Sunday, September 29, 2013

Don't drink and blog

     This post does not count because I'm writing it at 10:30pm after moving all day and watching the Breaking Bad finale and I can't even form complete thoughts and I'm taking Monday off of work so we can organize this fantastic apartment and eat bacon waffles and I still don't have a bed and Bridesmaids is on right now and I just feel so bad for Annie and I have two boxes of the rocket pops Popsicles in the freezer right next to some ice cubes and adult beverage enhancers SO basically life rocks peace out see ya on the flip side (Tuesday).

     An aside: how is Helen able to be "Helen Harris III"? Unless I guess maybe she didn't take Perry's last name when they got married? I always thought that was just supposed to be a part of her character but I like to think its just WRONG.

     Also, my moving recap will tell the story of how we learned that a queen sized box spring does not fit up our staircase and also how Jacey's mattress came pretty close to decapitating me. Also, moving is really hard and I just want everything to be done. Who wants to buy me a bed? Who wants to set up my room for me? I just don't wanna. 

     This is the end. Kids, don't blog on your phone after an emotional day of moving, the Breaking Bad finale, and vodka. DON'T DO IT. 

     I might delete this as soon as I wake up. 

     Tonight we went to Food 4 Less and when we walked out of our apartment there was a black cat which some people could see as a bad omen but I'm just going to sit here and try to figure out how I can get it to come live in my closet. I reeeeeeally want a cat but Jacey is "allergic" so I'm not "allowed" to have a cat. Whatever.

     Aaaaaaaand I don't know how I'm supposed to to eat healthily when I can get Rocket Pops for $.98 cents at Food 4 Less.
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Friday, September 27, 2013

Taylor Swift is really singing about donuts

I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift on Grooveshark
     You guys have heard this Taylor Swift song, right? Of course you have. You've probably even heard the version where the goat is the star of the show. I know Taylor wants you to think this song is about a guy, but guess what? IT'S NOT. I've spent a lot of time really listening to the lyrics and thinking about their significance and metaphors and other philosophical crap like that and I've discovered the truth. And you might be shocked but just hear me out: this song is about her relationship with carbs, specifically donuts.


     This picture was taken right after Tay-tay's manager or PR person told her she couldn't eat donuts for dinner anymore. She's apologizing profusely to the donuts. Shortly after she gave up donuts is when she started wearing her hair straight. Her hair lost the will to curl when it was no longer being fed the nutrients of delicious carbs and sprinkles and glaze and Bavarian cream.



     According to Taylor, the song is about losing yourself. She can't remember who she was before she met him...HIM. A DONUT. What she means is basically how I feel: I can't remember how my hips used to fit in my size 6 jeans before I started eating donuts for breakfast. Infallible logic.

Let's go deeper.
That's what she said.


Once upon a time a few mistakes ago
I was in your sights, you got me alone
You found me, you found me, you found me-e-e-eeee

It's starts out as a few mistakes...one donut a week... two donuts a week ...a donut every other day ... and then it turns into two donuts a day


I guess you didn't care, and I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard you took a step back
Without me, without me, without me

LOL Tay-tay, donuts don't care about anything but themselves because they're donuts and incapable of feeling anything other than the desire to tempt you with their deliciousness.

'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
'Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
What she really means is "I knew you were trouble when I walked in[to the donut shop because your sprinkle and glaze glory was tempting me beyond anything I can bear]."


So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble

The happiness that is felt by eating sprinkle donuts is rivaled only by the happiness and joy of biting into a fresh In N Out double double with grilled onions and that is obviously what she's talking about by "places I'd never been."


Uh hello they're obviously in a donut shop and they're bonding over their magical donut breath.


No apologies, he'll never see you cry
Pretend he doesn't know that he's the reason why
You're drowning, you're drowning, you're drowning

Obviously the donut won't see you cry. He's already made his way to your large intestine by the time you get home and try to fit into your jeans. And it's definitely not a coincidence that she's not wearing pants... obviously she's eaten so many donuts that she can't fit into her pants anymore.



Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street
A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be
And now I see, now I see, now I see

I think what she really means is that the donut will be a new notch in her belt because she will have to let her belt out to make room for the fourteen donuts she's eating for breakfast.


