Thursday, November 21, 2013

Once I dated a guy from the internet

(Co hosted by Rachael, Melissa, and Rachel.)

One day almost exactly a year ago, I was minding my own business in Target looking for some wine to hide in the closet of my bedroom at my parents' house when I ran into a family friend. We got to talking and I told her I'd been living in the area for about 9 months and was loving it. Then she asked the inevitable question:

"So are you dating anybody?"

I told her no, and then went on to tell her all about how I felt like everything in my life was amazing and I was happier than I'd ever been, but I just felt like a little piece was missing: a guy. And I didn't know what to do about it, because I didn't know where to go to meet a guy. There were no young single guys at my church, I work in an office with two other people, and I hadn't run into anybody at the grocery store, at the auto shop, at Target, or through friends. Basically it was hopeless.

"Have you tried online dating?" she asked innocently.

I laughed and told her no, that I just couldn't do that. I mean for one thing it's like soooooo dangerous, plus it's sooooo weird, plus what would I tell people? She ended up shooting down all of my hesitation and said,

"I'll be at your house at 7 tonight to sign you up for Christian Mingle, so have your computer ready."



And she was. She came over at 7 on the dot and signed me right up for Christian Mingle. We wrote out a little bio, my interests, what I was looking for, added pictures...all of it. And then we looked at the men. I'm not kidding you when I say that the first guy we clicked on was tall, dark, and handsome, and I may or may not have squealed.

"OHHH! He's CUTE!" she said, and I agreed. We kept looking at profiles but not sending any "smiles" or messages, because I obviously couldn't seem desperate. One thing that sucks about online dating is that you can tell who looks at your profile. And since I didn't want this guy to think I was creepy, I went to his profile on my phone and took screen shots of his blurbs and pictures so I could look at them whenever I wanted and he wouldn't know.

Well, one night I decided to tear into that wine I'd hidden in my closet, and I ended up sending him a smile. Then we started messaging. Then we started talking on the phone. Then he asked me to go out with him the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and I was so excited I could hardly see straight. I bought a new outfit, lied to my parents about where I was going (remember they didn't know I'd signed up for online dating), and told myself to breathe, just breathe.

It was awesome. He had made reservations at one of my favorite restaurants, which was amazing because I had told Jacey the day before that I really hoped he would take me there, and we had coffee after, and our date ended up lasting for a good 5 hours. Then we went out the next night. And the next. And for a while everything was amazing and then suddenly, two months and three days after our first date, I dumped him on a bench outside of a sushi restaurant.
Cliche, but true.


See, I had thought that a boyfriend was the only thing missing in my life, but I was wrong. Nothing was missing in my life! Through that relationship I realized that I don't need a boyfriend to be happy. Through that relationship I realized that if you don't feel like a relationship is right, then it probably isn't. And it's better to get out sooner rather than later. There were several reasons why I didn't feel like it was right. Some of them are serious, some of them seem silly, but all together they made me realize that this wasn't "it." This wasn't going to be forever.

-He introduced me to his parents on our third date. Not kidding you. He just sprung it on me. We were in the car driving to dinner and he said he needed to stop by his house (he was living with his parents too), and oh by the way I'd be meeting his parents. It went fine and we got along great, but the point is that he made me meet his parents on our third date with a 5 minute warning. Not super considerate, dude.

-He wouldn't take me to see Les Miserables. I love musicals, and I thought he would too, because he was a musician. But he refused to see it with me. Not only that, but when I told him I'll just go see it by myself, he made a big deal about how I couldn't do that because it was weird, and couldn't I get my sister to go see it with me? Uh, not the point, dude. Suck it up.

-He never let me listen to the kind of music I liked. It was always electronic/techno stuff with no words.

-He never let me pick out the candy. You may or may not be aware of how much I love candy. I love it so much that for my 23rd birthday my roommates threw me a candy themed birthday party. There was a cake in the shape of a gumball machine! But when we went to CVS to get candy before going to watch a movie (that he picked out, of course), he chose the candy. And he always chose gummi worms and twizzlers. And he chewed them with his mouth open.


