Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Bachelorette Week One Snoozefest

Never have I ever seriously considered recapping the Monday night train wrecks ABC produces, but then Desiree's season happened and I realized that few things could be more fun than publicly mocking this show that makes a mockery of love. And that's a lie. I can think of plenty of things that are more fun than watching/talking about/thinking about this show. Like sleeping. Painting my nails. Drinking a mimosa. Sleeping.

I've been wondering for a while now if Desiree has any real friends, because whoever told her to wear a wig and a mom outfit in her promo picture (on left) clearly didn't have her best interests at heart. Des, you're better than that. Whiskered denim is no one's friend.

“Picture like, the best dream you've ever had and times that by ten, and then live in it. That's where I am.”
Great. Desiree's first sentence and already all I want to do is correct her grammar. MULTIPLY! It's multiply! You don't times things, you multiply them! Why are so many people so bad at getting that straight?

Back to the show.
Oh cool, here comes Desiree (gotta think of a nickname for her) up to her new house.
Oh good lord is that her PURSE? What on earth does she have in there?? A BODY? That thing is unnecessarily huge and she's going to have neck problems for sure if she keeps carrying around impractical tote bags for fun. Also, is it just me or does the hood of her car look like it needs to be fixed?


Oh hey Chris Harrison, I almost forgot about you because you're worthless. And what's up with your shirt?
Trying to keep my eyes open while we watch Des prance around this house that has a really awesome carpet and I'd like to take my shoes off and walk around on it but no I would not lie in that bed because it's been the tissue to the tears of so many bachelorettes and I don't need any more salt in my diet thank you very much.

Cue Desiree's growing up sob story and I wish I was asleep. And how has this show only been on for a minute and a half? Des is already crying. No you are NOT Cinderella! Your torso is WAY too long for that, and trust me, I would know. Token flash back to Sean and is anyone else noticing how much Desiree apparently likes red? Whatevs she obviously knows what looks good on her so I'm not gonna give her a hard time (LIE).

I've honestly never wanted to drive a Bentley (give me an Audi any day) but if they did give me a powder blue one I would definitely drive faster than 25 MPH which is how fast it looks like Des is driving. Aaaaaaand she's in the slow lane and that confirms my suspicions. Anyone want to bet she's not actually driving that car?

STOP with the Cinderella references! All you want is happiness and love? What about world peace and has your mother ever thought she was a tree (RHOC reference)? This solo date she's having is so weird, just her roller skating (not even blading!) down the boardwalk and trying on a random pink cowboy hat. I mean I guess if I had her toned body I wouldn't mind doing that but still it seems a little weird. I was going to try and count how many times she changed her outfit but I was tired and I lost count after seven I think. This whole thing is weird and I don't like it. Let's skip the other Cinderella references and the "what I need in a relationship" and oh yes I'm ready to find love through this not fake at all set up and get right to the real reason we're all watching this disaster: the man meat.

I wonder how they decide which guys to feature in these videos? I'm pretty sure everyone gets a video filmed but how do they decide? Only a few things stick out to me and I'm still wishing I was sleeping.
Will is the TBD (token black dude) of the season and as disgusting interesting as bikram yoga seems, he's annoying and won't last long.
Nick R. is the suit guy and when he's doing his magic tricks all I can think of is GOB and, "It's an ILLUSION, Michael!" (Arrested Development, anyone?)
Robert's dog is missing an eye and that will probably get him a sympathy rose or two. And is anyone else skeptical that he's the brain behind the sign spinning business? Seems kinda like how Romy and Michelle invented Post Its to me.

I'm starting to think that taking notes on this episode was a horrible idea because I'm enjoying it even less now (didn't think that was possible) and it's after 9pm and I should be in bed. But since we can't just skip over the meet and greets I guess I'll just highlight some of them? This might be long-winded and it might be really short so I guess we'll just see where the typing takes me.

Can we all just go ahead and agree that Ben won this part by having his adorable baby Brody come out of the limo? I almost died. It was so cute and I'm only a little irritated that Ben totally exploited his child for a chance of winning a reality contest. I don't care what you say, in the end it's a contest.

Michael G looks like Ronnie from Jersey Shore.
Will high fived her and no one has ever been friend-zoned so fast. Also now whenever someone gives nicknames I'm going to think of Phillip from Survivor and have horrible flashbacks to the disaster that was Stealths R Us so Will you please leave.
Kasey and the hashtags? That sounds like a horrible band and I hope he doesn't last. #noroseforyou
Zak W is the biggest douche ever and I hate him. Ten bucks says under "biggest fears" he wrote "white carbohydrates and living in a home with no mirrors."


Bryden – poor guy really needs a new hairdo.
James looks like the greasy salesman in a used car lot. Was anyone else as uncomfortable as I was when he said, "Nice to meet you. I can't wait to meet you-" and then she corrected him and they laughed but you just know he knew his time was up.
Why does Larry have a weird dance fetish? This seems like something that's the product of a dark childhood and he's not the surgeon I would trust with anything, not even my appendix.
Brooks and Desiree could totally share hair products.
Poor Diogo. Or jjjjhiogo. You never had a chance. “I'd call that trying to hard. Kinda like a guy who waxes his eyebrows." Whoever said that got a chuckle out of me.
Chris - “Will you mind if I tie my shoe?” That's so cheesy I wonder how hard it was for her to pretend like she thought that was funny. Flop.



Am I the only one who thinks Nick M. is kind of cute even though he had an awkward poem? And he's over 6' so he and I would work out. Not like actually work out because that's too physical and hard.




I went ahead and wrote down Nick M's poem:
"Des, after watching you at the end of last season,
I know I'm here for the right reason.
The way you showed such genuine emotion
made my heart flutter like waves in the ocean.
I'm really looking forward to this journey with you
and I hope you're just as excited too."
And after that I don't like him anymore.

At first I thought Brad was a little cute but now he's kind of creeping me out. And now that I'm taking a closer look at this weird acid washed tee I'm even more sure that I don't really like him. But his eyes are so pretty! But he's basically obsessed with peanut butter which is a weird thing to be obsessed with. He had nice teeth and an ugly suit and brought a wishbone and he got the short half. Snore.



I'm sure I'm not the only one who doesn't believe he and his buddies invented the sign spinning business. And I think that if you kiiiiiiiind of squint Robert looks like Jim Halpert but way less fun. His favorite movies are The Notebook/Silver Linings Playbook? Sorry. We're done.




Brody had the best line of the night: "I wish I could go to the party." Don't worry, I'm sure in 20 years the producers will be all over you to be on this show. And if The Bachelor/ette is still on in 20 years then we have much bigger problems than nuclear weapons in Korea or wildfires in Santa Barbara.

I wrote down almost everything that happened during the cocktail party but it was really hard because I was more interested in the tacky decorations in the "mansion" than what guy was juggling a soccer ball or what drunk idiot was trying to get on Desiree's good side. I don't envy Desiree for the group of guys they gave her because they look like total tools, but that's not really surprising considering what show it is. But Desiree has pretty thick shiny hair and I'm a little envious of that, but it's hard to pay attention to her hair when those tiny baby front teeth are there just begging for attention. So let's just assume that all these guys made fools of themselves (safe assumption) and fast-forward to the end.

Rose ceremony time. Is it just me or does it seem like there are way more guys this season than any other season? This whole thing is boring and I'm finding myself wishing I was asleep instead of watching this, but at the same time I don't want to go to sleep because that'll make the morning come fafster and I'm not really ready to go to work after this long weekend. But hooray for a short week!
Juan Pablo? Really?
And some people are leaving and I'm wishing I was asleep.
I hate this show so much. 

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