And the saddest fear comes creeping in
That you never loved me or her, or anyone, or anything, yeah

LOL joke's on you Taylor. Donuts don't have feelings, donuts give you feelings of happiness and joy. And donuts don't love anyone or anything because they're just donuts.


     Oh look at Tay just casually doing sit ups because she realized that she's eaten way too many donuts and sweat pants are the only thing that fit her right now.


     She's lying, of course. The worst part was losing the donut. Look at her, sitting in a wasteland just searching for a donut to numb the pain...but all she can find are kale chips and shots of wheat grass. YOU WON'T FIND ANY DONUTS TAY-TAY BECAUSE YOUR PR AGENT DEMANDED THAT ALL DONUTS WITHIN A 500 MILE RADIUS OF YOU BE LOCKED AWAY UNTIL YOUR 25TH BIRTHDAY.


And now that I've done that I'll just go ahead and link myself up with Whit.
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Thursday, September 26, 2013

What's in my bag? (Boring stuff)

     The internet has been trippin' yo (Juliette how many times do I have to tell you that you are not a G) for the past 15 minutes and maybe I'm supposed to take that as a sign that no one cares what's in my purse, but if you know me you know I don't believe in signs and plus I spent a lot of time dumping my purse onto my desk and taking pictures so you're not getting out of this that easily. Earlier this week Jordan (WHY WON'T BLOGGER LET ME DO A HYPERLINK) wrote about what's in her purse and apparently lots of people are doing the same thing and as you know I like to borrow ideas.
     So now, here we are. Look, here's my purse.

    I got it in 2011 from Aldo, which is my favorite place to find purses. It's a taupe colored leather (?) purse and it's lasted for TWO AND A HALF YEARS and I love it. Taupe was BIG in 2011 and if your name is Juliette then it's big in 2013 also. Oh and it was only $50 ...so....WIN. It's huge inside which gives me tons of room for TONS O' CRAP. Knock it off, Juliette, no one needs all this information. Geez.  I dumped my purse out and here's what I found. PS it just magically fell out all organized like that. I didn't spend 20 minutes arranging it.


Let's break it down.


Top to bottom:
Makeup bag
Tissue from the hospital when Katelynne was born.
Peanut M&M (maybe I ate it maybe I threw it away)
Some random free sample of face product from Sephora
Three Hershey's kisses
A banana
Granola bar
Hobo walllet


Zipfizz...I guess you put it in water and it gives you energy...?
Tampon
Pens
Five lipglosses and NO CHAPSTICK


A Harry Potter rubber duck
A necklace
EmergenC
Advil
Deodorant
Baby powder (for the hair, it's my version of dry shampoo)
Bracelets
Rings and a pair of earrings
Mattress information
Bouncy blush gel stuff
A whistle
A "YOU HAD ME AT BACON" pin
Keys
My Panera card
Teeny clip thing
Five bobby pins (one with nail polish on it)
Keys
One or two googly eyes
$.94 cents in change.


     I have nothing else. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. So I leave you with a picture of a cake that I wouldn't mind being given. Also it has absolutely nothing to do with this post.


BYE.
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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

We're moving and it will be just like New Girl

     If you didn't know already (how could you not?), I'm moving on Sunday. Have I beaten that dead horse enough? And also, that expression is awful and I don't think I'll ever be using it again. Sorry. ANYWAY, where was I? Oh, Jacey and I signed a lease and we're moving on Sunday. You already know that though because I've talked about moving a few times. Like when I went mattress shopping, and when I thought about all the things that can go wrong when I move, and even waaaay back when I found awful apartment listings online. (FYI I just wanted to plug some posts YOU'RE WELCOME.)

Jacey and I have been friends for 10 years soooooo it's safe to say we're pretty close. I mean, we've seen each other at our best and worst. I've seen her puke, she's seen me faceplant in a driveway after a night of Jameson and ginger ale. I've seen her go through breakups, she's seen me break her picture frames. Etc etc.

