Friday, June 28, 2013

I am officially the Scrooge of summer

     Is your Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook feed blowing up with pictures of beaches, pools, tan lines, and glasses of alcohol (name that movie)? Mine sure is, and that's how I know the season of sweat summer is officially here, and I'm not exactly thrilled. There's good reason for that, too. I grew up in a little coastal town where the temperature rarely reached above 77 degrees and the mornings were always foggy. I loved it! So when I went to college in Southern California I received a brutal wake up call when I tried to wear jeans and a sweater in the middle of the day in AUGUST. It was THE WORST and one of the biggest reasons why I hated living down there. So today I'm going to talk about why summer is my least favorite season and why it shouldn't be allowed anymore.


And like, not just boob sweat, but everything sweat. When it's hot outside I feel sticky and gross and smelly 24/7. And taking a shower only makes it 10Xs worse because even if it's a cold shower it still creates humidity because SCIENCE. On the weekends it was really hard to sleep in because the sun was already cooking at 8am and the only thing we could do to survive was lay out by the pool, which sounds really good in theory, but it was still hot, and there were bees, and there was sweat, and if you were bloated then keep the bikinis away from me.

Which leads me to my next point...
I mean ... they do. It's basically underwear just maybe a little thicker (unless you're comparing it to a VS bra because those suckers are THICK). And don't even get me started on shopping for a bikini. I'm sure some people think it's fun to go bikini shopping but I really hate it. Actually I'm not really the biggest fan of shopping at all so I guess we got that one figured out.

I think I'm going to start using that phrase in my daily life.


This is why God invented maxi dresses.
And I think that's all I need to say about that.



During the summer all everybody in California wants to do is go to the beach. And that's fine, if you're into that sort of thing. But I feel the same way about beaches as I do about dogs: that they're more trouble than they're worth. Especially in Southern California. It would take forever to get there, it's hot, you have to pay for parking and park forever away, your drinks don't stay cold, and you get sand in places where people should never have sand.


I guess I should probably balance it out and list some things I actually do like about summer.

-Popsicles.

That's about it.
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Thursday, June 27, 2013

Throwback Thursday

Bonnie's Throwback Thursday
Birthday Edition
*confetti*
Update: I just got in a lot of trouble because Jacey (you might remember her from this post, this post, and even this post) has left me for a week and I promised her a shout out (side note why do you need a shout out you don't have a blog or even a Twitter!!!) and I forgot. So Jacey here you go  now stop bugging me and come home please the end.

Go shawty, it's yo' birthday
We gonna par-ray like it's yo' birthday
We gonna sip Bacardi like it's yo' birthday
And you know we bnfhaue kdjfaoiude birthday!
(I don't know all the words.)

Bonnie's topic today is birthdays, so let's do some flashing back.
Today is the picture book post, where I have so many pictures and very few words.
ReadysetGO.

My second birthday which I don't remember but if you look at my face is obvious I was in heaven.
(Actually I was probably just really excited about the cake because of NOM.)


My third birthday where I was obviously a little more reserved and mature and couldn't be getting giddy like a baby anymore.


Who wouldn't be excited about a pile of crafts and clothes and other presents? Le duh.
Loom weaving set. I made so many potholders with that thing.


That's me. On the left, in the pink, and I don't know how old I was, but I definitely wasn't old enough to appreciate the amazingness of that tan.
Le sigh.

FAST FORWARD LIKE 15 YEARS
      
Twenty-one. I definitely remember this birthday.
I was dating a guy who thought it would be romantic if I didn't spend my birthday evening with my friends, so during the day Lisa and our friend Skyler took me to this great little restaurant next to our apartment where I had a chocolate cake shot (BARF) and a long island that I tried to make more delicious by squeezing the juice of a thousand lemons into...and it failed miserably. That evening that boyfriend tried to cook me fettuccine alfredo because one time I mentioned that I liked it, but he burned it so we had hamburger helper. Then we went to a hole in the wall Mexican restaurant where we were the ONLY people there and they gave me flan.
Flan is gross.
Plus I didn't like margaritas at the time.
I think I might have still been in my Smirinoff Ice phase (LE BARF).


Fast forward another year and I'm single (*confetti*) and I hadn't planned anything (because I'm the world's worst party planner) so when I got home from work my roommates said, 
"SURPRISE! We're taking you line dancing!!!"
And it was FANTASTIC and thank you so much!
I don't know who this guy was but obviously I was the most excited person at Incahoots.

Then, the next year my roommates outdid themselves and threw me a candy themed party.
That, my friends, is a cake in the shape of a gumball machine. (Have I mentioned my obsession with bubble gum?) There was a candy bar with all my favorites, little pink champagne glasses, and they gave out toothbrushes as favors. And so many of my friends showed up and we partied all night long because twenty-three WHEE!

