Wednesday, July 10, 2013

So I might be a little bit picky

     You guys know I'm single, right? I think I explained that here, maybe here, and definitely here. I really do like being single, but sometimes my friends don't believe me so they try to set me up with their friends. They usually ask me "what are you looking for in a guy?" I hate that question because it's really subjective. For example, one time when I worked as a bridal stylist (fancy name for "I sold wedding dresses") one of my brides decided she wanted to set me up with her brother. I agreed only because she swore he was taller than me (I'm 5' 9"). Surprise, surprise: he wasn't. 

     So anyway, I decided that it's way easier to make a list of what I don't want in a guy. And what kind of blogger person would I be if I didn't put that list on the interweb where everyone can read it? READYSETGO! Disclaimer: This is meant to be mostly sarcastic and not really offensive. Also, anything in bold type is something I've experienced.)

1) If you are wearing mandals you may as well turn around and walk away. Not gonna happen.

2) If you remember where you were when you watched Neil Armstrong land on the moon then that means that you were already in college when I was born. I know that worked for George and Stacy for 2 years and it's apparently working for Mary Kate (gag me) but it doesn't work for me. Go find someone else to schedule your prostate exams for you.

3) If I'm taller than you it's not going to work. I'm sorry but I've tried it, and it's awful. Plus, I don't want our pictures to be as awkward as this when I wear my 5" heels:

4) If you tuck your powder blue polo into your plaid Bermuda shorts then I will give you directions to the golf course and where you can buy some new Dr. Scholls inserts, but I will not go on a date with you.

5) If you are able to carry on an in depth conversation about any of the real housewives, the bachelorette, or anyone from Jersey Shore, you are not for me. That's ish I discuss with my girlfriends, so come back when you can talk about football and how to barbecue ribs. 

6) If you like the San Francisco Giants you obviously have horrible taste. I couldn't live like this:

7) If you can't remember my name 5 minutes after we introduced ourselves it means you are looking for a booty call and no thank you.

8) If you ever order chicken fingers, I will assume you lack manly taste buds because why would you order chicken fingers when you could get a juicy bacon burger?

9) If I can see your food while you're chewing, or worse: if I can hear your food while you're chewing, then it means you were raised in a barn and you need to learn some manners.

10)  If you try to split the check on the first or second date then you won't be walking me to the car later or going out with me again.

11) If you got wasted and barfed on me it means you have no class. You may as well be a cast member on that Jersey Shore show you know so much about.

12) If you buy makeup for yourself it means your name is Andy and goodbye, game over, peace out girl scout.

13) If, during our first date you began discussing your girlfriend who you lived with for 3 years and only broke up with 1 month ago, it means you're looking for someone to numb the pain and I think you should keep looking because I'm not helping with that.

    **Ok, so maybe I'm a little picky. But why is that a problem?? I think it's a pretty good idea to be picky about THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. So if you know any guys who are single, over 6', like red meat, and think googly eyes are funny then give them my e-mail address (but not my blogg URL because this ish is a SECRET.)
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  1. hahah this is the perfect list, girl!

  2. Hahahaha when I first met Steve he had mandels (which I threw away) and he still eats chicken fingers lol,

  3. Your blog = my newest addiction.

    Also, this post is brilliant. You are brilliant.
    That is all.

  4. I need to tell you that I've never laughed so hard in my life. Amazing list, but I will tell you if a guy orders chicken tenders - although weird - he'll win my heart. They are my favorite!

  5. OMG YOU ARE HILARIOUS!! I am laughing out loud here!! I just found you via being pimped out by allie!!

    I cannot wait to read more!

  6. Oh girl. Preaching to the choir. Googly eyes and now this? I'm hooked. Good news is we can be single friends and make fun of all those married weirdos. COOL.

  7. Loved this Juliet! Another great dating post! I loved the Andy post and I will never forget it! Great mention about the shoes. It was the one thing that stood out the most. I don't know what on God's green Earth would possess a man to wear mandals? Oh my lord, just do yourself a favor and get some dang Rainbows. They go with everything.

    And the name thing! ABsolutely, if you don't remember my name you are obviously not interested enough to continue further with the conversation.

    And lastly, dating short guys SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKS! I Did it for 2 years. God WHAT was I thinking! I mean it was aweful! I constantly resented him for it and I thought he was so unattractive because of it. He was a musician and had so many issues that I guess I stayed with him because I used to be one of those girls who tries to "fix the guy" there was no fixing his height so I peaced outta that joint!



  8. I'm single too gurl and dont settle for any less than what you deserve.

    and I found this funny. Sounds like me. LOL

    in due time it'll happen.

  9. i don't think you're picky. that shit is legit!

  10. I know a LOT of men who fit your criteria, but I doubt you're in south Florida. Also, I've only read one entry so far (new around here- thanks to Whitney at I Wore Yoga Pants), but I'm pretty sure they probably wouldn't deserve you either. Funny, sarcastic, witty, AND gorgeous?

    Sounds like I have a new blog to follow!

  11. Hahahaha... mandals. Thank the good lord that Derek sticks to regular shoes. And he's never barfed on me so that's good. This list is pretty simple, I don't see why it would be to hard to follow?

  12. A man buying makeup for himself is a big red flag! That story you shared of the date you went on where a guy did do that was the first post of yours that I read and it was so funny.

    Older isn't necessarily bad but there comes a point where there is too much of an age difference, for sure!

  13. You crack me up girlie!!! Love this post! xo

  14. You are so super duper funny hun!
    I love your gifs.
    Have a great week.
    Love Gi

  15. Haha! cute list! I am 5'10 and I feel your tall girl pain. Where are all the tall guys who chew with their mouths closed?

  16. A guy that buys makeup for HIMSELF?! Oh hell no. I'm headed over to read about this Andy ASAP. Great post!!

  17. You're not picky, you just have good taste and good sense! You go girl!

    Shelby xoxo

  18. More like short sighted than good taste haha