I know they say not to live with your best friend but I just googled stuff and really you're just not supposed to live with your best friend in COLLEGE. We're both out of college, so we're safe.
We like to think we know exactly what it will be like living with each other. I'm sure nothing will go wrong and we won't end up hating each other. Basically it'll be just like New Girl except without the three guys. So it'll be Cece and Jess living together but neither of us have bangs.

First of all, you should know that we're moving to a COLLEGE town, which is a little bad because we've been out of college for a few years and everyone just looks SO YOUNG.


Also, we're having a jar. Not a douchebag jar, but a jar for whenever Jacey leaves a lid/cap off something and whenever I forget to soak the coffee carafe in water before I go to work (and whatever other annoying things we find out about each other). We'll spend the money on responsible things like milk and utilities booze.

We'll probably go around the house being a little annoying and it'll be cute at first but then we'll want to smack each other.

Also, we'll probably drink a lot of wine.
Slutty wine.

And then we'll decide to go out since we'll live TWO MILES away from downtown.

But we'll have a hard time deciding where to go, and should we pregame?
Should we go to a sports bar or a dance bar?
Should we go to happy hour or the late night bars?
Should we wear heels or slippers?
Maybe we should just stay in?
Should we call anyone?
Should we text our ex boyfriends?

We'll end up going to a dancing bar but it will have been a bad idea because the only "dancing" I do is pretending to drop it like it's hot and doing backbends.

Then we'll have shots and I'll try and do a backbend and both of us will text people we shouldn't, and we'll try to flirt with guys and get free drinks but we'll fail.

And then we'll decide to leave because no one wanted to flirt back except for the 40 year old in the mandals.

And then we'll go to Enzo's where they serve breakfast 24 HOURS A DAY.

And then Jacey will have to work on a Saturday morning at 6:45 and I'll be all:

But then Monday I'll have to be at work at 7 and Jacey will be off and she'll be all:

And sometimes Jacey will come home from work to find me wearing interesting attire. 

And then we'll push all the living room furniture against the wall because we want to make SO MUCH MORE ROOM FOR ACTIVITIES.

Oops that wasn't New Girl don't care that's all the end.

Bye.
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Monday, September 23, 2013

Mondays aren't for complete thoughts.

     I spent the whole weekend hanging out with people who can't form sentences. For real. I spend Friday evening and ALL.DAY. Saturday babysitting an 18 month old, and Sunday I finally got to hang out with my niece. And fine, my sister and her husband were there too but let's focus on the kidz because I'm selfless. Friday and Saturday were killing me because all I wanted to do was go see that precious 7 pound bundle of sweetness, but I'd promised a family friend over a year ago that I'd watch her baby when her brother got married. The wedding just happened to be two days after my sister gave birth which was basically the most inconvenient thing ever, but I keep my commitments plus I'm a people pleaser.


     Okay but really, I have nothing good to put here. I was trying to think of ways I can relate to babies but the only things I could think of are that we both like to sleep and drinking too much makes us pass out. (I'm talking about milk for the babies, obviously, geez.) Then I was like oh! babies are just like drunk people! But then I remembered that Buzzfeed or Thought Catalog already did that and I was jealous that I didn't think of it first.

     OH! I did do something really really cool this weekend! I figured out how to make the alarm on my phone ring and buzz even when the volume is turned off! It only took me 11 months to figiure it out but I finally did because I'm a problem solver. It was really important for that to happen because some people who live in different time zones than me (COUGHGOUGH faithalliesami) wake up way earlier than me and start texting when I'm still trying to get my 9 hours of beauty sleep. Okay fine letzbihonest most people wake up earlier than me especially on the weekends but I think I deserve to sleep in until noon because I spent all week getting up at 5:30 6:05am so if I'm going to sleep in until noon I will, dammit

     I have nothing else to put here so let's look at some pictures of the prettiest princess in the world, Baby Kate. She has me wrapped around her finger and I would do anything for her and her daddy says she farts a lot and everybody says she gets that from me which is fine but I also think she gets the little wink and smile thing from me also because I do that A LOT.