Twenty-five was chronicled here.
Basically the moral of the story is that if I didn't have such great friends I would definitely have spent my past birthdays in my pajamas watching Jeopardy and eating Moose Tracks ice cream from the carton.
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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Apartment hunting is the WORST.

Sometimes, when I get home from work and just want to hide in a corner for a little bit, I'm interrupted by the sound of my parents knocking on my door and asking me about my day or wanting to tell me something that happened. It's really nice that they like me and want to be involved in my life, sometimes I feel like Carrie when she gets home and Aidan says, "Where ya been, whatcha been up to, who ya been with, whattya know?"

I love my parents, but sometimes I just need my space. And by "sometimes" I mean "always."
That's why I've decided that it's time to really seriously truly find an apartment.
Unfortunately, not only is it ridiculously expensive to rent an apartment around here, but the cheap places are just that: cheap. I'm not even going to try and use my sales background to sugar coat it and call it "affordable," because it's just. plain. cheap.

I'm not a diva, really I'm not, but I don't want to live in any of these places:
WTH is this.




WHAT is up with that carpet?
Maybe I'm too picky but it looks like I'd get shot.



That's the "kitchen."

Disclaimer: I KNOW, IT COULD BE WORSE.
So, to make myself even more depressed about how I'll probably end up living next to the railroad tracks in a studio that has a toaster oven instead of a fridge, I did what everyone does when they want to feel awesome: I looked at Pinterest and succeeded in setting excessively high expectations for what my bach-pad will look like.
Pinterest, you are the devil, because NOW, I want to live in a place like THIS:
THAT BED!
I'm a sucker for an iron bed frame. I've always wanted one, preferably with a white eyelet duvet cover.
And that overstuffed extra large chair would be perfect to relax in with a glass of wine and my laptop and iPhone for Twitter a good book!!
Give me that Get naked bathtub right now (and add another glass of wine).
All of it. I want it ALL. Why don't all apartments have amazing light like that? And why can't all apartments be like $450/month???

And this.
It's so clean and and fresh and girly and I want it.


I like to pretend like I'm going to live like that one day.
But then I look at Craigslist and I'm reminded that Pinterest is not real life.
It's not real life...it's not real life...it's not real life...
But one day soon I'll live on my own and I'll at least have an overstuffed chair to chill in with my wine and everyone can come over and we'll watch Netflix and When Harry Met Sally and Bridesmaids.

And I'll also have LOTR salt/pepper shakers and a foot pedestal for the shower.





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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Eight random little things.

I wanna talk about me, wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one oh me oh my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want what I see
I like talking about you, usually, but occasionally
I wanna talk about me

I was homeschooled until I went to college.
     The whole time. Even pre-school and kindergarten. And no, we did not live on a farm. Yes, I did have friends. And no, I don't feel like I missed out on the high school experience (except I always wanted to decorate a locker).
I've never been out of the country.
     Not once. Not even a little bit. One day I'll go to Europe (says everyone). And New Zealand to walk the Mordor Trail.

For a year and a half I worked at Disneyland as "friends" with a princess.
     *hint hint hint* That's about all I can say about that. But it was one of the coolest jobs I've ever had and also one of the most stressful. Someday I'll share more about that experience.
     
My right pinkie finger doesn't straighten all the way.
     When I was 15 I had a fight with the window (I lost) and it cut off 3/4 of an inch of my tendon. I went to pinkie finger physical therapy but my fate was sealed. 
Sandwiches are my favorite food group.
     For two years in high school I worked at Subway and that's when my love affair with a giant sandwich began. I just can't get enough! (CARBS!)
I've never had braces.
     I always wanted them. And I always really wanted a retainer like my sisters had. Some people have all the luck!
I used to have red hair.
     Purpleish red, from a box. It was awful but I thought I was the coolest and I've never been more wrong (except when I shaved my eyebrows).
I hate bottled Arrowhead water.
     Aquafina, Dasani, or filtered from a fridge are fine, but Arrowhead is awful. I know it's just water but there's a very distinguishable difference! Don't tell me you can't taste it.

Oh, 16 year old Juliette. You were so dumb.
Over 40 stiches to sew that sucker up.

(Sorry for the blood.)

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Monday, June 24, 2013

The girls came to town!

FIRST OF ALL, Erin at Two Thirds Hazel is a genius and gave this blog a lovely makeover that I just can't get over! I hope you love the design as much as I do. Thanks again, Erin!!

