost one of my shoes and I'm pretty sure I got poisoned because I was hungover for two days.
 
     And then, you know, there was that one time when wearing a costume was my job and ironically I never got to wear it on Halloween.
 

 


Helene in Between
 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png

Monday, October 21, 2013

The weekend of devastating heartbreak

     Let's start with something happy this morning because this weekend was basically the worst weekend of my entire life and if you think I'm being dramatic well, just keep reading and you'll understand. First though, let's just look at the cutest little baby in the entire world. It happened on Friday so it counts as the weekend.
 
     I have a feeling she's going to be a little high maintenance when she's older but I mean, can you blame her? Also is there anything cuter than babies wearing adult clothing/accessories? No. There's not. I can't wait until she's a little older so she can pretend to try on my high heels.
 

     I miss that baby.

     So, Friday started out great and Jacey and I were stoked to go watch the Dodgers crush the Cardinals and stay alive in the NLCS while we drank beer hard cider. And maybe I pregamed with a bottle of champagne and maybe we also chugged champagne in the car before we went into the bar because maybe we're balling on a budget. I don't know though. Maybe. It might have happened.  Things started out pretty great: it was a good hair day, I had my cider, the amount of Dodgers fans in the bar outnumbered the Cardinals fans, and I had a good feeling about the game. Um, if nothing else, Friday taught me that I'm definitely not a psychic.



     I have a tendency of being a little mean to people in general when I'm watching baseball because I like to talk shit and tell people to suck it. Jacey wanted me to be nice so we decided that if I was being mean, she'd say "coconut prawns" and I'd have to stop being a huge ass. Why coconut prawns? WHY THE HELL NOT. If you were on Twitter you know how much the game affected me. And since I apparently want to relive my pain here's some aggression I took out on Twitter.

(That should say "if you CAN'T field a ball," but I can't be bothered with spelling when I'm knee-deep in ciders and losing.)

(This is almost as good of an idea as when I said cops should start pulling people over for wearing a seat belt or not talking on the phone and giving them $5. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT.)


(Baseball is dead to me right now.)
(No it's not.)

I think we left around the 8th inning because it was embarrassing.
Seriously. We ended up losing 9-0. NINE TO NOTHING.
We were on such a high because we were staying alive (staying aliiiiiiii-hii-hiiiive!) and I had high hopes for our huge comeback. I felt like I was standing on top of the Empire State Building and then somebody froze my heart and threw it onto the ground where it shattered all over the pavement and then a steam roller ran over it a billion times and I just lost the will to live care about baseball.
 

     My anger/sadness/fuming rage led to me texting several people about how much I hated baseball and how the Dodgers had broken my heart and crushed my dreams and how I couldn't believe it. And I wasn't about to say anything positive about the Dodgers because they didn't deserve any nice words.

     So I'm done with baseball until April. It was a HUGE letdown. I mean, we haven't won a World Series since 1988 and we had such a great comeback this year that it just seemed winning the World Series was our destiny. Well that destiny went outta the ballpark along with like, four home runs the Cardinals hit over the fence which led to us losing NINE TO ZERO. ZIP. NADA.
 
     Moving on...Saturday I did my new favorite Saturday activity: I cleaned, and drank coffee, and watched movies. Jacey and I watched Wedding Crashers (you shut your mouth when you're talking to me!) and drank peach mimosas and ate sour straws and I didn't hate it. I did hate it when Jacey dropped a beer on the walkway. What a waste of alcohol!! At least it was a beer though and not a bottle of champagne. THAT would have been cause for tears and devastation.
 

      That's all. Sunday I went to church and took a nap and we watched a lot of Modern Family and ate some more sour straws. The end. If you need me I'll be sobbing quietly into my baseball glove and drowning my tears in champagne. 
Sami's Shenanigans

 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png