     I'm so excited for this weekend because today I'm signing the lease for my new apartment (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I get to see the baybay again on Wednesday, and it's pretty cool. The only thing that isn't cool is that I have to pack up everything and be ready to move on Sunday and I don't know how that's going to happen because even though I don't have a lot of furniture I sure do have a lotta crap. So if anyone isn't doing anything on Sunday and you wanna help me move I will pay you in hugs and Twitter shout outs.

     Also next Monday will be so exciting because I'll be in the new apartment AND the Breaking Bad finale will have happened!!

Don't keep reading if you haven't watched last night's Breaking Bad episode FYI.

     Also, Breaking Bad, anyone? Am I the only one who feels like nothing really happened last night? Also am I the only one who likes Walt more than Jesse? I mean ok, I feel awful for Jesse having to watch what happened to Andrea, but hearing Walt beg that vacuum cleaner guy to stay with him for an extra two hours just so he could have some company just broke my heart. He's so alone, and he knows it's all his fault. And then hearing Flynn say those things to his dad and watching Walt break down just killed me inside. Oh but then the stupid Gray Matter people had to all of a sudden show up and turn Walt completely into Heisenberg and I just wanted to say NOOOOOOOO but I didn't because I was tired. I think it's safe to say Heisenberg has taken over. But still, I feel bad for Walt. I could go on and on and on about the show but I won't. At least not right now.

Sami's Shenanigans

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Friday, September 20, 2013

A Baby Story



     I'm nervous to write this post because I want it to be perfect. I don't want to forget any details...but...oh my gosh. It's safe to say I'm in love with this perfect 7 pound baby girl. But we'll get to her later. And let me forewarn you, the hospital room was a little dark so all of my iPhone photos are a leeeeetle grainy and I apologize but you know what if this was like 5 years ago it would be even worse because I didn't have a good camera phone back then so really you should be thanking me especially for this run on sentence ok let's do it to it.

     My sister started having contractions around 5am on Thursday, and she got to the hospital around 7am. I have no idea how she was able to wait over five hours before telling anyone she was at the hospital, but that was probably a smart idea on her part because it kept her from having throngs of people trying to watch her deal with contractions. When she texted me at 12:31 and told me that the baby was getting ready to make her grand appearance I almost lost my cool and drove down to the hospital right away. But I listened to Kathrene and sat at work grinning like a fool proud about-to-be aunt and waited, and waited, and waited some more. Then, since I'd already waited so long, I went home and washed my greasy hair and put on a pink sweater because hello, baby GIRL.

     I was able to see Kathrene before the baby came, and she was doing great. She'd had a rough day and finally asked for the epidural, which ended up being a total God-thing. I think it was a mix of the epidural and the Pitocin that made her agree to this photo. She'd kill me if she knew it was on the internet. Hooray secret blog!

     Around 730 a nurse came in and was explaining what would happen if for some reason they had to do a C-section. "But don't worry, it's not looking like that will have to happen," she assured us. L-I-A-R. A short while later the doctor came in to check her progress and I was banished to the hallway for that process. It was taking longer than it normally would, and I heard serious talking in hushed tones, so I eavesdropped but sucked at it. John texted and said I wouldn't be able to come back in the room so I went  back to the waiting area with the 9 other people who were there for this precious baby girl, and let my mind race with all kinds of ideas about what could be wrong. That wasn't smart, but at least I kept it to myself and didn't Google "what can go wrong with childbirth."

So we waited. And waited. And waited some more.

     It turned out that Kathrene would have to have a C-section, but we weren't clear on the details. I do know that it was good she'd had the epidural earlier, but I'm a little fuzzy on the why of that. I think that enabled her to have the C-section sooner, but I could be off base. We weren't able to ask the doctors or nurses what was going on, which was annoying. You know how in the movies the doctors come out and update the family? That only happens in movies. In real life you just have to sit and wait and hope that you have enough cell phone battery to get you through all the waiting. Kathrene and John were able to text us a bit prior to the C-section (I swear Kathrene was texting up until they cut her open), and we heard something about "her head," so of course assumed the baby's head was too big to come out naturally. This prompted lots of jokes in my dad's direction because apparently he has a larger-than-average sized head....? I don't think so but it was fun to joke about it while we waited.

