Wednesday, June 12, 2013

How to get a boyfriend

     Recently I read an article from some website or magazine that gave some "helpful dating tips." These tips were things like, "don't smother him with affection," and "keep things interesting," or "give him space." I don't know about you, but that doesn't really sound helpful. Plus, it's really vague. Who likes vague?? High school girls on Facebook, that's who. So I thought I'd compile a list of things I'm sure will be more helpful than this month's issue of Cosmo.**

     **I haven't tried all these strategies. But I'm sure they'll work because I'm pretty experienced. I mean, after all, I did recently engage in some pretty heavy car flirting the other day.

Step One:
Maintain Eye Contact

You could be at a coffee shop, the gym, a bar, or a Dunkin' Donuts, but Step One is pivotal.
It's crucial that you don't look away. He'll see this as a stare-off, and what man doesn't love a competition?
Show him that you refuse to back down and he'll be forced to come talk to you.

Step Two:
Once you've gotten him to ask you out (you know, from staring at him til he caved), you need to figure out a sneaky way to get to the physical contact stage. What you do is order the messiest thing on the menu, which he'll see as brave. Then, when you let it get all over your face he'll be forced to wipe you up with a napkin! Physical contact, BAM. DONE.
Now make sure he knows he's your boyfriend.

Step Three:
Show Him You Mean It

Guys are notoriously terrified of commitment, so you have to make him face his fears!
Start by telling him how you feel. It's best to do this multiple times a day.
Then identify 2, 3, or a dozen songs that will forevermore be known as "your song." He'll appreciate this, especially if you load them onto his iPod and make them play on a loop when he's in his car.
You should also spray your perfume on his clothes and pillow.He'll never forget you!
Last, draw a picture of how you imagine your wedding and tell him about all the details you've planned. Chances are he'll get so excited that he'll get down on one knee and pop the question right then and there! 
(Actual photo I drew during class in my last year of college. Boyfriend at the time surprisingly did not run for the hills.)

Step Four:
Photo Proof

Take any opportunity to jump in a photo with him. Trust me, he'll thank you later.
Guys don't like to admit it but they're really sentimental.
And if he acts annoyed don't worry, that's just "bro code" and it means "please force me to take more pictures with you! Also I'd love to scrapbook them with you!"
Your guy is a keeper for sure and now you have pictures to put on his nightstand, in his wallet, or in his parents' house.

Show Him Your Range of Emotions
Showing him how quickly you can go from blissful happiness to a fiery rage will let him know that you're in touch with your emotions, which is really important to guys.
Your man doesn't want to date a Stepford Wife, he wants someone with the emotional range of the Grand Canyon. He wants you to be able to change your emotions at the drop of a hat, and preferably without any warning or explanation. It keeps him on his toes and makes life exciting.

With these helpful tips you're sure to live a long and happy life with the man of your dreams.
Don't listen to anything he says, you're not crazy. Nope. Not you!


  1. I love this. If you cant be yourself why be with a guy you have to pretend to be someone else. Good helpful tips. Love the pics. priceless.

    1. and thanks for linking up girl. Be sure to share my button with your other bloggers.

  2. This is absolutely hilarious! You're clearly a winner, how are you single?! (; Might have to pull these tricks out for my next date.

    1. Years of practice, Samantha! ;) Thankfully now I'm glad to be!

  3. O m g I am dieting from laughing so hard I love that you have completely cover the chick with your photo boom. One word priceless

    1. Haha yeahhhh that was one of my better photobombs! Thanks!

  4. Haha! I love this one! So funny! :)

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  6. This is absolutely hilarious! Love your blog :)

  7. Hahah. Eating is obviously the only way to attract a mate ;)