Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Desiree's Magical Mascara

     So while everyone else was going berserk over Desiree and Drew and Chris and is Brooks coming back? and Chris Harrison's skinny ties, I was on a softball diamond being a total sourpuss because we were losing, and I handle losing about as well as Britney Spears handled 2007. Really though, I was playing 1st base and staring serious daggers at anyone who looked my way because the ump had made a bad call on me and I could have shoved an umbrella in someone's car FOR SURE but I held it back and just glared at everyone instead.
Oh yeah. That happened. But her teeth are still as white as my skin in the winter sooooo

      But don't worry, after we successfully lost I sat my butt down and watched the Bachelorette fin-OLLY (seriously Chris Harrison why were you talking weird) but honestly the most entertaining part was reading all the tweets freaking out over what was happening. I mean, I didn't even have to watch the show to know what was going on. You guys were ridiculous and I loved every second of it. I'm pretty sure there were almost as many tweets about the show as there are of Amanda Bynes calling people ugly.

     But anyway, Desiree apparently found love and she's happy which is great and all, but I have questions.

Dear Des,
     Can I call you Des? What about D, are we there yet? I just feel like we're pretty close since I've watched you make out with like 82 guys and sob on the end of a pier. Anyway, Des, congratulations! You got to do what every woman dreams of: you got dumped but you rebounded like a champ and your ex was forced to watch you date 25 other guys and you looked really hot doing it! Speaking of the guys, how awkward has it been hanging out with Chris and knowing he's watching you snog and fall in love with other guys? And really I bet that last week was just horrible when he had to sit there and see just how heartbroken you were when your hair twin Brooks dumped you. That just seems like it would be really weird, but what do I know?
     Now, on to more important things: what kind of makeup do you use? I'm especially curious about your mascara. Did you have to reapply it in between takes? Or did it just magically stay on your eyes throughout that whole sobfest? Are your eyelashes even real or did ABC just CGI them onto your face after filming? I need to know, because the other day I stared at a GIF of Honey Boo Boo trying to juggle pumpkins and I laughed so hard I cried three. separate. times. and my mascara got all drippy each time which was highly highly annoying. Tell me your secrets. Also, what color nail polish is that?

     Also, what's your workout routine and do you even know what a carb is? I've been trying to figure out how you're able to sit down with your stomach staying so completely flat but I can't wrap my brain around it.  Is it Pilates? Hot Yoga? Slowly walking 1/2 a mile every other day (pleasesayyes pleasesayyes pleasesayyes)? Don't you dare say it's genetics because I'm too smart to believe that. I'm actually secretly hoping you'll tell me it's this cool little pill you swallowed or some magic beans or something because that would allow me to still eat donuts. Please don't ruin my dreams.
     That's all for now, I think. If you guys do end up getting married you should give out your magical mascara as a wedding favor. But if for some reason you and Chris don't make it down the aisle you should probably still share the secret of those tear resistant lashes because the next time I watch Titanic I'm gonna need summa dat.

I only watched the first and last episodes because the season was really boring.

PS: I'm also over on Brittany's blog today talking about how to make singleness something positive, so check that out!    
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  1. If I had worn mascara today, I'd be asking the same question... However, I'm just confused as to why she was soooooooooooooooooo upset last week when that one guy left her (hey dude that isn't how this works. rude) yet she said yes to a proposal last night? I meannnn I only know this because they showed a hundred "sneak peeks" while I was trying to watch Mistresses.....

  2. Firstly I love that you used the word "snog" I loled a little too loudly at my desk and got some weird stares but it was worth it. Secondly when she tells you her flat stomach AND eyelash secret, hook a sista up!

  3. Exactly what I want to know! I need her mascara.
    Girlfriend is batshit cray though, let's be real. How can you tell a guy you love him and then get engaged to another guy three days later??

  4. ugh Des. make her go away. glad this season is over.

  5. dying. and i hope whenever des shares this mascara secret you pass that magic on because every time i become a teary hot mess in public is of course the day i decided mascara might be a good idea, and when is it ever? apparently never. especially since i'm not trying to make raccoon eyes a thing.

    yet, anyway.

  6. You're hillarious, I'll get des to share some of her mascara and skinny mini genes if you can hand over your sense of humor please!

  7. If you find out the name of the magical mascara or magical diet pill HOOK A SISTA UP. Kaythanks.

  8. also on a scale of 1 to punch your mother shes def a punch my mom ugly crier.

  9. I have been boycotting The Bachelor/Bachlorette for about 5 years now but this post made me laugh SO HARD I kind of wish I would have watched the show. Absolute hilarity. You're so funny!!

  10. I refuse to get caught up in this show, but the blog posts everyone has about it crack me up. Especially this one. I'm glad you're focusing on the real important questions. And if you figure out the mascara, let me know. My eyelashes suck...

  11. I only watched the last two episodes, and they were AWFULLY boring. I mean, when Brooks (are we sure he's not gay?) essentially dumped her, the two pretty much had the same conversation over and over again. meanwhile, Des is sitting there and I SWEAR she had on fake eyelashes, and all I can think is "why wear fake eyelashes to the beach? what is the point?"

  12. I'm personally hoping she admits to the slow half mile a day workout routine.

  13. OMG I gotta know her workout plan and what mascara the girl uses because I seriously need to get me some!! But I loved this post, it made me laugh so hard!! And I don't even watch the show hahaha

  14. dior waterproof. GO. also expensive make up makes me sad but this mayyy be worth it.

  15. Mascara tears are my faves thanks to good ol LC so anyone that doesn't shed mascara must be a MONSTER.

  16. ....please say yes. pleaseeeeeeeee say yes.

    I'll never, ever have a bad day again. Why, you ask? Because the link to your blog is saved on my desktop as an icon and everything that comes out of your mouth makes me cry!!!!! Might as well stop wearing mascara cause it doesn't look like you're going to make me stop laughing anytime soon!