     Let me be honest: I was scared. When we first heard about the C-section my dad (who is a pastor, I don't think you know that) led us in prayer for the baby, her parents, and the medical team, and that was the first time I cried. Even though I knew things like this happen all the time, it was still scary not knowing all the details and thinking about your sister being cut open so a baby could come out. It was scary, and I was nervous. Especially because no one was updating us

     And I felt bad for Kathrene, too. Obviously no one knows quite what to expect during childbirth, but this was the exact opposite of what she was hoping for. The entire day she had been told that everything was fine, and then all of a sudden everything switched and a team was being called in for a C-section. I can't imagine how she (and John) must have been feeling. Especially Kathrene, with all the drugs and horomones and everything...but the whole time she was only concerned about the baby. Whenever the nurses said anything Kathrene would ask, "But the baby's ok, right?" or they would tell her to roll over and they'd ask if she was uncomfortable and she would say, "I'm fine, is this better for the baby? I just want to do whatever's best for her. I'm fine." She went in for the C-section around 9:15, and finally around 10 (?) John sent a text saying, "she's here and everyone is good." THANKS FOR THE CRYPTIC UNINFORMATIVE TEXT, BROTHER-IN-LAW. 

     Doctors and nurses kept walking by and we kept asking them what was going on but none of them knew anything because they weren't Kathrene's team of doctors. They all said, "Are you all here for the same baby? Oh, she's the first? That explains why there are so many of you so late at night." News flash: we will all be here if they have more babies, so get used to the crowd!! Finally, finally, at 11:30pm, Kathrene's nurse came out and told us we could all go in but please don't pass the baby around because we don't want her to catch anything and oh bee tee dubs you can only stay for twenty minutes. And you know what? Even though it was only 20 minutes and only the four grandparents held her it was the best 20 minutes of my life. She is perfection and I can't get enough of her.

Baby Kate
(Name has been removed)
September 19, 2013
9:27 p.m.
7lbs 0oz.
I don't know how many inches.
Probably 19 or 20?


Her name is a combination of the girls' names on Kathrene's side of the family.
Update: Name has been removed: Kat for Kathrene, and Lynne because that's my mom's and my middle name. (I knew she'd be named after me!) <--joke .="" i="">
Middle name (has been removed): My other sister's middle name, and my mom's grandma's maiden name.

September 19th is special because (other than the obvious):
My dad's mom's mom's birthday (that made sense, right?).
The Dodger's clinched the NL West.
National Talk Like a Pirate Day.



She screams a lot. A LOT. But her daddy was able to get her to sleep within 30 seconds...he's a natural.



     Once again, I'm sorry for the grainy pictures. She's even better in person. She has loads of dark hair and such long fingers! And her fingernails are long too, I wasn't expecting that.


     When we walked into the room Kathrene was holding her baby against her chest and bouncing her softly and just staring, and I cried. Everyone cried (especially Baby Kate). They told us her name and we cried some more. Kathrene told us about the C-section, "She cried immediately after they took her out, which was good, but I hardly got to see my baby! I kept saying, 'How's my baby?'" Hearing Kathrene say "my baby" made me cry. Let's be honest: everything made me cry! She and John are so natural as parents, and it was surreal seeing Baby Kate after we've been waiting for what seems like forever!

     I am so proud of John and Kathrene. Though the pregnancy itself wasn't difficult, they went through several life changes in the last 9 months. They had to live in a hotel and at John's parents house for three months (mold), Kathrene switched from working weekends to working nights to working days, and some other general life stuff. Through everything I never heard them complain even once, and I am SO thrilled for them! Baby Kate is 7 pounds of perfection and I can't describe the emotions that last night held. It was so very special for all 13 of us to be crowded in that little room listening to the precious baby's cries and for all of us to see John and Kathrene become parents...I'll never forget it. We all prayed together before we had to leave and that was so special. It's safe to say there wasn't a dry eye in room 6 last night. There was so much promise in the air. So much anticipation in the hospital. So much joy.

     Thank you all for sharing in my excitement over my niece! I'll do my best to not make this a mommy blog a Baby Kate blog, but I'll probably sneak a picture or seventeen in a post every now and then. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go look at pictures of the most perfect angel ever.
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