Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I'm bad at Halloween

     Growing up, my family never celebrated Halloween, partly because Halloween just happens to be my sister's birthday and they didn't want her to feel gypped (wow that looks horribly wrong but I googled it and apparently that's how you spell gypped), but also because the church offered "alternative activities" for families who didn't go trick-or-treating. Coughcoughthatwasuscoughcough. We still got to dress up and come home with candy though, so it wasn't like we really missed out on anything. In fact, I think the church fall festival was maybe a little bit more fun than wondering if there's a razor blade hidden in that homemade popcorn ball (is there ever?).
     So when Helene and Sarah first announced their Halloween linkup, I was like I have nothing to contribute. Here's a secret: I'm not a big fan of Halloween. I'm not creative and I don't like wearing short skirts ever in October and I'd rather just stay home and eat the candy myself and watch Titanic. But then I was thinking of the last few Halloweens and I started searching for pictures and I found some so obviously I'm going to come up with a way to post them on the internet you're welcome.
     When I was younger I was weirdly obsessed with being a baby. Not so weird that I have a segment on TLC's My Strange Addiction sleeping in a crib and drinking out of a bottle at age 25, but,'s a picture. This is easily one of the most embarrassing pictures ever taken of me.

     THANKS, mom, for buying my sister an actual costume and letting me fend for myself and ending up leaving the house WITH A PACIFIER IN MY MOUTH. Although I do remember winning a prize for "best costume" at a church's fall festival so maybe it wasn't all bad.
     No. It was definitely all bad.

     In 2007 I went to a Halloween party at a frat house. I was a "baseball player." AKA I had just ridden on a train for what should have been 6 hours but ended up being 8 hours because the train hit a person and we had to wait for the cops and medical examiners to come and uh, pick up the pieces. That's a story for another time. But at the frat house I drank exactly ZERO glasses of alcohol because 1) I had to drive home and I wasn't 21, and 2) I didn't (don't) like beer. But the night was still really fun because I got to pretend to be drunk without being drunk, and I specifically remember going up to a guy who was dressed as Tarzan and telling him, "You look strong, do you think you could rip my shirt with your teeth?" He tried and he failed but then he ripped it with his hands. Luckily I was wearing an undershirt so HA.
     When I was 14 and 15 I was obsessed with being a rockstar. AKA I had a zebra striped skirt, go-go boots, and a pleather jacket and I wasn't afraid to use them. That's the picture in the middle. It was a train wreck. Oh, and a side pony. Apparently the only rock stars I'd ever seen were from the 80's.
     The last picture wasn't technically Halloween, and I've posted it before (Lizzie McGuire you are an outfit repeater!) but it was around Halloweentime and it was the sluttiest costume I'd ever worn. Look at me being sluttly with my two shirts leaning up against a wall painted like a sunset.
This one was a good one. It was Halloween weekend 2010, and some work friends and I went to this party in Hollywood. It was 6 bars/clubs that had all joined forces and were throwing one big party. I think Adam Lambert was supposed to be there but we never saw him, and even if we had I wouldn't have remembered.
     I spent days and days working on this costume and I had a full body picture on my old Android but that little bitch died randomly and I lost the picture. I was a bird and I had gold strappy heels, orange leggings, and a yellow dress. I sewed a yellow boa around the bottom and yellow feathers al over it, and I made a yellow feather headpiece. People said "you look like Big Bird!" but I drank too much champagne and replied, "I'm a SWALLOW," and I winked. I drank more champagne than I've ever had and I met Barack Obama. Or at least, that's who the guy in the photo ^^ told me he was. I also met a pig and then I sat in a chair and got sick and we had to leave and I lost one of my shoes and I'm pretty sure I got poisoned because I was hungover for two days.
     And then, you know, there was that one time when wearing a costume was my job and ironically I never got to wear it on Halloween.


Helene in Between
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  1. After reading this, I have determined that I am indeed a whore. Also, I would like to be a princess. Okthanksbyeeee.

  2. #1 yep, didn't know that's how you spelled gyyped
    i think i was a rockstar too because werent we all?!
    now I want to dress up like a bird
    and you are the prettiest princess there ever was

  3. Did you tell Barack you were a swallow? I bet Mr. President really liked that!

  4. WHAT? YOU WERE ARIEL??? if i told my daughter that, SHE WOULD DIE. she's 5 and loves ariel. actually, i'm going to tell her that i know ariel for realsies anyway and win mother of the fucking universe award.

    Vodka and Soda

  5. You're the prettiest princess in all the land!

  6. Yeah, so the fact that you just quoted the Lizzie McGuire movie - just put you in my good books today. I liked it.

    Also, you have some slutty pick up lines when you drink... I don't hate it.

    I didn't do Halloween either. Church. I don't feel like such a freak now.

  7. So......didn't know you were Ariel..pretty darn cool.

  8. Whaaaat... you were a character at Disney?!?!

  9. Every year I feel like there is just way too much pressure to come up with a clever costume. I used to always dress up as Lizzie Borden, because it was so easy and I felt so clever. When I was younger, my go to costume was "escaped mental patient," which usually involved me wearing some sort of kitchen utensil and aluminum in my hair. Mom, what were you thinking?

  10. I loved everything about this post! It gave me a good laugh! So cool that you worked at Disney!

  11. Um how did I not know that you were a Disney princess, now I'm even more obsessed with you!

  12. I mean this in the best way possible but please don't ever have red hair.

    Haha swallow. I get it. WINK WINK

  13. Between Lizzie McGuire, being a swallow, and "meeting" Barack Obama I am sufficiently impressed with your Halloween stories. The Disney princess helped a little too.

  14. I am really, really glad theses photos of you exist.

  15. I once showed up to a halloween party wearing friends were not amused because it is basically my work uniform ha it was lame but easy

  16. I was a baby once. COMPLETE WITH BONNET AND PACIFIER. But, I could walk. And talk. And menstruate. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

  17. That is so funny becasue I went as a baby twice when I was 6 and 7! I won for best costume both years! That is so odd. I need to find a picture of it.
    The Baby Giraffe

  18. Still so jealous you worked at Disney! It's a life long goal of mine haha!