Thursday, July 11, 2013

The time I learned what a stool softener is

Bonnie's Throwback Thursday today is about first jobs so I'm jumping on that train like a hobo in a hurry.

This story is from when I was 15 and looked like this:
I really could have used some help evening out those eyebrows.     

     So, my parents told me that I could get a cell phone if I got a job and could pay my bill. It was really important for me to get a cell phone because just kidding I had absolutely no reason to get a phone other than that it was 2003 and it was really really cool to have one in your purse next to your Lip Smackers. So I got a job at a little pharmacy/gift shop in our town, and it was awful. No one was nice to me, and it was probably only a little bit because I wore pink corduroy pants and more turtlenecks than your grandma probably owns. Also, none of my friends had cell phones yet so I could text exactly one person: my sister.

     One of the worst (and by worst I mean most embarrassing) days was when I was by myself behind the pharmacy counter (only ringing people up don't worry, I wasn't mixing drugs or anything so don't worry) and an older man came up and asked me where he could find stool softeners. Do you guys know what stool softeners are? If you do then you're obviously way smarter than I was at 15, because the only stools I'd ever heard of were the kind you sit on in the dining room to eat your breakfast. So I figured he wanted stool cushions, and I was pretty sure we didn't have those, but I wanted to be helpful so I got our catalog and started interrogating him about the stool softeners he needed.

-What are you planning on using these for?
-Do you have a particular color you'd like?
-How many do you need?
-Do you have a preference in size?

     He stared at me with his eyes wide and said things like, "Uhhh..." and "Uhhh......" until finally (finally) someone (the head pharmacist aka my boss's boss!) came along and led him to the Ex Lax and milk of magnesia and I don't think I had ever been so embarrassed and I don't know why they didn't fire me right then and there.
     When I was thinking back on all my jobs, I realized I've been pretty lucky to have had jobs that were mostly not terrible. Then I started thinking about jobs that are actually terrible and why I would never be able to do them and now - voila! - I present you with a list of jobs I could never do.

1) I could never be the person who has to clean out the mini wastebaskets in women's restroom stalls. Every time I see those things they're overflowing with nastiness and I really think you could catch a disease just from looking at one for too long.

2) I could never do whatever it is that Sara McLachlan does in those ASPCA commercials because she's a life ruiner and also I can't really sing. 

3) I could never be a garbage collector, because they have to wear those hideous forrest green jumpsuits and that wouldn't work well with my body type or my skin tone.

4) I would never ever want to be a maid in a Vegas hotel (or any hotel, for that matter). I mean, did you see any of the Hangover movies or Blue Crush?? I don't want to be cleaning up any kind of mystery spots on the bedspread, the floor, or the toilet seat. No thanks.
Also, I think chickens are terrifying.
5) A pest exterminator. I don't think this needs any explanation.

6) A masseuse. I couldn't do it. Sorry, Pheebs, but I'd definitely pull a Ross on all my clients.

7) Miranda Priestly's assistant. My skin isn't that thick. Plus I love carbs.

     So basically if someone could pay me to put googly eyes on anything and everything, eat donuts, sleep, and tweet, i think I'd be pretty content. 

 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png


  1. hahaha omg yees, i love this post. and that would be super awkward. why are first jobs always the worst?!

    1. Right??? Probably because kids will do anything for some lettuce. Ugh.

  2. ahahaha this is hilarious. i am a completely awkward freak when it comes to anything "big potty" related anyway, so this situation would have had me mortified for days. yuck.

    1. I still get embarrassed thinking about it!!!

  3. My first job included me making sandwiches for people that want "extra extra mayo, like enough to give me a heart attack". and it involved me slicing the tip of my finger off, so I think I may have you beat. Although the next time I see a stool with a cushion I'm probably gonna send you a picture.

    If I won the lottery, I'd pay you to put googly eyes on everything and send me pictures of it.

    1. Ummmm the job I had after that one was at a certain sandwich chain and we had one customer we lovingly referred to as "the mayonnaise lady" because we were polite. But I never sliced the tip of my finger off soooo you win.

  4. Yeah when you find out about that last job, with the sleeping and eating, tell me about it. But see if they can add smoked gouda tester.

    1. I think I'd need to find a sugar daddy and that's probably not going to work out for me, sadly. AND OMG I LOVE SMOKED GOUDA.

  5. There you go again with the posts i wish i would have thought of.
    You're just too damn good.

    1. And there YOU go again feeding my ego!

  6. i would totally pull a ross and use tonka trucks if i had to be a massage therapist.

  7. I totally agree with the Sarah McLaughlin one. I was watching Stepmom on ABC Family once and I bawled through the whole movie. I thought I would get a break during the commercials...then that DAMN SONG came on...every.single.break....

  8. Whenever any of those damn commercials come on TV, i have to change the channel. I feel bad and all, but it just breaks my little old heart!

  9. Oh my, laugh out loud funny this was. Who came up with the idea that the technical term for a number two is "stool"? I can see where the confusion came from. :)

    My first job was when I was 16 (could finally drive to and from my job) and I worked in a collections department asking people to pay their bills. Casual dress code and make your own schedule (within reason) were big bonuses that made me choose this.

  10. Ha Ha I remember watching blue crush when I was younger and thinking being hotel maid would be so disgusting. The scene where she steps on the condom, there's not enough soap in the world to wash that off!!
    Love your throw back today.
    Have a great weekend.
    Love Gi

  11. oh my god! i died! also, my best friend and i have this thing "jobs that carrie will never be suited for"
    1. wake up caller: because i rarely wake up on time and i forget important tasks like that.
    i called to wake her up so she didn't miss her flight but she was already on the other side of the country... because i called a day late.
    2. human google map: because i get lost EVERY WHERE! i once got lost in the mall (in my defense, it's a semi big mall) i did circles for an hour before i realized where i was and what was going on. and then there's that one time i accidentally wrote 9.5 miles instead of 95 and got us trapped on the side of a mountain in the middle of nowhere so search & rescue (helicopter included) had to come save us. i swear to god that happened.
    i could go on.
    i've had some pretty interesting jobs though, to say the least.
    i worked at a tanning salon that sold beef jerky and jelly beans in bulk.
    i worked for a private investigator - scanning notes of stakeouts and consolidating his emails from thai mail order brides.
    i was also a nanny for about 3 weeks... that may not seem weird but if you knew me you'd probably be peeing your pants at the thought.

  12. juliette,

    love the blog and thanks for the laughs! i wanted to let you know i nominated you for a liebster award today as you're one of my favorite blogs to read!


  13. Ughhh, I was a cleaning lady at a campground/canoe rental place one summer when I was in high school. NOT FUN!

  14. I've probably spent the past ten straight minutes watching your emma stone picture go "eww" over and over again. That my friend, is amazing! And such a great post. Your first jobs definitely beat mine!

  15. LOLOLOLZ. How did I miss this? GIFs are on point. Also you reference Blue Crush which is kind of one of my favorite movies ever and I'm obsessed with the soundtrack STILL bc I'm weird like that.