Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Why they'll never let me on The Bachelor

     Last night Mason tweeted about how the guy who won the Bachelorette (you'll never be able to convince me it's not a contest) is going to publish his poems. Well, naturally I had to reply to her and then we were talking about the Bachelor and then she said I should go on the Bachelor and I was like "haha lolzzz NO" but then she tweeted THIS...

....and then I was like "well ok now I HAVE to." And then Rachael tweeted me a link to the actual Bachelor application so I checked it out. And then I realized that the Gamemakers would never let me be on the show. Like EVER. I mean, even if I somehow tricked them into letting me be on the show -- wait I'm sorry, I mean even if they'd let me "embark on this wonderfully magical journey to find eternal happiness with the love of my life -- whoa even just typing that sentence made me feel like this:

Anyway, even if I someone got on the show I'd just make faces at the camera in all of my interviews.

Plus I'd probably just make everything awkward because lesbihonest, that's what I do in life in general.

And I'd just laugh at everything.
I think this waterfall represents how relationships sometimes go really fast and then they go over a cliff and it's a free fall and there's a pit in your stomach and you crash at the bottom and vow never to go white water rafting ever ever again.

     But I did go read the application and I decided to fill it out just for fun because what's more fun than filling out a dating profile when you're three margaritas in on a Tuesday night? Answer: probably a lot of things but it was after 8 and my bra was off so I was in for the night and this is what happened.


Do you have a valid U.S. Passport?
Crap. No. This isn't looking to good.

How did you hear about our search?
I accidentally turned the TV on between 8 and 10 on a Monday night and then someone Tweeted me this ridiculous questionnaire that I'm now mocking. I MEANNN I googled "how to start a journey to find love and happiness" and I was taken to the Bachelor/ette website. FATE! Pick me pick me!

Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attraction and in terms of personality attraction.
The body of Josh Duhamel, the good aging genes of George Clooney, the wit of Seth Meyers, the hair of Zac Efron, the vocal cords of Michael Buble, and the athletic skills of an MVP pro football or baseball player.

How many serious relationships have you been in and how long were they?
1) Fourteen months.
2) Two months (he met my parents. It was serious).
3) Almost 7 years so far.

What happened to end those relationships?
1) Itended because I was miserable.
2) It ended because he couldn't chew with his mouth closed.
3) Leonardo DiCaprio's "lawyers" are asking me to stop stalking him.

What are your hobbies and interests?
I like to watch Jeopardy and eat popsicles. I'm interested in funfetti cupcakes and Lord of the Rings. I like to put mascara on. And I'm interested in being on this show because it will be a good way to become famous for being a horrible contestant and making fun of the franchise find the love of my life or something.

Do you have any pets?
I used to have a hermit crab but I forgot about him for a couple of months so...he doesn't live with me anymore. Because he's dead.

Do you have any special talents? Tell us!
Well you can basically go read this post. But probably my best talent is the ability to do a backbend after I've been drinking. And getting low and dropping it like it's hot. I'm exceptionally good at that. Oh and I'm really good at procrastinating and rolling my eyes. OH AND someone told me I'm really talented at sarcasm. Duh.

List 3 adjectives that would surprise people about you:
morning person
good at following instructions

(I'm really good at adjectives obviously.)

What have you not found but would like to have in a relationship?
I have not found a winning lottery ticket in a relationship, and I would like to.
I have not found a guy who doesn't make me feel uncomfortable when the check comes.
I have not found a guy who doesn't care how much Diet Coke I drink.
I have not found a way to make kissing while I have something on my lips not disgusting.
I have not found any jewelry in any relationship ever. EVER. 

pick me choose me love me
 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png


  1. Love the things you haven't found in a relationship and your ideal mate...totally possible. I mean come on, right?! It can happen! Sign me up!

  2. HAHAHAHAHA I love your application. Seriously, that just made my day.

  3. After reviewing your application, I'm 99% sure you'd get picked to be on the show and quite possibly become not only the winner but the fan favorite.

  4. I'm dying. This just made me laugh out loud in the car. I'd totally give a rose haha

  5. Bahahaha.

    "I think this waterfall represents how relationships sometimes go really fast and then they go over a cliff and it's a free fall and there's a pit in your stomach and you crash at the bottom and vow never to go white water rafting ever ever again."

    ... This KILLED ME.

  6. Oh Jenna the blogger. Putting all of us Jena bloggers to shame!! :)

    I think you'd be entertaining as heck. Sign yo'self up, lady!

  7. This is perfect aha. Now I know that I would have no hope in ever being picked!

  8. hahaha this is hilarious. loling at work right now

  9. Good to know i'll never get picked even if I wanted to (which I don't). Hilarious as always!

  10. This is definitely my favorite post of the day. Also, I think you should submit this application and see how long it takes for them to just give you your own show.

  11. I just snorted laughing so hard. WHY ARE YOU SO FUNNY AND WITTY AND EVERYTHING. Teach me your ways. I'm tweeting this to the Bachelor producers. Hahahahaha.

  12. OMG, this made my week (or at least the first three days of the week)! Also, I would add "I want to do this show so I have blog material for my adoring fans."

  13. I was holding it together until you threw the classic greys anatomy line in there. That was a nice touch.

  14. This is hilarious! I love that you ended it with a line from Grey's!

  15. "Leonardo Dicaprio's 'lawyers' are asking me to stop stalking him" ha ha ha!


  16. Thanks for the shout out, lover! I'm SO serious about you joining, though! haha.

  17. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE send this in lmao

  18. I am literally ROLLLLLLLING around on my living room floor laughing so freaking hard at this post. WHERE OH WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH THIS STUFF? I mean, I get that I'm loopy from a procedure I had done today, but this is too much...This is just epic. I'm favoriting it, printing it off, and super gluing it to every wall in my house because I want to read this

    I LOVE YOUR GUTS. Please send this in and make that show worth watching!

  19. This is hilarious!
    You have to send this off!!

  20. this made my night. used to have a hermit crab but he doesn't live with me anymore. DEAD.
    goodness. the show is so ridiculous but I'd be lying if I said I didn't watch it religiously. every. damn. season.

  21. Girrrrlll you better back up off LEO! He and I have been together for over a decade! :)

  22. Bahaha I love it when your posts make me chuckle at my desk! Day made

  23. LOVE this! :) You're awesome. I think you should win. Actually, I think the best thing would be for you to become the next bachelorette. That would be SO much more entertaining.

  24. hahaha omg, please go on the show. we'll make an exception.

  25. Oh my gosh. Honestly, as much as I love the Bachelor, I see it as a game too. This is great though! If people like you were on the show, it would be ten times more enjoyable.

  26. I loved this post, I was laughing the whole way through it. Espically the part about Leonardo DiCaprio's lawyers.


  27. Bahahahah Leo's lawyers. Hilarious!

  28. OMG this is hilarious! esp the Leo stalking bit

    Vodka and Soda