-One night we went to dinner on the embarcadero, and I ordered a $6 bread bowl of clam chowder while he ordered a $20 shrimp quesadilla. With our drinks the total ended up being $50. I pulled out my wallet to do the whole, "Here let me pay," "No I got it," "No it's ok let me pay," "No really, I got it," "Ok thanks you're so sweet," deal, but he looked at me and said, "Oh are YOU going to get this???" WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? I paid and he spent the night with food poisoning. CoughKARMAcough.

-He got me a day planner for Christmas. A DAY PLANNER. But I got him season 2 of Community which he hated so I guess we were equally horrible gift givers? No. He was worse. A day planner.

-He never asked me questions. I generally need to be prodded (either verbally or with alcohol) to start talking about myself in a more serious manner, and he was a horrible prodder. One day I printed out a list of "50 questions to ask your boyfriend before you get engaged" from Pinterest just so I could learn things about him. We went to Panera (he paid because I didn't order anything) and it was like an interview.

Me: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Him: Flying. Next?
Me: What's your best childhood memory?"
Him: (something I don't remember) Next?
Me: What's your dream job?
Him: (I don't remember what he said) Next?

It was like that for a half hour. He never once asked me questions in return. And I didn't make a big deal out of it because I'm a people pleaser, plus I just stopped caring. Sue me.

-He had never heard of a girl having PMS before she got her period and he thought I was making it up.

-He never gave me flowers. I love flowers. LOVE THEM.

You could argue that I could have made it work if I wanted to, and I think you'd be right. Maybe I'm high maintenance. Maybe I thought about myself and my needs too much instead of him and his needs. Maybe I should have spoken up more, or not gotten so annoyed, or tried to open up to him, but it didn't feel right. And sometimes a feeling is all you need to know what you need to do.

We had a nice breakup, as weird as that is to say. He was understanding, really nice, and it went better than I could have expected, and that was the last I saw of him. I haven't even had a desire to text him since then. So even though I was constantly annoyed and rolling my eyes, I'm glad we dated. It made me realize that I don't need a boyfriend to be happy, and that has taken so much pressure off of me. I still talk about boys and try to flirt, but I'm perfectly content and happy being single. I don't feel sad on the weekends when I'm watching Sons of Anarchy instead of going on dates. It doesn't bother me that I don't have somebody to cuddle with on cold winter nights. I don't get jealous when I see couples posting pictures on Facebook. And I think I needed that relationship to feel this way and to come to the realization that I am not half of a person who needs a man to be whole, but that I am a whole person on my own. I choose how I feel, and I am choosing happy.

 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png

39 comments:

  1. Oh man. I literally laughed out loud reading that he thought you were making up PMS prior to getting your period. Um, doesn't he know it stands for PREmenstrual syndrome? I'm laughing just thinking about it.

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  2. THIS IS AMMMMMAZING! I have very recently gotten to this place of FINALLY being comfortable being single too. It took me almost a whole year after my breakup. After being in a relationship for 8 years and being engaged and always considering myself a "relationship" person, I am SO content with being single. And honestly, it feels so good. I'm tweeting this!

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  3. He sounds a little bit like he grew up under a rock ;) Glad it wasn't a TOTALLY terrible experience though! I'm sure that someday when you are ready, the right guy will come along but your perspective on the situation now is awesome anyway!

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  4. Once I married a guy from the internet. Ssshh, don't tell anyone. ;)
    I feel like you made the right decision, and you weren't being high-maintenance. I think in the first few months of dating someone, you see how much effort they're willing to put in. And after things settle in, people typically put in less on a day-to-day basis, with splurges of more effort thrown in here and there. And it's hilarious that his $20 shrimp quesadilla made him sick.

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  5. thats the number one thing i have about people- any body- when they dont ask me questions. and yes a day planner sucks. i love how you wrote this bc at first i was like why?! sounds awesome! but yes you did the right thing. and yes no one needs anyone to be happy, you have to be happy with yourself first!

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  6. You are so right... another person doesn't complete somebody else, and I pity anyone that thinks that way. Peanut butter and apples taste REAL GOOD together but the peanut butter doesn't complete the apple, only enhances it. And that's how a relationship should be: people should be with someone who enhances them, pushes them to be their best. No one should ever look for someone to "complete" them.