*And now back to our regularly scheduled programming*
Warning: Lots and lots of pictures.

Last year, when I moved back to San Luis from Brea everyone told me I'd be SO bored and I wouldn't have ANYTHING to do and how would I survive?
WELL.
My old roommates came up to visit me and I'm pretty sure they're eating their previous words because we did SO MUCH this weekend. It all started at a dive bar in Morro Bay with a beautiful bomb called a Cr*ck Pipe. You're supposed to chug it but apparently Christine and Lisa didn't get the memo because...
After that Jacey and I introduced Lisa and Christine to shuffleboard, and would you believe that those newbies schooled us? Ugh. Some guy offered them celebratory beers for their win.
It was safe, I promise. No roofies.
Oh, and there were Jell-O shots.
The rest of the night consisted of more shots, another dive with a moose head on the wall, a puppy in the bar, more Jell-O shots, and obviously making friends with people we'd never met before.
Lisa won in the making friends department.
I mean, will you LOOK at those rosy cheeks and dimples?
I did not win in the friends department because Garrett was completely wastey-face and all he cared about was that our shoes matched.
Finally around 1:30 we called it a night and took a taxi home (which I've never done in this county before). We ended the night with all three of us cuddled in my queen bed. And by "cuddled" I mean on top of each other but it didn't matter because of the Jell-O and free beer.
Don't act like you've never done that before.

The next morning was preeeeeeetty rough but we sucked it up because I'd promised them mimosas and brunch by the beach. It was everything I hoped and MORE because we had bacon.
And they had heaters on the patio (our beaches are cold, not sorry) so we didn't freeze.
We walked out on the pier and I worked really hard on convincing them that they wanted to move up here.
After brunch we went to the Madonna Inn, and I think it was Lisa's favorite place she's ever been.
EVERYTHING IS PINK.
It's really a pretty cool place and if you're ever in the area (hint hint) I suggest checking it out.
Especially the men's restroom because of the waterfall urinal.
That evening, after our nap, we went back to San Luis to meet some other friends for dinner. After that we went downtown because I wanted to show the girls the nightlife in my college town.
Well, we saw the nightlife and after 2 bars, 2 drinks, and 2 hours, we were in the car heading home.
Yes, we switched into our orthopedic shoes on the way to the car *joke*.
It was fun being out and running into other friends, but we were just exhausted. Plus, it was really hot and loud and I think the strobe lights and excessive grinding was too much for me.

Before they left on Sunday we went to my favorite, Pizza Solo, and after stuffing our faces with calzones, salad, and solo stix, they left me to go back to smoggy crowded Brea. I have a feeling they'll be back.
It was so much fun and I am so happy they were here!
Aren't girl friends just the best?
Yes.

Sami's Shenanigans

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Friday, June 21, 2013

The Worst Date EVER.

The Worst Date EVER
(As in you should start feeling bad for me like now)

     Here's the background information you need: It was my freshman year in college and my floor was having an event to raise money for our floor retreat. It was sort of like a carnival where the guys came and bought tickets to do things like DDR, pie throwing, video games, etc. The biggest event of the night was the silent auction where we auctioned off ourselves for dates. Apparently it sounded like a good idea at the time.

     I didn't want to auction myself off in the beginning because it was so weird but I got talked into it mostly because a guy I had a crush on was coming and I was convinced this was the beginning of our romance. Well, someone did bid for me but it wasn't who I wanted. It was Andy (his name wasn't Andy), I knew him and we really weren't friends (he was kind of irritating).

     On the night of our eventual date (which had been rescheduled like five times) I was so sick. It was one of those awful head colds where it hurt to breathe, but I just wanted to get this date over with. The restaurant we were set to go to was a good 25 minutes away. Twenty-five minutes of awkward car small talk and no music because I guess he had something against the radio. At the restaurant two things were awful:
     1) March madness was going on and Andy didn't know a thing about basketball but he pretended to like it to appear manly or something.
     2) He danced with the white man's overbite to the music playing on the basketball game. For no reason. In the middle of BJ's.


     After dinner we went to the mall where we went to the pet store (closed) and stared through the window at sleeping animals (I'm not an animal person), and then the jewelry section of Forever 21 where he tried on the jewelry. I'm pretty sure he thought it was funny but I just thought it was awful and I wanted to leave.

     Next, he said he wanted to go to the Mac store. Since he's a guy, I thought, "Oh, he wants to go look at Mac computers. Um, fine." Well, I'm sure you can imagine my surprise when we walked right past the Apple store and into the Mac makeup store where he proceeded to ask them to match him with some concealer and powder.



     I'm not making this up.

