Saturday, September 18, 2010

Neutering ... from the dog's perspective

They woke me up too early today ... and right away I could tell something was wrong. They were looking at me with sad, sympathetic eyes. They weren't yelling at me like they usually do, so I started getting wary, and I was shaking (which was more apparent because of the short, on the verge of metrosexual harircut they gave me yesterday). Then, we went outside, and the tall one was carrying me. She looked different this morning, and she smelled; it was 8am and I think she should always stay asleep until 12pm. Then we got in the car. I knew right away where we were going, and I was SCARED. I knew we were going to the satanic place with the metal tables and needles, and I hoped it wasn't because I urinated like a racehorse on the tall one's bedspread last night -- I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, I PROMISE! (That's a lie, and they both know it). We drove for far too long, and then ... we got to THE DARK PLACE. It's awfully embarrassing because they yell out my full name -- FOR VALENTINO? -- for everyone to hear. What if there was a cute Chihuahua in the waiting room or something? RUDE.  Oh well, at least I still have SOME of my masculinity, under my tail. Someone in a horribly unattractive nurses outfit comes and takes me to a table. OWW! HELLO? THAT POKE HURT!! ...I'm getting groggy ....

I'm awake now ... it's hazy. There's a huge plastic thing around my neck and it hurts to move ... I can't bite my toes! WHY CAN'T I BITE MY TOES!?? Where's the short blonde one? The one who calls me her son? WHERE IS SHE? I NEED HER! I'm so tired ...

I'm awake now ... my tiny mother is here. We're driving ... it hurts under my tail, and i can't fix it. I feel strange. I feel ... incomplete. Why does it feel like a part of me is missing? Why do I feel ... lighter? WAIT. WHERE IS MY MANHOOD? WHERE DID IT GO? WHY DON'T I FEEL THE URGE TO PEE EVERYWHERE? WHY IS MY BARK SO LOW? Oh no ... I'm falling asleep again ...I'm so tired ....

We're home now and I don't even care. Nothing looks entertaining ... WHY DON'T I WANT TO BITE EVERYTHING? WHY DO I STILL NOT CARE ABOUT PEEING EVERYWHERE? WHY DOESN'T MY PIG LOOK ATTRACTIVE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? MOM?? WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME? IS THIS GONNA BE FOREVER? MOM!! DID YOU SHAVE MY LEG? WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME AND SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT A CHICKEN LEG WHEN YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T GOING TO GIVE ME ANY CHICKEN? WHY DID YOU SHAVE INSTEAD OF WAXING? HAVEN'T YOU HEARD ABOUT INGROWN HAIRS? WHERE'S THE TALL ONE? IS THIS BECAUSE I PEED ON HER BED? IS THIS BECAUSE I POOP IN THE HOUSE? IS THIS BECAUSE I GROWL? IS THIS BECAUSE I LOVE MY PIG TOO MUCH? GIVE ME BACK MY MANHOOD ... is that a Chanel purse?