    PS I watched Les Miserables alone. In the theater

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  7. My ex took me to met his parents after 3 weeks of dating..needless to say THAT didnt last long! And you are not high maintenance at all! You like what you like + its nothing wrong with that and a lot of those things would have turned me off too especially him not asking questions.

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  8. My boyfriend still doesn't get the PREmenstrual thing lol. And there is nothing wrong with watching a movie alone!! WTF who hates Les Miserables that much. He sounds like he was very controlling, I'm glad you are happier now :).

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  9. You're amazing. He sounded awful!! A day planner??! COME ON NOW!

    I'm actually engaged to a guy from the internet, but fun fact: It took a lot of work to find the one that was right for me and I learned it's okay to have standards! We all deserve to be with someone that will treat us great and take us to Les Mis even if they hate it.

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  10. Did he really say Next? Cuz I probably would have punched him out for that one alone. I hate when you feel like you are carrying the whole conversation and they don't ask questions but I also have been on a date where the guy talked the whole time and didn't ask me one question about myself, just rambled.

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  11. I don't think you were being high maintenance at all! I think relationships are an equal give and take sort of thing.. he sounded like he could have been a little conceited? All of those things you listed would have totally turned me off too. I had to laugh at the pms thing, my other half knows exactly what time of the month that is for me. I guess I get all weird, over cuddly, and I cry a lot.. whatever ;D

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  12. Oh my goodness that was brilliant! You aren't being at all fussy, and you're right far better to be alone than stuck with such a dud of a guy!

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  13. If you're regifting those 2 seasons of Community you can totes send them my way.

    › xo fal • falfindshappiness.blogspot.com

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  14. I married a talker, so naturally he asked me a lot of questions which I loved... sadly his answers were always better than mine, but I'm ok with that... obviously. Anyway, glad you got that man out of your life. No one has time for a guy who doesn't let you pick out your own candy. More importantly are you still using the day planner? Did it at least have good paper?

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  15. Thanks for linking up :) Once again, you said something that really, really stuck with me. I think when Allie and I are feeling blah about men (read, all this week) we need to start messaging you. Love you!!

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  16. I loved everything about this. Seriously this has made ME feel better about not having a boyfriend. They may seem like silly things but the little things can make or break a relationship and girls deserve flowers!

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  17. I feel like this is a lesson that I need to learn. I mean, I'm happy being single - I truly am. I've flat out told guys that I've dated that I'm not looking for a relationship, because I'm really selfish with my time right now and feel as though I should only be focusing on myself. Maybe that's bad to say? Oh well. (I don't actually tell the selfish part to the guys, I just tell them I'm focused on other things right now).
    POINT IS...
    You learned a great lesson and I'm glad it ended in a good way and that he wasn't psycho about it. But he needs to not ever introduce a girl to his parents on a third date ever again. That's a hard no.

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  18. A DAY PLANNER?! I dated a guy for four years in highschool/college and during our final Christmas together he was in the middle of moving and switching jobs. We decided not to do gifts out of respect to his financial situation.

    I was pretty surprised when I had some gifts for the holiday! And then I opened up a new ski jacket, snow pants, heavy gloves, and goggles. HE is a snowboarder NOT ME but he wanted me to go with him. I broke my hand the first time I had gone a few years ago.... I guess he thought it was time for me to try again? He got offended when I tried to bring up that this wasn't the best idea. I wonder if he still feels bad for wasting so much money and refusing to do returns on things I never use.

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  19. That whole are you going to pay for this makes my skin itch. No, just no. I'm happy you dumped the guy!

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  20. I personally would die of happiness if a man bought me a day planner. But all the rest of that is BS. If a man won't let you go to a movie alone just imagine all the other things he thinks you're helpless doing by yourself. Good job, sister.

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  21. Yay thanks for linking up! Ugh seriously online dating can be a doozie...like I don't even know. It's good that the break up ended peace(ish)fully!