     He wanted it for a photoshoot he was having that weekend. I did my best to try and hide occupy myself with the billion eyeshadows and lipsticks and pretend like I didn't know him but that plan was ruined when Andy yelled out, "Juliette! Come here and tell me which color looks best on my complexion!!!"




   





   
     By this point we'd been together for about four hours so I thought SURELY (and I think I can call him Shirley at this point) I'd put in my time and he'd take me back to school. Plus he was making fun of me for being sick and sniffing. (What a Regina.)


You can probably figure out what happened next.
He didn't take me home. We went to see 300.


During the movie he kept leaning over and whispering in my ear, "If you get scared let me know," and "Are you scared?" and "Let me know if you're cold." I was neither scared nor cold. And THEN I heard him mumble under his breath (three times) Whoa those guys are reeeeeeally ripped.

     Then finally finally finally he took me back to school and we never ever ever went out again. I did make sure to tell everyone every single detail about our date and I didn't feel like I was gossiping because Andy TOLD ME TO TELL EVERYONE THAT HE BOUGHT MAKEUP. I'm a little shocked he didn't yell out:


because I sure FELT like I was being bazinga'd!!!!!

     My friend Brian thinks this story is just hilarious and he's asked me on four separate occasions to tell him the story again. "Juliette! Tell that story about that date with that guy and the puppies and the makeup!" And then he'll interrupt the story if I've forgotten anything. "No, didn't he try on jewelry? What about the dancing?"

     The moral of the story is this: Don't ever auction yourself off for a date even if you know you'll get free food because you never know you'll have to endure. It might be the worst 7 hours of your life.


Thursday, June 20, 2013

Elementary-ish Crush (Celebrity-ish Edition)

     Bonnie over at The Life of Bon started a great little thing called Throwback Thursdays which, in my opinion, is way more fun on a blog than on Instagram (even though I'm definitely going to shamlessly post a #TBT today. @jliette FYI). Technically the topic is "Elementary school crushes" but I was homeschooled and I don't have any good crushes from that time. So I decided to talk about my crush from when I was 13 and 14 ish. It was a celebrity crush and it was the early 2000s so guess who it was?

Justin Timberlake? Nope, not ramen head.
Aaron Carter? I wasn't allowed to listen to his music so nope.
Erik von Detten? A little bit. But no.

I was obsessed with...


Oh wait, sorry. I wasn't obsessed with Elijah Wood so much as I was obsessed with ...


Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins.
Those blue eyes could show SO MUCH emotion!
Those beautiful brown locks were never out of place even when he was running from orcs.
That gap between his two front teeth that charmed my pants off (not literally).
Yep.

While everyone else was screaming for Orlando Bloom/Legolas
(I can't like a guy who has prettier blonde hair than me)

...or pining over Aragorn/Viggo Mortensen's ruggedly handsome features...
(he's my favorite now.)

...I couldn't keep my mind off of the itty bitty hobbit who was trusted with the most important task in all of Middle Earth and did it all with no shoes on.


This cute little guy was who my heart desired and I told everyone who would listen.
Did you know that Frodo is the son of Drogo?
Did you know that Elijah Wood's middle name is Jordan?
Did you know that Elijah Wood lives with his sister in New York?

Remember AIM and how you could write things in your 'info' and the coolest people had obscure song lyrics? Well, mine looked something like this:
I LOVE ELIJAH I LOVE ELIJAH I LOVE ELIJAH
I LOVE ELIJAH I LOVE ELIJAH I LOVE ELIJAH
I LOVE ELIJAH I LOVE ELIJAH I LOVE ELIJAH
I LOVE ELIJAH I LOVE ELIJAH I LOVE ELIJAH

I went to a birthday party one night and one of the other girls was obsessed with Legolas and we got into a pretty heated discussion about who was better. 
"Frodo was trusted with the One Ring! He was taking it to Mordor! He's uh-MAZING!"
"He couldn't do it without Legolas!"
"Legolas didn't do anything in that movie except look pretty!"
"EXACTLY. HE'S BEAUTIFUL."
The discussion ended when she started reciting the speech from the Council of Elrond in Rivendell.
Then we decorated pillow cases and mine was covered with "Juliette Wood" "I love Elijah" "Frodo is better than Legolas" and "Legolas looks like a girl."

By the time the last movie came out I had kind of moved on from Frodo. He got a little irritating in the last movie when he was Jedi mind-tricked by Gollum into hating Sam and I didn't think it was attractive when he foamed at the mouth after Shelob attacked him. BUT *SPOILER ALERT* he did lose a finger at the end so we could have bonded over that because I had a finger issue also.

And that's probably more information that you ever cared to know.

Frodo Forever.