Recently I took a quiz that informed me I am a wishy-washy person. SHOCKER, right? Not exactly, as least not to me. Though I've never used the phrase "wishy-washy", I think that actually is pretty acurate. I loathe making decisions, both big and small. What's for dinner tonight? Chicken? Tacos? Subway? Salad? Beef? Pasta? Stir-fry? And now I face another decision that seems to come around twice a year or so: should I stay or should I go?
I love my hometown. It's small, and it's familiar. There are memories there. And recently things have happened that have made moving back home seem like a really wonderful option. So I'm running it over and over again in my head .. and huge part of me wants to move back. But there is a small yet strong part of me that won't let that happen. Something is keeping me down here ... but what is it? I feel like I need a really big shovel so I can dig down deep and figure out what I want.
Then I remember ... it doesn't matter what I want. I keep forgetting that I'm not in control of my life, and I need to stop trying so hard to control it. I know in my heart that God is in control and all I have to do is listen to Him, but it can't be that easy, can it? And why can't I hear what He's trying to tell me? Is it because He isn't telling me anything right now? Meaning, I shouldn't make a move right now? Or is it because I am just not listening? Why can't I be more in tune to what God is trying to tell me?
I keep thinking about what I want, and the plans I have for my life, but those things don't matter! And tonight, as I was lying on a couch trying to fall asleep, I was reminded that it doesn't matter what I want for my life. I need to change my wants and desires. Because if I get back in step with God and seek HIS will, then His desires for my life will become my desires as well, and that may mean moving back home or it may mean staying here. But I really need to start listening to Him soon, because I don't have a lot of time to make this decision.