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  22. "if you don't feel like a relationship is right, then it probably isn't. And it's better to get out sooner rather than later" AMEN SISTER! Too many people stay in relationships trying to make it work. But you can't change someone. I learned that mistake the hard way. Took me 5 years to figure out, but thank GOD I eventually did. Awesome post :)

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  23. Love this!! So true! And I laughed entirely too much about the day planner and PMS.

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  24. Oh my gosh I just love you and this so much. I like to pretend I have this mindset but I have issues with needing people to like me so I feel like I'll probably never be the dumper. It's an issue. I probably need therapy. But anyways, when you write blog posts like this and the other one I just really wish we could drink wine and sit on the couch and hangout for hours and talk and I get sad that we can't.

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  25. Well I had this idea to sign up for internet dating sometime after the holidays...cuz I'm ready to 'get back out there', but now. Just no.

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  26. Ugh, nothing makes me sadder than hearing about guys who don't treat girls well/don't even seem like they're trying. :( I'm sorry! But at least you learned something important about yourself AND in a very (relatively) short time! (You would kicked yourself so much harder if you had spent years with this guy before realizing it!) Hoping your prince charming comes along soon!
    xox
    giedre

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  27. Oh girl, been there done that. NEVER settle for anyone. I'm so glad you had the boobs (so much ballsier than balls, right?!) to walk away before you gave anymore of your time, life, or hope to him. At least it made you more self aware of who you are and what you want. Someday someone will ADD to your happiness, you deserve it. xoxo Katie

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  28. I love this post! That quote is dead on! I learned that one through a relationship as well!

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  29. The thing about dating is it is practice! You have to find out what kind of person you want to be with and I think even though it didn't work out, you probably are better off because you now have things that are non-negotiables. Plus he sounds like a complete control freak.

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  30. I'm still pissed that he wouldn't let you pick the candy!

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  31. Girl if it doesnt feel completely right its not right! Always use your woman intuition :)

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  32. I did the whole online dating thing and hated it. But, I learned something...... You are either interested or you are not. Period.

    When you care about someone and connect with them, things that would normally annoy you, don't. Or, even if it annoys you, you find a way to tolerate it. When you don't care/connect with someone, every.little.thing. will annoy the hell out of you.

    The one good thing about online dating is that once you decide you aren't interested, you never have to see them again. It's REALLY easy to cut the cord.

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  33. In the beginning like that, I don't think you should ever have to "make it work." Sure -- after there is some real commitment and some real feelings and desires behind the relationship, it's totally worth putting up the effort to "make it work." But in this case, it is painfully obvious that he wasn't the guy for you. And why in the world would anyone want to make it work with someone who isn't their person. (Yes, I still think we have "people" that are ours...out there... somewhere. Maybe multiple ones... but they exist.) I have mad respect for someone who can notice that fact early on and decide not to compromise their relationship expectations or their life in order to just have someone to be with... Hats off to you my friend.

    Also -- don't completely decide to ward off online dating forever. After all, that is how myself and Mr. "Florken" met!
    http://www.pearlsandcurlsblog.com/2013/10/a-florken-love-story.html <--- see

    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

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  34. He sounds pretty annoying. I used to go to movies alone when I traveled for work and I think its great!! I was also single for a really long time and didn't date at all after a bad breakup and in hindsight I really got to know myself that way.

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  35. I love this post so much AND I'm single and from Central (ish?) California (Santa Barbara), too. Sooo basically I think we're destined to be blogger besties.

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  36. Okay so I've let your post marinate (bet you are thinkin about steak now) for a day and here is what I got... I just love it all. I mean for awhile this year I was fine being single. I enjoyed time alone and just finding myself. And then I go and move home and realize that ALLLLLLL of my friends are either in serious relationships, married or have babies on the way and I just got sad that I wasn't doing the same. So now I'm in this funk where I want a bf and I know that isn't the way it works, but I'm just made I can't control it. Can you just send me daily encouragements reminding me why it's fine to be single at 25 please? KTHANKSBYE LOVE YOU SO MUCH <3

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  37. This was great! Didn't sound high maintenance at all :)

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  38. Dude sounds like a straight up TURD! And I've totally gone on solo dates... out to eat, to the movies... if I want to do something and no one else does than I just go alone. :)

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